Back in the days when "this woz all fields"...
a mate of mine's family were the first in the street to get one of those new fangled video recorders. This was very new stuff, there wasn't even any video rental shops yet, but his family had a bit of money and were happy to boast to the various Smiths and Joneses around them about their new purchase. Within days of its arrival, my mate discovered that his dad had already amassed a whole wardrobeful (I kid you not, it filled his wardrobe) of hard-core porn before anyone else in the street even had a player. Well needless to say, we saw no need for school any more and got all our education from that machine.
( wibblywobbly - helping ugly people get laid since 1982, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 23:05, Reply)

messy porn
Back when I was just a nipper...

All the lads were gathered round for an historic evening of watching our first ever porno movie. Unfortunately, our host (lets call him 'Bob' because thats his name) has forgotten that his Mum is due home.

She walks through the door and the TV remote flicks over to BBC just in time to stop her walking in on the porno viewing.

Bob's Mum goes off to make everyone cups of tea and the porn reappears.

Mum comes back with the tea and the TV returns to normal healthy viewing.

Unfortunately, when Mum hands round the cups of tea Bob stretches his hand out from underneath his blanket to take the cuppa... shame he's got a bit carried away under there and has jizz dripping off his fingers.

Good of Bob's Mum to pretend not to notice though.
(timewasterboy now with added wastage, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 21:17, Reply)

A friend of a friend
made an entire E180 videotape from the Adult Channel 5 minute freeviews. Fair enough, if you want to see lots of cold 40 something ladies posing in the British countryside.
(rogerzilla, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 20:58, Reply)

Back when the current Mr Quar was merely 'Mummy's nice friend',
he kindly taped a fillum for the kids and sent it over.

The kids - a mid-teen lad and a young teen girl - settled down to watch it and I got on with mothery things.

However, Mummy's Nice Friend had the adult channels and the tape consisted of a couple of hours of that, rather than Rollerball or whatever they were expecting.

Dunno if he'd forgotten to set the video, or punched in the wrong channel, or just picked up the wrong tape. But I was scandalised, the kids were highly amused, and Mummy's Friend's reputation was set in stone as a sport.

It may not have been their first experience of porn, but it was certainly the first time I caught them with it!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 20:31, Reply)

thanks to the internet, I am bored of sex
However, I now cant have sex unless its like this.

Blow Job - 5-10mins
Cunnilingus - 5-10secs
Missionary
Doggy
Blow Job - 1 min
Doggy/Mish
Cowgirl
Reverse cowgirl
Interruption by flat mate/"uncle"
DP
Just Anal
Spit Roast.
Missionary/Blowjob - rotation at increasing regularity.
Some very strange position where she is upside down and I have to point knob downwards for penetration.
Alternate between No.1 & No.2
Verbal requests to come on face.
Jizz on chin.
Poke knob in mouth a bit.
Clean up.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 19:22, Reply)

At my friend's house, we were asked by a popup "How many cocks can one bitch handle?"
Four, it turns out.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 18:51, Reply)

mmm the joys of internet
I was about eight or nine, and for some reason, just decided to put in 'naked women' on a search engine (dunno which but this was way before google). I was content with myself, but at that age I didn't know how to clear the history...
(alexlightfoot1 has to do toilet on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 18:43, Reply)

Has anyone here considered
that there is such a thing as "too much information"...
( expf, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 17:13, Reply)

NOT 'How My Body Works'
This isn't a story of my own first 'porn' experience, but rather of two good friends of mine.

Years ago, when we were all about 12, we were round at an older friend's house, sitting in his bedroom. The guy pulls out one of those 'How My Body Works' books, notably the one about reproduction. Anyway, he shows the two boys and tells them that if they go into separate rooms and pull on their twangers long enough, they'll 'get this really good feeling'.

We all had a laugh about it, and a few hours later, the my older mate goes to the bathroom to take a piss, not realising that one of the two boys he'd shown the book to had quietly disappeared about 5 minutes earlier. What he didn't expect to find when he opened the bathroom door however, was one of the lad standing there with his knob in his hand looking like he'd seen a ghost. Awkward silence ensued for a moment before the younger boy asked 'Am I doing it wrong?'.

