the first time i met my ex's parents...
My ex and I started going out in dodgy circumstances; we were both still seeing the previous partners (me seeing my ex boy insofaras, not dumping him till his exams finished, so that he wouldn't get all upset and not pass them). We were on holiday from uni and the new guy lived about a 4hr train ride north from me, so when I visited him I had to stay at his house to make it worthwhile going.

Met his mum, she seemed to like me a lot, spent the day wandering around the house and getting to know his mum a bit better (his dad was at work, not dead or anything). All going really well until he said something rude to me and left me in the kitchen with his mother, who gave me a look that said "are you going to take that from him?!"

I just turned round and completely dead pan said "it's okay, I've got another boyfriend anyway."

Cue silence, and me slapping my hand over my mouth while his mum bursts out laughing (thank god).

But I wasn't invited back to the house after that... and we were going out for a year.

Should have cottoned on though, the bastard was cheating on me with all manner of hussies for the last three months. :(
(corruptia, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Birds
I walked into the front room, a little nervous. We were exchanging pleasantries when my father-in-law to be reached down the side of his armchair and picked up a microphone.

Placing it to his lips, he shouted 'Boo!', replaced the microphone and continued talking as if nothing happened.

I must have looked a little scared, because it was then explained to me that they had wired up a speaker outside next to the bird table so he could scare off larger birds (thus allowing smaller ones to eat) without having to get up and tap on the window.

After that inital shock, everything went swimmingly and he really is very nice. But quite a few things were running through my mind at the time (one of them being: RUN).
(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Clapper
Brian Blessed?

Worst prospetive dad-in-law?

Are you quite mad? He'd be a fantastic bloke to have in the family! All the booming, shouting and general Blessed-ness on tap.
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:43, Reply)

I had just come off heroine
And I pulled this stunner at a nightclub in Edinburgh. Back to her's and everything was going great. After we had (some amazing) sex she kicked me out of her room to sleep on the couch which I thought was a bit much. Nevermind though eh?

So the next morning I was having breakfast with another couple who lived in the house and they're asking me how I know Diane (girl I pulled). Said she was a friend of a friend. I asked them, "So you're Diane's flatmates?"

"Flatmates? I'll have to remember that one."

I was a little confused for a second. Then she appeared in her school uniform. Turns out she was only 15 and the couple were her parents.

Phew. I had to keep on sleeping with her though because she threatened to grass me up to the police if I didn't.

Apologies to Irvine Welsh.
( djtrialprice, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:27, Reply)

Not parents but grandparents....

My current ex-girlfriend and I were going to visit my grandmother as she had just got out of hospital, and it was a good excuse to go round there for the first time as I was getting complaints from my mother that I hadn't taken her to meet the 'rest of the family'. It had only been two years, for christs sake.

Anyway, I phoned ahead and told them we were on our way. So imagine my surprise when I we walked in on my grandfather sitting in his armchair in his y-fronts watching a video of one of those dutch soft-porn gameshows. At three in the afternoon.

I never took her there again! Come to think of it, I haven't been back there since, either...
(The Former Peoples Champion, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:27, Reply)

What a mare
.......so I'm a horse and I was once punched in the face.......etc, etc.

Sorry (grins)
RW
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:24, Reply)

Worst prospective dad
A friend of a friend met a nice posh new lady, and was invited round to the estate for a weekend to meet the parents. The parents were having a garden party- the mother was there but the father was away on business and was due to arrive the next day.

The friend, in need of water early the next morning, found his way down to the kitchen, there to be confronted by none other than BRIAN BLESSED who stopped, stared, and boomed 'ARE YOU THE YOUNG MAN WHO'S SHAGGING MY DAUGHTER?!'

Enough to drive any young man to paranoid celibacy.

(apparently he was quite a nice chap once he stopped trying to act like Brian Blessed)
(clapper, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:20, Reply)

meet the landlord

A slightly deviation here (from the question and for at least one of the characters) but my story involves meeting the landlord.

Going home drunk with a new girlfriend (horsey Sevenoaks set) I left her in her bedroom while I popped down the corridor to use the toilet.

On return I opened the door of her now darkened room, tiptoed across the carpet and slipped into her bed. It was only when I draped a seductive arm across her broad, hairy shoulders that I realised my fatal error. A voice that could only have belonged to Mr Humphries from Are You Being Served whispered "I can't be completely sure, sweetheart, but i think you might have the wrong room!".
"Jesus!" I said, "I'm so sorry.."
"Don't worry about it darling" he replied, "you're the third one this month".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:06, Reply)

In a similar vein to Young Master Ploppy's saga, went to meet the parents
Girlfriend was Italian. Went out for a meal in Verona. Thought I'd impress with my sub-100 word Italian vocabulary and ask for the bill - "condo". Apparently what I said sounded more like "colo" so I in fact asked the waiter for his arse.
(Garnett, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:05, Reply)

when....
I met the parents of my 'first real boyfriend' I went out with him, his mother, sister and two brothers. His youngest brother was 6 at the time and needed the toilet, I knew where it was so I said I would walk him. I jokingly started chasing him, resulting in him slicing his hand open and us spending 3 hours in casualty in Stevenage. Great first impression...
(fishforkbuggery, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:04, Reply)

not the first time I'd met them, but...
I'd been to Brighton for a work thing (Brighton Comedy Festival) and ended up getting twatted. Got on the train back to london and fell asleep (this is about 17:30). Wake up halfway back to Brighton and a bit confused. Jumped off the train and got a connection to my g/fs parent's place (where she was staying for the weekend). Still pretty aardvarked.

