Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS.
1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions about patients z,y and z, the bloke opposite is sitting in a puddle of his own shit, there is someone in the next bay with a blood pressure of 82/40 and a heart rate of 119, this better be good. Also: we know when you're being rude due to pain/feeling crappy and just plain being a cunt.

2. Stop smoking, cut down your booze intake and lose some weight. It's not namby-pamby PC gorn 'elf and safety crypto-facist lefty nannying, it's common sense. Yes you look very cool smoking in your teens and twenties, but trust me, you will look and feel like shit in your fifties.

3. Do you really need to go to A & E? Sometimes it can't be helped, but can your GP or NHS direct deal with it?

4. If you do have to go to A & E and have to wait, then I'm afraid that that's the rub. You've been triaged, you'll be seen as and when your level of Broken warrants. Sometimes the alcoholic tramp next to you NEEDS seeing first, them's the breaks. See also : point 1.

5. Apart from your GP, 90% of doctors you see will be juniors. Yes, they've been to university for 6 years, yes they're pretty clever. They are, nonetheless still learning and may very well make mistakes. A responsible senior nurse or a pharmacist will swiftly them see right, particularly if you air your worries.

6. GP's have a wide but shallow pool of knowledge. If you are not happy with the care you receive or your diagnosis, don't just go home and keep coming back week in, week out whilst bitching about it to your mates, colleagues and the internet. GO AND SEE A DIFFERENT ONE, it's OK to seek a second opinion. See also points 1 and 5.

7. Unless you have a chronic(ie you've had it for years) condition, you almost certainly DO NOT know more than your doctor/nurse/physio/pharmacist. Details however, are always helpful. See also point 1.

8. Pretty much every procedure you undergo will be painful, uncomfortable, undignified or any combination of these things. Air your worries BEFORE the gloves are being put on or MTFU.

9. When you have a nurse/doctor at your bedside ensure that all you need to do/want is done whilst they're there. It may be some time before they are able to get back to you and trust me, EVERYONE hates someone who is constantly on the buzzer. If you have questions for them jot them down so you don't forget.

10. Hospital care has changed a lot in recent times. The emphasis now is one keeping people at home if possible. This means that if you are admitted it is generally Serious Business. Everyone else around you is also likely to be pretty ill. If you have to stay in another night, them's the breaks. See also: point 1.

11. If you know you're coming into hospital bring earplugs, books, an MP3 player, etc. Hospitals are noisy places with lots of exciting things happening but YOU will get very very bored. Also, distraction is an excellent and effective treatment for pain in the right circumstances. And a notepad.

12. Private hospitals are staffed by the same doctors and nurses as work in the NHS hospitals, only they're there on their days off and are knackered. The staffing is generally to the legal minimum. Granted the food is better and you may get a lovely(bug harbouring) carpet in your room.

13. Bring food in. Hospital food is better than it was but it's still not great. When you're trying to feed several hundred ill people, many of whom have complicated dietary needs, it's tricky to do well on a budget of £2/person a day..

14..but don't overload your bedspace with stuff. Clutter breeds bugs and accidents.

15. Don't be fucking stupid. Seriously. That hilarious stunt involving petrol, chainsaws, aerosol cans and a lighter that you're filming for youtube? Don't be fucking stupid.

16. Unless you're an old lady and it's one of the many gay men employed by the NHS on the receiving end(don't ask me why, they're the only ones who are allowed to get away with it), don't flirt with the staff. You are not at all sexy in your present condition and frankly are coming across as a bit creepy/desperate/needy(delete as applicable).

17. DO NOT FIDDLE with lines, drips, cathers, wounds, dressings, etc. You WILL come off second best. See also points 8 and 15.

18. LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE ADVISED. In the words of your mum would you take me up the shitter now, we're not saying this for the good of our health, it's for YOURS. See also points 1, 2, 6, 7 and 10.

19. Don't try and cheer the porters up. It won't work.

20. Really, don't be a cunt, I don't swear at you when you sneeringly ask me 'have you switched it off and on again?'. Not to your face anyway.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:42, 21 replies)

From inside the NHS...
Its not perfect but its available to you whenever you need it. And yes, sometimes Drs and Nurses may seem slightly uncaring but we actually are human, usually a human who has worked for the last 10 hours with a ten minute break and probably really really needs to pee.

But we actually do care and are trying to help you in the best way that we can but shouting at me wil not get you sen quicker it will only cause you to be removed from the A&E and probably make a very harrased nurse cry.

And if you come into A&E,you will have to wait. Thats the nature of the system. If you have to wait more then 4 hours in minors waiting room, thats either due to the sheer volume of people, or if it doesn't seem that busy, think about what may possibly be going on in another area of the department. More then likely, there is somebody seriously ill in resus, possibly a child, possibly someone like you, and thats were the Drs and nurses are.

