Thread too long.
As I am a man of my word, I asked my chum for his pizza dough recipe. It's Jamie Oliver's one:

www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pizza-recipes/pizza-dough

Question: Can you name a better newspaper headline than this one?

www.shoutingatco.ws/blog/2011/05/13/daily-sport-brides-och-aye-the-poo/

(full credit to Cancer Joy)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:50, 145 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

I'll reel out the obvious one (it's football-related Monty, you won't understand)
The day after Inverness Caledonian Thistle stuffed Celtic 3-1 (I think), the Daily Record lead with;

"Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:53, Reply)

That is THE classic football headline
If you came up with that pun you could retire
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:57, Reply)

Good to see someone other than Celtic and Rangers getting something out of Scotch footer

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:01, Reply)

For some reason, the word "Scotch" when used in place of "Scottish"
really winds me up. Like so many other things.

I'm a very angry man.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Can we have a list of the things that wind you up?
Just so we know never to refer to them again.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

This^
I wish to scotch the rumours at once
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I don't think you've got the time to read it.

( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

I get annoyed that when trying to buy a bottle of water at Smiths to take on a train or plane
they scan a copy of the Telegraph so your water costs less.

I fucking hate the Telegraph, I'd rather pay 70p more for my water.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Does it come with a free bottle of water or something?
Crappest free gift ever. Typical Tories.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Yes
It's £1 for the paper but your water is then "free"
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:12, Reply)

You know what pisses me off?
Not being able to cross the road. I don't care how fancy your new-fangled horseless carriage is, if I want to cross the road it's my right of way.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Sail before steam is the rule, I think.
But not if there's a pedestrian crossing a hundred yards away.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Granted
But there are none on my road, and I thoroughly resent having to wait to get home and crack one out any longer than absolutely necessary.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:23, Reply)

A noble concern.

( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

it's funny because it's true

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:28, Reply)

*ring ring*
"Hello, kettle? This is B3th. I'm a massive racist."
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:31, Reply)

Screw you, Bitch!
SYW.... oh.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Pervert

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

I hope you cross the road right in front of one of those fancy "horseless carriages"

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Seriously, how do they work?
There aren't even any hills in Norfolk for them to be pushed down!
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Voodoo and the tears of Nottingham Forest fans.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

fan

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:28, Reply)

Ludicrous statement
There are two Forest fans that I know of on B3ta alone
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:29, Reply)

No, no there are a few.
My ex brother in law supports them as well.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I'm glad you got out of that family
before you were sacrificed to Brian Clough.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

You make that sound like an unworthy way to die
Being drowned in whisky isn't the worst way to go, anyway
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

I'm not a religious man
The tears thing is entirely believable though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:30, Reply)

I'm still greatly amused by this one

CFB
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:56, Reply)

It's funny because "Tard" sounds a bit like "card"
which is what you normally get on your birthday, only this time the kid got a Tardis, which is an object from the popular BBC program "Doctor Who", of which the child is clearly a fan.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)

Thank you for that explanation

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:02, Reply)

As am I.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:58, Reply)

You can tell

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 9:59, Reply)

IIRC
The Daily Sport ran the headline, 'Ooh, shoots you Sir!', after the murder of Gianni Versace.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:00, Reply)

I'm starting to wonder if we're on the verge of discovering where Al gets his material from

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Fuck you, massive cunt.
There's some things you just don't say to people Darth, even on b3ta there are limits. Just stop being such a fucking cunt.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Just stop it!
You massive fucking cunt.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Just fuck off

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Bastard fucking cunt.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

BOAT cunty

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Fucking BOAT lol

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

BOAT fucking lol
cunt
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

As I was idley browsing WH Smith in Manchester Airport I spied a copy of BOAT magazine.
It made me chuckle.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:32, Reply)

Oh dear, did Darth bring up your mother's death again?

( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

ihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehimihatehim

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

I'm 99% sure that she's been talking about that one before my Dad died, and it's been 4 years for him.
Was it really 3 years ago?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:11, Reply)

She used to talk about how great her mum was as a person when she was alive
then she talked about her death.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:13, Reply)

It's one of my (many) pet hates, Gonz
My Dad's also dead, so are my grandparents. I'll be sympathetic when it happens, but if somebody's still harping on about it year after year later, they really need to man the fuck up.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:15, Reply)

I'm with you on this one sir
I'm sure it's a horrible thing to have to go through, but harping on about it on the internet isn't going to help, is it?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:20, Reply)

I think the trouble is, I had head-problems before he went, and some of them were related to him....
... but it's all to easy to blame all those head problems on them dying because it's something nobody can do anything about. Dont' get me wrong, it's pretty horrific, but it wasn't the start or end of my head problems.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

After 20 years
I still get little triggers every now and again. Usually if I'm massively stressed about something.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:29, Reply)

Oh'aye', deffo, when you see some sweets they liked or a cirtain smell goes in the air or something like that.
It won't go away 100%, but I bet it's a damn site easier than the day/week/month/year after it happened.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

Hell yeah.
The thing is it was so long ago now I can't even remember the exact date, or the exact nature of the cancer she had; only that it was fucking everywhere by the end. Is that awful?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Perfectly normal
Unless you're a maudlin, beakering attention-seeker who can't let go of any details because you can use it to get sympathy.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

Thank Christ for that.
I mean, I can remember the date that the first episode of Doctor Who was broadcast, and when my wife's birthday is, but I was worried that not being able to remember the anniversary of my Mum's death made me some kind of monster.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:40, Reply)

Can you do an impression of a monster this weekend?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:42, Reply)

Sure thing.
I'll just sleep without my mask on. Or, you could just ask me when my Mum died and HEY PRESTO!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

I really do think that is unfair, she's not beakering for sympathy
She is obviously completely messed up by it, I mean, she had a few issues before it happened, what with all the fishing and stuff, but she's completely lost it since her loss.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

You're a horrible man.
Which must make me a complete arsebadger as I lolled heartily.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

If you think that, Al
You might also want to think about being a bit kinder to her about it. Or just leaving her alone. Trolling someone for being a beakering prick I can understand, but not the other.

Unless I missed the point.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

No I think you're spot on the money there
I will just leave it alone in future.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:51, Reply)

I would just add though, to try and show that I'm not a total monster,
that I have only previously mentioned the cats and punching of strangers, I wasn't expecting such an animated response regarding her mother which I why I pointed out that she appeared to have some serious issues and then left it.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

2008 it was

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

You're right. I've crossed the line.

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I hope you get AIDS
and cancer of the ballroom.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Hahahaha!
Genuine officelol at ballroom cancer
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

He'll have to have it surgically removed.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:13, Reply)

His chin has plenty of "ball room"

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:14, Reply)

This is very good
I now feel better about my cruel DAILY SPORT jibe.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

And what seemed to be the majority of the QOTW about puns
was people stating this fact.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:03, Reply)

I believe they also speculated that 'basque' terrorists might have had something to do with it.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Law of averages at work right here.
*click*
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:11, Reply)

There was the story of some bloke buying petrol getting attacked by people with golf clubs ages ago
that resulted in the headline;

'Petrol Pump Punter in Pitch and Putt Pummelling'

Which I thought was quite good.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:02, Reply)

After the Great Fire Of London
Daily Telegraph: French Farmer's Protest Reaches London
The Scotsman: Tee hee hee
The Star: Phew! What A Scorcher!
Yorkshire Evening Post: Leeds Man Singed
The Guardian: London's Burping - Police Suspect Arse
And on page 8 of the Guardian, yesterday's headline Paula, to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren", should have read "St Pauls, to be reconstructed by Christ knows when"
Financial Times: Capital Goes Up
The People: Phew! What A Scorcher!
Insurance Weekly: Oh Bugger
The Lancet: Plague Cure A Success
The Mirror: Thames Water Chief Justifies Bonus At Last
The Sport: Elvis Seen In Pudding Lane
The News of the World: Phew! What A Scorcher!

Stolen from ISIHAC
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:02, Reply)

...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:03, Reply)

- - -

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

_____ ________ _______________________

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

*fetches crash trolley*

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Good luck finding his heart

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Like it. Particularly the Yorkshire Evening Post one.

( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:04, Reply)

I do hope you didn't go to the trouble of typing that embarrassing heap of shit out yourself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Copy and paste

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

I'm sure this is very funny
but on the few occasions that I take a paper, it's usually the Independent. So I'm afraid this joke is rather lost on me.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

I use Gary Mehigan's pizza dough recipe.
Always works out amazing.

And no, I can't.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:05, Reply)

Morning/Evening Poppet
you chaps must have some trashy red top pumping out salacious gossip and pun-tastic headlines?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

well yeah, but I don't read it.
I listen to the news on the ABC broadcast and that's about it.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

African Bum Cleaners have their own news station over there?
That's very progressive.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:10, Reply)

They also untie their bennies every sunday to let them have a run around.

