Its a warm summer saturday night...
...so I decide to walk home from the pub. Being well tuned in and more than a little tired I soon find my mind wandering and I start to stumble a bit.... As I step to my right my foot drops into the road just as a car passes.... The wing mirror passing merely millimeters away from my arse.

I sober up instantly and move to the opposite side of the kerb out of harms way. It's then that I notice that I've just almost stepped out into the path of a passing police car. After a word or two and an apology from me I carry on my way. I've not walked home alone since.


Oh and not near death but relates to the 'accidentally using another person as a ramp' bmx story before... i did similar when a 5 year old on a scooter rode out in front of me. Unfortunately take off was a failure and I continued my 'stunt' minus bike. Poor kid was screaming so I fixed his scooter and took him home to his mum.
( beefandcheese, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 12:11, Reply)

Theres been a few........
but the one I remember most was when I severed the tendons and artery in my wrist. I skipped up getting out of the bath, put my arm out to stop myself falling and landed on a glass. Bathrooms are stupid places for glass objects, i know, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Anyway, I heard a 'click' sound, looked down at my wrist and saw bone and a little pipe sticking out about as thick as your little finger, which then proceded to pump out, with every heartbeat,all of my blood. Think Spiderman and his web. Its not a continuous spray, just a rhythmic spurting. Called for help and sat back down in the bath, which was just a soup of me and applied pressure with my knees. Started to feel cold and faint but also remarkably calm compared to the people that came to help me.
when I came to, I was swearing alot at the nurses for some unknown reason. Interesting times lay ahead.

Apologies for no bright lights at end of tunnel.
(Kihap, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 12:00, Reply)

a few for me...
I nearly choked on a lolly of some kind in a shopping centre when I was about 4. Never have suckable lollies now.

I was away on a swimming camp 3000km from home, and I had a bad throat infection. Swallowing was extremely painful. As I fell asleep at night I wasn't swallowing, so just as I was about to drift off I suddenly started spluttering and coughing - I had nearly managed to drown in my own saliva. I was scared to sleep for that night, and flew home the next day to the wonders home and medicine. Still the scariest night of my life.

I also had a bad ear infection, and had I lived 60 years earlier I wouldn't be here - my great-grandfather passed away of a similar thing.
(AlexV - stop coming to my house!, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 10:09, Reply)

I was cycling in Romania...
...and was having a few interesting days crossing the Carpathian Mountains on totally deserted dirt tracks (if you've been watching Long Way Round recently, you'll understand the sort of roads we're talking about here). A great time, although difficult cycling because of the state of the roads.

I'd climbed over a pass at about 1200 metres and started slowly to pick my way down the boulderfield that passed for a road on the other side. Because I was having to trickle down this road it was really hard work, squeezing the brakes like mad the whole way. The road was like one of those in RoadRunner cartoons - hacked into the side of a mountain with a sheer wall rising on one side and a sheer drop on the other side.

After a few minutes, just when my fingers were starting to scream from gripping the brakes so much, I rounded a corner and there, to my delight, found that the road had recently been surfaced with lovely smooth fresh black tarmac. Fantastic! I let go of the brakes and started to fly down the road, whipping freely round the corners and enjoying the amazing views.

This moment of delight lasted right up until I rounded another corner and discovered with a trill of happy laughter that SOME NUTTER HAD DECIDED TO GO UP A MOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF BLOODY NOWHERE AND TARMAC A COMPLETELY RANDOM TWO-HUNDRED-METRE STRETCH OF TIGER-ARSEING ROAD FOR NO APPARENT REASON!! The tarmac ended just like that, and I found myself back on dirt track, except rather than travelling at the 8-10 kph that is suitable for such rough roads, I was now travelling at about 45 kph. My front wheel hit a pothole the size of the Grand Canyon and I lost all control of the bike, bouncing from one side of the road to the other, and all the time with this sheer drop on one side. I had to brake by throwing myself off, and ended up if a bloody heap right on the edge of a dizzying 200m drop. What larks.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 10:03, Reply)

When I was 7
I got a BMX for my birthday. I went round to my mates house on it and
showed it off.

We then went to show it off to someone else.