And to those of you who have been dealt a shit hand by the NHS, I can only apologise that you have come across the lazy and uncaring side, te rest of us are quite nice.

SO all in all, yay for the NHS but more staff and less patients woud be lovely please!!

*puts soapbox away*
(minsh, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:38, 3 replies)

I think the most pathetic I've felt in a hospital
was one Friday night in the middle of the summer. I worked a bar in Green Park, Mordor, and at about 10pm a lady asked for a glass of red wine. Having finished the previous bottle, I started opening a new one, and somehomw managed to break it and thrust my thumb onto the broken neck.

Claret everywhere, and, since I was the only one working, I had to wrap my thumb, shoosh everyone out, and call a cab to take me to A&E, as I clearly needed stitches.

I was taken to Guy's in the middle of Mordor, and, it being 10-30pm on a Friday, A&E was full up with pissed teenagers throwing up, tramps fighting with each other, junkies flaking out, people with pans stuck on their heads - the lot - and I'm standing there saying to a nurse "I've cut my thumb ... "

As an epilogue, I left A&E at about 4am, and thus was late for work the next day. One of the locals had already told the landlady the story, and the first thing she said to me was "What were you doing opening a new bottle of wine at 10pm? You should have refused because it's a waste."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:30, Reply)

I'll Be Back
I can only thank the doctors and nurses present for not stitching "Twunt" to my forehead or making a total fuckery of my nose when I was in to have my nose rebroken and reset (faceplant off a big swing onto concrete = fail) back at school.

When administering the sleepytime into my veins I started to feel the cold spreading as I was told to count back from 20. So, expecting the zonkout to come soon I uttered in my most manly (for a 13 year old) Eastern European accent "I'll Be Back"......

Cue a very uncomfortable 10 seconds or so that felt like about an hour of the anesthetist, 2 nurses and whoever the other bods were looking down at me, sans any kind of humour.

I awoke with a start in a bed, sat bolt upright and felt all the sickness ever invented, spewed on myself and passed out. I recall my nana playing on a gameboy next to the bed trying to say something but i was away again.


When I awoke, this time deciding that lying down was a good option I Totally Recalled my attempt at funny and along with the sicky smell wafting up from my pjs.....felt like a right buffoon.


p.s next time i was put under a few years later i opted for "Bye" and got a giggle from a nurse.....Win! if only I'd tried that the 1st time :-/
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:24, 6 replies)

Don't lie....
Many years ago now, I was on a school sports trip with a large group of lads.

Boys being boys, much hijinx ensued and to cut a long story short I ended up being picked up by someone twice my size, turned upside down and dropped on my shoulder.

Everyone has a laugh, I get up and dust myself off but wait.... something's clicking up there at he top of my arm....

To me, it felt like it was dislocated and thus I voiced my opinion. This was not a good plan, as someone grabbed my arm and pulled, thinking that it would put it back in place - in hindisight, I'd probably advise getting this done by:
a) someone who knows how to do it
and b) following an actual diagnosis of a dislocated shoulder.

Apparently I literally turned green. Cue a trip to A&E in an ambulance, where I described having tripped up. Doctors decide I hadn't described a fall capable of doing real damage and so after some very strong painkillers and a bit of arm manipulation, refused to x-ray due to the "radiation risks", so I end up with a box of ibuprofen and a slightly tarnished pride.

A week later my entire shoulder was yellow/purple so I went to the local GP with who told me that my two shoulders probably couldn't look any more different and I should get an x-ray asap. It turned out I'd snapped my colar bone in half and due to a week of not moving it, the two bones had started to set in an odd way.

I broke the same collar bone again a few years later at a foam party and got some pretty raised eyebrows from the radiologists when when they saw how the previous break had healed!

So I guess the moral of the story is, the doctors probably need to know what's actually happened to you to know what's wrong.
Apologies for length etc.
( Jsysco is mostly a lurker, mostly, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:14, 1 reply)

NHS and it's obsession with fat people
my mum was plump, as most amazing mum's are.

1 day she started being sick alot, got worried, went to the GP. "you're too fat, lose some weight"

2 months later, still being sick, loosing lots of weight. GP says "You're still too fat and you're eating the wrong food"

1 more month later, stomach swollen, being sick, lost a lot of weight "You're eating the wrong food, try keep the weight down"

2 weeks later, a 2nd opinion - "you're got Ovarian Cancer thats now spread to your lungs, stomach and other organs. It's too far gone. If we'd have caught it sooner.........."

GP's - doctors who can't be arsed to do their jobs properly and would rather lance boils for old dears and claim for the minor surgery payments.
(TheManofScience, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 10:11, 1 reply)

Ouf where to start....
My local Hostpital is a shit hole. I;ve got a bunch of hoor stories about it.

