"Things Can Only Get Better"
Bullshit.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 13:39, 6 replies)

My uncle
told me that cuddles were meant to hurt in that way.

That was until I reached 16.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 12:57, Reply)

Cake
Its a made up Drug.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 11:50, 6 replies)

The Apollo moon landing
if they really went to the moon why didn't they bring back any cheese?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 10:51, 13 replies)

The fact that this part of B3TA is more often - either lies,
or stretched truths, would give the impression us B3tans are quite good liars...

5 pages by Wednesday would point to this being not so.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 9:52, 19 replies)

I got in from work last night and
apparently a dog had shat in our garden.

This seems to be my fault somehow, the missus is so fucking angry. Still not talking to me this morning.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 9:32, 3 replies)

Lay
been going on so long its past tense.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 8:27, Reply)

Best QOTW ever
I mean seriously...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 14 Mar 2012, 1:06, 11 replies)

Vertisac?
In years gone by I was camping with friends in the lakes in summer. It was hot and the campsites we stopped at unannounced were all full. Driving away, again, I spotted a tent – about 2 feet square and 6 feet tall. I announced to my mates GF that it was the all new space saver tent. It’s the future, the story went. It will alleviate overcrowding. I explained that occupants slept vertically, hanging from the apex in a space age sleeping bag called a Vertisac. Developed by NASA for the conquerage of space and all that.

Sucked it all in, she did, and repeated the story for at least three years...... until we camped next to one and the owner put a sanilav in it.

I now know the meaning of ‘sullen.’
(HildaOgdensdogsdead DILLIGAF. Well?? Do I??, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 20:13, 5 replies)

A Vagabond's dog has just shat in next door's garden.
She was FURIOUS.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 17:48, 8 replies)

Liess

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 16:52, 3 replies)

MerseyMal told Rob that "Lies that went on too long" would be a productive and amusing topic for QOTW

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 16:45, Reply)

The batteries once ran down on my walkman whilst I was listening to Guns 'N' Roses.
I coldn't be arsed to stop it or take my earphones out whilst it slowly played through the album.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 16:15, 6 replies)

I told A Vagabond that he was funny once

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 15:50, 7 replies)

Quite embarassing, really
I was buying some dog food a couple of years ago, and while I was putting the tins on the conveyor, I accidentally dropped one on the girl at the till behind me's foot.

It clearly really hurt - her face went red, she gave a hiss of pain and grabbed her foot "Christ I'm so sorry!" I said immediately, "I'm so so sorry are you OK?"

It was just bruised, and after massaging it a little she tentatively put some weight on it, and all was well.

"To make up for it, why don't you come 'round to my house for a drink?" I suggested. "You can meet my dog - do you like dogs?"

She said she did, and that evening came over at about seven.

I was wearing my black silk kimono with the dragon on the back, and listening to Richard Clayderman on my CD stereo.

"Come in" I said suavely, as the doorbell rung, opening the door smoothly, "Let me pour you a martini, or are you more of a Babycham girl?" I enquired.

"Babycham please" she said.

Taking my original Babycham glasses, I poured us both a drink, and we sat down easily on my couch.

"So" she enquired, smiling, "Where's your dog?"

"Er ... I don't actually have a dog." I lied.

"Oh." she said, rather put out. "You told me you did ... I was looking forward to meeting him."

"No" I said, "No dogs here, I'm afraid!"

"But how come there's a dog collar and lead hanging up on your kitchen door?" she said.

"Oh - they're for a friend's dog" I said.

Every time she comes 'round now, I have to hide the dog!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 15:45, 7 replies)

I've been with my current employer for about 8 months now
...and I honestly have no fucking clue what I'm doing. Not a dot.
Every now and then, the boss calls me over to ask me to do something and I just smile and nod as if I have some idea what she's talking about, but in reality she may as well be speaking Klingon. Fuck, I'd probably have a better chance of understanding that based on the fact that I've seen 3 or 4 episodes of Star Trek.
I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm depriving someone more worthwhile out of what is, ultimately, a decent job.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 13:42, 26 replies)

That's not my name
Over the years I’ve done quite a bit of work in music venues, mainly in London but a few festivals here and there too. It started off with bar work but after a few years I moved on to box office stuff – credit card collections, guest list, stuff like that. Here I liaised a lot with security, all of whom knew me from when I had been running around changing beer barrels and cleaning up puke. Perhaps if I had changed fewer barrels I would have dealt with less puke, but I suppose it’s best not to dwell on these things.

