Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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OK that one is taking the 'long thread' biscuit.My question is this - would you, even with a cellophane barrier?
PS I would like to welcome ‘Happybara’ to /OT, wholeheartedly. Already you have inadvertently provided me with a great deal of entertainment and long may you continue so to do.
EDIT: if you turn out to be Bert I shall fucking kill you.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:37,
179 replies,
latest was 15 years ago)
Cellophane barriers are not that effective during riotsAs shown recently in Egypt
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:41,
Reply)
What the actual fuck(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:43,
Reply)
I need me one of those there hats!(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:45,
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Will you people stop trying to make me sick.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:43,
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OK I get it - next time, cellophane barrier it is.Jesus, some people....
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:44,
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Are you some kind of 'rimedial'?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:48,
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He's our latest self declared underage arsehole fetishestHe loves a good musky arsehole
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:48,
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Wait what?He's underage, or he likes underage arseholes?
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:49,
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I award this posta click and a guffaw
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:54,
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PEEDO PEEDO PEEDO or possibly Bert, whatevswww.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1070276
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:51,
Reply)
I'd welcome him too, but he said my tip was shit, so he can fuck off.Or get a shorter missus, his choice.
Depends what mood I was in, Monty.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:46,
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I thought if he smothered herhe could position her in any way he wanted
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:49,
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Are your knees that dirty?I dont mean fuck them, just chock your tiny little legs up on them to reach your gargantuan wife's musky clunge
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:51,
Reply)
OK. Will do!And can I just reiterate that my height is normal; my wife just has thighs that are sliiightly longer than mine; And there are no major hygiene issues with either me or the missus - just healthy, natural odours that are common to our species.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:57, Reply)
You're a midget and your wife has a stinky anus.It's too late now - you've already said too much.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:59,
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Only if it was high quality thick cellophaneNot this Asda smartprice shit.
Welcome Happybara. You are disgusting, I'm sure you'll fit right in.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:58, Reply)
The problem is, he can't.His thighs are too short, you see.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:02,
Reply)
Happybara has ruined Deputy Dawg for meAlso I am disappointed at the lack of official lunch thread, as I had my homemade turkey chilli with a dollop of sour cream and a tiger roll and wanted to show off.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 13:59,
Reply)
I had a breaded chicken escalope, ham and cheese sandwichon toasted sour dough, with sundried tomatoes, mayonaise and mustard.
It was incredible, huge and expensive.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:08,
Reply)
I had my sort-of-chilli on a jacket potato(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:19,
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Hello and welcome, Happybara. May your residence here be long and as PsychoChomp-free as possible.Let's talk romance. In honour of the forthcoming Valentine's festivities which I'm sure you'll all be observing with enormous preparation and enthusiasm, what's the most romantic thing you've ever done?
*produces notepad, waits eagerly*
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:02, Reply)
Slept in the wet patch.(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:04,
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The most romantic thing I've done was craft related.I sewed my then boyfriend a stuffed toy. It was rather awesome, if I may say so myself.
I also drew him a picture. As I have no art skillz, it was drawn like a 5 year old. Intentionally.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:04,
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This is brilliantGenuinely. I wish I had any kind of creative ability
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:07, Reply)
I like sewingbut I'm not very good.
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Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:44,
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my friend's bf insists on writing his name very poorlyand then writing "aged 38 and a half" after it.
it was funny the first time.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:08,
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Now he's 54 the joke just seems odd.(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:09,
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He doesn't sound as funny as Dr Hug.(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:10,
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No, we were both 15 ffs(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:44,
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I have made a cardfeaturing a love poem by 11th Century Arabic poet Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:05,
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If anyone else had posted this I would have called bullshitI suppose the card was encased in an envelope made from authentic 11th Century Arabic silk, too
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:09, Reply)
I have been to his Sufi shrine in Konya.Few men have been wiser. He'd have my doggy dilemma sorted in seconds, and probably in exquisite verse.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:43, Reply)
Given his wife's arsehole a good wash(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:05,
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one man's romance is another man's stalky slushyou really have to know your audience i reckon.