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:11, Reply)

yep, right next to ... ah fuck it I can't be arsed to think something up.
How're you?
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:12, Reply)

FINE, THANKS!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

SKILL

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:13, Reply)

kevinallman.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/04/01/picture_2.png
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:07, Reply)

www.guardian.co.uk/media/mediamonkeyblog/2009/sep/01/express-ant-dec-headline-error
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

Hahaha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:10, Reply)

This will always have a place in my heart
seriouslulz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/1242885695307-570x733.jpg
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:08, Reply)

I love this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:10, Reply)

So indefatigably Scottish
it almost hurts.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:11, Reply)

+terrorist shit driving doctors I think

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:13, Reply)

I've never seen that one before
Brilliant!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:14, Reply)

I do love that one

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Oh man, I love that.

( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Many thanks for that
(it was the one I used anyway - and it was fantastic)
(berk, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:09, Reply)

Alright?

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:15, Reply)

Get yourself a piece of granite to put in the oven
And cook your pizza on that.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:19, Reply)

THIIIIS
(It's what my father does)
He makes amazing bread.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:25, Reply)

YES!
Excellent tip, Sainsburys do a great granite *Worktop Saver* that fits perfectly on an oven rack.

www.sainsburys.co.uk/sol/shop/home_and_garden/kitchen/kitchenaccessories/choppingboards/108255021_different_by_design_granite_worktop_saver.html?hnav=4294929794
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:30, Reply)

moblog.net/media/c/e/r/ceri/best-headline-ever.JPG
(PsychoChomp, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Is that Kroney?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:16, Reply)

I used to know a girl called Jo Whippy
who's father was obviously Mr Whippy. This made me giggle a lot as a teenager
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Did he give her a "99"?
(Like a 69 but 30 worse.)
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Surely a '99' is just bumming them?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

You might be right, thinking about it...
Well, did he?
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:36, Reply)

Looks more like spooning to me.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)

You didn't know Mr Whippy
he's not the kind of bloke to settle for a bit spooning when there is the possibilty of some anal action.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:38, Reply)

But surely
if your dad really loves you, he'll spoon you after? Then buy you a pony.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:43, Reply)

It's not love
It's just buying your silence.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

^ voice of bitter experience from b3ta's Mr Pond Water here

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

He just can't afford to shell out for a pony

( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:46, Reply)

I'M STILL WAITING FOR MY PONY

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:48, Reply)

pony reach around.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:50, Reply)

That as well, the selfish bastard...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:53, Reply)

I use my dad's RECIPE YOU SICK FUCKS
Fresh yeast, pound of flour, half a pint of water, and buckets of olive oil. A bit of salt, and no sugar needed as the yeast doesn't need activating.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:26, Reply)

How do you harvest his yeast?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:27, Reply)

You don't want to know

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:28, Reply)

By sitting in the airing cupboard
wearing thick tights and keeping her legs crossed, I'd wager.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:33, Reply)

POTD!!!!

(Bazongaloid, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

Hahahaha, like Lampito's thighs have ever touched each other.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

sub-click click

( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Pfffft.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

haha!

( girlinthehole, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:34, Reply)

haha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

Well done
-sulks-
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

Best headline:
soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=337901&cc=5739

Beats other football ones into a cocked hanky, I'm sure you'll agree.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:35, Reply)

For the benefit of those unable to access links at work:
Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief.

That is classic.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:37, Reply)

haha!
I checked the date that was posted first. Unbelievable Jeff
( Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:40, Reply)

I've just nommed an entire wedge of overripe Cambazola.
I feel a bit odd.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:41, Reply)

I'm guessingthat's cheese.
It sounds fucking disgusting.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

It was so ripe, the blue bits felt like lumps in the cheese.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:44, Reply)

You disgust me.
And that's coming form someone who's seen an OAP naked.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 27 May 2011, 10:45, Reply)

Sorry, I didn't realise my webcam was still on.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:47, Reply)

Granthamlols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:47, Reply)

*sucks finger*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:49, Reply)

In this subthread
This is the part that has made me feel ill.
( Kroney, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:50, Reply)

^ this from the man with a fridge full of turds of varying sizes...

(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:56, Reply)

*loses breakfast all over keyboard*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 27 May 2011, 10:50, Reply)