I was wondering how long the /talk lot would take before getting annoyed with the current QOTW.
A couple of hours must surely be a new record.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 13 May 2009, 15:43, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello.
Who, if any of you, have issues related to b3ta you'd like to put forward to me, internet leader JMG?
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Wed 13 May 2009, 15:37, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My brother's shuttle launch video
www.youtube.com/watch?v=txTn-mEos_g

I like the smokey deitrus left behind.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 May 2009, 15:36, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lunchtime
With the college exam timetable being what it is, my eldest doesn't have to be back in college until Monday. Should I take him to the local pub for the £4 carvery or just do him one of the tins of soup in the cupboard?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 May 2009, 14:35, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Huzzah
It might seem quite trivial to some, but I managed to register with an NHS dentist.

Apparently, it's a woman too, so there's no danger of being tea-bagged whilst drugged and helpless.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 May 2009, 14:28, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Facebook Twat
I'm hoping someone learned in the ways of Facebook can help me here.

I've recently been added by an old friend. No problem so far.

However, this particular old friend has an unfortunate habit of crossing the line when they leave comments on my page - bear in mind it's read by members of my family. I don't want to go so far as to remove him completely as we've known each other nigh on twenty years and have many mutual drinking buddies, but so far he's not heeded my requests to tone it down.

Is there a subtle way of preventing a specific person from replying to your updates instead of deleting their comments outright?

Or do I block the prick?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 13 May 2009, 14:24, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

fuck me
it's been an hour or so and I'm already traumatised by the new qotw.

There's some nasty tales of bullying, but some of the revenge is pretty chilling.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 May 2009, 14:14, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pearl Jam in Manchester
Any b3tans going?

Ta,
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 13 May 2009, 14:11, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Someone teach me canine anatomy please
specifically the eye, ear and heart as I don't feel like looking through my notes again.

Three exams on Friday. Do not want.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 13 May 2009, 13:59, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So today, everyone here gets to give a free punch in the face.
Who are you going to give it to?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 13 May 2009, 13:36, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Finally an important question to ask!
What, if anything, is better than a monkey knife fight?


(variations along the theme of monkey knife fight i.e. with cinematic soundtrack not allowed)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 May 2009, 13:23, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So National Express
will be charging £2.50 for seat reservations on some trains as of this weekend. Each way.

This has nothing to do, of course, with reports that their hold on the East Coast mainline franchise is slipping as they look increasingly unable to pay the Gubment the £1.4 billion or whatever it was they promised for running the franchise after GNER found themselves in exactly the same predicament. And everything to do with "improving the customer experience" as they stated last night. Because everyone wants to pay an extra fiver to receive exactly the same fucking service, don't they?

There's always the choice of not booking a seat, of course, and spending the next 6 hours playing carriage roullette on the long hike from King's Cross to Aberdeen, constantly moving seats or spilling into the vestibule bit between carriages and sitting on the floor outside the bogs that don't quite flush properly.

Cynical? Moi? Shirley not.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 13 May 2009, 13:13, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Waaagh!
I soooo wanted to post this to the QOTW and thought I had another day at least!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtE4AtBo2AM

Bill Jackson was a poor old dub,
Who joined the Darktown Poker Club
But cursed the day he told them he would join.
His money used to go like it had wings
If he held Queens, someone had Kings
And each night he would contribute all his coins.
He said I'm going to play em tight tonight
No bobtail flush is gonna make me bite
When I get's in, my hands going to be a peach.
So he played em tight, but lost his pile
And Bill got peevish after a while
So he rose, got up, and made this speech.

He said - Now you all see this brand new razor
I've had it sharpened just today
And I'm comin''- in with my own rules
That you must follow as you play.
Now keep them boney hands on the table when you deal'em please
And don't be slipp'en any aces down there in between your knees.
And don't make any of them funny signs like your trying to tip off your hand
Just talk in American, boy American - so's I can understand.
And don't be dealing off the bottom, cause Oh! that's rough
Just take Five, Five - then stop, that's enough.
Now when you bet, put up them chips, cause I don't like it when you shy.
If you get busted - go get some, cause I won't be here by & by.
Pass them cards for me to shuffle every time before you deal
Then if anything wrong, I must see.
Cause you ain't going to play this game according to Mr. Hoyle,
You're going to play this here game according to me.

Now sitting right there at that there clan
There chanced to be a one eyed man
And Bill kept watching from the corner of his eye.
If ol' one-eye would deal'em then
It would have cost that Bill another five or ten.
So he rose, looked all around and with a sigh,
He said 'Lord' he said - but it's an awful shame,
But there's someone cheating in this here game
Of course it don't do for me to name the guy.
So I'll refrain from mentioning the party's name
But if I catch him cheating just once again
I'm gonna take my fist and close that other eye.

