Me and my big...
...mouth.

I was awakened at half two this morning by a screaming daughter convinced of creepy crawlies in her bed. Wouldn't get back into bed for love nor money* and allowing her to get in with me is STRICTLY VERBOTEN so I had to sit up for an hour until she dropped off again in the sitting room. All because (I think) the last thing I said to her related to bed bugs, biting and not allowing the former to do the latter.

When was the last time your STUPID FUCKING GOB got you into trouble? What happened?

Alt: Good day. Good day? I have to train a monosyllabic teenager. Wonderful. Still, maybe he can get me some 'M-kat' or 'Ivory Wave'. I must remember to ask.

*clearly in my case just a turn of phrase, unless perhaps she'd have accepted an IOU...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:19, 208 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

All the time. I can't think of a single day in the last few years when my gob hasn't got me in to grief.
The highlight being when I told my father-in-law he was a cunt who should "wind his fucking neck in" when I was pissed on scotch last Christmas day.

Alt: I am in an excellent mood for a change, so I am anticipating it to be an excellent day.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:26, Reply)

Alt: I shall do everything in my power to ruin your day.
My first move will be to video-call you whilst I'm having a poo.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:28, Reply)

* permanently turns off skype *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:31, Reply)

*projects 20' live-action poo footage onto wall opposite Chateau Battered*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:32, Reply)

* closes curtains and hides under duvet just to be sure *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:34, Reply)

*sends large high-resolution colour prints of poo scenes round by courier*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:35, Reply)

* gouges eyes out with a spoon to avoid the risk of seeing anything related to Monty's dung funnel *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:37, Reply)

*sneaks up and deposits eyeball-sized spheres of poo into Battered's bleeding sockets*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:39, Reply)

*sings 'Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Poo'*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:40, Reply)

* kills self *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:43, Reply)

My work here is done.
Right! Who's next?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:44, Reply)

hi monty boyce may i just say you appear to be in fine fettel this morning? you are you know

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

It hasn't recently, but it will again soon, no doubt
Alt: Fuck off.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:32, Reply)

No - YOU fuck off.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:35, Reply)

OK
*fucks off*

Morning Monty, how are we? Aside from the huge foot-in-mouthness, of course.

I'm fucking shattered.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:40, Reply)

Knackered but OK.
Friday is here. But a Friday preceding levels of skintness I have not experienced since I was a student. Hey ho.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:41, Reply)

I'm in the same boat, only a few quid to my name
I'd budgeted fairly well this month, but one night and one purchase sent it all sideways. The night in question, I went a little (£25) over the budget I'd set myself.

And the purchase was a razor, as the cleaner knocked my one into the bath, breaking the handle on it. Bitch.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:45, Reply)

You should have docked the cost from the cleaner's wages.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:50, Reply)

Wages?
She's an illegal immigrant he keeps locked in a cupboard, whose only remuneration is the crumbs from AA's plate when he has finished eating.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:54, Reply)

Cleaning agency hired by the leasing agency
Absolutely fucking useless.

They'll spend 45 minutes tidying up a bathroom that only one person uses, and they'll still manage to do a shit job of it. If you've left a little mess in the kitchen, they'll move it into the dining room. That's an improvement from when they used to move it into the cellar.

And I don't mean shitloads of stuff all over the place, I mean if I've cooked my breakfast, had to leave in a hurry, but left my stuff in soak, they've taken it out and moved it before.

Add to that the fact that quite a lot of stuff has gone missing in the time they've been cleaning, and we're not too fond of them. I'm alright, I only lost a poker set and Twister, my housemate has just had his iPod and dock stolen.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:01, Reply)

Cleaners are always shit
It is a shit job.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:08, Reply)

Comes with the rent
Mentioned it to the leasing agency, they said they'd have a word. In other words, "Shut up and fuck off".