the worst thing i did was to get the address of the teacher i really fancied (he banked at natwest. i had a holiday job there. i am not proud of this. although i was at the time.) and send him a val card and a book of poetry. someone asked him in the lesson if he had received any cards and he told us all about it, saying it was years since he'd had a mystery card and he had no idea who it was from... how my friends and i did not laugh or go red remains a mystery to this day.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:06,
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Excellent work thereNot something I can easily replicate and claim as my own romantic gesture, however
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:08, Reply)
i've fancied quite a few men in my timebut nothing can compare to the heart thumping burning all consuming crushes you have in your teens. god that was fun.
now it's all "he makes me come like a train but can he pay the mortgage" or "i wonder if my dad will like him or terrify him" or "i wonder if he's fertile or sterile" or "he really is too old to be quite this monumentally shit in the sack"...
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:10,
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Me;- like a train - once every few hours, but never at the time you'd like, and no (less "can't", more "won't")
- both
- no idea, EU restrictions prevent me from breeding
- I know, I know. Give me a minute and I'll try again
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:26, Reply)
you have a girlfriendtherefore you are off my list. but otherwise, nice try.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:28,
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i'm not a judgebut i'm the closest thing to one on here, and i say that the evidence against this statement is overwhelming
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:12,
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The equivilent would be me looking through someones medical records to find their address.Which is deeply creepy and highly illegal.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:13, Reply)
nooooo it wasn't like thati was the office work experience gimp, i didn't have access to any records! i was just asked to stuff envelopes with flyers for customers, i knew which part of stockport he lived in because he had told us, he had an unusual surname, and when i saw that he was on the list, i just memorised it.
that is NOT the same as going onto the computer with the deliberate intention of looking up someone's medical and address history, you remain substantially creepier than i am.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:16,
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The fact that you have said teacher's facebook page open in another tab at this very momentgives the lie to that statement.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)
nahnow i know he likes teh cock i have finally gotten over him.
15 years later.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:17,
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Does this explain the shitty-twat comment from earlier?(
JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:18,
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That was a reply to Chompy, you oaf.You have RUINED my point with your up-to-date knowledge of his sexual proclivities.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:21, Reply)
in my defence nobody ever replies to psychochomp, therefore i was not expecting itand secondly, like the proclivities would stop the stalking.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:23,
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It's not THAT romantic to do someone up the wrong'unYou're either a bumder, a liar, or just not very romantic.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)
I'm an unromantic, lying bumder.I don't believe any man is truely romantic for the sake of it, we only do it to make the other half happy for for access to her spam purse.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:13,
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I agree with you up to a pointI'm romantic for the sake of a happy girlfriend, and consequently a quiet life. And occasional access to the aforementioned purse
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:19, Reply)
Oh, God, romance...I don't know. I did 'home-make' a Valentine's card once but it looked a bit Blue-Petery and the pritt-stick wouldn't hold all the glitter on properly. Oh, I took the then g/f to the Blue Elephant in Fulham once. That's quite a romantic Thai. Don't know if it's still there.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:10, Reply)
It is, it has fish swimming around your feet(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:11,
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I took my sister and her husband there for lunch once.Decor: 10/10
Food: 5/10
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:16,
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Prices: 2/10My local thai is just as good
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:19,
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All restaurants in Fulhamare for people with money but no fucking idea.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:24,
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It's v popular with B3tansbut a bit 'meh' if you ask me. I've only been to the West End one.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:29,
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My dining room off the Broadway is properly nice(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:45,
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My Dining Room off the Broadway is properly nicethis is an actually restaurant not a poor atmept to lure you into my sex dungeon
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:45,
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Fulhamis for people with money but no fucking idea. Shit transport links; The Fulham Palace Road is like Compton yet the sub-Chelsea yaaah's will shell out half a mill for a shoe-box. Morons. I left London long, long ago when my thighs were gazelle-like in their length and grace and my wife's anus was as a finely seasoned slice of calamari.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:49, Reply)
And, to tell the truth,it wasn't actually that romantic because we were sat next to a coven of cackling, hate-filled hags having a kind of anti-valentine's celebration, moaning about men, relationships etc etc.
