You know big issue guys
go through the same speil all the time
"Big issue, help the homeless"
"My last copy"
and when selling one goes "have a nice day"

the one outside TESCO in Dundee goes (constantly)
"Big issue Help the homeless, thank you have a nice day" over and over again, whether anyone buys one at all.

it's so well practiced and dead pan it seems to have a hint of malicious intent for all those who don't buy.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 23:12, Reply)

My Neighbourhood
there are a lot of freaks in my neighbourhood, me included, but this guy is by far the worst...

The guy two doors down from me is a nutter.
He sits at his window with a guitar and chaps the window at passing school kids (primary school kids) while never blinking.
One day he invited my incredibly camp neighbour over for dinner, with his boyfriend, they were all happy clappy nicey nice at dinner when the next day while walking along the street they met again, whereupon said crazy smashed a full glass bottle of irn bru over said camp guy's head shouting "Fucking poofter" at him.

I speak to the neighbour some time later and I am disturbed to find out they can hear some kind of scraping noise in their room.

We find nutterman a few months later being arrested having had his house raided. and we sepak to the neighbour again.
Aparently the police found he was digging a hole with a spoon through his fireplace INTO THEIR BEDROOM.

The house lies empty to this day, i think no-one wants to pay to repair the fireplace.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 23:09, Reply)

BIG SHIRTLESS ROD!
Reply to Gronkpan Page 10!
Oh my god! B S R is what we called him! He is harmless but very deaf. My pal paints public murals and was oft cornered by this speciman. Talks shoutily about things and can't hear you reply so just keeps talking. We wondered where he'd got to and hoped he hadn't bought it. Quite a few to pick from in Hobart eh?
Theres also Yoda (named only for resemblance). The old dirty gnomey man with unveleivably bandaged feet. I mean UNBELEIVABLY. And yet he shuffles along at a snails pace.. I saw him on one of those electric scooters once and thought, hooray. But the next week back to shuffling. I saw a lady in St Kilda once push a dolly pram to the park and then pull out a lot of tea-towels from it. Pushed them all draped on the swings and roundabout then trundled them back home. Ahh I love these folks you all speak of.
Sorry for length. First post. overexcited!
(MissusVroom, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 22:29, Reply)

Hull isn't just famous...
...for fish, trawlers, The Deep and the City Council. Oh no, we have and have had our fair share of people with, shall we say, a couple of screws loose.
Here are 3 that I have known, not personally, but from a distance, pissing myself.
1. I used to work in a supermarket in the town, must be going on for about 12 years now, and I remember this woman who we used to get in store every now and then. She'd be dressed all in black with matted hair, the obligatory smell of piss trailing behind her. Anyway, you'd be filling the baked bean fixture then suddenly look up and she'd be there, standing, her gaze transfixed on the CCTV monitor. The monitor would flick from scene to scene and she'd shout something like, 'IS THAT YOU, EDITH!', at the top of her voice. This would go on for about 10 minutes. I loved her coming in though as you could get a lot of work done, as she seemed to have a knack of scaring other customers off. I also recall one time that she may have shat herself, as I can remember following her out with the mop and bucket.
2. Next is a bloke who marches through the city centre, twitching and barking and picking arguments with the city's youth element. I think he has a mutant form of Tourettes Syndrome, whereby instead of shouting profanities like 'Fuck', 'Cunt, 'Bastard' or 'Wanker' he'd shout 'Carrot', 'Pigeon' or 'Raincoat'.
3. Third is also a bloke. You'd more likely then not see him getting on or off the bus. Thing is if you were on the bus at the time and you were travelling to work or had to be at an appointment, you'd be better off getting off the bus and walking as by the time he'd carried his whole 'life' onto the bus you'd be late. Anyway he used to have about two trollies with him all covered in cardboard with pearls of wisdom wrote on them, like the 'end is nigh' and that sort of thing. He never used to sit down, always preferring to stand up front. He'd then remove a framed picture from one of his trollies and prop it against the bus window. The picture was of some woman. He'd then pack up and get off at the next stop. This was the best bit though, once he'd get off he would stand in the middle of the road and them attempt to direct or conduct the traffic with a handful of biro's which he'd remove from his coat of many pockets, all which had bits of cardboard hanging out, whilst avoiding the swerving traffic. I also heard he would also enter the local shops and direct the customers, whilst flashing his one eyed trouser snake to all and sundry.
I was going to add a fourth with photo evidence, but he's a little close to home. Although he does keep the main road and surrounding areas free of litter.
( Yoofaloof 'I like it here, wherever it is...', Wed 22 Sep 2004, 21:22, Reply)

