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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
Pages: Latest, 837, 836, 835, 834, 833, ... 1

« Go Back | Popular

Maxims for life.
Make up (or put a new twist on a classic) saying; a little piece of homely advice to help people in life. Or one that makes a spiteful joke out of other people's problems for the purposes of 'LOL'.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:49, 349 replies, latest was 15 years ago)
Life is like a shit sandwich.
The more bread you've got, the less shit you eat.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)
you'd only get proportionally less shit in this situation
the absolute shit consumption levels remain the same.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:51, Reply)
That is true.
But it would taste like less shit.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
Less shit is still shit

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
However the overall effect of diluting the stool with bread
means that whilst one might be munching on a turdy baguette for longer, it's a great deal more palatable. Even more so if you add fried onions and mustard.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
if only the late Divine had thought of that.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
He was a card wasn't he?
Answer: no, not really.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)
Do you have any French ancestry?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
Actually yes.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
His bank account has Greek ancestry

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)
Thought so.
With your champignons and your baguettes and your fried onions.

I knew you were one of "them".
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)
One of those durty forriners that he's always on about, you mean?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)
He is coming out of the closet today
Dressed in a black and white striped top with a beret, I'll wager
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:04, Reply)
And sporting an outrageous accent, no doubt.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:05, Reply)
Thet is nut ma minky

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:05, Reply)
Stinking of garlic.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Northerners in taking the piss out of outrageous accents lols!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:08, Reply)
*Northern fist-bumps*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:09, Reply)
*Spills pint*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:10, Reply)
*calls outside*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:11, Reply)
A pint and a fight.
The old traditions need to be kept alive.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
*leaves coat at home*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:14, Reply)
Are you kidding?
It's fucking pissing down, you'll catch your death, man!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)
He hasn't surrendered as yet

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:03, Reply)
Let us ask our resident scatologist, Kroney

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
One in the hand is worth two in Kate Bush.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)
I'd never put one in Kate Bush
The freaky, leotard wearing, crazy dancing muppet
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Would!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:06, Reply)
Her and Elton John used to terrify me as a kid when they were on TV

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
^ clearly a queer ^

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
She looks fucking mental!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:08, Reply)
Awww. Is the nancyboy scared of the ickul shouty lady?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)

yes
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
I dig crazy chicks.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:30, Reply)
I made a very funny joke in the pub the other day, everyone on here would have laughed.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)
Was it about statistics?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:51, Reply)
A girl walked past the beer garden a bit unsteady in her massive heels,
one of my friends said, "don't you think you should learn to walk in shoes before going out in them?"
I said: "bitches be trippin'"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
Hahahaha!
*points finger guns*
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Not bad

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Hahah I like it

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
8 out of 10 jokes usually are.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Thanks Jimmy

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Hahahhaa!
Oh sorry, I was in a different pub
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:51, Reply)
If in doubt, post 'em a botdog.


There's one for you.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:51, Reply)
West Ham have a similar one
If in doubt, knock him out.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
If in doubt, give it a clout

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Apart from strokes, which leave you needing someone to wipe your arse
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
Or bullets

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:54, Reply)
Or cock cancer

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
Or Polio

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:56, Reply)
The disease with the hole

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:57, Reply)
Spina Bifida?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:03, Reply)
zing!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:04, Reply)
On dating '2nd time around'...
Single, hot, sane - pick any 2.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:52, Reply)
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
I inform my colleagues of this on a regular basis.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)
Are eagles unable to fly in the presence of turkeys?
Is it some kind of performance anxiety?
Or do they just find the turkeys bootiful?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
With all the turkeys gathered around them
it's difficult for them to stretch out their wings to enable them to take off. Sheesh.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:59, Reply)
What a shit eagle
Eagles should kick the fuck out of a turkey. You have gay eagles
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:00, Reply)
It's a metaphor
And my eagles aren't gay. They're just fussy about who they mate with.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:04, Reply)
GAY

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:04, Reply)
They're just waiting until they meet the right eagless.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:06, Reply)
GAY

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:09, Reply)
I know you are - but what am I?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:11, Reply)
YEAH I DID IT.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:11, Reply)

IT Darth
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:12, Reply)
Do the turkeys regularly 'gobble' round the back of the canteen?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
No, that's BGB earning her £50