M. He used to be a stone mason (not the secret order kind) and he got a back injury and had to go for surgery at the local hospital. They injected his spine with an Anesthetic he told them he was allergic too. Took him 5 years before he could walk on his own again.

A. Someone M met at hospital. The hospital had given him a repeat perscription and forgotton to follow up. Now A was dying because the drugs he had taken where melting his organs. He was given 12 months to live. When he tried to sue the hospital the lawyers push back the court date by 3 years. ie they expected him to be dead for 2 years before the case went to court.

R. Neighbour with progressive supranuclear palsy. Somehow, when he was late into the disease, food was accidentaly placed in his airtube not his food tube. He died from it. Local hospital refused to admit any hint of a fault. This really upset R's widow and 2 preteen children.

S. My mate with several stomache problems that can leave him in blindiing agony for several hours. His trips to the local hospital have been nightmares. One time they refused to admit him even though he kept calling an ambulance most days because of the pain he was in. He had to threaten to kill himself to get admitted.
Another time he went in near the end of November and was admitted to a quarentined ward. So he picked up a nasty vomiting/diorreah bug on top of his severe stomache pains and almost spent christmass in the hospital. Last time he was in there they kept giving him the usual hospital food no matter how many times he explained that he was on a special diet as part of his treatment.
He's also told me that he never sees nurses wash their hands unless someone higher up is around. Not nice when the nurse comes out from the toulet after helping someone poo and then prepares evenones drinks without washing their hands in between.

M. Came into hospital for an appointment with a doctor. Waited 5 days ebfore the doctor came back from holiday, and another 2 before he managed to see her as he had a massive backlog as staff kept making appointments to see him even though he was away.

My pregnant sister and 15 month old nephew. The hospital didn't tell them that the ward they were visiting was infected with the Nova T virus. She found out thanks to a small, handwirrten notice on her way out.

Me. Years ago I really hurt my elbow and I went to the hospital. They sent me home telling me it was a sprain. I had to get my doctor to make an appointment at another hospital to find out I had chipped a bone in my elbow.
Antoher time I was hit by a car, they left me on a hospital bed in the corridor and lost/forgot about me for a few hours. I amost went into shock.

Fcuk my local hospital. I try to avoid it like the plague.

*Edit. 2 more bits added.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 9:53, Reply)

Dear Royal Mail
Why are you always late in delivering my letters?
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Nothing wrong with the NHS
... that can't be sorted by removing Politicians and Managers from the equation
(Biff..., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 9:25, 4 replies)

The TFIB Box
My sister is a doctor and regularly has me in tears with some of the horror stories from the wards. One of my favourites was the TFIB box. TFIB is Things Found In Bodies, or usually "in bottoms" & 95% of the times mens bottoms!! Now the more run of the mill items include dildos, fruit/veg and mobile phones but she's also had to remove live eels, ping pong balls, TV remotes, a broom handle (snapped off!) and several of those Zhu Zhu pets - it's the vibrations apparently! They keep the more interesting things in a trophy box. The craze of mostly gay men taking moulds of their arses seems to have died out; some started using plaster of Paris with disatrous results!!! Her advice is just be honest, if you've got something stuck in your bum or on your knob chances are the doctors have seen it all before!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 9:17, 2 replies)

Stavros the Dentist
I'm no expert on dental practices, so not really sure if any of this is mal-practice or not. Maybe someone could tell me?


My dentist, Stavros, once needed to give me a root canal for a tooth which had been broken a few years ago and had gradually gotten worse.
The procedure seemed to go ok; I was numbed up fair enough, the seat was comfy, the nurse had at least stopped smoking (though the smell of ciggys was still fairly strong) and Stavros was merrily drilling away... until!
There was a sudden change in sound from the drill and a jolt, and Stavros switched it off to look at the drill bit... except the drill bit would come out of my mouth, no matter how much he shook my head to yank it away. And he did yank my head about quite hard. In the end he had to detach the mechanism from the drill front, leaving half a drill haning out of my mouth, then use another drill to chisel it out.

Now This could just be one of the those unfortunate things that can happen, but there were possible clues that there was something up.

1.When I am lay back unable to move while people are sticking all sorts on tools into your mouth (hey hey, enough of that!), all you can really see are their faces. So when Stavros' eyes became somewhat wider and shifty/nervous, it was pretty noticable to me.


2. after eventually removing said drill and finished drilling, he cauterised the wound with a lighter (borrowed from nurse ashtray perhaps?)- is this normal, anyone?

3. By next morning the whole side of my face had swollen to the point of having a huge popeye-esque gurn. I had to take antibiotics for 5 days before Stavros could then take the filling back out and start again. He said I swelled up because I was 'being sensitive'.

4. About 3 years later my filling fell out. I had moved away by then but not got round to register with another dentist, so went back to Stavros for some emergency treatment (I was leaving the next day to go to spend 3 weeks in China). He took a look inside, and with a voice of disbelief asked "where did you get that done??"

me: "er, here."