I wanted to stuff them in wells and use their skins as freaky, ersatz cocoons by the time the mains arrived.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:23, Reply)
Maybe not strictly romanticMy long-distance girlfriend at the time was really ill in bed. We normally only got to see each other at weekends, but one wednesday I took 2.5 hours worth of trains to get to hers, let myself in and while she slept I prepared dinner, did some tidying up and then gently woke her for dinner in bed.
I then spent as long as I could with her, tending to her every need, before getting the last train back home.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:11,
Reply)
How in the name of hellis that not romantic? Fucking hell. Lucky girl.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)
Well it's not exactly chocolates and rosesThough I did bring her sweets and flowers, and some less romantic food essentials.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:34,
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Cheers dude!(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:42,
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She hadn't realised she was his girlfriend prior to thator met him, or heard of him.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:37,
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I'm not Psychochomp(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:40,
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I have never done or received anything romantic in my life.I did turn up at the boy friend's house in nothing but a thong, corset and thigh-highs under a big coat for his birthday though.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)
ha my friend lisa did thatwhen she got there he had about 5 mates watching the rugby and they were all leathered. they kept asking her why she didn't take her coat off and in the end she stormed home again.
she also tried to replicate the "dirty dancing" sex scene, but he just complained that she was making him dizzy walking around him in circles.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:14,
Reply)
I don't know how I'm going to top that now though.It's all downhill from here.
Ahahaha, proof that real life is not the same as movies. Poor girl.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:15, Reply)
ugh, why why why would you want to replicate that(
Lisette von Falcon, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:18,
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I don't remember it well enough, but she should've known it would've been a let down.(
Lisette von Falcon, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:22,
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I think Ms Foxtrot would be happier replicating the dance sceneWhich is a testament to both my dancing and bedroom skills
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:30, Reply)
To clarify;I'm saying I'm crap in bed but good at dancing. And that she'd prefer it this way round.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:38, Reply)
I need a girlfriend like youOnly better looking.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:14,
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Harsh, I can totally get a girlfriend.Oh, you meant the second bit.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:18,
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A friend of mine did this tooTurned up at her boyfriends in a long coat, high heels, stockings, suspenders, corset, you name it. Bless him, he was too shocked to know what to do, haha.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:23,
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A replica Sutton Hoo burial war-helmet?You did say I could name it.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:32,
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I too have done thisexcept in order to do so, I had to get changed in a train toilet 10 minutes from Bangor train station, and managed to flash a dirty old man when I dropped my bag coming out of the toilet, and spent the next ten minutes being very uncomfortably aware that he was touching himself and staring at me.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:16, Reply)
hahahahahahahahaha!*breathes*
hahahahahahahahaha!
*breathes*
hahahahahahahahaha!
*breathes*
hahahahahahahahaha!
/passes out
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:23,
Reply)
nothing ever for valentinesonce I did get a plate of chocolate covered strawberries which was nice and romantic I suppose, but I felt something more along the lines of mortification
here is a recipe don't think you need the double boiler, the nazi I live with just uses the microwave
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:16,
Reply)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You are so beautiful,
I want to wear your skin
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:24,
Reply)
I wrote a Petrarchan SonnetI had to look up the structure on the interwebs for I am a dullard at poetry. Which possibly explains why it took me two days of agonising to get it done.