i've been reminded by my mate of the guy at
the corner sho at my last house who sat around,shouting swears,drinking coke and eating chips.thing was the nice lady behind the counter was nice enough to let him buy 3 fags at a time because he never had enough money and she felt sorry for me.but the wierdest thing was we are pretty sure he has a family!there was a house down the road from the shop where he went every day or twoand he had a $50 phone card that he left in the phone book int he phone booth so he,and i quote,"WON'T FUCKING LOSE IT YOU LITTLE SHITS!NOW GO AWAY!".Oh and if he saw a car he didn't like,he pissed on it.
(That guy with a hat., Wed 22 Sep 2004, 20:35, Reply)

'Stampey man',
used to live in a special home down the road from me. His daily jobs included checking the drains and stamping on the pavement. This he would do by starting off with a gentle tap on the pavement to check it was good. Then gradually get harder and harder until he was jumping up and down on the spot.
His mate 'Smoking lady' was always chain smoking in a very fast pronounced way. She always asked for money for a cup of tea. This was actually to put in fruit machine in local chippy. Was the best thing Monday morning waiting for bus to goto work seeing him doing his rounds.
( BindiBaji, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 18:57, Reply)

I come from Chatham
So i guess that makes me a chav (yay!)

There's always a guy down there who ALWAYS says :
"oi maaaate.... can you spare two quid?"
EVERY time you see him. I think he must be loaded by now

I'd be very interested to know if anyone else has seen him - but by doing that you'd be admitting that you live in chatham so i won't hold my breath....
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 17:59, Reply)

the invisible nutter
well it goes a little something like this:
me and some friends were having a barbecue on the beach, we started at tesco's and took all our gear in a trolley, borrowed from tesco's car park, all the way along the small (20ft high) cliff, to the small path which went down the beach, nice and secluded so we could burn things and not get told off and stuff and i'm ranting... anyways, after we had finished burning the last of our rubbish and blowing up deodourant cans, we went back up to the top of the cliff where had left our trolley, and we found the whole undercarriage of the trolley was gone, posing 3 questions:

a)why would some one want the undercarriage of a trolley? (the bit that connects the 4 wheels to the trolley and eachother)
b)who would be looking for one along a cliff in the middle of nowhere?
c)who carries around a hand saw capable of hacking through 15mm of steel?
d)how come we couldnt hear them doing it? we were never more than 10 feet away from where we had left the trolley...
e)how were we gonna get the barbecue and stuff home?

we did manage in the end, but we still dont understand...
(The Cosmic Boy Zombie (Formerly Pirate Cat), Wed 22 Sep 2004, 17:15, Reply)

More Newcastle nutballs
Once, after a good beerup session in the toon I was walking through Jesmond Dene on a saturday night about 2 or 3 in the morning. I started getting a little freaked out cos it was really dark and spooky. Anyway, when I was about half way through sum bloke came running up the path towards me, my ring tightend and i grabbed my keys as an insane idea for defense against charver attack.
However, as this bloke gets closer my beery eyes are starting to play tricks on me cos I can see he's wearing a suit of armour! Well as it turns out there is a big group of weirdos that go out in the dene on a saturday night, get dressed up as knights, goblins, and wizards and twat each other with rubber swords! WTF!
The guy running at me thought I was "one of the monsters" and only didn't hit me with his sword cos he "realised I was dressed like a normal"..... wot a bunch of dick heads!
(Manatee Fondler, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 17:07, Reply)

The Devil's Wheelchair
Supacherry questioned whether this mystery figure still rode the streets of Cov, or whether he had finally had a showdown with the red man himself. Can't answer I'm afraid as I fled the Shitty City for Leicester.