They're fucking useless there, it's why another tenant and I have organised a meeting with the owner of the house and leasing agency.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:54, Reply)

100% of leasing agencies are unhelpful useless cunts. FACT.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:55, Reply)

It started well when the new girl started there, she was really helpful, and would always reply to any queries, let us know what was going on with the house, etc
Then she changed our Sky and Broadband package without asking. Now, I'm aware it sounds pissy, but considering that Sky TV is promised as part of the house, and they had no good reason to change it, this was a pisstake.

Turns out she'd not actually bothered to look into the changeover at all, her Dad had just swapped to BT broadband and TV, she liked the look of it, and so changed the houses over without asking anyone.

Fortunately, a couple of us convinced her to change her mind, but still, to go ahead with a change that would conflict with their own contract without asking us is a pisstake.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:05, Reply)

We used to use a management company to look after the shared parts of the building, grounds, payment of service charges etc.
Trying to get any response from them to do anything was a joke and they were charging £400 a month to basically do fuck all. We fired them and now we manage it between the residents.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Don't blame you!
I'm not too happy also, as my rent has just gone up. It's not a shock, I knew it was coming, but it's always a bit irritating to know you're a little more out of pocket for the exact same product.

My concern now is when they'll raise it again.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

Check your contract. They should only be able to increase the rent once a year and by no more than a set %

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Last time I checked, I noticed they wouldn't raise it in the first year, and they raise it according to rate of inflation
So mines just gone up 5.3%. However, they've said that's the rate from 1st December, and as I pay earlier than that, I'm considering just paying my old rate for this month.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)

One of the hardest things about being a parent is keeping your fool mouth shut.
I'm gradually getting better at biting my tongue when there is a funny or inappropriate response to something my son says, but the place where I lack control the most is in the car.
It took my son a while to learn that most of the talking (ranting) I do in the car is not to him, but to other drivers. By age 3 he had learned enough about sarcasm to realise that a lot of what I say to them is the opposite of what I mean.
And the swearing? That is the hardest - My first warning came when he was two and we had hit an unexpected wall of traffic - a little voice perked up from the back: "Say 'fucking'" - I was most ashamed.
Most recently, having avoided a collision with someone I turned my head to shout FUCK OFF out of the window and just about managed to catch it and mangle it into "for God's sake". I think I got away with that one...
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:44, Reply)

My dad used to say 'Ffffff fiddlesticks' when he hit his hammer with a thumb

( broadsword, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:52, Reply)

My brother's one was always "Shhhhhh-ine a light"

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:54, Reply)

I called your dad a cunt when he hit my thumb with a hammer.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Or possibly it was his thumb he hit with a hammer, that would make more sense

( broadsword, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:55, Reply)

Haha
Didn't even notice that.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:56, Reply)

Morning all
I have nothing to contribute to this question, so I'm just going to sit here and make snide comments when I feel driven to do so.

Pretty much the same as usual really.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:44, Reply)

OMFG TWINS!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:55, Reply)

You've always felt like a brother to me Rory Lyons.
A younger, annoying, "god I'd wish he'd go away brother but I'm scared I'd realise I missed him", but a brother nonetheless.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:57, Reply)

I always wanted an older brother who looked like a slightly yellow moby so that I could swapsie my spare 2000ad comics, AND NOW I CAN!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:02, Reply)

Coffee meet monitor, monitor meet coffee

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:08, Reply)

You keep your grubby little mitts off my 2000AD comics.
And stop stealing from my change jar too, while we're at it.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Monty, new Super Mario comes out today, you gonna pick it up?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:45, Reply)

I'm gonna 'pick it up like a yout' who find some mo-nee'

Name that tune, pop-pickers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

Cliff Richard?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

OK another line from the same song:
'Where dem spend it? In de book-ee. Lose it aal on the dogs or on the gee-gees, or paying off of dem bribes to da Swee-nee'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

Is it?
Shit song by unknown Jamaican artist?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