Anyway, one of them wasn’t sure of my name, and one day tentatively called me Andy (my name is not Andy). I could tell he was being a bit cautious as he sort of mumbled it, so obviously I did what any normal Englishman would do in this situation - take the bull by the horns and pretend I didn’t quite hear it - therefore missing the opportunity to nip it in the bud.

Unfortunately my mischievous box office colleague cottoned onto this and immediately made a point of blaring out my new name while in front of said security.

“ANDY! Security need some envelopes. Get them some envelopes ANDY!” And so on...

So now he is confident that my name is Andy... and this was about 5 years ago. I still frequent the venue and he still works there, so now I have to answer to the name Andy whenever I’m there, hoping he doesn’t say it in front of anyone else who actually does know my name. Miraculously the staff who still remain from my box office days all seem to have a nickname for me, so the lie has been maintained successfully thus far.

Do you know how hard it is to answer someone who calls you a different name? Especially when you see them infrequently! There’s a bloody reason why undercover cops in movies keep the same first name. I have to admit I do find this situation amusing, but what the hell am I going to do if I get rumbled?! I’VE BEEN ANSWERING TO THE NAME FOR YEARS!
(perfectrhys come find me on PS3., Tue 13 Mar 2012, 12:22, 5 replies)

Amorous Badger's looking after my dog at the moment.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 10:34, 10 replies)

My Husband
Attempt number 7 to give up cigarettes. Hasn’t had any since early January (apparently).
‘Yep, I’m doing well, the electronic ciggies are really helping, feel better in myself, proud of myself’ etc etc.
Nicotine/spidey sense has been niggling for a few weeks now - found half empty packet of ciggies under the seat of his car on the weekend.
How long should let him go on telling his little lies?
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Tue 13 Mar 2012, 3:18, 56 replies)

I AM SPARTACUS !!!!!!!

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 21:10, 27 replies)

I told a girl on a festival forum that she couldn't take a tin opener cos in a public place they're classed as offensive weapons
She went and checked all her cans to see if they were ring pull so she could take them. Ha! I'm such a bastard me
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 21:02, 13 replies)

A sexual misadventure.
I told Dave that I shagged his Mum. He thinks I was joking, but I TOTALLY DID
(Natrix, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 18:27, 2 replies)

I told my parents that I hadn't started smoking.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 18:16, 5 replies)

Sometimes, I look after A Vagabond's dog for him.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 18:01, 3 replies)

Hell Hath No Fury....
Pea Roast.

Once upon a time I used to live in a lovely marina apartment overlooking the Mediterranean in Gibraltar. The sun shone every day, the skies were blue and all was good.

Just below my balcony a huge white 30 meter gin palace was moored up. The skipper, who was something of a friend, told me off the record that the boat belonged to a blind trust, but that his real boss was a Mexican who had fled to Spain following the collapse of the Mexican banking system, at which time large amounts of money has disappeared from said Mexican’s family bank just before the creditors moved in. The Spanish authorities had extradited him back to Mexico where he was serving out his time. They probably got a serious bung for that one, but that didn’t stop them trying to confiscate the boat, which just managed to escape into Gibraltar waters ahead of the Spanish coastguard. So there was this huge boat with all the trimmings sitting in a very small country and unable to leave without being seized by the Spanish.

Once a week the skipper used to start her up, and drive half a mile to the other marina for lunch, then head back again. And that was about the extent of it.