In fact, walking the streets of of my adopted home the other day I was pondering the lack of real characters (of the sort we are discussing), when what should I see, but a dishevelled beardy hob clutching a can of Shupa and yelling incoherent abuse at a young couple passing by. With a spring in my step I sauntered on, safe in the knowledge that true hobs are forever.
(ManekiNeko loves horses, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 16:44, Reply)

Happy Days in Bath
We had a guy who used to wander around saying "Happy Days!" all the time, it was all he said...ever. When he died they put an obituary in Loaded! there is also Ron in Winchester, but he just burps and farts a lot while asking people for money to buy cigars.
(Weebop, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 16:17, Reply)

Newcastle nut case
There is a random lad who I always see charging around the city centre - he is as mad as a box of frogs!!!!!!
This guy dresses like every other skateboarding rock fan in Newcastle, and looks like one too! However, the guy can't walk he charges down the street with his face twisted up in a permenant angry expression - head phones blaring out some fuckin nasty death metal while he 'sings' at the top of his voice staring everybody down!!!!
I once had the displeasure to suffer a conversation with this bloke when I was working in the Gadget Shop. He was shouting his way around the shop at 70mph when he suddenly stopped and turned to me saying "Wooh it must be fucking excellent to work here, I'd fukcing love to work here, it'd be fucking great" - I've got news for you crazy rock skater boy... no it SUCKED COCK!

Oh yeah there is a giant heshe that wanders around as well - he looks like a fucking rugby player but wears a skirt!!!
(Manatee Fondler, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 14:49, Reply)

Another Bournemouth busking related story...
Please bear with me as I relate this pleasantly disturbing experience to you:
Me and a couple of mates used to do a spot of busking, during the school hols in bournemouth town centre. One day we were merrily parping our way through some classical arrangements and popular songs as usual, trying to lure the sentimental pensioners loose change, when a man stopped to listen. He came over for a chat explaining that he was in charge of musical entertainment at one of the big local hotels, and could do with some extra musicians to supplement his keyboard playing. Although he seemed a bit weird we couldnt really pass up the chance for some extra cash, so agreed to come down to the hotel and form a small band.
So that weekend we got to the hotel, met this fella in a big function room and unpacked our instruments. Turned out this fella had just been taken on by the hotel, who had bought him a swish new electronic keyboard, which he seemed to be fooling around on producing random sounds and beats - he's got some kind of electronic big band and drum kit going on. We just thought "oh he probably hasnt quite got the hang of it yet". Anyway, we say "right what shall we play first?" and he names some old song (probably some old sinatra classic or old musical song - easy enough to pick up the tune). Me and my mates agree on a key, to which the guy gives a worried looking nod, someone starts the tune and everyone kind of joins in one by one.

So picture the scene - we're giving a fairly coherent rendition of a well known song.... until this guy joins in with his keyboard.
He's sitting there in his own world, swaying to the beat, with a look of intense revelatory ecstasy on his face, playing the most tuneless random noise, which doesnt sound like any tune in the history of mankind, but the worst thing is he doesnt realise and does it on every 'song' we try! And to cap it all he occasionally leans over to us and shouts "MAN!" or "YEAH BLOW THAT YOU CAT!" with his mad eyes bulging threateningly at us.
After about half an hour of very uncomfortable 'rehearsing' we make our excuses and leg it. As we're disappearing out the door he was heard to say something like "yeah guys that was amazing! i think we've got something special going!"
Fruitcake.
(littlerichardsmustache, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 14:16, Reply)

Some old lady...
A bit late with the reply, so probably won't get on the best page (although it deserves to). On my way to high school, I walked past a house, in which lived an old lady, who sat still at her window watching all the kids go to school, and she was also there on the way home. Not that unusual, you might say, but we still called her a witch gave her loads of shit.

Anyway, one time, I was walking back to a friends house, and there she was, stood outside her house holding a sponge, speaking into it like a radio asking for back-up because somebody had dropped litter outside her house! We thought best of saying anything abusive to her, in case it really was a disguised radio. Or maybe it was because we were good boys... yeah, we'll go with the second one.
(Keiths Dad, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 13:04, Reply)

This is disturbing.........
I've got a mate who has a habit of sleeping with the mums of all the local chavs, and the last one was 43! And hes 19! The trouble he gets in for it, and he still does it! Does he count as a nutter, or a national hero for services against chavscum?
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 11:54, Reply)

How many blind whistlers are out there?
One previous post is about a certain whistler, there's one in Reading too! He stands outside John Lewis all the time, although sometimes when he's not really feeling like whistleing he just bangs this plastic tub with his big white stick. Does anyone else know of anymore blind whistlers? Maybe they are all part of some underground clan?
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Wed 22 Sep 2004, 9:54, Reply)

Birkenhead has Freaky Tall Guy
Tall (6ft 8 ish) ginger dude with Earphones on.
Hangs around outside MusicZone, Burtons, and M+S. Plays air drums and walks around in circles all day.