Got there to discover a half eaten pizza with my name on it and promptly devoured it with all the style of a frog eating a rather large bumblebee. Made some lewd comments. Was generally leary. Then went to bed. Pizza starts stirring, so I have to run to the toilet. Starkers. Fall asleep curled around the toilet bowl. About half an hour later my g/f comes to see where I am. When she gets no response, she starts hammering on the door. Her mum wakes up and comes to see what the commotion is. G/f assures her that everything is ok.

She goes back to bed and at the precise moment that she disappears from sight I open the door - still completely starkers with drool spilling from my mouth. Not a pretty sight.

That was a close one.

Length? Apologies? Not on your Nelly.
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 20 May 2005, 14:04, Reply)

Hello dad
My Grandad re-married a lovely lady several decades his junior. When he met her parents for the first time he walked up to her father, who was the same age as him, and said 'hello dad'.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:57, Reply)

Manustupration - it never gets old
I once got sprung using water from our bathtaps for nefarious purposes by my mother, who clipped me around the earhole and hissed "If you MUST masturbate, at LEAST use your FINGERS". My parents are now honour-bound to tell every man I ever go out with about this incident. That and the one where I got blind drunk and sailed into the house without actually supporting my own weight, banging on about four windows before finding an open door to get in.

Well, that's MY excuse for having been single for five years, what's yours?
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:55, Reply)

mad
It's never easy to sit down to dinner with a g/f parents especially if her mum is schizophrenic. Most of the meal was spent trying to ignore the strange moaning sounds or prevent her from walking round the room backwards. Climax was finally reached when she tried to convince us that she had invented a new colour.

I was also alarmed to discover that upon meeting my mum the g/f had convinced her that I was a heavy heroin user. I'm not sure which annoyed me the most the g/f's twisted mind or the fact that my mum believed her.
(ghetto soldier, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:47, Reply)

If only I'd forgotten the punchline......
The first time I met my gf parents, we had a cracking piss up, got absolutely ratted then started telling jokes. They were getting progressively nearer the knuckle so I thought it safe to tell her Dad my favourite (the one: "Did you hear the one about the SS Commandant?" then as they say "NO" you slap them around the head and shout "Liar" in your best Jerry accent), firstly I kncoked her Dad off his seat, secondly I had completely forgotten that they were Jewish.....I have not been invited round since.
(ray bentos, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Umbrella ninjitsu in the living room
was probably a bad idea. Cue smashed chandelier and rather sheepish me standing under it with my mighty golf umbrella, and they just keep staring...
( Kallus speaks for the Spores, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:17, Reply)

Some People
I got the flick a few days after first having met the ex's parents for dinner. Apparently I had made them feel 'uncomfortable' when I started wanking over her mums tits during desert. Honestly!
(myohmy, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:09, Reply)

INDIAN!
My folks being from the Seychelles decided it would be a GREAT idea to invite my Scottish boyfriend and I out for a curry somewhere local. 'Great idea' I thought, as I knew he loved hot food. I think my folks thought it would be funny to watch a white man turn purple whilst eating a curry. So, we are all sat there, folks, two much younger sisters and us two.

Anyway, halfway through the meal, all is going spendidly. My step-father turns to me and says 'Hey Trampy, are you not eating red meat? The lamb curry is lovely!'

Just as I am about to tell him that I am going through a chicken obsession my boyfriend grabs my leg and pipes up 'Oh no Mr Trampy, your daughters LOVES white meat, don't you babe?! Well she never complains about mine anyhow!'... Complete with wiggly eyebrows and a 'nyuk nyuk' laugh.

I could have just DISSOLVED on the spot.

Disturbingly enough, the folks thought it was hilarious. To add further insult, for the rest of thr meal the 11 year old sister keeps saying 'I don't get it. Why is 'white meat' so funny?'
(LadyIsATramp, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:08, Reply)

Scary inlaws
My girlfriend's dad is works for a forestry body, and one of his duties is to cull deer. Obviously to achieve this he has a gun licence and somewhere in his house he keeps at least 2 guns.

The first morning I came downstairs after spending a night in his house he had one of these guns out on the living room floor, cleaning it. It was pointed directly at the sofa I was sitting on. I sat there eating my breakfast in silent fear just waiting to hear that telltale click slot sound, and that dreaded "so what are you intentions towards my daughter" question.
(KidMoe, Fri 20 May 2005, 13:02, Reply)

I don't know, you try to impress, and look what happens....
My (Chinese) GF had been teaching me Cantonese, and I'd thought I was doing SO well.... So when we met her parents for dim sum, I thought I'd compliment her mum's new perfume, and proudly said "Lei hyung!" - meaning, loosely, "you smell nice" - and felt very chuffed with myself.

