Bill Gates fail
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that get 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1 For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2 Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3 Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply not accept this.

4 Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5 Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6 The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7 The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8 Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9 Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off .

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 25 May 2009, 12:54, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Censorship success!
Depending on how you define success.

Kid runs library of banned books out of locker, other students previously uninterested in reading now clamouring for more.

Awesome. :)
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 25 May 2009, 10:59, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I love working on bank holidays
The roads are quiet, no-one phones me to interrupt my web surfingwork and I can then take my holidays when I like rather than having to take them when the rest of the country is off too.

The one thing that gets my goat is that the telly schedules are all screwed up. But I don't watch telly much, so it's not that much of a problem.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 25 May 2009, 10:53, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bah! Work today?
Currently sat on a train on my way to work (no change there then).

I HATE working Bank Holidays!

However, I'm still puzzled over something I overheard in Tesco yesterday;

(Story in reply)

Surely the worst parenting ever?
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Mon 25 May 2009, 9:16, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Boro > Newcastle
But still :'(

Congrats Hull, deservedly stayed up.
Even with David Dickinson as the manager.
(TheColonel, Mon 25 May 2009, 2:49, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right then.
I've been trying to put a picture of my big brown hound in my profile but it doesn't seem to be working.

I expect this might be because:-

a - I'm as pissed as a little beetle.

b - Because I have the computer skills of Joey Deacon.

Would someone care to check my profile and let me know if they can see a dog?

If you can't the dog obviously doesn't exist and I've wasted a lot of money buying food for him.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Mon 25 May 2009, 0:16, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well bugger me backwards
Hull City actually managed to stay up. I'm pleased, and all, but they really didn't deserve it.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sun 24 May 2009, 23:11, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Film4 are doing a guilty pleasures season at the moment
What films would you consider to be your guilty pleasures?

Mine are
Showgirls
Dirty dancing
Tremors
B movies
Most 50s sci fi
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 24 May 2009, 21:07, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

whoops
He's not the messiah, He's a very relegated boy
(Halfy By light alone, Sun 24 May 2009, 17:56, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm currently lying in bed feeling ill
But last night - when I started feeling really unwell, I came home from the cinema (Star Trek is excellent) to find a surprise birthday party waiting for me...and Big Girl's Blouse had come all the way down here to sunny Kent from her home Up North!

I was astounded to see BGB along with a huge crowd of my mates who live locally.

I have amazing friends and an amazing family & boyfriend too.

So, what's the best thing that's happened to you while you felt like crap?

I had to go off and dose myself up with paracetamol and wait for an hour or so until I felt human.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 24 May 2009, 15:59, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help
I'm stuck at work for another two hours and forty Minutes...

I've sold four t shirts and had to chase adolescent boys out once.

I'm bored stiff folks... Wanna entertain me?
(weekirst23 Is broken! Silly ice. Silly High heels!, Sun 24 May 2009, 15:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm stuffed
Just back from the carvery where I piled it high with veg. Uuurp.

Now I off to decide whether to watch the rest of the Grand Prix or go read my book down the park. It's so gorgeous outside do I really want to stay indoors?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Sun 24 May 2009, 13:06, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My entire mouth feels bruised
I got my Tongue pierced yesterday, and I already can't wait to get the long bar changed out for a shorter one.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Sun 24 May 2009, 10:47, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Question for the legal b3tans
I need to disown my sister, so she is no longer my sister. Is there any way I can legally do this?

For the rest of you, what do you reckon would be the most embarassing way (to her) to announce it to the rest of my famly?

I'm thinking taking out a full page advert in the Times...
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 24 May 2009, 10:24, 91 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

KISS are on American Idol
WTF?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 24 May 2009, 10:17, Reply)

It's 20 to 8
On a fucking Sunday morning. And where am I? Yes. at fucking work.

The problem is I have NEVER had less desire to carry out any form of work-related chore than I have today. I know I have 4 audits to do, as well as a stack of other paperwork, but I cannot...be...arsed.

What to do, b3tards, what to do?
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 24 May 2009, 7:41, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Groan, sweat, groan...
a little tenuous perhaps...

but it lives!!!

Come on in and be fowl ;-)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 24 May 2009, 7:34, 105 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

where oh where
has Bert gone??

I need his bitching to keep me from going on a rampage.
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 24 May 2009, 4:32, 27 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bad advertising placement
Just seen on the Hull Daily Mail site.


( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 24 May 2009, 1:21, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

question
In the style of plot-hole ridden '90s sci-fi serial, Quantum Leap, if you could 'leap' into yourself at any point of your life, what would it be and why?

No answers involving lottery results or other gambling-related activites
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 23 May 2009, 23:58, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tattoo
I've decided (and I'm not wasted, don't worry) that I'm going to get a tattoo. I was going to get one when I was 20 and wimped out - all of my friends got tattoos that could only be described as functional (we were all going to get tattoo'd on our shoulders service numbers and blood groups) but now ... now I'm going to get something that'll be appropriate.

So - here comes the request to the b3tan world: please advise on:

1. Placement
2. Design

My current thoughts on placement include my shoulderblade. I don't want it to be seen by any other than those that I'm happy showing it to (thus, not on the face, neck, hand etc). Designs are more of a concern - a large capital G with an iceberg inside a broken heart sounds appropriate.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Sat 23 May 2009, 21:42, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hahahaha, I've just had a solid hour of watching cheesy music videos on YouTube
These included:

Mr. Blobby
Chesney Hawkes - The One And Only
Bucks Fizz - Making Your Mind Up
Nick Berry - Every Loser Wins
Spitting Image - I've Never Met A Nice South African
Keith Harris and Orville - I Wish I Could Fly

How many of you lot actually remember this stuff?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 23 May 2009, 19:34, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whack-A-Kitty
No real cruelty involved. It had me laughing like a proverbial
(My wife doesn't let me say mong).

HERE
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sat 23 May 2009, 15:56, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just re-read Story of The Eye
And am in shock.

(If you really want to read it for yourself, it's downloadable in PDF form from here if you're brave enough)

What's the weirdest fetish you've come across (no not like that) And if you do manage to read that story, did you actually ENJOY any of that crazy shit?

*avoids boiled eggs*
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Sat 23 May 2009, 15:39, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

<3 Vodafone
It would appear they've forgotten to charge me for my international calling minutes (125 minutes of international call for £10/month - saves me a lot of cash) for the second month in a row. That's an extra £10 for beer!

Has anyone else come accross any unexpected bonuses recently?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sat 23 May 2009, 15:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

i need help , clever people of B3ta
Seeing as many of you fellows are tech-savvy, I wonder if you could tell me whether mobile broadband is worthwhile ?
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sat 23 May 2009, 14:10, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am in a FANTASTIC mood.
Despite being fairly hungover.

Just recieved a package from a very good friend. Tonnes of music, which I'm very eager to listen to, if only I could listen to several songs at once. And two films.

The Apartment and Amores Perros.
Has anybody seen either?


oh yeah, and it's a bank holiday weekend!
:)
(TheColonel, Sat 23 May 2009, 14:01, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)