Ahhh, mental scarring. Gotta love it.
(wraithUK, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 16:05, Reply)

Found porn in the gutter
On my way home from school in third grade I found a rather racy Swedish porn magazine called Piff and Paff by the side of the road. It was very graphic and I had lots of fun with it, as I took it home and hid it for everyone...
(PoemReader, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 16:04, Reply)

The temple of ... doom?
Awoke one morning when I was but a wee nipper, excited about watching Indiana Jones which I had taped for me the previous evening.

Upon rewinding the tape and pressing play, expecting to hear that wonderful opening music, all I got was dirty dirty porn.

Seems someone used the VCR after I had... and life was never the same again.
(Rabid, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 14:33, Reply)

My Uncle Tym writes Firkin the Cat for Fiesta,
amongst many other things.
Small children like cartoons.
Young writers are proud of their work.
My mother threw out my father's stash.

My sister wasn't born, so I really was very you ng when I asked my mother why the lady had no clothes on. I still enjoy Firkin though and Tym did send us a shit load of porn when I was in Bosnia, so nothing lost really.
( LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 13:54, Reply)

my first experience of porn...




it was good!



but a quite messy
(sweatytramp, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 13:38, Reply)

The first Mr Quar worked as a bin man
in university holidays, back in the 1980s.
Bin men always had impressive porn collections then, because the stuff would be left out for them, presumably on the orders of the lady of the house.

Sometimes it would be found discreetly bagged up, leaning on the bin.

Other times it was inside, carefully placed to be both protected from the real dirty stuff in there and visible immediately the lid was lifted.

Occasionally it was placed on top of the bin, either in a gesture of defiance by the erstwhile owner or as an attempt at public shame by the missus.

Whatever, the material was always rescued by the grateful binners for later redistribution.

Another great repository of porn is the prison system. There are mucky mags in some nicks, it is rumoured, which go back to the invention of the printing press.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 13:25, Reply)

Basic Instinct
Bloody Hell, they're shagging and everything!
Yes, I was only about 13.
(steadfastmeat Laconic ham, perhaps?, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 12:36, Reply)

I found some German porn
under a Büsch.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 9:05, Reply)

I'm still crying.
Me: Tiny, tiny penis.

First porn: Little French Maid, starring John Holmes.

On the upside, the therapy is going great.
(revjtoad, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 9:03, Reply)

I found some emo porn
but the pages had torn themselves.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 9:01, Reply)

let's get real here people
Porn isn't going to cuddle you afterwards, or have a pet name for you, or care about you.

In short, porn is exactly like a real relationship.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 8:54, Reply)

When we were young...
one of my mates had acquired a VHS copy which contained some lesbian interaction which he got from an acquaintance at his school (who said he found it when he moved into his new house), anyway he was very keen to show it to me. Cue a saturday afternoon when his whole family were out and we sat in the living room and settled down to some lesbians getting jiggy in a field. Each time we heard the faintest sound outside we jumped up pressed pause and quickly changed the channel to some innocent bbc show not wanting to be caught in the act.

Now that the scene is set.

As we were sat there, eyes transfixed upon the delights before us I heard a crunch outside in the drive way. I jumped up to see if anyone was there but found no sign of life. Bearing in mind my mate and his family not being the most safety conscious of people always used to leave their door unlocked, if not wide open. So, thinking nothing of it we happily carry on watching these lesbians rolling round in a field, but I was convinced someone had come in after hearing various creaks on the stairs etc, but my friend just told me to chill and to stop being so paranoid. So, after an hour the tape finished and we retired up stairs satisfied with our findings on lesbianism. When we reached my mates room we discovered that all his cash and a newly bought video camera had disappeared. Shit! Whilst we were downstairs someone had snuck in and bloody stolen all this stuff. My friend not being too happy then called the police. When they finally arrived along with my mate's dad we had to give statements and answer various questions about what had happened.
"So sunny jim, where exactly were you when this all happened?"
Me and my mate looked at each other and all I could think about was those naked lesbians rolling round in that field of wheat.
"We were right here in the living room watching tv" I said.
"Well you must have been watching something very interesting to not notice someone else in the house"
"Yes officer" we both said in unison.