About this time an attractive blonde woman decided to pop over for a week to stay with me – just a friend you understand. She’s a woman who enjoys the finer things in life, so I thought she’d enjoy a trip on the boat, and asked the skipper who not only agreed, but suggested that as a practical joke he’d make out it was my boat. This is where things started to go wrong. In the run up to her arrival a few hints were dropped by friends about strongp being a fool wasting his money, and no, they couldn’t elaborate as they had been sworn to secrecy etc etc. Just as things were building up nicely some work shit blew up in London, so on the day my lady friend arrived I met her at the airport, made my apologies, gave her my apartment keys and left her with my driver while I got onto the plane she had just arrived on.

Fast forward through two days of intense work bullshit, and I get back home to find out the whole thing has blown up into some sort of nightmare; after her jolly little cruise nobody told her the truth as planned, so my lady friend has had 48 hours of intense winding up about the boat, and it’s up to me to lay the beast to rest.

I don’t pretend to understand women at all, but as any b3tans of the feminine persuasion will probably understand this had morphed into a BAD THING. It took about three months before she’d even speak to me again, and to this day if I even try to apologise about the whole the affair she turns a strange red colour and starts throwing sharp things at me. Which is a shame as I could have been an excellent practical joke.

Did I mention I could see Africa from my balcony?
(strongp, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 17:21, 6 replies)

I think you missed one Darth...
Dogs can in fact look up.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Mon 12 Mar 2012, 17:12, 2 replies)

Back in China
Me and and a group of friends had been out all night, it was about 4am we were all terribly, terribly drunk.

It was that time of night when the bar is empty - save a group of stragglers who have now taken over the pool table and juke box and nearest segment of bar area

Music was on loud. When all of a sudden, one of the lads who we had met earlier in the night, started jumping up and down next to my good friend Paul. In my drunken state, never one to miss an opportunity of a dance I quickly lept to my feet and joined them. Bouncing up and down, arms wiggling about in the air.

Suddenly Paul grabs me and shouts, "its ok! Its ok!. Leave it Dan, Leave it!!" in a very Sober defusing manner.

Confused I ask him what he means.

"We werent fighting mate" he said "we were dancing"

Still confused I decided to just agree with the situation and necked some more beer.

The next morning, according to Paul, I was a hero. and everyone in our Team in work thought I was too.

I was brought Cups of Tea's, given cigarettes, and bought a Beer later that evening.

Inquisitive I ask him in an open manner, so as to disguise my lack of knowledge to the sudden love for me.

It turns out Paul believed my attempt at 'dancing' was actually me trying to break up a fight between him and another guy, and trying to subsequently take the guy out. Of course this wasnt the case, I was simply dancing, and so it appears dancing like someone trying to break up a fight.

It was at this point that instead of trying to convince paul it was a big misunderstanding, he made me shut up so he could explain why he had never had a friend who would have done something like that. He gave me this speech about how much it meant to him. One of those speeches where its quite obvious by the wobble in the voice that your friendship has just risen a level to that akin to Brother.

So instead of telling the truth, I raised my glass and congratulated our friendship. I explained it was nothing, and that as a friend I would always be there for him.

Ahwell.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 16:30, 2 replies)

Cut-out-and-keep sample answer
Choose from the following;

1. Sexual misadventure
"I told ....... that I shagged his Mum. He thinks I was joking, but I TOTALLY DID"

2. Patently ludicrous claims
"Yeah so when I said I'd chased down Hitler and Bono and deftly pinned them against the Great Wall of China using the bonnet of my Honda Accord then kicked their faces off I was totally lying. It wasn't MY Honda Accord I TOTALLY STOLE IT"

3. Tortured sci-fi parable
"Yeah those TOTALLY WERE the droids he was looking for!"

Can we go home now?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 16:28, 9 replies)

I was out walking my dog, and dipped into town to get some stuff.
This bloke brushed past me in the street, and banged my elbow.

"Sorry, mate!" he said, apologetically.

"It's alright, no worries" I said, though it did hurt and it had annoyed me.

He'll never, ever know, and the issue will never be resolved.

It will be the longest-running lie in the history of lying.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 15:54, Reply)