Bitch
When I took my now ex-girlfriend home for the first time (I was 16), my mother and her cousin took it upon themselves to make her feel most uncomfortable but in a humorous way.

Giving the poor girl twenty questions, mam asks "Where are your parents from?". Girlfriend replies "dad from South Wales, mam from Liverpool". My mother asks "so no Scottish then?" to which the reply was no. "Never mind", says my mam, "Dafydd's half-Scottish, I'm sure you'll have some in you one day". HAHA.

My mam's cousin had brought her mad, mad little Stafforshire Bull Terrier around, as she often does. As the whole family and my girlfriend sat in the front sitting room (reserved for Christmas and special guests), the dog lay on the floor. My mam's cousin asked the girlfriend "does that remind you of yourself, on your back with your legs in the air?"

She was absolutely mortified.

They all became and still are, and despite her and I no longer going out, good friends.
(peanut dispenser, Tue 24 May 2005, 11:08, Reply)

Witchbabe Porno
The first time I met my gfs mum was on her younger brothers birthday. Her older brother had just returned from a trip to London and had brought him a 'present'.
We all (me, gf, her 2 brothers and her mum) ended up sitting watching some porno called witchbabe together....
It was odd
(PantsofDoom, Tue 24 May 2005, 11:07, Reply)

I didn't
First year of uni, Started going out with a better than average looking girl, only problem was she was a bit timid.

Anyway, nearing end of year, decided to take a bunch of stuff home early, so messing around with the car, got all oily. Her parents had also arrived this weekend, and where keen to meet the chap that had stolen their daughters innocence. I made my excuses (oily hands) not to meet the parents, and rushed off home. To me not a biggy, but a week later on the last day of term i find my self being dumped.

I went out that night and got absolutly wasted. I didn't pull, but I think I threw up on my shoes.

Sadly no length to apologise for...
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Tue 24 May 2005, 11:02, Reply)

It was her 21st......
I had travelled up to darkest North England. I had spent a fortune on her and was more than a little nervous.

The uncle decided that I was "just about young enough" for her (I was 26). Her mother looked at me with eyes that said "get that thing away from my daughter", and the father.... well, that's the frightening bit. He didn't say a word. He just stood, very meek and quiet and looking, well fightened really. When I looked at him I could see the message he was trying to send me telepathically....

"Don't do it to yourself son. The women in this family break you".

As it turns out she dumped me almost immediately after receiving her present from me.

Bitch.

(Apologies for bitterness.....)
(Thebigfella, Tue 24 May 2005, 10:14, Reply)

Coming Out Of The Closet...
Fourteen years old, after embarking on a long distance relationship with a girl who lived in Birmingham, I went down to stay at hers for the first time. Given youth etc., I was understandably scared of her parents. It didn't help matters that when I'd first met them (on holiday, drunk) I had decided to hide behind a tree and try not to be spotted. It failed. Anyway, arrived to find they were being very welcoming and friendly, and then my young lady led me up to my 'room'. This turned out to be their airing cupboard, and as I burst out of it swearing and laughing in equal measures her mother appeared and asked me what on earth I thought I was doing in a distinctly stern and matriachal tone. As before, I cried with laughter...
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Tue 24 May 2005, 1:53, Reply)

My mother..
.. decided it would be a marvellous time for me and my boyfriend to sit down with my family, and have a proper family meal. Said family meals don't happen often.

.. and due to the fact my brother leaned forward and swung his leg high in the air to release one of the most gut wrenching, nose wrinkling, heart trembling farts I have ever heard in my life, it'll happen even less.
( Pineapplez, Mon 23 May 2005, 23:52, Reply)

Sgt. One-Night-Stand
Got back to a young lady's parents' house with said young lady and a few of her mates. We decide it would be a rather good idea to strip off and get in the jacuzzi (outdoors, in November). Now, anyone with a little sense might realise that attempting to smoke a fag in a jacuzzi is a rather taxing feat; a lessson taught to us only by piles of sopping wet tobacco left all round the place.