LEGEND.
( dantl, Wed 22 Sep 2004, 9:15, Reply)

my uncle had a pretty
chronic dose of schizophrenia a few years back and his GP called me to pick him up and take him to the local psichiatric hospital. After he was committed and sedated I was filling some forms and I said to the nurse, "it must get colourful in here at times" and she replied "we've had three 'J. Christs' check in today" then shrugged and walked off.
(BadLuck13RiotExtravaganza, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 23:47, Reply)

Red card, buddy!
Around the LaTrobe Valley, Victoria (Australia), there are many surrounding power stations, so you can imagine there would be many nutters around.
One that springs to mind is Mark. He spends all day talking to the employees at Coles, Target, Safeway and Big W. If he sees you, he'll ask whether is doing a good job. If you say yes, he'll say "Thanks for that, buddy!" and give you an enthusiastic round of applause.
If you say no, he gives you a yellow card. He will ask again and if you say "no" again, he will give you a red card and send you to an imaginary sin-bin.
I heard once that someone did something so bad, that Mark issued them with a BLACK card.
But when he's not talking, he'll be juggling coins from hand to hand, jingling his keys right in front of his face or tapping his broken watch, trying to find the time.
(Addie81, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 23:18, Reply)

Harrogate Rudi and local Leeds lass
I remember Rudi! Used to hang around the bus station at going to school time and shout SCHOOOOOOOOOOLIEEEEES very loudly, which made everyone laugh..

There's someone similar in Leeds called Frankie the Horn Guy - goes to various gigs and dances like a spakka blowing two horns that he isn't seen dead without.

Also there's this girl in my local co-op who I quite fancy called Amy who's always moaning loudly about everything, but it kinda endears her to ya, if you know what i mean.. She keeps wearing her hair in pigtails... Mmmm

Still she's not as bad as the guy who used to work there called Kevin who was a bit of a spak, and had very bad black bumfluff on his face and stank - and i mean STANK - of B.O. - I dropped subtle hints to the shop manager about "putting him to work in THE DEODORANT DEPARTMENT *wink*" and now he doesn't work there, dunno why..

Still, Amy does... Mmm pigtails...
( smokinfish * All time exists simultaneously *, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 21:26, Reply)

Rudi and other Harrogate nutters
Rudi did indeed change his name and is/was known on his council tax forms as "Rudi Jesus Christ God of Power". Not been back for, ooh, 7 years so I don't know if he's still about.

'onourable 'arrogate mentions must also go to:

"the Nah-nah woman" who would roam the town centre in the classic nylon Himmler blue old woman's coat, repeating two words, nah and nah, and occasionally dribble for hours in the back row of pews in St Peter's Church, smelling badly to herself; and also to:

"Gyrating Jeff", the 70 something rocker who enjoyed dancing (gyrating, if you will) in silver lame' undies in and around the Black Swan before it became the Devonshire...
(Erik Fishead, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 20:10, Reply)

Dutch
This isn't local, but its a nutter.

We were on a rusty old shuttle bus in an airport in thailand, really cramped! and the seats weer facing inwards. Anyway, this fat, drunk, dutch man got on and started moaning about the war, shouting at people "What zeh heil are you luking azt?!" Then he was just staring at people for a 30seconds straight. When the bus finaly started moving he was all over the place, because he wouldnt sit down, he fell on me, then almost fell on this pregant woman, who stood up furiously and screamed in a spanish accent "you better fucking sit down man or im going to kick the shit out of you!" Everyone on the bus cheered, but he just went cross eyed and started giggling, anyway he kept asking everytime the bus stopped "is zis denmark?!"
"yes! It bloody is!" I went, At which point he shook my hand said "zank you" and fucked off out the bus into the middle of somewhere in Bankok!
(deathphoiadeath, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 18:16, Reply)

local customers
I see her from my window alot, an old woman with a hamster ball, walking it up and down the street for hours, shes looks so inocent, but I see her give the poor thing a good kick everynow and then!
Also the balls coverd in duck tape, so I think most of tis air holes are coverd.
(deathphoiadeath, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 18:02, Reply)