"That was very nice." was the response.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:30,
Reply)
I wrote her a poem once called Time And Relative Dimension In Spaceno word of a lie. She loved it. That was a surprise.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:32, Reply)
I've never done anything romanticI'm shit at the whole romance thing
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:48,
Reply)
I don't think you should encourage fat ugly people to talk about their fat ugly sex lives.(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:04, Reply)
someone once told me there was some sort of chemical in a mans brain that once he's aroused whoever he's looking at is the most beautiful person he's seen(
Lisette von Falcon, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:09,
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I don't think so.Either way, even if you think they're fat and ugly, at least someone thinks they're beautiful
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Lisette von Falcon, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:12,
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That's definitely not true.I've had many moments of startling objectivity mid-intercourse.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:12, Reply)
...gazing at the back oh her headwhilst you balance precariously on a stepladder...
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:17,
Reply)
This must be how the bible started.I'll have to nip this David and Goliath sex-myth in the bud by posting pictures or something soon.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:25, Reply)
I DO NOT WANT TO SEE PICTURES OF YOU BANGING FRUITLESSLY AWAY AT THE BACK OF YOUR WIFE'S KNEE.(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:29, Reply)
We've already managed toproduce one child, so it's not *always* fruitless. I might make a 'silhouette image' of my wife and I, so that people can see how we compare to each other (and perhaps a horse, family car, London bus for interest etc.) in terms of stature.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:37, Reply)
Please also include Nelson's Column.Thanks.
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:39,
Reply)
Great seats?(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:40,
Reply)
This one's going to run and run, isn't it?Not unlike her hyperactive glands...
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)
Like his wife's musky arse after a hot curry?(
Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:59,
Reply)
Could someone please explain this meme to me please(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:01,
Reply)
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1068168
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Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:07,
Reply)
Ah...Anal musk, the new fragarance by Anal Klein(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:10,
Reply)
Can't I just use one of hislions on a plinth? If I use the column, everything else will be so small by comparison that the subtle differences in our thigh lengths will be all but invisible.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:55, Reply)
I adore you, Wooksie.(
Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:48,
Reply)
Yeah that's the best way to stop the jokes.everything will blow over soon after you post pics.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:30, Reply)
I ignored that fact he'd cheated on me.You can't get much more romantic than that.
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girlinthehole, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:13,
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But if we used those every time someone was sarky on OTthere would be a world shortage of parentheses, brackets and exclamation marks within three hours
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:23,
Reply)
Well I don't think one should ruin a birthday by having it on a Monday.so I'm in work today.
I've had lunch with my mate, and I'm having a drink after work, then going into pub work where I'll be bought drinks.
Dinner with mates tomorrow and Wednesday, peace on Thursday, then djtp Friday. He's taking me somewhere that's a surprise on Sunday for an overnight stay. I hope it's not Dunstable.
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:31,
Reply)
esp as monty has banned me from exclamation marks already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:24,
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Does he charge you for them or put points on your Punctuation Licence?(
Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:27,
Reply)
*dons Tina Turner wig*"Ooooooh, what's Lab got to do, got to do with it?"
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:34,
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I'm hurt by thisI expected better of you.
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Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:38,
Reply)
like the keyboard player out of the Charlatans,"it was starin' me in the fookin' faaace".
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Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:40,
Reply)
Look Blousie.It was only a spaniel, it meant NOTHING.
*Waves!*
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JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:20,
Reply)
Jeff, as a relative newbie,may I enquire as to how your, erm, colourful username came about? You didn't really nail a mutt, did you?
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:32, Reply)
The phrase is "made love to"nailed, how crude!
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:38,
Reply)
You humourously bark once in the middle of coitus and you never hear the last of it.(
girlinthehole, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:43,
Reply)
It certainly wasn't a muttfeatured at Crufts
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Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:50,
Reply)
Sorry... So, just to be clear:He 'made love' to a prize-winning pedigree dog. Well, I can't blame him for that. I think this world could use a little more crazy, romantic spontaneity.
(, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 15:09, Reply)
I gave up my chance with her, to set her up with my best friend, because I knew he'd treat her better.(
Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:30,
Reply)
Please keep this upI'm a staunch supporter of Darwinism.
(
Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 7 Feb 2011, 14:32,
Reply)
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