Anyway, boned the bird, went to bed, only to discover that she snored and hogged the covers.

Morning came around, I was awoken by a loud bellow outside the bedroom door; it's her ex-army, 6'3 dad. He promptly decided to burst in, with me lying naked and completely uncovered next to his first-born.

Turns out he just wanted us to clean up the mess in the jacuzzi, but I didn't stick around; I managed to lock myself outside the front door (more-or-less dressed luckily), with a very cold, hungover walk home to look forward to.

P.S. I played Diablo 2 when I got home.
( Calqhoon, Mon 23 May 2005, 23:30, Reply)

On meeting a girlfriend's parents for the first time
I was asked by her broad Yorkshire accented ex-quarryman dad:

"'Ere, you're a bloke. What do you do for itchy balls? I've tried everything: TCP, udder cream.." (What the hell is udder cream?)

Not wanting to seem shocked, I simply asked if he'd tried washing them.
( Druid, Mon 23 May 2005, 23:21, Reply)

Not the parents but the grandparents
Some years ago i was invited to meet the then Mrs Triangle's grandparents in Majorca, great thinks i a nice holiday with free accommodation all for spending some time with the old folks. How wrong i was. The Ex Mrs Triangles family were all without a shadow of a doubt cnuts of the highest order. Cue one week of being on holiday and having to return to the house by 4 in the afternoon so we can have dinner and watch tv all night without talking. Her granddad spent the entire holiday insulting me for being a waiter (ok i was a manager for Starbucks at the time which was a but of a wnak job but he was a bloody meat delivery man!) grandma spend most of the week playing mind games and trying to make me out to be some psycho. Eventual the ex gets fed up and suggest we leave and spend the rest of the holiday in a hotel. I make it clear that this is her choice as i don't want blaming for a rift in the family. Within 20 seconds of our departure the grandmother is on the phone to the Ex's Mother bad mouthing me and calling an ungrateful nutter and blaming me for breaking the TV (i still have no idea where this came from).

The irony is that after all the clues (mother and grandmother were both lying psychotic nutters) i still failed to work out that it ran in the family and married the girl. possible the worst decision ever! Still it only lasted two months.

No apologies for length, girth or lack of hummous.
( Rhubarb_Triangle, Mon 23 May 2005, 22:17, Reply)

please note it's correct spelling
Is that eyeronick?

The first time I met my ex's mummy and daddy, they had come to visit her on campus at uni. They insisted on taking us both to a local restaurant.

I was hungover most mornings that year, but this one was particularly bad. Que me sitting there in near-silence for an hour picking at the meal they'd bought me, just feeling iller and iller. Nightmare. I managed to keep it down, but my copy book was blotted forever. With alcohol.

They took to me eventually, but not before Mrs. Ex asked her lovely daughter, "Have you spoken to Ben about his drink problem?" Priceless.

Private Schoolgirls. Just say no, guys. It ends in tears. (Yes, generally hers.)
(unholysmoke, Mon 23 May 2005, 22:04, Reply)

Memories from the late 70s.
Parents, very middle class and victorian in their morals. Always liked to meet whoever I was going out with.
One Boxing Day evening new b/f came round to take me out. Shook hands with my Dad and said "Happy Christmas Mr Blake."*
Dad replies "That was yesterday."
B/f then shakes hands with my Grandad, who felt it necessary to exclaim "Cor, you've got sweaty hands".
Surprisingly a few nights later new b/f came round to take me out again. We went into the sitting room, where my parents were reading, to say we were off out.
Mum looks up from her book and says, "Oh! Before you go, do you know what 'frigging' means?"!

(* name may be a lie)
( C-Bean on, Mon 23 May 2005, 21:11, Reply)

First girlfriend I ever brought home...
I didn't really trust her to make a good impression on my parents, so I introduced her and then we ran upstairs and spent the next few hours in my room. Then smuggled her out when her parents arrived, who had the nouse to call her mobile and not the doorbell.