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
*snigger*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:08, Reply)
Don't buy 'Informer' by Snow, for it is a pile of unmitigated wank.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:54, Reply)
*leaky bum lols*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:55, Reply)
If the world were an Orange
it would be much to small you know
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:57, Reply)
They would still get a shit signal
/Vodalols
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:59, Reply)
Neil
There seems to be a few people on here who found that Young Ones book very inspirational.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:06, Reply)
It was waaay funnier than the show.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:11, Reply)
I love that book
Monty is right, the show hasn't aged well at all and the book is better.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
The phrase 'they don't like it up 'em' is not always necessarily the case.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
They were asking for it!
THEY WERE ALL ASKING FOR IT!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
Those randy Romanian orphans.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)
paedaeu

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)
This deserved a reply

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
Are you applying this to fuzzy wuzzies?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
If at first you don't succeed, kill yourself.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:58, Reply)
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving may not be for you

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence
but it's still covered in dog shit.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:59, Reply)
What doesn't kill you
makes a good anecdote
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 14:59, Reply)
That is actually quite a good one!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)
it's one I live by
it involves doing stupid shit just so I'll have good stories to tell and telling terrible stories because, hey, I didn't die
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)
I like this

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:03, Reply)
In the land of the blind, trousers are optional.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:01, Reply)
I love this.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)
and the one eyed man is a perve

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)
Slight threadjack
did anyone see the soldier's bit on Top Gear? They were talking about some guy who was blinded and was a massive Man Utd fan. They swapped his Man Utd shirts for Liverpool ones
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)
Yes.
Those squaddies are a scream.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:03, Reply)
The guy that had "only" lost a foot
The other more severely injured guys were saying it was a "flesh wound" and a "scratch".
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:06, Reply)
Actually, I did admire their attitude and the challenge they set themselves.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Me too.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:10, Reply)
I thought they were cunts.
Well, I'm sure I would have if I'd have seen it. But then if I'd have been watching it, that would have made me a bigger cunt than them.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:14, Reply)
"made me a bigger cunt"
You misunderestimate yourself!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
I fear the world would break were Monty to watch Top Gear

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)
No point.
He couldn't afford a car anyway.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
That's both cruel and brilliant at the same time.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
I think it should be pointed out he was temporarily blinded
and they were aware, I think, that he would recover his sight

Otherwise, it's a bit ... harsh.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:10, Reply)
I'm not sure they did know!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
one of them said something like
"so when his sight recovered..." ... I took that to mean they had a good idea it would happen, but you might be right. Squaddies, eh? lovable intolerant borderline psychopaths.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Dont forget the racism

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)
The one-eyed man wanking like his life depends on it is (Jonathan) King

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:03, Reply)
The meek will inherit fuck all apart from rickets and poor lung function.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:02, Reply)
One small step for man...a taxi ride for Ronnie Corbett

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:05, Reply)
"why piss around?"
why have a half when you can have a pint? why have a single when you can have a double? why snog when you can shag?

lather, rinse, repeat.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
Good plan swipe!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:08, Reply)
this is my mantra

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:12, Reply)
Is that an invitation?
*lathers up*
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:09, Reply)
snogging is awesome though
I'd rather snog than fuck any day.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
both please
if his cock and tongue are hard and deep at the same time, that....... works rather well, i think.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:14, Reply)
*whimpers*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
*fwaps*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
*dreams*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:20, Reply)
*drops monocle*
I say!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
*orders new dildo*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:24, Reply)
I hope you don't mean in the some hole at the same time.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:32, Reply)
Schooldays are the best of your life. FACT.
Teenage suicides would approach 100% and we could start over with the next generation. Make them our slaves.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:07, Reply)
I'm going out now, I may be some time...
You know what Tesco is like at this time!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:08, Reply)
This 'northern humour' of yours is, err, shit.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:09, Reply)
Interestingly, I'm quoting southerners.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:12, Reply)
It's not that interesting.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
If you can't find it, grind it.
Applicable to gear sticks and the clitoris.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:09, Reply)
I was thinking about pepper
and how this would work. Perhaps it means 'if you can't find the pepper pot, find pepper corns and mash the fuck out of them'
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
when life gives you lemons use them to take lemon drops

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:10, Reply)
when life hands you lemons
fuck the lemons and bail
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
When life gives you lemons, tell life to fuck off.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
I like lemons.
If life gave me lemons I would say "Thank you very much, life. These are very nice lemons. Would you like a g & t?"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
that, too
I was assuming life was providing lemons in a scenario where lemons were unwanted.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)
I am finding it hard to imagine such a scenario.
Perhaps if I were naked and covered head to toe in paper cuts.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:18, Reply)
like 10,000 lemons when all you need is a lime?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
ironic