On the way to their house, my mate was running in front of me while i was peddling furiously on the BMX.

Then he tripped over and i was going so fast that i was launched into the air, still on the BMX, by my mate who had turned into a sort of bike ramp.

While i was marvelling at my own bike skill, he was writhing on the floor with agony and crying his little heart out.
(Balron doesn't care how big his photos are, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 9:22, Reply)

Near Death.. I've had loads
First One:

As a child I was out playing in front of the house whilst my dad polished his Motorbike and Mk 1 Escort, both of which he was selling that day. He went inside for some reason and I stayed out playing with a ball or something. I heard a fire engine coming in the distance but was distracted by my mum calling me to see if I wanted to watch a cartoon. I thought about the decision to see the engine or watch the telly, then decided to go watch TV, so started back up the path.

At that point, the fire engine came down our street on a call at the same time two guys joyriding a Beetle came the opposite way. The engine swerved to avoid them, smashed into the Escort, which smashed into the Motorbike that flew fifteen feet through the air and crushed the gate pillar I was stood in front of five seconds earlier.

The guys drove off, leaving a bewildered fire crew, the car and bike written off and me turning round to see where I would have been. Being the kid I was I thought it was very exciting and it was only when I got older I realised how close I came to being squished.
(kna has forgotten everything., Tue 30 Nov 2004, 9:01, Reply)

No near death experiences for me...
...although I did die once.

Thankfully, I fully recovered.
(Keiths Dad, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 8:28, Reply)

Sigh* perants.
My father is an irrisponsable perant. Before I even managed to reach my 3rd brithday he had,
1. Allowed me to eat poisoned mushrooms
2. Allowed me to fall from a second story balcony
3. Lost me in the Australian bush for 10hrs

Good on ya dad!
(rattus, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 7:00, Reply)

Double Death...
When I was about 3 I ate about half a packet of blitzem pellets (slug poison). Mum, who was pregnant with my sister at the time, began to miscarry while I was getting my stomach pumped in the emergency ward. So not only did I nearly kill myself, I almost killed my sister too.
(winestain, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 3:24, Reply)

Back in the day
Apparently, this happened to me as a little kid, but I can't remember how it all went on.

OK, my brother has a death wish against me. My mum says she's quite suprised I survived my childhood after all that my brother did to me. I'll explain in several short stories:

1) When I was still really small: I was in what was referred to in my family as the 'bouncy chair'. This was a fabric chair/rocker thing with a springy base, allowing for general uppity-down movement. The following occured:

MUM: Look after him whilst I go to the kitchen.
BRO: Sure thing.
*BRO bounces me in chair*
*BRO proceeds to save energy by using foot instead of hand to bounce me*
CHAIR: Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing WHEEEEE!
*Baby seen hurtling through air*
*thunk*
BABY: Waaa!

2) When I was still in a pushchair, and on a campsite, my brother's birthday occurred. His main present: a pair of roller skates.

Now, I have no idea what he was thinking of, but he thinks 'now wouldn't it be a great idea to go down this hill wearing my rollerskates and taking the baby with me?' So....

*BRO moving slowly down hill*
*BRO speeding slowly up*
*BRO reaching high speed*
*BRO spots traffic-filled road at bottom of hill*
*BRO realises he's failed to learn how to break*
*BRO performs emergency landing, tilting both himself and pushchair onto ground*
*thunk*
BABY: Waaa!

3) A little older now, say in my 7's-8's. Me and Bro sitting in the front room, bro's leg resting on coffee table.

I sit on Bro's leg.
Bro bounces leg.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
Bro removes leg.
I fall, biting into table.

There's still teethmarks on the corner to this day.

and 4) OK, I was now 12-13ish. I, after picking up a new copy of a game, rush towards the front door.

My bro, sitting in his car parked in front, decides to open the door at the precise moment I was passing.

*crunch* Weeeeee... into the flowerbed. Find that there was ample amounts of blood pouring out of my leg to warrant me a trip to the hospital, where they informed me that they saw no point anaestising me and proceeded to put stitches on the wound whilst I was still fully conscious. THAT almost killed me. :(
( The MooseBlaster, Tue 30 Nov 2004, 3:15, Reply)

I had a five-year old child
shot out of my arms in a small village near Brno.