Don't worry ladies, I'm better than that now. Still miss her sometimes though.

ATTENTION EVERYONE! If you must use the word 'cue' to signal the next turn of events, please note it's correct spelling, not 'queue', which means stand in line (or indeed the line itself), or even 'que', which only exists in French and Spanish.

Thank you. And don't do it again.
(Mr_Jums, Mon 23 May 2005, 18:59, Reply)

A montage of terror
- Met an Ex's scary and very protective father praying he wouldn't notice that she had a large grass stain on her back, half a shrubbery in her hair and a rather flustered yet satified look on her face.
- When she met my parents it was at my 18th, she met the whole extended family including one uncle who commented on her cracking 32EE cleavage rather loudly, cue her going a beautiful shade of red and going to find a different top.

- The next Ex's parents were truely wonderful people very low on the terror index, until I 'met' them for a second time (after she became an ex) despite the fact that I was an utter bastard they still seemed to love me and seem to look forward to seeing me again. Should I be scared?

I'd apologise for length but I'm not that coinciderate
(lankymike, Mon 23 May 2005, 18:46, Reply)

not parents, but grandparents
I was living in Seattle with a tasty lady whose grandparents lived in Vegas. She took me down there for a week to meet them and abuse their hospitality whilst checking out the town.

On the first night there, her grandparents had a dinner party with about 15 or so guests.

I was outside (a bit squiffy after a few glasses of wine) having a fag. Upon finishing, i turned to enter the house through the patio doors, but failed to notice the screen door before jumping directly through it, taking it off it's hinges in the process.

As i lay on their living room floor, peeling my face off the now horizontal metal grid, i could hear the entire room fall totally silent except for one voice to peep up "it's that english boy"

Her grandad had to go and buy a new one the following day. Did i offer to pay? did i fuck. I chose to show my remorse by shagging their grand daughter on the floor of almost every room in the house.

and she gave me a blow job in their cadillac.
( biscuits_alive taste my rainbow, Mon 23 May 2005, 18:30, Reply)

I couldnt even make this up!
Current lady stays over after we had a house party. Woke up the next morning, all the power gone in the flat. Dad comes over to fix it (having not met her). Turned out the plug socket next to my bed had taken "a beating" and blown the fuse in the flat. I dont know if she was more embarrased or he was proud :)
(8cidburn, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:27, Reply)

"Head wounds just do that"
Okay, my stepdaughter's 13, so he's not really a boyfriend (better not be! And there better not be any shagging stories!).

This was just Saturday. I went to pick up 13 and her friend at the art fair on the court house square. 13, her friend and a boy on rollerblades are dutifully waiting for me at the assigned location (she's such a good girl).

13 and her friend get into the car and rollerblades speeds off. Much discussion of "how fine" rollerblades is, such a sweetheart and CUTE! Traffic is horrible, with much waiting. Rollerblades rolls by, flirts with the girls a second, and since we're stopped in line, he zipps right in front of me and gets smacked by an oncoming car.

She didn't hit him very hard, but his momentum flipped him into the air and headfirst onto the curb. My first words to my step's bf: "You're okay, buddy. Don't worry about all the blood. Head wounds just do that"

He's going to be fine, just needs some sticthes.

All the girls could say: "He was so cute, but now he's going to have a big scar on his head! How sad!"