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:20, Reply)
bollocks. Poor citrus management at best.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
i love lime
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
People who put lime in a gin and tonic should have a meathook stuck in their navels and be hung over a slurry pit.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
unlucky.
as that's one of the very few food-or-drink-based areas where you and I differ, Shambles, and I'm not up for being meathooked yet.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:25, Reply)
people who put schweppes tonic in a gin and tonic
deserve to be fired from a rusty cannon into a pit of shite however.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
For years I thought I hated Gin and Tonic
Then I discovered I hate tonic, So it's neat Gin for me! I do put a slice of lime in it though.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:45, Reply)
See your smashed up face?
That's god punishing you for ruining G&T.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
maybe so, maybe so.
But lime is a better complement to certain gins IMO.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:31, Reply)
I'd rather have lime than 'slimline' tonic.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
I refuse to accept that slimline tonic is a real thing.
It depresses me too much.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:30, Reply)
if "the number of calories in your drink"
is a serious consideration you need to lock yourself in a box until you are quite, quite dead.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:32, Reply)
*fistbump of correctness*
You're still a lime-queer.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:45, Reply)
I wouldn't put it in nice gin
but for standard Gordon's gin it's okay
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)


(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
unless you distilled it yourself from rotten potatoes
the quality of the tonic matters way more than the gin. Anything with an artificial sweetner in it is a fucking travesty. That means not only is anything slimline out, but so is UK Schweppes full-fat tonic. As are most supermarket tonics. Sainsburys and Waitrose are the exceptions, and Tesco Finest tonic is OK.

If you're spending more than £15 a bottle on your gin, use Fever Tree. I cannot understand people who'll spend £30 on a bottle of Hendricks or T10 and then put cheap tonic in.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:57, Reply)
I can understand
it's because they don't give a shit.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:04, Reply)
well clearly they do give a shit, or else why buy expensive gin?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:24, Reply)
Why do people ruin Gin by mixing it with anything?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:02, Reply)
when life gives you lemons
throw lemons at shit until you feel better
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)

lemon drops gin

Are you some grade of lunatic?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:14, Reply)
gin is not made from lemons
silly shambolic
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
"take"

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)
I don't drink liquor so I couldn't figure out what to say
but lemonade is gross so I didn't want to go with that
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:20, Reply)
Lemonade is one of the things that the US does better than the UK.
Most lemonade over here is fizzy sub-7up crap. Proper home-made girl scout lemonade is a thing of beauty.

This possibly makes me a paedophile.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:23, Reply)
If it does, then fuck it, I'm one too.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
I've never actually seen a lemonade stand.
Some boys ripped off me and my mates once when we tried it.
They said they'd bring us the money and they never did. Twats.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
When life gives you lemons
make a delicious Sicilian dessert.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:16, Reply)

"All right, I've been thinking. When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back. GET MAD! I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMONS! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?! DEMAND TO SEE LIFE'S MANAGER! Make life RUE the day it thought it could give CAVE JOHNSON LEMONS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I'M THE MAN WHO'S GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN! WITH THE LEMONS! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that's gonna BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN!"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:18, Reply)
are you channeling Gonz?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
It's one of the best quotes from popular computer game Portal 2.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:20, Reply)
that's a massive stretch in the use of the word "popular"

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
3 million copies sold, with an estimated revenue of $56 million, combined meta critic score of 95/100
www.gamasutra.com/view/news/35402/Newell_Portal_2_Has_Sold_3_Million_Copies.php
It was and is a very very popular game.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
unlike the people who play it

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
hahaha!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:29, Reply)
i wouldn't waste my life even clicking on the link
but is that website really a pun on kama sutra? like anyone who spends their life playing computer games would know what THAT was.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:30, Reply)
Oh they've seen it
they just think it's weird Manga rather than one of the oldest instruction manuals on earth
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:34, Reply)
critical acclaim doesn't make it popular
but, yeah, OK then.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:30, Reply)
True, but it's a lot closer linked in gaming than other media,
people are more likely to read reviews before shelling out £30-£50 rather than the tenner for a film
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
I think both Portal games are ace

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
Bones heal, chicks dig scars, pain is temporary, glory is forever*