Stavros: (grabbing my file) "...Oh, oh yes that`s the one we did here. Well, these things happen."
(DaftenDirekt, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 9:01, 2 replies)

Your local friendly GP
Sorry for lack of funnies but i will try and drop the odd one in as i go along..............wavy lines...........

Back in February 2009 (ok the wavy lines aren't that big or prolonged) I was in the shower having a general good scrub when, whilst washing the danglies i noticed what can only be described as a pea attatched to one of my clackers (inside on the bollock itself not outside on the skin), calling the then Mrs Spinks she examined me (with that "i know what your doing, blowjob after the shower boy" look on her face). She concurred with me that indeed i did have a lump and that a visit to my doctors was indeed in order! Anyway a few days later I found myself sat in the waiting area of my GP's, sat quietly amongst the hoardes of people who, i swear to god, consider the doctors surgery as a day trip and a good place to spend a day!! I digress, i saw my GP who told me "yes you do have a lump, its nothing to worry about". With my angst duly put aside off i toddled and tried to forget about the offending clacker.

As time went by the dangly lump started growing and becoming a bit achy, i also started getting backache (not uncommon in steel erecting)So I went back to see the doctor and, not even looking up from the computer screen let alone examine me, he told me "i said last time it was nothing please leave"...i was somewhat shocked so went to see the receptionist to see another doctor for a second opinion (doctors receptionists are a whole different story...when was a medical degree and the ability to diagnose a prerequisite for being a receptionist for fuck sake??) I saw another doctor the following day and again, barely registering my prescence he concurred with the earlier GP that i had nothing to worry about (hello wheres the examination or the referral please!!)

A week goes by and the backache and clackerbag pain is getting markedly worse and sod it i took myself to A&E where i saw a brilliant young doctor (not British but he was amazingly caring and professional) who sent me to the ultrasound people for an IMMEDIATE scan....anyway i'll cut out the boring stuff but after all the scans etc i was taken in to have the offending clacker removed and had a full CT scan thingumy..the results?? Cancer....not just in the testicle, oh no thats not good enough, due to the delay in getting checked its spread to my abdomen and lungs!! 4 months of chemo later and I am sat waiting for the next bout of surgery to remove a few more tumours.....so.........THANKS A FUCKING BUNCH DR "HAIRY EARS" YOU ARE A COMPLETE AND UTTER CUNT!


Ooops i seem to of forgotten the funnies....my bad!
(spinks its only kinky the first time, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:58, 5 replies)

Squitty mouth !
Sorry to repost from an old question, but it is sort of relevant......

Back in the late 80's when rabbitz was a dental nurse - One day Mrs Poundland brought her charming son to our surgery, insisiting that "Ee needs to see the Doctor straightaway 'is marf as rottid !!" After a poke about and surpressed gagging from both myself and dentist, he turns to the lady and calmly tells her that her darling son is suffering from pyorrhea (advanced gum disease). She replied with a totally straight face "Is that why 'is breff stinks o' shit then ?"

We nurses also used put the willies up (so to speak) the sort of gobshite patients that outwardly called dentists "butchers", by verbally referring to our lovely boss as
"Mr Dewhurst".
( rabbitz, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:47, 1 reply)

Scooby Poo
I know there have been a few finger-up-the-arse stories but(t) I thought I'd throw mine in.
I get medicals with work for free every few years, and its reassuring to be told you're not dead yet.
This one went as normal, and then the hairy Eastern European lady Doctor said "well we won't bother with a prostate examination as you are under 40".
I asked "is it free? Because if its included I may as well have it".
"You don't need it!"
"Well if its been paid for I'd like it".

So I was asked to lie on the padded table thing in the feotal position and "lower my trousers and underwear".
She put a glove on and said "I'm afraid this is rather uncomfortable".

So I braced myself, and then, she stuck her finger up there and... I giggled like Scooby Doo. Exactly like scooby doo, and then when she withdraw her finger I let out a smug little trump.

Her disgusted face I thought was quite unprofessional, but I think she thought I had done it on purpose.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:46, 2 replies)

Doctor
Man walks in to the doctors office wrapped in cling film. The doctor looks up from his medical journal as says, "well, I can clearly see your nuts"

I am sorry but I had to tell it, as bad and old as it is it still makes me chuckle. Cling film, nuts - genius
(stoozin, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:36, Reply)

Mmmmmm nurses
My missus has spent a lot of time in hospitals.

When she was "nowt but a lass" she was unlucky enough to be run over, by a Reliant Robin no less, she suffered a broken shoulder and pelvis and really does have the scars of botched plastic surgery to prove it.

Of course in adult life, and after giving birth to two wonderful children, she developed arthritis in both hips. The worst hip was worn away to nothing so eventually it was replaced, however she still has a great deal of pain making it difficult to walk - she has basket of tablets to counter this pain, and tablets to counter the side effects of the pain killers, and more tablets for the side effects caused by those tablets.