It is certainly written in a patois "stylee"
Black people say "dem" instead of "them", I think.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Is it the theme of Birds of a Feather sung while drunk?
/ac
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

It's Cockney Translator by the legendary Smiley Culture RIP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Seriously, you know how when I talk about Aunty Barbera, I don't expect people to know anything about her beyond what I say.
With these little tiny bands who've only sold 100 copies of their only LP in the 80s and only played 5 live gigs in total.... NOBODY HAS HEARD OF THEM.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:22, Reply)

Good morning Montgomery
It used to happen all the time, but I can't remember a recent incident. Either I am gaining tact in me old age or I have managed to surround myself with people who are not easily offeneded.

Alt: should be an OK day but I am stopping smoking for christmas so the next couple of days will be a bit narky I expect, what a brilliant plan to do this just before I have my son for the weekend.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:48, Reply)

My mouth has never got me in trouble, I am the very epitome of discretion and tact.
What I want to know is what cunt broke into my flat & fucked my toaster last night? The fucking fucker is WELL fucked.
( broadsword, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:51, Reply)

I pulled a reasonably hot girl a few weeks back.
By the time the cab home arrived at mine I'd alienated her so much she just walked off without saying a word.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:53, Reply)

Hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:54, Reply)

All is well now though.
The girl I fancy the pants off likes me as well. BOO YA.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:56, Reply)

No doubt this will change as she gets to know you.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:58, Reply)

At least he gets to tell them his mum fucked Wolf during those awkward hard to fill silences

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:03, Reply)

his mum he
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:04, Reply)

I rekon Wolf has a small knob, can Barry confirm this please

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:05, Reply)

That's the mad thing.
She knows me. Plus I'm well hot.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:04, Reply)

Moaning!
I'm in a reasonably good mood today.

I don't get into trouble cause I'm a good girl innit.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:57, Reply)

Don't google anything weird Biggers

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:04, Reply)

here, allow me
happy happy smile joy
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Oh Quentin, you started so well

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

WHAT DID I DONE NOW?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

i have a way with words so rarely get in trouble
IT@S FRIDAY TODAY WILL BE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 8:59, Reply)

Probably every other time I speak to the wife where my comment could be construed two ways
Our little one has a cough and a cold so i was up from 12 till 1, 3 till 4 and 5 til 5:30...I win or lose.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:08, Reply)

I am in a phenomenally bad mood today
Hardly slept, had no appetite for over 24 hours and seem unable to fight off the shadow of depression overhanging me.

Well, you asked.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

have a wank anda sausage sandwich
or more senisibly pop off for a run, see some friends and havea slap up meal
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:11, Reply)

Have a wank run whilst eating a sausage sandwich

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

That sounds suspiciously like multitasking Sporters

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

A gentleman should always be able to masturbate whilst partaking in other activities
Confessional for instance
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Ah, the catholic dangerwank
"bless me father, for I have sinned. It has been sixteen weeks since my last confess..urrrrrrgh. Cheers"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:23, Reply)

God I cannot be arsed today
*something incredibly obvious about a Lord's Prayer wank*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:29, Reply)

Blimey!
That makes a change
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

wank and sausage.
Best of all the sandwich fillings.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

i am participating in the conversation

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

I am replying.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:16, Reply)

I have decided not to contribute to this sub-thread

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

as is your right, sporters. As is your right.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:21, Reply)

I will contribute

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:23, Reply)

I haven't decided yet
I'll keep you posted.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

FUCK YOU

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

please do

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

This will cheer you up:
samesexdancing.blog.co.uk/2010/05/24/queer-tango-from-1-june-2010-in-vauxhall-8660301/
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:14, Reply)

There was actually an all-male couple at the last competition we went to
They were really good
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

+ in bed

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

*chuckles*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

something about your bookmarks

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

+ browsing history

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:17, Reply)

You need to explain how you know about this.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Two page spread on 'Queer Tango' in today's Metro.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Leaflet from Transformations

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

You alright mate?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:40, Reply)

I was at a petting zoo
with my ex's two kids. We were looking at the ickle fwuffy bunnies and I made some comment about poking them with sticks. Turn my back for a second and the little girl has found a section of basically tree trunk, poked it through the mesh and is attempting to crush a rabbit against its hutch.