*TMB enterprises do not guarantee that all chicks will dig all scars, buyers should be aware that some pain can be permanent and that the value of your glory may go down as well as up
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
You are Keanu Reeves in The Replacements
AICMFreedom to mock you for quoting a shit film
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:22, Reply)
really?
I've no idea where it came from. a group of us who used to mountain bike, ski and sail together adopted it as an "ironic" slogan.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:24, Reply)
I seriously doubt that film was the first to use it
It was just the first instance I thought of
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
Or the daredevil in the Simpsons

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
"Get out of my way, you shambling, patchouli-scented fuck. Don't pretend you don't know what to drink. You're obviously going to order half a cider and black and cradle it for the rest of the night."
"And if you reach into that fucking purse and start counting out those coppers I swear I will peel off your face as slowly as I possibly can."
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:13, Reply)
Succinct

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Brevity is for the breathless.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:15, Reply)
Or asthmatic internet-obsessed lonely fat virgins

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)
I was being succinct.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
Fatty

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:20, Reply)
*wibbles*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:21, Reply)
wht?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
yr mms slty sntch

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:24, Reply)
Oh dear lord it's like you see right through me, like, deep into my soul.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:25, Reply)
I DON'T HAPPEN TO LIKE DRINK BUT I HATE BEING A CUNT WHO LOOKS LIKE HE DOESN'T DRINK SO I ORDER THE CLOEST THING TO RIBEENA I CAN 'CUS I LIKE RIBEENA

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:25, Reply)
I HAVE A COIN PURSE FILLED WITH COINS, I CAN'T EVEN USE MY WALLET TO SCAN ON THE OYSTER CARD BECAUSE THE COINS HAVE MADE IT TOO THICK....
... SO I DON'T WANT TO BREAK A NOTE AND GET EVEN MORE COINS
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
I could see you as a goth.
Crimpers probably wouldn't work on your fabulous hebrew hair, but you've got the pasty flabby thing down perfect.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
I just googled "jewish goth" and found this, NSFW.
blogue.us/2009/05/12/dickface-twins-part-2-starring-fat-jew-nsfw/
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
:(

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
Oh lordy
blogue.us/2009/04/06/dickface-twins-the-nose-knows/
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
that's some classy art

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:29, Reply)
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man can play some brilliant practical jokes
And we'd all be very disappointed if he relinquished this opportunity
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)
Keep your nose clean and your powder dry
still true but with a very different meaning to the original.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)
I have a copy of this book:
adiligentobserver.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/russian-proverbs/
which contains such gems as "Beat your wife with the butt end of an axe - if she falls to the floor and cries, she is fooling you, give her some more"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:17, Reply)
*nods sagely*
Tru dat, tru dat.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:19, Reply)
A friend in need
is a fucking scrounger
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:24, Reply)
I like the fact that the daily mail are sending liz jones so similaria to cover the famin.
Tee Hee Eee, best. Trolling. Ever.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:24, Reply)
"similaria"?
That's 9oNzish even for you.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:25, Reply)
ohlol
twitter.com/#!/LizJonesSomalia
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Don't forget to wash under your lid
you never know when you might get lucky.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:25, Reply)
nice

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:26, Reply)
Don't flan fling Rupert Murdoch
Or you'll get six weeks inside!

And his little chinky wife will give you a right hander.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
lol casual racism is dead edgy and that

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
I like it.
But only casually.

Some of my best friends are actually Chinese.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:30, Reply)
Gay ones, at that.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:32, Reply)

Chinese racist
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Don't get Swipe started

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Gay racists?
Interesting.

Chinky is no more racist and meant in no way to be more offensive than calling someone bent, or a cunt.

Apologies to our younger viewers.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:36, Reply)
^ spoken like a true bent cunt.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:38, Reply)
+chinky

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:39, Reply)
I know!!!!
That was so gay!

Racism and allegation thereof are quite a prickly issue. Anything else and I wouldn't give a fuck.

I'm off to cruise for a piece of ass.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:41, Reply)
LOLbent.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:42, Reply)
I disagree
same as "Paki" it's a word that's been historically misappropriated as a term of abuse and therfore to use it regardless of whether you think it's racist or not, is minefield territory. Cunt is just a term of abuse, it's not directed against a criterion that you can't change such as your race.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:41, Reply)
It's not the same as Paki as it originally referred to takeaways.
But I know what you mean.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:42, Reply)
No it didn't.
It's a derogatory term for Chinese that dates back to the Victorians. You daft twat.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:44, Reply)
People have been calling the Chinese Chinks and Chinkys for a long longer than we have had commonplace chinese takeaways