However she does manage to hold down a full time job, whilst she was convalescing she went to college and did an access course, then went on to uni for 3 years doing both placements and normal lectures etc etc.

She's been working for 2 years now, her job ? Well she's a staff nurse on a cardiology unit, they get the guys in who have fallen down with a dodgy ticker. Sometimes we'll talk about work and I'll tell her my tales of daring do with dodgy servers and gormless users.

Then she'll tell me about the 30 minutes cpr she performed on an old lady who was going to die later anyway, she'll tell me about the druggies who have abused themselves so much that their heart is in worse condition that the old ladies, ever tried to find a vein on a herion addicts body thats not collapsed ? She'll tell me about the senile ones who shit themselves, the abusive old dears who dont have a clue where or when it is. She get two breaks a day, usually, if she is lucky she'll have one of them 6 hours late.

The NHS may be flawed, there are certainly not enough staff, but my wife and her colleagues do a damn fine job, she is truly my Florence Nightingale
(polar69, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:17, Reply)

Dentists're great, the last few I've had have been real characters
One of mine once numbed and packed my mouth up, asked me a complicated question, pretended to listen to the answer and then said 'Sorry, I don't speak Klingon.' I then shook with laughter, and she said 'PLEASE try to keep still!'
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 8:04, 2 replies)

Used to have an excellent dentist called Atif
and so was able to say 'I'm going to see Atif about me teeth!'

Feeble, yes, but it always kept me giggling until at least the first injection.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 7:42, 1 reply)

hmmm
well i come from a medical family, so i'm biased, obviously. quick points and i'll let you carry on. i just can't let it slide.

EDIT: actually this has turned very positive from first few posts i read so you can ignore the below you lubbly peepl :)

Some doctors/nurses/etc are fucking amazing. they work longer than you can imagine, deal with stuff daily I couldnt handle once in a lifetime and are expected to give their entire life up for the job.
Some are arseholes. Often because it's got to a point where they just can't care any more but also because in every job sometimes folk are just bad at it and some folk are just arseholes.
you know those days when you just can't be arsed to go in to work? Doctors don't really get to do that.
You know that 72 hour shift you pulled while you were training for your art degree? and the shift 4 hours of disturbed sleep later where you had to console those poor parents? and you were so tired and hungry the best option left was amphetamine, when you know EXACTLY what that does to you? what do you think months of that does to morale and your caring attitude?
Most of the doctors i know have regular nutters coming in with one complaint or another. Proper nutters like we'd dedicate a QOTW to.
I was in a car accident and tried to get an appointment to get another sicknote, unfortunatly so many people thought they had swineflu i couldnt get one for a week. The doctor i saw told me the percentage was "about 5% flu, 70% bit of a cold, 25% wanting a week off work".
I live in the UK, we get it free. Ok, sometimes it not perfect but hells bells I don't earn enough to have paid for the pacemaker that gave my dad an extra 15 years of life.
I've got stories coming out of my ears but dear god it's not a job i could do.

don't get me started on the folk who kick off and sue because the doctor thinks homeopathy doesnt cure childhood cancer.

rant over. i'm sorry. kittens.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 7:32, Reply)

Schoolboy error
Not on my part, but the nurses. After coming round from an operation having one of the glands removed from my neck (leaving a 5-inch run of staples running from behind my ear to under my jawline) the nurse attended to me to remove the mask and tube which was still in my throat.

Now, the sensible thing to do would have been to remove the elastic strap from behind my head before trying to take the mask off. Instead, she got the mask a couple of inches away from my face and the tube halfway out before her grip failed and the mask snapped back, the tube jabbing the back of my throat. I'm sure my eyes must've almost popped out of my head, the mask was removed quickly and correctly and apologies were given.

This whole mishap wouldn't have been so bad if the end of the tube hadn't caught my uvula (dangley bit at the back of your mouth), tearing the skin from it. Untreated for 2 days it got infected, swelled up, went black with white crap and dead skin hanging from it and caused my doctor to give me even stronger painkillers than the hospital gave me for the other pain in my neck.

Oh, and morphine = win.
(Grobie, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 7:24, Reply)

I had appendicitis a few years back
and anyone else who has had it will know about the test doctors have to perform to confirm. The test involves having a finger inserted into your anus. At least my GP was kind enough not to perform it, since he said the hospital would only do it again in order to confirm anyway.

At the hospital, a young doctor comes in. He lubes up. He rams what feels like his whole hand up my asshole, then he gives me morphine.

I am not 100% sure, but I think that makes me kind of like a crack whore.