That sucks.

No really, it does.
( blyerkit e k trilby, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 23:23, Reply)

I have a spacker friend...
A couple of years ago, while drunk, he drove his electric wheelchair into a pond and nearly drowned!
(Mr Slippyfist, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 23:18, Reply)

Deadly buses again
Not really that near death, but quite amusing.
Once I was squeezing onto a very busy bus when the driver decided to close the door on my leg (luckily I was in the bus and was surprising calm considering I had no idea how powerful a bs door was). Fortunately they appear to be designed to allow them to close on people's legs.

Second time was again a busy bus and once again i was squished up against the door. This time when someone got on the bus he decided not to close the door! I'm teetering on the edge of oblivion trying my best to stop myself falling out of the bus.
Oddly enough I still didn't say anything to the bus driver.

I swear the bus drivers are trying to get me.
(Kirbie, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 23:12, Reply)

Silly Me
When I was about 6 me and my older mate where mucking around near her pondy thing at Christmas time and It was silly type dares like...Oh look I put one foot on the ice.
Well I was as thick then as I am now. I stood on this 2 cm ice with two feet. It worked! ....That is until I plunged through and almost drowned in the scary Icy deathy type water... luckily I was resuced ...I still can't sleep on blue bedsheets to this day..
(Kittifer, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 22:19, Reply)

This thing
happened right where these guys did something and happened well fast and no one saw and it was well bad!!1! Then this guy got a knife and went "eerr..I'll fucking kill ya!!1!1" and then he did but it was well fast and things went bad cos my mate Gaz was there and he did stuff and stuff happened and it was well bad!!!! No what I mean!???
( Laughing Boy, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 21:23, Reply)

near death experiance
well when i was 8 i borrowed my brothers bike, rode down a the hill on out street, as fast as you can (which is bloody fast when you're 8)

at the bottom of the hill is a hairpin bend, and some cunt in a cortine ran me over

i escaped with a large scratch down my left leg, but as a kid you just get up laughing, especially with all the adrenaline pumping round your body

oh yeah, the near death bit - the woman in the car died - she was wearing a seatbelt,but had it on loosely, her head hit the front windscreen as her son (who was speeding down the other street) slammed on - and he blamed me, if he'd have been going at less than 30 like you should do, she'd have been fine

bearing in mind i got up and ran off up the street, laughing - i think that's what got him - cunt
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 21:22, Reply)

Late premonition
Last night I had a dream that I was eating a packet of skips. In the dream someone said "God, skips are so nice. Why don't you eat them more often?" When I woke up in the morning I found I'd been left some skips for my lunch. I haven't had skips in years. Spooky isn't it.
(Tragic Magic, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 20:38, Reply)

You know all these..
... b-movies , where the hero is hanging at the edge of a cliff hanging on to a root or something similar?

Well guess what , that shit actually happens in real life.

And to add a more ironic twist to it , the waterfall where this happened is called "Tourist Killer". You got to love the locals.
(I didn't do it, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 20:35, Reply)

I used to race bangers/stock cars
Car: Wolseley 1800 Location: Smallfield near Gatwick Airport.
Rolled it going into the corner ended up with the roof pointing down the straight, managed to get out after much effort as I couldn't find the harness release, about 5 seconds later an out of control Jag XJ6 flattened the roof. The steering wheel ended up wedged in the drivers seat and the seat back was smashed off. The roll cage had been pushed through the floor as the whole car was so rotten.
Also, I was a suspected DOA after a motorbike accident. I can't remember a thing about it (or much for two days afterwards), no tunnels or lights, just voices and being very scared and cold. If I had not been wearing the right safety gear I probably wouldn't be here.
( UKAC let me sniff your diff, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 18:01, Reply)

Probably nothing terribly exciting
Just after the boyf had passed his test he took me for a little drive, some twat nearly drove full pelt into the passenger side of the van (where I was obviously sitting) as he hadn't even glanced our way to check for oncoming traffic. I mean, how the fuck can you miss a bright blue morris minor van?
I've lost count of the amount of times aforementioned boyf has nearly killed himself, due to his fondness for blowing things up and faults with band equipment, a particular favourite of mine being when they discovered the microphones were live.

