hmm
news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=793968

This makes me both amused and sad at the same time. Discuss.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 26 Mar 2009, 13:23, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just giving you all a tip off.
Don't pick your nose straight after eating sour cream and sweet chilli flavoured mini Snack-a-Jacks because then that is all you will smell for the rest of the day.


What! it was itchy inside.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 12:40, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Get it off my chest...
I am angry. See reply.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 12:17, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's Al's birthday today
I wonder what he got...my bet's on a 12" butt plug
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 10:46, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well, it’s final...

I’m not going to be able to make the wedding of Tourettes & Davros’ Grandad.

I was going to be a bridesman and everything. There are going to be CDC cakes.

It’s also touch and go whether or not I’ll be able to make the Edinburgh bash.

Ever been looking forward to something for absolutely ages, only to have it ripped away from you and there is fuck all you can do about it?

‘Gutted’ doesn’t come close. I am now officially pissed off like a cunting bastard arse on a fucking annoyed stick depressed.

If anyone wants me for the foreseeable I will be wallowing in a vat of self pity

…and cheap cider.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 26 Mar 2009, 9:12, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The nearly Friday Home Sweet Home thread


Confess your sins!
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 7:29, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Late again ...
sigh.

I missed the 'worst thing with a willy' QOTW.

Well fellow b3tans, please help me out here.

I've got this fella. Lovely chap, good job, well hung ... don't hate me girls. ;-p

The worst thing I ever did with a willy was the other night, when I tried to cram his into a 'regular' johnnybag. With predictable results.

The problem is finding a new brand of spoofcatchers since the last lot ran out, and they probably discontined the line since I JUST CAN'T FIND THEM ANYWHERE.

So how about it b3tans, brag away. Preferably including the brand name and maker of a love glove with a diameter greater than 59mm.

And HURRY UP YA'LL, I missed a Pill earlier this week. Finding a replacment brand has become a pressing issue.

Ta lots.

Mrs Smug.
(Que?, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 3:56, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Watchmen
I finished the book two days ago. finished watching the film about 20 minutes ago.

both fucking brilliant.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 22:58, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's just past the tipping point
Where you're looking forward to the next weekend and no longer mourning the loss of the previous one.

Home sweet home!


( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 19:54, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I was just
reading the university calendar for today and found this advert:

"Studies Abroad in the South Pacific Information Session. Learn how to earn UGA credit while traveling in Australia, Fiji, New Zealand or the United Kingdom this summer."

Anyone else notice the slight error there?

They also had one on university buses which said 'Visit Syndney, London, or New Zealand - 3 fascinating cities in the south Pacific!'
( ascorbate, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 18:30, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The world seems to be going mad around me.
Seriously, WTF is going on? Melodrama is springing up everywhere!

-my daughter has had a row of epic proportions with her mother. Granted, she's a sixteen year old girl, but this is still very much out of character for her. It's at the point where not only is she refusing to speak to her or see her, but if her mother buys something for her she refuses it. As this is a normally very stable and rational person, this kinda blows my mind.

-said daughter rather abruptly started feeling ill yesterday afternoon, then redecorated the hallway at school. She's currently at home.

-a guy who used to work for my company suddenly showed up yesterday. He had quit in a rather strange fashion months ago- basically he went on vacation, then called to say he wasn't returning- so to have him appear was odd. He confronted our Human Resources guy, had words with him, then hit him. Another guy happened to be coming down the stairs at the time and jumped in to separate them, and the former employee hit him too. This pissed off the engineer to the point where he kicked seven kinds of shit out of the guy, who then fled the scene, had a hit-and-run accident, then crashed into a second car and is now in the hospital. As I said, this is someone I went to school with. He's one of those ultra-laid-back types, a quiet guy with a perpetual smile who never gets upset, so hearing of this is like hearing of someone getting bitten by a Golden Retriever.

-a month after my heating system in my house crapped out and had to be repaired, I noticed it getting progressively colder in my house last night- and found that the blower fan for the furnace wasn't operating. Fortunately it wasn't anything huge- it was the run capacitor that had gone bad- but still, I missed half a day of work due to this.

In addition to all of this, my crazy artist friend seems to have gone a bit more mental than usual. He's convinced that he's developed a new compression algorithm that will compress data to a hundredth of its original size, and has been pulling a "Beautiful Mind" scenario and has been ranting incoherently about it being the start of AI and of Skynet. And he's still broke and wants me to buy him cigarettes and frozen pizza.

I mean, really, what the fuck is going on? Is there some astrological catastrophe that I haven't heard about yet? Has 2012 arrived early? Am I seeing the End Of Days here?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:50, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dublin
B3tans,

I am off to Dublin for a while at the beginning of April. What are your recommendations to see/do/not do?
( SuperWeasel slightly better than the average weasel, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 16:28, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

crap joke
Russel Grant goes into a library and says "Do you have any books on astrology?"

The library replies "Fuck off you fat cunt"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:42, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My Valentine's Day presents from my other half arrived over the weekend.
She had bought me a globe, but there were problems with delivery, so instead she got me Watchmen (the graphic novel) and John Torode's Beef (cookbook)

if you haven't already, go out and buy both.