All-round win, I thought.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:12, Reply)

nonce
morning badger, what will you be correct about today?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:13, Reply)

Fuck only knows, nakers
that's the joy of being me.

I'm on the graduation podium party this afternoon and Ross Brawn is getting an honourary degree. What abuse should I sling at him?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

Offer him some technical looking printouts for £10million

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

haha, this made me smile
I totally will.

I was thinking of asking if Schumacher secretly feasted on live kittens, or something.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

I quite like him, obviously he has a stupid face
but quality british engineering should be celebrated not vilified.

alternatively fling some poo at him
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

that's why we're giving him an honourary degree.
better than giving it to some arsehole telly monkey.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:20, Reply)

Give one to Jeremy Clarkson, wait i think you already have...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:23, Reply)

We fucking haven't.
Unless by "we" you mean "the higher education establishment" in which case, well, fuck off. Being mentioned in the same sentence as Oxford Brookes would be a fucking insult. Unless it contains the phrase "University of X, unlike Oxford Brookes, actually .."
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:25, Reply)

TGB better not be about

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:29, Reply)

we've actually had this conversation in person.
It's OK ;)

Brookes isn't really that bad, but giving honorary degrees like that for the PR just marks you down as a desperate wannabe.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:33, Reply)

I had Edinburgh in the back of my mind, my mistake
although you have given one to Annie Lennox, for services to hermaphrodillia
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

They might have done.
I don't lecture at Edinburgh Uni. I just live here.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:32, Reply)

I can't be bothered to look this up
but have you just spelt a 6-syllable word correctly?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Pretty sure it's not a word
Hermaphroditism?
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:45, Reply)

That does sound more like it actually

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

I thought Apey's was an excellent word!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

Thanks Sporters!
I did make it up though
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:49, Reply)

I've genuinely never understood the point of these honourary degrees
Do they serve any purpose other than publicity for the University?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:24, Reply)

In Ross Brawn's case
it's an honorary degree in mechanical engineering for his services to forwarding the cause of engineering generally. The number of students that do mech because of F1 and motorsport generally is huge. Our Formula Student team is probably the best funded bit of mech eng..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:26, Reply)

Fair enough then
Didn't occur to me that there might be a genuinely-motivated reason behind these things. It's when you see footballers and comedians getting honourary degrees that you have to wonder what they've done to deserve it.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

All the time in work, sadly
I do not do office politics at all. This is the reason I'm not in proper management, etc. If something needs saying, it gets said!

Alt:
Fucking Sky broadband cunts. Router broke last Friday - new one turns up yesterday - fucked. Have to wait ANOTHER 3 working days for a replacement to my replacement. Having to deal with the phone monkeys was an exercise in not saying "cunt"
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:15, Reply)

There you go again!
We call them 'phone coloureds' these days, you know.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

The guy last night wanted to send me a replacement power supply
Errr, no. It is fucked. The fucking light comes on which means the power supply is working you tit. It does not however function as a wireless access point or a broadband router.

Can you try updating the router firmware please?

NO, IT IS FUCKED YOU DEAF CUNT!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:24, Reply)

political correctness gone mad hiring deaf people to work in call centres
*writes to the Daily mail*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:25, Reply)

WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:26, Reply)

I NO RITE
Thick cunts. Where was Martin, 32, Telecommunications Analyst from Norwich when you needed him?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

public bogs with "a friend"

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:30, Reply)

I set 'em up...