Um... this one's a bit embarrassing... being horny teenagers in love, we have a somewhat active sex life. Now, he's rather well equipped and knows what to do with it, so needless to say I come repeatedly until I pass out with a big fucking grin on my face. All well and good, but I also have a habit of forgetting to breathe while unconscious. Thankfully he usually manages to bring me round by prodding me or something, but a fair few times my lips have turned blue and I come to hyperventilating. Not quite so much fun when that happens.
( useful_idiot, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 17:51, Reply)

driving in winter once
i got lost, and ended up on a windy road that i didn't know.
going round one corner, the back of the car started to go, and for a moment, i thought 'this is fun' I steered to correct, but got overexcited, and the car spun 720 degrees in the road, and smashed sideways into a tree.

I sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes, breathing really fast, then got out to inspect the damage.

Near death for me, to death for my little car:(
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 17:09, Reply)

my bus home from school and woods
at the first stop there is a ginger chav waiting to go into high wycombe, and he attacked a year 9 @ the w/e and so we all shout abuse at him and just go "aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" really coarsely at him, anyway, he comes onto the bus one day and just goes in his chav voice "who the fuck is pullin this shit?!!!" and he goes up to this year 8 and goes " what you lookin' at?!!" and a year 9 just shouts "get off ginger!" and he shouts " oi who said that? fuck you bitch"

we're still waiting for him to pull a knife


i live near some woods and my dad does work in them, so i'm about 8 and i'm mucking about with a machete with a curved end and i'm just cutting up pieces of wood and mmy brother jogs me and i cut off the top of my thumb-could've died of blood loss

i am not sorry for anything

haha
(ameoba photographer for hire, cheap, see profile, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 17:04, Reply)

Don't have glass doors in your house....
At the tender age of fifteen I was unfortunate enough to have the kitchen door shut in my face as I was walking through the doorway. Instinctivley trying to protect my mush I stook the palm of my hand out to stop the door only to have my hand go through the glass and a huge piece of glass rip through my wrist.

The glass cut a massive whole in my arm and gave me the unenvieable opportunity to see inside my wrist. The resulting carnage resulted in a severed: major artery, 9 tendons and 1 and a half nerves.

When your artery is cut you've got a minute before you pump most of your blood out of your body. Luckily the ambulence station is at the corner of our road and my lovely little brother phoned them while I stood with my arm raised, face flushing, blacking out while watching the horror of arterial blood pouring all over the floor!

After major surgery and physio I can kind off use my hand again (bout 70% of what it used to be)! luckily it is my right hand and I'm right handed so I sat my gcse's, three months later, in a room with a teacher telling them my answers cos I couldn't write. Think that sounds good? Well then try and picture the chemistry teachers face as you don't know the answer to the question so you make something up just to have the section filled!!! Less fun when they look at you like your a moron!!!

Never mind eh!!!
(Manatee Fondler, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 16:55, Reply)

This moring
I was so tired this morning i fell asleep whilst cycling, 4times!. I nearly got run over twice, and the final time I managed to nod off I was close to rear ending a Meriva, I was lucky to wake up when i did. Fuck being late, I nearly died.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 16:17, Reply)

Near death experiences?
As a cyclist in Cambridge all the fucking time.
(Mr. Partyhat, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 15:52, Reply)

.
My mom had her tonsils out in 1949. She was only 10 at the time and evidently suffered from a hereditary allergy to the anesthetic. She said the first thing she remembered after the "Now count backwards by 3s from 100" thing was looking down at her body. She was in an elevator shaft, floating near the ceiling and watching the 2 orderlies who were transporting her. One looked at her and yelled, "Shit, she's not breathing!"
After that, she only remembers being walked up and down the hall by her family to keep her awake and breathing, being force fed cold coffee and getting slapped and pinched by nuns. (It was a Immaculate Heart of Mary hospital)

She still hates coffee and nuns.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 15:23, Reply)

School Games near-tragedy.
Near death you say? Back in my misty eyed youth, one individual named David springs to mind. A group of us are practicing Javelin throwing in a games lesson - under strict instruction not to go and recover said javelin until everyone had finished their turn.