Am going to see Watchmen tonight in the cinema. Will I be disappointed, having recently read the book?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:28, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

While I would never condone violence.
A swift kick up the jacksy would have been enough to make people somewhat happier about this thieving bastard.

news.uk.msn.com/uk/article.aspx?cp-documentid=15366695
( girlinthehole, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 14:44, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've got a date on Friday.
A lovely lady is going to cook me dinner, having suggested I go over to her's for dinner and a dvd.

She said, 'I'll cook the food, you bring the film'

So.. what movie can you recommend for a 30something to take to another 30somethings house for dinner - possibly leading to a bit of nookie.

All film suggestions will be referenced against IMDB - so don't be fooled into thinking 'lesbian's what murder after fucking' is going to wash with me if you suggest its some sort of romcom.

Mullered
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:55, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Breakfast
I've just eaten 3 bowls of "Special K" with gold-top milk. Am I missing the point? I can't even fit into my wife's red swimsuit at the best of times and now I'm a bit bloated I don't want to risk it.

Edit: By the way, 'red swimsuit' isn't a euphamism
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:53, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Google Earth again
Am I wrong to perve on Russians in bikinis? Go on google Earth, locate 55°47'29.30"N 37°24'53.05"E.

There you will find a "360Cities" icon (providing you have that layer switched on, it's in Gallery). It displays a 360-degree panorama of lots of sunbathers in bikinis on the banks of the imaginatively named Moscow River.

Edit: I must point out that I wasn't perving at the lady shot-putter standing on the water's edge.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:28, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Google Earth
Have any of you been caught on GE Streetview? This will only really apply to those who saw the Google-Cars cruising the streets
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 11:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

On the way in this morning,
I spotted a poster advertising concerts by Kenny G, pioneer of the most pathetic, wanky excuse for pretend jazz you've ever heard. (Which can be broadly be described by the "genre" known as Smooth Jazz. *shudders*)

And fuck me diagonally if he doesn't look like the smuggest cunt who ever slobbered into a soprano saxophone.

So...Kenny G - the Robbie Williams of jazz? Discuss.

Failing that, which other musicians would you like to smack in the mouth? I could do with a nice thread of hatred. Please try to transform your anger into some sort of vitriolic witticism.

EDIT: The mention of smooth jizz has also reminded me of the sad decline of Jazz FM into a pile of wank before it eventually came clean and renamed itself Smooth FM. Can anyone recommend a decent jazz radio station?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 10:43, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's International Frottage Day!
Let's dry-hump like it's 1999.


( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 8:02, 221 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I wish I was my neighbor.
She lives upstairs and is currently getting laid as I type this. I know this, as all I can hear is *thud thud*...yes, oooooooh yes...*thud thud*.......*make me come....oh yes, yes baby....ohhhh ohhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*.

Wait....yeah, he's about to come too. He just yelled that out.
Ah well, I'm off to bed. Gotta be up in 5 1/2hours for a 7am breakfast meeting.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 6:58, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right...
I bet the little scamp that did this lurks around here somewhere.

news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm
(i should have joined myspace, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 21:12, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just
been offered a permanent post at my current job which is maternity cover.

Hurrah.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Tue 24 Mar 2009, 20:40, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Time for some Tuesday night Home Sweetness

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 19:36, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I know we were supposed to get the dumb puns out of our system a while ago, but...
... Last year, I was dating a beautiful indian woman. Not only was she easy on the eye, but she also has a cracking technique when it came to manual relief, which involved turning a leather glove inside out - I'm sure you can picture the rest.

The relationship soured, though, when she wanted me to learn some more about the language. I tried, but it didn't seem too hard - of course, she thought I was taking the mickey when I said it seemed easy, and the most difficult parts seemed to involve clothing.

This was the beginning of the end for the relationship; we were no longer intimate, and I missed, above all, her special technique, to the point where one day I cried out;

"What can I do to make you glove me, when sari seems to be the hardest word?"

*

Also, yesterday, I began to wonder; would Gnarls Barkley ever help out around care homes?

You can imagine the scene; Cee-lo is sat down next to Alf, who's having trouble with his eyes. Alf spys a lady across the room;

"Hey, Cee, is that Doris over there?"

"No, I think it's Ma-is-ie..."

/coat
(Fjord, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 19:29, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ARGH!
STRESSED!!!
Very stressed!!!

And I can't listen to Joss Stone (for calming purposes) as my ungrateful brother has taken my CD! The arsehole...

(Why he wants to listen to Joss Stone I don't know... he may be supressing something...)


And I have a graphics assignment in soon...
and biology exams...
and photography assignments...

*sighs and has a mini-break down of emotions*
(one-winged-angel-616 isn't as depressed as she sounds, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 19:13, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Recently, I used an advertised job opportunity to get more money from my current employer
this has worked out nicely with them straight away offering my a decent increase in pay.

I didn't particularly want to leave the place I work now anyway, but now they're giving me more money it's certain.

However, I did send off my CV to this other company and now they want to interview me. I can't be arsed to get into some kind of debate with the new people about money, or go to an interview with them.

What can I tell them on the phone that will make me sound awesome, and not annoy them?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 16:33, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is it nearly the Edinburgh bash yet?
Is it is it is it is it is it is it is it....eh!

*runs around waving arms*

*excites*

I've packed my novelty ginger wig and tam-o-shanty and my extendable pole with a mirror on the end for looking up kilts.
( girlinthehole, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 15:09, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

FML
Definitely FML

Could he not just have done a letter or a video for after his death?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 24 Mar 2009, 14:37, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)