...unfortunately, Cantonese can be a right bugger to pronounce properly, and what actually came out was more like "lei hai yeung" - which apparently means "you cunt face".

...oops....
( Young Master Ploppy, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:48, Reply)

I can smell wee
My first proper boyfriend when I was 14 - we got together whilst slow dancing to Bryan Adam's at the school disco (show's my age).

His Mum wasn't in when I went round the first few times (his Dad had legged it years ago). So off we went to his bedroom and spent hours snogging (occasionally with tongues!).

Anyway, after about a month, we came downstairs following a mammoth session (I think he had a squeeze at my boob through my t-shirt). There was a faint smell of urine downstairs . He tries to get me to leave by the back door but I insist on having a look for the source. Go to front door, find his Mum collapsed on the floor stinking of piss and tramp fuel. Turns out his Mum was the local bag lady.

I didn't dump him straight away because I was in love. Then he told me thought my best mate was pretty so I had a crying fit and told him I didn't love him anymore.

And then I told everyone at school about his Mum (does that make me a bad person?)
(colamonster, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Oh Dear
First time I met a boyfriend's parents, I was a bit nervous and so had a few 'snifters' of vodka to calm me down. We'd gone for dinner, and when I get nervous I have no appetite, so I thought the vodka would make me eat and stop me appearing rude. Yeah right.

Unfortunately, by the time I got there I'd lost all sense of myself and had somehow lost the ability to use cutlery. The main course was a pretty tough piece of pork, and no matter what I did I couldn't cut the bastard thing. I tried desperately to pull it apart with my knife and fork, when the knife slipped away, the fork sprang back, and I got a face and a lap full of pork and gravy. Cue amazed/shocked/disgusted stares from every side of the table. Then I threw up, all over myself, my plate, and the table.

Relationship didn't last much longer. But you guessed that, didn't you.
(Funty, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:43, Reply)

Hey Beatpig and Mr M@ - Don't even joke about it...
I went out with this girl for a while and finally had to do the 'parent thing' over Sunday lunch. They were both really friendly and we all had a good time. After dinner the father then asked me to go to a building at the end of his garden, where he said he would show me his 'hobby'.

He unlocked a wall cabintet which contained about 20-25 hand guns! (bear in mind this is in England, not the US). He took a gun out and started cleaning it, while asking me about my 'intentions' towards his only beloved daughter.

I must have passed the test, because he let me go out with his daughter, although every now and again he would say things like: "You'd never hurt her, would you?"

Many years later, (long after we'd gone our seperate ways) I saw a newspaper article about him, he'd gone home early one day and found his wife with her lover, so he got one of his guns, killed the lover and then killed himself.

Bloody True Story! No appologies for length, girth, etc.
.
(SproutsAreEvil, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:37, Reply)

Speaking of Shite..
When I first went round to "meet the parents" i stood in a "dog log" walking to the house.

Tried to get it off but being the sticky bugger that it was I managed to get it all over their carpet.
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:31, Reply)

Shite...
My first meeting with my ex's parents went like this...

Me: Hi, I'm Christopher
Dad: I collect guns.
Me: *Gulp*
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Fri 20 May 2005, 12:26, Reply)

More language barriers.
Ah yes. Ex-boyfriend’s mother. Profoundly deaf and does not understand English. Not a good start? Well it certainly made conversation difficult. Then she starts giving me tat at various points throughout the non-conversation. These included but were not limited to;
* an OLD bottle of shit-green nail varnish and
* a beaded eggcup with a chick in it (it wasn’t Easter).
(Ariaxen, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Doh
Many years ago I somehow managed to land myself a new girlfriend, an utterly gorgeous red haired Irish lass. Christ knows what she saw in me.

Anyhows, did the whole meet-the-parents thing over sunday lunch at their place. Her mother was also great looking, and at one point jokingly said that if she could live her life again she'd work as a high-class call girl.

What I meant to say in response to this was something along the lines of "you are certainly very attractive and look high-class".

What actually came out was "you look the sort".

Cue shocked silence all round, glares so intense I thought my skin would burst into flames, and inevitable dumping by g/f before I'd even left the house.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:15, Reply)

That look in your girlfriends' fathers eyes...
During my chequered romantic history (all over now I'm marrried of course) I'd almost always got along like a house on fire with my various girlfriends' mums, usually by cheekily charming the pants off them like I recently had to their lovely daughter.
But almost without exception every time I'd meet a dad (especially as part of my teenage conquests) they'd fix me with a desperate and pained look that said "you've been fingering my little girl".
They knew there was nothing they could do about it either.

Ha.
( BobbyParadise, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:03, Reply)

An interesting way to meet your bfs parents for the first time...
'hello im sal, nice to meet you... erm ive just been kicked out of my parents house can i stay at yours for a bit please?'

hmmm i was super lucky though i got to stay there a while...
(Salbo_baggins, Fri 20 May 2005, 11:51, Reply)