Not so David, who nonchalently decided to wander up the field to rescue his, whilst fearlessly ignoring his common sense. The following scene during which the next javelin went past him at head height, but 2 foot to the right of said empty cranium, is one that should be immortalised in "johnny don't" books.

I guess that means that (nearly) the last thing nearly going through his head was a spear.
(BernardMittens is meowing at the door, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 15:22, Reply)

near enough
I come from a part of the world not far from the equator where cities are best avoided, mainly because of violent hijackings and gun crime.

After being at a friends house, 9pm on a Sunday night, was on my way home.

The road I was on had suffered a few attacks recently, so I was fairly aware of things. Only a few kilometers to go and then I would be in home territory. Foot to the floor, I decided to get on with it. There are only two ways home, and the one I chose was shortest.

It was like a scene out of the wild west - swing doors creaking and very very still. There was not a single car on the road, nor a single human soul in sight.

My peace was shattered by the very sudden appearance of a large powerful car on the road RIGHT behind me. The car was strangely back lit and through my mirror I could see it was full of five men with guns, flashing headlights and generally trying to push me off the road. Rather than back off or give in, the 'flee' instinct kicked in. I was fortunately in a car which though not glamourous was nippy. I was of course calm and collected* and went for it. Sadly my pursuers also went for it and chased me down the tree lined, potholed and winding road for the next few kilometres at breakneck speed, trying to dazzle me with headlights at the corners and generally push me off the road.

I wasn't making any ground on them and had pretty much resigned myself to fate. I remembered though there was a police station not far ahead. Not knowing what to expect when I got there I decided to do a full speed death or glory turn into the station with no warning to my pursuers. Fortunately, they saw what I hadn't and carried on going. I stopped the car and got out, shaking, to see a group of heavily armed policemen casually smoking their fags before going out on patrol.

Close enough for me, thanks.

*WARNING: may not be strictly true
(wrongshui, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 15:20, Reply)

Not me, but my Dad...
...worked with animals in zoo's and a safari park when I was younger. He's had a lion bite a hole in his landrover, an elephant tried to push him through a wall, he's been punched by a chimp, and the little platform above a very deep killer whale pool nearly fell off. My dad couldn't swim at the time.
I think the freakiest event he's told me about was when he had to dart some bears (knock them out). The dart has a tiny percussion charge so that when it hits the animal the charge goes off and forces the drug into the animal. What happen here was that the charge went off just as the dart left the gun and sprayed my dad with the drug. Well, this stuff knocks out animals ok but is kinda lethal to humans, and to make things worse he'd tripped over earlier in the day and had grazed himself. So he quickly washed himself down with a hose and he went with the boss and sat down in the office. His boss got out some animal antidote (I don't think there was or is a human antidote) and told him that if anything funny starts happening he'll stuff some of this into him. So my Dad just had to sit there and wait. Every few minutes his boss would look into his eyes and ask if he was ok. After half hour or so of contemplating meeting the grim reaper nothing had happened sooo.....they went back to work. My dad is the coolest :-)
Some of these things happened before I was born so I feel I'm quite lucky to exist!
(bluegnu, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Christmas decoration shocker!
I suppose I remembered this coz mine are about to go up...
When I was young and in need of money I worked for Argos as a Xmas temp. My very first job was to put up the shop decorations with another first day at work lad. I had the job of putting the lights on the enormous Xmas tree at the front of the store. Unfortunately the other lad had wired up two sets of lights with two plugs together rather than separately. So when he plugged in one of the plugs, the hand that was holding the other closed the circuit. That hand was mine and i was 10 feet up the steps at the top of the tree at the time. I remember thinking Oh f*ck Im going to fry on top of a Xmas tree and The Sun headline will call me a fairy or something. I dont remember much else from that morning apart from a burning sensation that went right up to my elbow. I was shaky but carried on working. I always get someone else to put up my Crimbo decorations now...
(Mickeylove, Mon 29 Nov 2004, 14:29, Reply)