Girls
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:25, Reply)

Psycho ex meets folks
Ex is invited over for dinner, now parents have a rather large house. Que ex asking mom very casually.. "does he get the house when you die?" money grabbing bitch..
(8cidburn, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:22, Reply)

Dutch Surprise
I'd been seeing this dutch girl for a few weeks. She was a bit of a nutter, but a total nympho, so I endured the odd behaviour. I had been living in a tiny village in Belgium just over the border from Holland for about 3 months. One day, she's over at my place and her parents drive up surprising us. They are clearly very upset and are yelling at us, mostly me, in Dutch, of which I understood maybe 10%. They drag her off and I never see any of them again.
(nordicapollo, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:21, Reply)

Dutch Surprise
I'd been seeing this dutch girl for a few weeks. She was a bit of a nutter, but a total nympho, so I endured the odd behaviour. I had been living in a tiny village in Belgium just over the border from Holland for about 3 months. One day, she's over at my place and her parents drive up surprising us. They are clearly very upset and are yelling at us, mostly me in Dutch, of which I understood maybe 10%. They drag her off and I never see any of them again.
(nordicapollo, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:20, Reply)

keeping it in the family...
Just after going through the post-coming out 'shag anything that moves' phase, I started seeing this lad fairly regularly. His parents were away one night, getting back the next morning, so i went over. No worries, we were both out, his parents were fine with it.

After a very pleasant evening, next morning his parents arrive, his mum was lovely, we chatted for ages about this and that. "X's dad will be in in a minute, he's just unpacking the car". So he walks in, and he fumbles the camping stuff he's loaded with. It did look awkward to carry, but might have been more to do with the fact I'd shagged him about 3 months previously after chatting to him for all of 5 minutes on gaydar.

And he was waaaay dirtier than his son.
(jeed, Mon 23 May 2005, 17:03, Reply)

Chiahuahua Ai Ai Ai!!
Went round to my new g/f's place for dinner with folks. Dad offers me a beer, Mum politely questioning me about my education and where I live - this house had to be seen to be believed, her father was a major canned food supplier and the house had three wings. Beer goes through me quicker than a Porsche so asked where the toilet was.....could not find this toilet for the life of me....found a nice bathroom, so busting for a leak, I climbed up on the vanity unit and started pissing in the basin....the whole thing came away from the wall, cue father running upstairs to find me with my pants around my ankles....luckily saw the funny side, until I kicked a door shut later in the evening and squashed their dog - aforementioned chiahuahua and broke two of its ribs!
(essbeenz there done that, Mon 23 May 2005, 16:57, Reply)

dating a Chinese girl
In university I started dating a girl from Hong Kong. My mom's one of those types who gets all excited whenever she meets anyone of colour, like she thinks she has to act extra nice just so she's not racist.

Anyway, while she was driving us both home, she was stuck behind a slow-moving car on the freeway. So she grumbled "I bet it's one of those Chinese women drivers."

On the bright side, it was a Chinese woman driving the car.

And the first time that girl met my mom's ex-boyfriend, she said in a perfect British accent "Nice to meet you." He exclaimed "She speaks English!" Not sure in which way I want to take that one.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Mon 23 May 2005, 16:55, Reply)

ok then, my one
Had been seeing my (now ex) bf for a few weeks, his parents had started asking him when they got to meet me, so a time and date was set.

Then his mum's sister died.

The first time I met his parents, I also met his entire family and social circle, at the crematorium after an emotional service. Understandably, people weren't very chatty, but they seemed nice enough. I stayed half-hidden behind him the whole time.

Until we went to the wake. It was being held in one of the other sister's houses, nibbles and wine, that sort of thing. Many many people crammed into one average-sized living room.
Then all the "menfolk" get up to leave to the pub. I demand to ex-MrFlurble to go too, he refuses, leaving me with all his female relatives that I've only just met.

First hour was just awkward, then the drink kicked in and everyone started chatting. A few hours later we reached the point-of-too-much-drink, and much crying over the loss of their darling sister.

Nightmare eventually ended when the ex came back from the pub, and I dragged him home.

F x
(I apologise for his length, although he never did)
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Mon 23 May 2005, 16:29, Reply)

Not me, but...
...my parents meeting my brother's girlfriend's parents.

Lil bro had been drooling all over the lovely lass for several months, and she'd been to my parents quite a few times. Things are starting to get serious, so my Mum invites her parents over for sunday dinner.