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:44, Reply)
I thought Cunt was a racial slur against Bono
He can't help being a cunt, its just what he is,
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:43, Reply)
this assumes that Bono is part of a race
rather than being a giant walking turd
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:44, Reply)
I thought he was part of a race of giant walking turds
called Cunts
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
you may be right
I will consult the Royal Academy
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
Do we at least we agree he is infact a Cunt?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
we do

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
But you'll always be a cunt.
Does that make a difference?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:46, Reply)
I'm a cunt through choice
therefore if you wish to abuse me for it, that's fine.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
But what about if you can't help being a cunt?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:50, Reply)
you can always help being a cunt.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:52, Reply)
Are you pretending not to understand the difference between casual racism and insults like "cunt"?
Or are you genuinely thick?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:42, Reply)
Let's not start pissing up the IQ pole.
Any further explanation will be mealy mouthed and disingenuous on my part.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:45, Reply)
The pole? You're barely pissing in the trough.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:49, Reply)
That means all the more coming from you.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:52, Reply)
Life's too short
Unless you compare it in length to everything else you will ever know
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:27, Reply)
Even my penis?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
^ Words of wisdom from a man living in a town populated by inbred dwarves

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:28, Reply)
They're not dwarves as a rule
Apart from the ones on their knees noshing off their brothers
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:31, Reply)
Is that not normally you?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Don't be ridiculous
I don't have a brother
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:34, Reply)
You could be noshing off their brothers though

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Not the done thing to nosh off a non-relation
Not round these 'ere parts
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:36, Reply)
he who laughs last
didn't get the joke
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:29, Reply)
He who laughs last
has been told a joke by PsychoChomp and didn't want to cause offence
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:32, Reply)
who would give a fuck about offending him?
apart from his mum, maybe.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:59, Reply)
Those who have only just met him
and spent too little time in his company to establish what a horrible cunt he is.

2-3 seconds, max.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:01, Reply)
have you seen photograps?
there is nobody in this category.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:28, Reply)
Good point
Well made
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:46, Reply)
a little bit of pain never hurt anyone

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:31, Reply)
This coming from a man who would probably be useful in a scrap,
but whose rationale for avoiding them is "I don't like pain"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:32, Reply)
my rationale for avoiding fights is because I'm a coward
not because I don't like pain.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
What is it that inspires such cowardice?
Is it fear of getting hurt?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
it's fear of someone else getting hurt

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Yeah, me too

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:35, Reply)
testosterone overload!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:39, Reply)
Convincing testosterone, too

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:40, Reply)
It SO isn't

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:40, Reply)
That was SO gay

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:42, Reply)
You are SO gay

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:46, Reply)
Your face is etc etc

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:52, Reply)
Your mum...

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:54, Reply)
It's very telling that we can't even be bothered to flesh this out

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:57, Reply)
There is a Shakin' Stevens song for EVERY occasion.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:31, Reply)
...as long as you are talking about the entrances to houses and their colour

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:32, Reply)
when everybody is dead, it doesn't matter where you park

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:33, Reply)
Are you STILL crapping on about that fucking van?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:40, Reply)
that had nothing to do with a van

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:41, Reply)
There you go again talking about your van

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:42, Reply)
I will destroy you

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:44, Reply)
have you got a van?
Do you need parking sensors to park it?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:45, Reply)
not yet
no
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
Vangence will be yours?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:46, Reply)
I like this

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:46, Reply)
I also like it

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
I bet I can guess your favourite band.
Van Halen.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
ha!
it's Van Morrison!
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
see below
Van Morrison isn't a fucking band.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
I also like the Vandals
both as a band and as a tribe
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:49, Reply)
so's your face!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:50, Reply)
I prefer Bread Van 3000 and their solitary hit
Drinking in L.A.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:49, Reply)
Bran Van 3000 genius
They were fucking shit
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:54, Reply)
Probably why i couldnt remember their name!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:55, Reply)
That and the gross stupidity, yes
I'm going to be nice to you and allow you to invoke "I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a while"
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:59, Reply)
cheers
*passes out*
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:01, Reply)
I bet I can guess your favourite famously-grumpy Irish singer.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
What about his favourite pseudo cockney actor?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:50, Reply)
And his preferred brand of skate shoe?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
actually I think Vans are shit as skate shoes go

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:52, Reply)
I tried skating in Vans
Lasted about a long as if I were skating in shoes made of newspaper on a rainy day
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
even for not skating they aren't very good