Morphine is fucking awesome though, I'll tell you that.
( Mystery_Bob, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 6:25, 2 replies)

the local docs
Some horrors from our local doctors.Sorry for length, this is an ongoing story as i write, and is fucking scary for us. It could be happening to people in your local GPs surgery right now. who knows why - cost cutting? The bonuses GPs get to not refer people? Dumbness? A "We cant be wrong" complex?

Either way these GP's seem unable to do much other than give vaccines. Theres the time my girl went in with throat trouble and was told squarely by the doc that she had tonsillitis and would be booked in to have them removed. This all, wisely, despite said tonsils having already been removed 10 years previously.

Thankfuly (?) the cause of the trouble was determined to be a malformation in the neck vertebrae which had shifted (fluid pockets/blockages choking the spine or something), but that nugget of info was not thanks to our doctors - we had to find our own private specialist and pay out of our arse for the MRI. Even after that the GP's decided that as they "havent seen that condition before" it cant possibly be affecting their patient. the private doctor (who also happened to be one of the most senior spinal surgeons in cardiff NHS as well) offered to write again with his diagnosis and some strong words, we got some satisfaction knowing that our local GP's were going to be 'enlightened' as he put it. Despite the letter he wrote (and copied us) giving them a very severe bashing on our behalf, the GP's decided their best cause of action to help in future was to google the condition. Yep, our GP's go to medical school and work over all them years to google things they dont get. Shes registered disabled, highly likely because it wasnt caught earlier. Her mobility is now severely impaired. This happened between october and december.

Theres the time she went in for abdominal pains, to be turned away with the excuse of an upset tummy. Pains progressively get worse, so every few days shes back. They palm her off with excuse after excuse until she checks herself into casualty one night. Severely damaged gall bladder (infection from stones i think) needs to be removed, highly likely could have been saved if she had been treated the first time around. That was a few years or so ago - long before i was around.

And lately, the kicker. The one that makes me want to bang their head together like smashing melons. December she goes in with a lump in her breast. Shes already had cervical cancer surgery in the past. Fucking MASSIVE alarm bell signs. GP's send her home saying they dont think its anything, but with a promise of a referral to get it checked out by the specialists.

They do NOTHING.

month later, its bigger and shes starting to loose a lot of weight (half a stone in 2 weeks). Back to the GP's who tell her its "probably a collection of fat cells" and who claim no knowledge of the original referral they were supposed to do. They promise a referral now, but advise it could be many months of waiting as they dont see it as urgent. Tempers become frayed, which seems to make the Gp's dig into their stance even more. They cant possibly be wrong! (see earlier 2 parts of this story for details).

Again, they do NOTHING.

So 2 weeks later, shes back to see them, only now theres not just a lump in her breast, she is having severe abdominal pains around where her liver is (liver cancer being one of the most common secondary cancer caused by breast cancer). They decide this is a strss related stomach ulcer (even though the stomach is on the fucking other side of the body) so give her ulcer pills and send her on her way. They do finally conceed to doing the referal they were supposed to do, but still, no upgrade to 'urgent' status and she is on some long long months long waiting list for a non urgent breast exam.

So we go through even more tears here, things feel fucking horrible and shes distraught that i emigrated from another country to be here with her for all this to happen. Reassurance is given, and we are trying our best to keep our upcoming wedding on track. By now the GP's are point blank refusing to see her for these issues as she is on the waiting list for the breast exam and has meds for the 'ulcer.'

Another month passes by and now her lymph node in her left arm is like a golf ball and about another stone of weight is gone. So thats lump #2 - in the lymphatic system now - with ongoing severe abdominal pains around the liver, lots of fatigue, a lump in her breast and severe weight loss (another very common secondary cancer caused by breast cancer attacks the lymph nodes, usually under the arms btw). By now we are both wrecks, several highly charged phone calls ensue and the GP's agree to see her again. The GP she sees this time agrees theres no way her abdominal pains are related to a stomach ulcer due to their location, but offers no other help there as he wants her to wait and see "if they go away on their own." He confirms the golf ball in the arm pit is indeed a lymphatic swelling but decides its likely an infection, despite the 2 lumps, abdominal pain and the fact the golf ball has been gradually growing for a fucking month, so the girl is offered antibiotics.

Plenty of 'we arent standing for this shit any more' kind of "talking" (ahem) ensues and the GP concedes to a blood test within a week, but wont refer for an MRI, CAT scan or XRAY. Shes off for the blood test soon and we are positively crapping our pants. These doctors are either inept beyond the highest form, or they just have some kind of death wish for my lady.

We are scared, fucked off, tired of having to fight for the healthcare we all pay for, and fucked off with being palmed off by third rate "doctors" who would rate poorly on the common sense scale compared to say, afghan cave dwellers.

We are moving as soon as we fucking can. I havent ever and will not dare to darken their door, id rather die - just incase i go in for an ingrown toenail and come out with no testicles or something similar. I just hope something happens for my lady soon, as we are really fucking scared b3ta. Ive cried a fucking lot. and for the first time in my life, im not afraid to admit that in public.