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:31, Reply)

"a friend" Monty.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

Down the 'Queer Tango' with the runs.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:31, Reply)

I was thinking of what to have for lunch today, and then I read this
www.b3ta.com/talk/7382206
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:18, Reply)

Black pudding it is, then.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

+ lentil dall and ketchup

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:21, Reply)

Oh Battered. That is wrong, wrong, wrong.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Yeah, brown sauce with dhall you tit

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

* is sick in mouth *

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:19, Reply)

he should eat a phaal and cautarise the wound

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:22, Reply)

You should eat a dick and fuck off.


lol jk
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:25, Reply)

Well this is at least a step up from you wishing my death
I'll take it as a positive*


*Yeah HIV positive LOL!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

That really made me want to go and have a shit
That or the coffee I'm mainlining.

Good morning chumps and chumpettes.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Good day, guv'nor.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

My appetite is back!
Cheers Rory
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:27, Reply)

Hahahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

arf.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:31, Reply)

On the other hand, totally trumped your squits from last week.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:34, Reply)

The trouble started when you trumped.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

Yeah totally mate
I doff my cap in deference to your superior arse trauma.

ME
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

I had a brilliant
splatterhouse last week after a work do. There are two things that set off my IBS, and that's beer and coconut. We had a Thai meal and I drunk lots of beer. Fun!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

There must be a Saudi Prince who'd pay good money for slurry like that to be deposited on his face
Gonz should make tentative enquiries at the Saudi Embassy
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:38, Reply)

He should post them a sample.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:39, Reply)

In instances like this it's both quality, quantity and pungency
Best to send a flask of it.
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

Good plan
Thermos will retain the "straight-from-the-ass" warmth too
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

On the other hand, I just picked up the new super mario, so it's swings'n'roundabouts really.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:33, Reply)

Is it set in a playground?

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

a playground covered in shit and blood?

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:41, Reply)

 
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

speechless here is an achievement.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

I might nick it for my sig.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

 

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

*wipes tears of mirth from eyes*
POTyear
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

'Saw 8' really plumped new depths

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:50, Reply)

I managed to sweet-talk my doctor into doing a medical I need for my taxi badge for £60 instead of £120.
Due to stupid fucking hide-under-the-covers-for-a-week-ness I missed the original appointment completely. Just rebooked it, £120 later *spits* Doctor's receptionists have no sense of humour.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:37, Reply)

Ooof

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:42, Reply)

P +

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:47, Reply)

FOLLOWING ROOTER's advive
here www.b3ta.com/talk/7382564 i deceided to change tack

your all a bunch of quending bumbers and my mummy never loved me, boohoo forsooth!
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:48, Reply)

*proffers massive punch in the fucking face*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:50, Reply)

why thank you kind sire, may i proffer a ride on my buxom line manager in return for yourr noble deeds
etc lol
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:51, Reply)

I prefered old Quentin

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:51, Reply)

your my favourite poster here, don't tell anyone tho

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:52, Reply)

You are Bruce Forsyth AICMFP

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:54, Reply)

wha?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:56, Reply)

My wife get herself in to trouble opening her gob more than I do
For example a few weeks back the youngun had a massive bruise on her face from falling off the sofa. The nursery have a duty of care so ask about all cuts and bruises. Picture the scene...

Nursery Worker - She has a bruise on her cheek, how did that get there?
Wife - Oh I told her to stop messing about and she wouldn't listen.
Nursery Worker - *Stunned look*
( Peej, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:56, Reply)

What do you tell a kid with two black eyes?