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:54, Reply)
I don't skate in anything that doesn't have a stitched on sole, A lot of supposed skate shoes are glued on and shit.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:02, Reply)

don't skate masturbate in anything that doesn't have a stitched on sole thumb, A lot of supposed skate shoes oven gloves are glued on and shit.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:06, Reply)
1/10
could do better.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:07, Reply)
HA! I MEANT 'ETNIES'!!!!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:57, Reply)
you'd be right
I have a couple of pairs at the moment
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:11, Reply)
I bet I can guess your favourite Brian Wilson lyric collaborator

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:50, Reply)
can you guess my favourite film about someone calling themselves a 'Party Liaison'?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
Your Favourite stain remover?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:52, Reply)
how about my favourite static electricity generator?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
Favorite type of vehicle

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:55, Reply)
THE WINNER.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:56, Reply)
I was about to post
Favourite kind of vehicle used for transporting goods or groups of people. But I was too slow and now you have all the glory
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:59, Reply)
Ahem
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1304158
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:04, Reply)
Oh wait, wait! I've got one...
Ah shit
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:04, Reply)
Exactly!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:06, Reply)
Favourite Vampire Hunter movie
With Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:54, Reply)
Or your favourite one-eared menkle artist?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
TOP TIP: Jokes you make should be funny to other people.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
I should have mentioned 'Portal 2' - I realise that now. Thanks bro.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:56, Reply)
There are THREE MILLION lurkers lolling at that right now.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:58, Reply)
Hang on?
Has Vippers bought a Van or something?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:00, Reply)
Yes captain insight.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:03, Reply)
I believe that that is a car of the Hybrid variety actually
What van does he have?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:04, Reply)
Hmmm it wasn't made very clear. It not like everyone's been going on about it

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:06, Reply)
Oh shut up about Katie fucking Melua for one minute will you?
You're as bad as cuntface up there with his stupid van.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:43, Reply)
Van?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:01, Reply)
Second Place is First Loser

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:35, Reply)
Michael McIntyre is an unfunny cunt
Am writing this in the hope of being declared a visionary by future generations documenting historical artefacts
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:43, Reply)
you should ballroom dance your way onto Britain's Got talent and attack him with your nails

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:45, Reply)
I like this idea
but for the lack of imagination. I'd stand over him and demand he make me laugh, and following his inevitable failure to do so I'd rip off his head, fuck the hole and then shit down it.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
The best things in life are free...
but I heard BGB charges £50
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:44, Reply)
No I charge less.
I did four punters for £50.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:46, Reply)
you shouldn't advertise that
no one's going to want it after 4 guys have punted you in it
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
ahahaha

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:55, Reply)
Winna!
*counts coppers
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:47, Reply)
I'll do you for nowt. *winks*

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:49, Reply)
Get your goggles love I'm coming up North!

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:51, Reply)
WooHoo!
*douches*
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:53, Reply)
£25 BOGOF?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
WIGIG

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 15:48, Reply)
horn blows, does the driver

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:07, Reply)
Oh, typical
I've turned up at the end of a thread again, have I?

Where's everyone fucked off to?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:45, Reply)
The secret board for cool, popular people.
(I've just popped in from there to tell you this, of course)
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:46, Reply)
I can't believe you didn't scream when you jumped.
I think I watched your video like three times yesterday, it gave me the fear.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:48, Reply)
Everyone said I would
and I'm contrary, so I didn't. Also, there was really no need to scream.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:49, Reply)
Where is this video?
I should like to view such a thing.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:50, Reply)
It's on my face space.
I'm not putting it on here because it will be mercilessly mocked. However, feel free to 'face' me if you want.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:51, Reply)
that would surely involve me friending everyone called Beth in Weston super Mare.
I cannot think of a single way that could end badly...
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:56, Reply)
Especially since "her" name is Simon.

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:58, Reply)
If you're friends with any other b3tans
many of them will have me as a common friend.

Or should that be friend in common?
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:59, Reply)
I'm not.
Well, only the ones I've actually met. And not even all of those.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:01, Reply)
How much did you raise in the end?

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:02, Reply)
£235
There are some AMAZINGLY generous people out there!


(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:08, Reply)
There certainly are.
Just wait till Monty asks you to pay his mortgage for a few months.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 17:10, Reply)
amateurwives.co.uk

(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:52, Reply)
^this
is why it's not going on here.
(, Tue 2 Aug 2011, 16:53, Reply)

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