Southfields Nutter
John, or Mad John as he is affectionately know has been around for years, he used to be a bit eccentric when he was working as a roofer but his mothers death kind of sent him over the edge. He is intimidating but pretty harmless. Barred from both pubs in southfields, it's worth a fiver to see the management try to get him out when he comes in shouting (in a blessedesque fashion) "I not a bad man" and trying to shake everyones hand with his pissy mit. Other gems include: Bellowing at a load of Japanese tourists he was the mayor of Southfields to which they all started taking photos. Sitting in a deckchair in the middle of a crosroads during Wimbledon tennis directing traffic with two ping pong bats. Apearing on the 11 o'clock show when Daisy Donovan asked him what he most disliked about London and he shouted at the top of his voice "THE NOISE". I could go on there are so many, come to southfields and check him out.
(Carling in a Stella glass Sky high and six thousand miles away, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 17:45, Reply)

Oswald (Hackney)
When I worked at the Homerton hospital (1992?) there was a giant black bloke from one of the psych wards. He used to sit outside Woolworths in Mare Street, stark bollock naked and play his guitar & sing.

Give him credit - he did do a fab version of Shendandoah!
( bluebluebluebluemoon, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 17:39, Reply)

The Polygon, Southampton
I'd watch out if you live in this supposed student ghetto, as two old ladies don't like the way the area is going and are taking decisive action. This action involves hiding in peoples gardens and videotaping them, in order to present their evidence to the police, I suppose.
The police don't seem to care, at least ever since the grannies got a restraining order put on them for the racist abuse they put the asian drug dealers across the street through.
( Zuowan, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 17:38, Reply)

One String & Crazy George
I think he is probably dead, but Worcester used to have an ancient busker who gradually lost the strings on his guitar leaving him eventually with just the one, which he sort of played anyway, though it eventually hung down to his lap. I think some people may have given him money at some point, but can't be sure.
Crazy George was better though, and he really is dead for sure. Whenever any band struck up in the high street he would come along and tap dance in front of them in a waistcoat and flat cap, grinning like a retard. Which, to be fair, he obviously was.
( Zuowan, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 17:33, Reply)

Sid - Re: The Fat Blind Whistler
Is this the same one that I've seen in Tamworth and Burton? Or is the Midlands a hotbed of blind-whistling?
(Tonto Popadopolous, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

Round my way is a care in the community home...
where there are a good selection of nutbars that integrate into our society... for the last 15 years theres been:

Phyllis (or fagash Lil) who is about 70 now and walks to the bus stop to sit on the bench whilst chain smoking. She likes to wear '80's style luminous colours and hats.

Theres Martin, the paper boy/man who married another resident at the consent of both their parents. This is a known fact as I had to cover the paper round for him when I was 13 so they could go on their honeymoon.

And theres no-name cycle man who cycles around and talks to trees.

But our favourite is Peter (or Cecil as he's known) who is on serious medication, and minesweeps the pubs which makes him really pissed so he goes on the chav for cigs. He likes buses and knows every bus route in a 15 mile radius. He was rumoured to have a huge cock which has been confirmed by a number of the looser ladies in our area, and keeps getting beaten up for falling in love with girls in shops and trying to molest them. He also insists that he knows computers and regularly saves large companies from financial disaster by fixing all their PC's. Whilst wearing a blue overall and high visibilty jacket. He recently found love with "Eileen" who lives in a similar home about 10 miles away, and doesn't get it when we ask him if follows the title of the Dexy's Midnight Runners song....
(mrpaulo shaving the world, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 16:38, Reply)

Jesus touched me......
While I was doing work experience at school I had to get the bus into Stockport every day, and there was this guy (presumably a nutter (or someone with a huge sense of humour)) who used to get on.

To cut it short he thought he was Jesus, and was always dressed like you'd imagine Jesus in any picture long white/grey robe, no shoes, thing made of plants on his head.

There was this group of scallies that used to have a go at him calling him a nutter on the bus, until he held out his hand waved it across the lads face and said in the most sincere voice I have ever heard 'I forgive you'.

Definately a 'had to be there moment' the scally just went white and got off at the next stop.
(Klynton, Tue 21 Sep 2004, 16:11, Reply)