My mum is a fantastic cook, and very considerate, so she asked if there was anything that the parents didn't like to eat. The lass replied in the negative, and agreed to pass on the invite to her own mum 'n' dad.

The day of the meal, my mum having been preparing dish after delicious dish all weekend, my dad calls up the parents to check everything is still on, directions to the house etc. All seems to be fine. As a parting shot, he asks again if there is anything they don't eat.

"Well, Ruth's mum is celiac."

For those that don't know, that's a gluton-intolerant food allergy. Can you imagine how many things have gluton in them?

Cue much panic.

Ah, it was fun in the end, and there were plenty of leftovers. Turns out her family is as mad as mine.

Wedding is this autumn :o)

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Mon 23 May 2005, 16:11, Reply)

My Parents
My mum (now passed away bless her) was 7 years older than my Dad. Got on great with my Dads Uncle and his wife because his Uncle was my Mums boss! However when it came time for her to meet my Dads other Aunt(his granparents had 8 kids) who was the same age as my mum, she complained because she was too old for my Dad. Bit rich considering that her own husband was 5 years older than her. However they became good friends after. However I still hate the self rightous bitch.
(purplefairy, Mon 23 May 2005, 16:09, Reply)

Met the Parents (Ex girlfriend)
Spose it could have gone much worse..
I'd met this girl a week earlier we'd been getting along just fine.
We went to a local club and had a cracking time till 3am-ish when we got a taxi back to hers.
She only lives 5 minutes from mine so I thought we'll go back to hers for a brew and then I'll head off..
Anyway we have the brew and she's seriously up for it. To the point where she's ready for getting jiggy on the couch.
Her Mum, Dad and Brother are all asleep upstairs and her Dad is a copper.
Anyway we are going at it having a cracking time on the leather sofa, when we here a noise on the stairs! Sh1t! We jumped up re-dressed very quickly and her mum walked in.. I introduced myself being the polite young man I am.
No doubt her mum could smell the lovely aroma of sexwee and moist minge.
She proceeded to sit with us (I think she didn't want to leave us alone) till 6am when I decided to go home as I had to be at work at 8am.

Still I got on quite well with them for about 2 months before we split.
(Capt_Carl, Mon 23 May 2005, 15:44, Reply)

The First Meeting
When the Mrs Hoogie eventually asked me to meet her parents I reluctantly said "yes"

So off I went - Opened the door and they were sat there.
"Hello" said her Mum
"Hello" I said back

then her father said

"Do you take drugs or inject?"
"No I said"
"In that case I'll let you in"
"Thanks" I replied

later that night when I passed him in the corridor he said

"fucking liar"

were still together 14 years on



(EDIT - I dont inject!")
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Mon 23 May 2005, 15:34, Reply)

When m'lady met m'mum
First time I took the current Mrs Sleary to meet my Mum, we'd been in the door two minutes before Mum decided that my teeth were dirty and started scrubbing them with a tea-towel and salt.
I hadn't even introduced my young lady by this point.
Later on, after lunch, my lady was sat on the sofa drinking tea with the cat on her lap. The dog barked, the cat jumped, the tea went up the wall.
We've been married five years.
(Sleary, Mon 23 May 2005, 15:23, Reply)

the future Mrs Magictorch
met my parents - all was well.

i met her parents - all was well.

But, the bit where my ma and pa meet her ma, her pa and the scheming secretary that stole her pa from her real ma might be a little stickier.

seating plan for wedding? dear god.
(magictorch, Mon 23 May 2005, 15:19, Reply)

Welcome Home
Met a mad woman called Kirsten at uni, she introduced me to her parents. Her father broke my nose because he thought I was the one who had got her up the duff and forced her to have an abortion. Never really lasted, she started pouring hot tea and coffee over herself. Bloody nutter.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Mon 23 May 2005, 14:57, Reply)