Nothing you've already told it twice! LOL
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Fucksake.
A duty of care to ask about all cuts and bruises? Regular stuff, maybe, but one-offs in kids that are otherwise perfectly normal? Nanny state, I tell you.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

I think its more about them pointing them out to you in case you dropped them off to nursery and they were fine
To make sure their staff or other kids aren't beating them up.
( Peej, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Or like a hire car
"It had those scratches when we got it"
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:13, Reply)

well........
...... somehow i got high firsts in BOTH my end of year pieces in my oxford masters. this made me ecstatic last night.

until i checked the records this morning. and i missed a distinction by 0.4%.

now i am UNhappy! do i try and appeal it, or do i think, fuck it, i did zero work all year and the results are good enough.

also, much much more importantly, has anyone heard from amberl recently??? i am a bit alarmed by her not being on here or replying to texts?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Yeah, she died. Soz.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:01, Reply)

Won't I feel bad, if this turns out to be true?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

Have you texted her and told her you're concerned?
Also, try not to post about having a spare grand kicking about, I almost puked last night :/
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:01, Reply)

She read an article on the Guardian web site on 13 Nov, she's still about.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

verily forsooth

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

*honks your nose*

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:03, Reply)

you have offended my honor kind sire! i challagne you to a dule!

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:04, Reply)

Choose your weapon, serf.

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

WORDS

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

ON A SCREEN

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

I WIN

(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:08, Reply)

fuck, well played

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:11, Reply)

You should take this shit to blaireau69, he'll lap it up

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

is he a BUMDER?

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

AN ALCOHOLIC IN THE NILE !!!!

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:09, Reply)

ohohhoho, i hope I don't Of-quend anybody

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:11, Reply)

i have, twice, and lampers hasn't heard anything back from her either
is prob nothing but i am just a bit worried....

the £1k is not really spare, with it being christmas out of this month's salary, if that makes you feel any better... anyway i have no idea how i managed it, so i'll probably find i forgot to pay something!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:10, Reply)

Fucking money, grrr.
Anyway yeah, she read a Guardian article on 13th Nov so she's still active.
(NoeI «:::P:::» «:::E:::» «:::R:::» «:::V:::» «:::E:::», Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:11, Reply)

yeah it sucks
and going to suck a lot lot harder, looking at the economics.

good, maybe she has just lost her phone or run out of credit or something!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:18, Reply)

she's ignoring you cos your a dick
or she killed herself cos your a dick, hope this helps xxx
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:22, Reply)

it'll be suicide, simple as

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:12, Reply)

Postive beakering -> negative beakering -> beakering by proxy
Well done on your exams
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:02, Reply)

danke schon!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:10, Reply)

I really don't get this whole "I didn't study, I did fuck all things" that people use as some kind of excuse when they do really well.
What on earth is wrong with doing hard work and getting rewarded for it? Most weeks you say you work on sundays and beyond midnight.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:19, Reply)

Alt: I'm a little hungover
Due to opening a bottle of wine after getting back last night.

And the woman who organises hot breakfasts didn't turn up till 9:30 the idle bint.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I did the same :(
Went to the offie for two cans of Special K and ended up doing the 6 for a fiver offer. Sad times.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

Apparently I now have a "Bellybuster" on the way
Which sounds like some kind of armour-piercing round. But it might not get here until 11.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Sounds like it should do the trick
I've got some porridge on the boil, what with me being a peasant.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:22, Reply)

I've got a Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar
With a Lego Star Wars model to build behind every door.

Where's your Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar? Oooohhh you don't have a Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar, that sucks for you!
( Peej, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:03, Reply)

oh what is that like the £18 one with the lego in it/ i want that one
wait no it was lego city, star wars is for pricks
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:04, Reply)

except the chicken walker i got free in the sun, taht was tops

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:06, Reply)

Your obvious jealousy is obvious

( Peej, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:11, Reply)

i don't like star wars, its for pricks whose mums breastfed them too long

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:13, Reply)

where from?
I'll get one for my nephew.
( girlinthehole, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:16, Reply)

THERE'S A MODEL SHOP DOWN MY ROAD
i want one so bad
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:16, Reply)

Do I have to start a new thread?
EH???
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:32, Reply)

dunnit man, i mean squire

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Fri 18 Nov 2011, 10:33, Reply)