Now you all see this brand new razor
Well I've had it sharpened just today
I'm comin' in with my own rules
That you must follow when you play. - Egad
Keep your hands up there when you deal'em please
And don't be puttin' those wildies slip in between your knees.
And don't make them funny signs like your trying to tip off your hand
Just talk American - Big A-A-A so's I can understand.
And don't be takin' off the bottom, cause I've told you before - that's rough!
This is the Army game, Five, Five - then halt, that's enough.
When you bet, let's see them Reds and Blues, cause I don't like it when you shy.
If you run out of gas - go get pumped up, I won't be here by & by.
Pass them pasteboards for me to shuffle every time before you deal - let me ripple.
Anything'swrong, I wanna see.
I mean you ain't gonna play this game now according to Mr. Hoyle,
You're going to play this game according to me.

Henry, if you break the seal on them new set of Bicycles - we'll go on from here....Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
(TC, Wed 13 May 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Blimey
The QOTW closed a day early
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 13 May 2009, 12:29, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Mastodon
Right, so Mastodon are playing in Islington, and one of you cunts, yes, that's what I said, one of you cunts has got my ticket. It's mine by rights because I really really wanted to go but I was out on Site when the tickets went on sale and one of you sneaky fuckers got in before me and bought my ticket.

So i'm going to give you a chance. If you've got my ticket, you just need to own up and let me buy it off you for face value (plus whatever fees and postage you got charged, i'm not unreasonable).

If you're really quick, i'll consider paying slightly more than that (slightly mind, no taking the piss).

So there you go, there's your chance to put things right and go home with your conscience clean.

But if you don't, well, lets just say, you don't want to meet someone the size of me down an alley while i'm crying and throwing up after missing the gig. It's not pretty. And you'll feel really bad about what you did. And you'll probably get wee on your shoes.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 13 May 2009, 11:41, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

G'mornin' fabulous people...
I do hope you're all in tip-top form, and may I say, you're look stunning today.

I've redesigned my website, it's not complete yet, but it's getting there.

What do you think? www.90nz0.com/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 13 May 2009, 11:22, 42 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My boss is in today
And, after spending two whole days doing nothing but b3taing between personal errands (Tesco shop for dog food, walking the dog, doing my washing)... I've forgotten what it was that I used to do here.

My desk is very full of stuff and I haven't got a clue how to start attacking it.

I have b3ta paralysis.

It's probably terminal.

I think I'll go make a cup of tea while I figure out how to get over it.

Good Mornings!!
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:39, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right internet perusers
I have read all of fmylife and notalwaysright and the best of craigs list and pretty much all of the decent QOTW's so I need more text based hilarity to read at work.

So guys, any amusement you care to throw my way?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 13 May 2009, 10:35, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Worth a shot
I'm planning on going to watch Star Trek tonight, but my usual source of Orange wednesday codes is also going, so can't provide me with one.

Any noble b3tans fancy forwarding me a message from Orange to save me 7 quid?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:45, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Clearing your mind
I seem to find clearing my mind of thoughts a seemingly impossible task. No matter how hard I try and not think of anything, there's always some thought or other that manages to reach my 'thinking-tray'. Clearing the mind would not only help me focus better, but also relax more as well. Anyone got any tips for clearing the mind?

But on the other hand, I find my constantly-invading thoughts a good source of my creativity if I can manage to remember them, so it's not all bad - I just wish I had an 'off-switch' I could use whenever I wanted.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:31, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

When God hands you lemons
FIND A NEW GOD
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 13 May 2009, 9:02, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey there fellow b3tans...
the sun is shining, the birdies are tweeting, i don't have to rush out to work. what a lovely start to the day.

and i'm going to see St Etienne perform Foxbase Alpha in Glasgow tonight! How cool is that? Tra-la-la!

Any other b3tans going? of so then fancy meeting up?

Bx
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Wed 13 May 2009, 8:57, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood Morning, B3TA
How are we all this morning, my fluffehs?

*mathematical hugs all round*
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 13 May 2009, 8:08, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

G'nite Bob
fishingnetwork.net/forum4/showthread.php?t=33169

A good friend who really helped me out fishing, and was there for me during my seperation from my husband and the death of my mum (no, nothing into it, just a friend is all).
He leaves behind a 14 year old daughter, Lauren, who is just adorable. I will miss him muchly.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 13 May 2009, 6:27, Reply)

So my bum grapes are playing up again
and I called the doctor to make an appointment to see him tomorrow (to make sure it is bum grapes). When the receptionist asked the reason for my visit, she burst out laughing when I said "I'm shitting blood"! Then apologized profusely before chuckling again saying "I can't write that down". I was laughing with her, but believe me I won't be when my gorgeous doctor has his finger up my arse.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 12 May 2009, 23:41, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Since everyone's jumping on the erotica bandwagon...
Here's my effort. Replies. Minor edits.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 12 May 2009, 23:10, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The new Wilkinson Quattro For Women Bikini
Literally minutes of fun.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:21, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have exercised my underused and underdeveloped literary skills
and written you all a story! It's definatly NSFW and you probably shouldn't read it if you are under 18. I can't stop you though.

This is a warm up to something much longer. If you have any suggestion about how to improve the writing, anything at all, pelase tell me so I can make this next one a bit better.

As is customary, it's in the replies.
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Tue 12 May 2009, 22:02, 37 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I is sad
the new baby kittums died this morning. Momma cat suffocated them. I guess she was just too young to be a parent :(
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 12 May 2009, 21:19, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)