Sorry for length.
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 4:32, 6 replies)

Childhood Games

When I was a kid, 11 years old, I was playing in a derelict house with some mates. The game was Storm The House. Two of my mates were inside chucking bricks and three of us were trying to storm the house.

Me, being an idiot, played the hero and rushed forward holding an old bin-lid as a shield. A couple of bricks bounced off it but I made it into the house safely. All I had to do now was make it up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs, a guy called John started rolling slabs of concrete, with rubble embedded in it, down the stairs so I had to retreat round the corner. More concrete continued to bounce down the stairs and then... Silence. He was out of ammo!

So I cautiously stuck my head around the corner and.....

Woke up in an ambulance. And my head really fucking hurt. Turned out I'd stuck my head around the corner just as a huge lump of concrete was spinning it's way down and copped it full in the face.

The ambulance got me to hospital and dumped me in a cubicle. The doctors cleaned up my face and asked me what happened.

"I fell down I" lied not wanting to get my mates in trouble.

As it was a simple fall, the doctors didn't x-ray me and simply sewed up the gash in my face under my left eye. No x-ray meant that they missed the broken cheekbone and the hairline fracture that leads from it up the side of my skull. So, these days I have a noticeable scar under my eye and, if you put your finger on the scar and press, you can feel where the bone hasn't set properly and one bit is overlapping the other. You can also still trace the fracture up the side of my head.

Still, I'd survived another childhood mishap and was sent home.

The guy who'd hit me, John, was holed up in Church praying that I'd make it and I later found out that it was him who'd carried me out to wait for the ambulance. When he was carrying me he was crying his eyes out and blubbering :

"If he's dead, don't tell his mother it was me....."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 3:24, Reply)

i dont have many bad things to say about hospitals ... but taxi drivers
my house mate tore a tendon playing football. we elevated his leg but after an hour, it had turned purple and swollen up like a balloon.

so we called a taxi for the hospital. 10 minutes they said.

half an hour later, we rang back. it turned out that the taxi driver had gone to the bottom of the drive but gone off when no one was waiting there.

"isn't the fact we wanted to go to the hospital a clue?"

the hospital was on the next road. the only possible reason we could be asking for a taxi is if the person in question is completely incapable of walking.
(ladyintheradiator, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 2:16, 1 reply)

Last November
the shite bag company who have just made me redundant put me in hospital. A large box fell off a shelf and hit me on the back of the neck and my shoulder, fuck me it hurt and as soon as I had filed the paper work, the Manager took me to hospital and dumped me there.

The first thing they did was fit me with a neck brace and the kindly Triage Nurse, tried not to laugh as I made disparaging comments. Twenty minutes later I was being seen by a junior Doctor when she pressed a small bulge on the nape of my neck. I squeaked and was promptly strapped to the bed with a suspected broken neck. By this stage I was close to freaked out and rather alarmed, a broken neck would put an end to my climbing and motorcycling for a while.

Anyway, I was rushed to X-Ray and the zapped me enough to make me glow in the dark (if organic material did actually glow) before sending me back to the A+E. I was left strapped to a bed in a cubical waiting for my results to be discussed with me. In the very next cubical was a tragic case and although I never met this man, I want to thank him for making my day.

Mr Tragic had fallen from his bicycle and hurt himself, this alone is not very funny, I have done this and been rushed in with internal bleeding. Bike crashes can be serious. However, said man was not mountain biking, he was not road racing, he was just "riding along" when he fell off.

He had some cuts and bruises, but none of these were why he had been rushed to hospital. The reason for his entry into the hospital became apparent rather quickly. His handle bar did not have caps in the end and in the fall the rough end had come into contact with a part of his body and cut a 7/8 inch hole into said body part.

I was still strapped to my bed, the junior Doctor came back they discussed my case with the rather loud Doctor who was training them. Neck bruised not broken, sprained and probably going to hurt for a long time. They then started to discuss Mr Tragic and the 7/8 inch hole through his scrotum...

I swear to you dear B3ta, I tried so hard to stifle that laugh, I truly did. I could feel the hate coming through the wall. My lovely wifey came to keep me company and we giggled like a couple of school girls.

Finally I was released from my confinement, I was unstrapped and let back up and boy oh boy, did I feel woozy. I was also hurting like a bitch that had had a heavy box dropped on her neck, so the kindly Junior Doctor went and got me a couple of painkillers. As she returned and advised me of care I would need to take, I placed the pain killers in my mouth and reached for the small cup of water she had brought with them.

At that point the loud Doctor exclaimed that he had no idea how to sort out a hole right through some ones scrotum, My painkillers got lodged in my nose, the water got spat on the Doctor and I utterly failed to suppress a laugh. All of the Doctors present gave me a long cold dirty look. I managed to swallow my pills and got the fuck out of there.