I must say, good job to the burglar for not getting distracted when he heard moaning sounds coming from the front room, that must have taken a lot of courage.
(potters, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 8:03, Reply)

Because I'm such a nerd
I started out with the classics. Fanny Hill, Lady Chatterley's Lover. It was the way I legitimized my interests. I've since made a sort of study out of 18th and 19th century porn, and some of it is pretty interesting. I've written countless school papers on historical porn and will happily discuss it at length with teachers and people my age alike. Porn is such a fascinating indicator of a society's development.

Yeah, don't get me wrong. A lot of it is arousing too.
(echomikeromeo, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 7:59, Reply)

Well not so long ago
About 4 years ago (maybe) me and my brother were allowed 1 mate each over for the hols in spain (i was living there at the time) so i choose my mate, awesome guy named nick.. he was 15 ish at the time (and is my best mate) and my bro about 14 choose his 14 year old mate called henry "fishface" so there we all were in my house... my brother was at boarding school at the time so he was bringing all his stuff back from 9 months in the UK so he opened his trunk and under the piles of clothes we find not 1 or 2 but about 50 softcore mags (stuff like Nuts and FHM) so they thought great and started fwapping away instantly, 1 guy in the bath room and one in my bedroom and one in ma bro's) (i stayed in living room watching TV) so this went on for about 2 weeks before all the mags were to sticky (yes they must have wanked at LEAST 6 times a day EACH!!!) and then it was on to those films we all have got (like the really cheesy ones where yuou see a bit of cleevage for 5 seconds nd you're like OMG i saw a bit of a tit) the particular movie in question was ALI G: In da house... and my god.. that film was on every day till they left on repeat (so about 5 times a day) that 2 hours of fwapping each stint under the duvets everyone was covered with!! only now does it disgust me...(and tbh the scene with tit's is about 2 mins long wiht cheesey music ali g making a male strip in the most unerotic way ever... so it wrecks it... still they had fun)

ohh and my mate wanked into this little metal cup to prove he could make sperm... 5 mins in bathroom and he produce this cup and say,"If u look in the bottom you'll see a white stain..." and alas it was there... we still have that cup.... (it' ornamental)

My first real experience was when i moved back to england after spain and we had broadband for the first time ever... and i was like ohh fast internet.... and then i thought i would look into it more closely.. and then i would sneak out of bed at 1 am to fwap away infront of a laptop for 5 mins... before skulking back off to bed...

ohh and sorry for typos... my english is good.. im just sleepy :P
(My name was taken by me Is Sleeping With Your Sister/ Daughter/ Mother On, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 4:43, Reply)

I've always
put it down to the fact I had a fairly liberal upbringing - I mean, I was never told nudity and sex were dirty, or rather I was told it was a lot of fun. I pretty much always knew how it all worked.

At thirteen, I ended up writing a piss-poor 'erotic' story winding a mate up over something to do with some girl that does not bear repeating here. Most of the material came from a porn obsessed guy I hung around with who used to boast that he borrowed both his brother's stash of (then illegal) hardcore and his "silk lips" toy. I hope he washed it first.

Matey silk lips read the story, said he wanted his own copy for 'personal use'. I did him one, changed the names, charged him a couple of quid. Wants another one next day. Invent more stuff. More cash, easy money, this stuff by anyone's standards was tame, and perversly I was being paid by my muse.

He lived in the next town so got a school bus home. Shows it to another guy, likeminded, who comes to me and I, like a good little grotmonger, pen him some d-grade filth in exchange for lucre. Awful, about as erotic as a spoon but considering none of us had gone beyond the 'theory' stage it didn't have to be. Surprisingly, neither of them seemed to mind the central character being Cliff Richard.

Busboy loved it. So much so that he announced on the bus ride home that he was planning to wank all over it when he got in. In front of the bus monitor. Merchandise gets confiscated, my clients make no attempts to cover my arse, I get busted and suspended from school for two days for creating and distributing obscene material. Featuring Cliff Richard.