The Doctors who treated me were amazing, Dr Loud may have been very loud, but he argued the toss with a belligerent and tired X-Ray tech that I needed more X-Rays due to a line on my X-Ray that could have been a broken neck. However what truly warmed him to me was the Case of the Holy Scrotum, I swear that made me get better there and then.

As for Mr Tragic, who ever you were, I truly hope that your scrotum healed and you did not end up with a permanent hole right through the middle.

Sorry about the length, but it did have a hole in it!
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 2:01, 1 reply)

NHS?
Big load of shite! I don't even like Ice Hockey
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 1:31, Reply)

BRILLIANT nurses
A few years back, I was hospitalised with Hep B for a little while. I have to say the nurses (including my wonderful ex) were bloody brilliant and really kept me going during that time. When I was finally discharged, I gave them a box of chocolates to say thanks. It still pains me to hear people slagging off the NHS. We're bloody lucky and don't you forget it.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 1:08, Reply)

I imagine this will probably go against the grain of the thread...
but I have been a routine customer of the NHS for the last 10 or so years, since I was 15.

Just want to say thanks to all of you, and sorry if I was ever narky or sarcastic, it was the pain speaking, I really do appreciate your help. This thread will probably have a lot of NHS slagging (and in some cases, rightly so), but you aren't all tarred with the same brush, at least not by all of us.

Keep up the good work.
(Lannes, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 0:22, 2 replies)

NHS - a thankyou to our saviours.
As someone who has spent the last 12 months of her life in and out of hospital with serious illness i have this to say -

NHS, without you id be dead. Without you my partner would be dead... bless you, bless every doctor,nurse,cleaner, cook for making my stay pleasent, relaxing and as pain free as you could. Thankyou for you after care and your continued concern for my well being, thankyou for the continued treatment i will recieve for the rest of my life, treatment administered with dignity, understanding and patience.

Thankyou for saving my partner when he was diagnosed with cancer. This week he left hospital, hopefully for the last time for the rest of his life. You saved his life and i am eternally grateful to you. You've kept his spirits high, been on the ball to every treatment and infection, pleasent, helpful, sensitive to both our needs. Youve even let me stay a few days at a time by his bedside when times where bad.

If anyone deserves pay rises and better treatment in this country it is you NHS, you work tirelessly for us, you save our lives day in day out. You deserve so much more than the abuse the countries media dishes out to you. This girl will always sing your praises.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Fri 12 Mar 2010, 0:19, Reply)

Basturd dentists & painful surgeries...
Last year I was around a friends for a BBQ discussing the finer parts of something we'd seen on Tv with (several) glasses of vodka when I felt something in my jaw go "pop", thinking nothing of it we then had another bottle (and several more after that) of vodka and got completely stonkered.

However, waking up the next morning and feeling like someone has opened the portal to Hades in one of your teeth is not an enjoyable sensation. Que lots, and lots and LOTS of ice packs and drugs... Fast forward two days later and my flatmates bundle me into a taxi making it clear that drawing blood from clenching your teeth together (trapping cheek & gum!) is not healthy and I get on some lovely, lovely co-codamol...

Booked an appointment with my dentist, got an emergency appointment as exam shows that I have a particularly nasty infection in my upper molar, they said we can do it quickly but painfully or slowly but will cost more. So? Quick and painful!

Dear fucking Christ was a mistake that was.

I never realised that when the rear molars were decayed, as mine were, they go as soft as toffee. I never realised that although soft as toffee molars still require some manevouring to get them out.

I also never bloody realised that without proper painkillers due to the co-codamol I'd been freely taking I'd be able to feel every erg of pain as she broke my tooth into two with a great big fuck off mallet (well, tiny one in hindsight...) and THEN position herself to pull them out. Not just by the side of me no...

First side comes out ok due to the decay, however the second? The second part gets stuck... Which means I then get this crazy dentist straddling me, putting one knee on my chest and manually rotating this fucking molar out! Just imagine trying to rotate a rubix cube with a blasted pair of plyers...

I swear, at this point I was sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market. Panicking doesn't even come close to the sensation I was feeling and I actually lost half a nail on the side of the chair when she jerked out the molar with a flourish (and a small jet of blood!) and proceeded to show me the blood soaked remains while I cower in fear of this crazy women who has left bruises on my sternum where the force of her knee has pressed into me.

The next two days were a complete and utter daze as I take virtually every and any drug I can to dull the pain of that memory cowering in the torture chair... To top it off the antibotics mixed with the morphine I had been prescribed turned a very painful (and significant birthday, my 25th!) into a time of pure bliss as liquid light flooded my limbs...

Dentists, might be a requirement but fuck me. I hate them at times.
(Helo, Fri 12 Mar 2010, 0:17, 2 replies)