That was the only time I got any form of formal disciplinary at school, and is something in which I take a perverse pride.
(cs1ca, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 2:41, Reply)

My first experience of porn ...
was when I was a star when I was 5 years old...

Hull Hull Hull Hull Hull Hull Hull
( Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Sun 28 Jan 2007, 2:38, Reply)

When I was little...
... me and my friend used to steal the bra sections from catalogues and go and look at them in the trees. Very lame. However, one day my mum found out- god knows how, mums have a way though- and we got a severe telling off and explanation that ladies need these items of clothing.

I feel so ashamed that i didnt even get pr0n, just sections from run of the mill catalogues, i was a wimp...
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Sun 28 Jan 2007, 0:37, Reply)

My first experience.
of the 'good stuff' was thanks to my dear old dad. Before this I had made do with the lingerie section of the Littlewoods catalogue.

Dad was showing me how the internet works (This was quite a while ago) and he actually put hardcore porn in front of me and said - "this is what life and the internet is all about." I was too stunned to respond having been faced with a lady being filled with what appeared to be a pair of pepperami zeppelins. Thanks dad.

Has anyone actually placed a porn mag in a bush rather than just found one? I would like to know who has been seeding Britain's flora with precious smut and indeed why.
(Prof. Moriarty put his foot in it on, Sun 28 Jan 2007, 0:34, Reply)

Never actually seen porn...
...at least not beyond a few ten-second clips, but I've read some rather alarming smut.

My introduction to this came at the tender age of 13, when my then-boyfriend (ah, puppy love) brought me over to his house to hang out.

Needless to say, I wound up having a bit of an explore in his room while he took a piss. This resulted in my finding a rather well-hidden stash of softcovers(the Anita Blake series, some older stuff like Emilie, etc.). I, ever the avid reader, paged through a particularly interesting-looking one entitled "School Life In Paris."

Three paragraphs in and he walks in. I hide the book in my hoodie pocket. He asks no questions, and we continue the hang-out.

I get home later that night and hide it among my collection of poetry books. Nobody's found it yet, so I guess I'm safe for now...
(Sir Dixon Dongs Good evening, gentlemen., Sat 27 Jan 2007, 23:54, Reply)

How porn gets recycled.
When I worked at a tip, sorry household waste mangement and recyling facilty, we used 20 yard containers to deal with newspapers and magasines. These hold about 8tonnes of paper, at a conservative estimate around 25% of it at any one time was porn.

Thats right B3ta the whole time I was at work I was in charge of TWO METRIC TONS OF WANKBOOKS!

Over the corse of a day, usually one or two old men would pull up and shovel car bootloads of pr0n ranging from the late 60's wife swapping mags to mid 90's grumble (the colections usually stopped around the dawn of the interweb)

The fact that I had infinate access to jazz mags during the working day was only marred by the fact that the local kids got thier first taste of porn by breaking onto the site at night and opening the paper bank to get to the good stuff*. leaving me to pick up the argos cataloges and junkmail they left behind, all over an acre of tarmac.

*EDIT: even at a rubish dump the good stuff is allways at the back
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 27 Jan 2007, 20:51, Reply)

Primary school
Sometime around 1979. A new kid was joining class in 4th grade, us being 9-10 years old, he was something around 12. No idea why he still was in primary school, had something to do with him being from abroad. One day he brings a magazine containing what none of us had seen before. Or would be seeing for another 3-8 years again. Doctor and nurse involved in various strange activities, as fas as I can remember hardcore even by modern standards. Unfortunately one teacher saw this and confiscated the magazine. Caused a minor scandal in our village when it turned out the boy had stolen the magazine from his father, who was a doctor.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sat 27 Jan 2007, 20:34, Reply)

More than I wanted to know...
Five and a half words burned themselves into my 11 year old consciousness one dark night over a decade ago. Five and a half words have haunted me, remembered every time I see an online pornsite. Five and a half words which are whispered to friends and colleagues after many, many drinks. Stop. Daddy. You're. Too. Big.

And no I didn't click on it.
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Sat 27 Jan 2007, 20:06, Reply)