 Off Topic
 Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
« Go Back | Popular
 Pipe down, you lot, that's enough.
	Pipe down, you lot, that's enough.Come along, Class 4, settle down. I SAID SETTLE DOWN. Please? Please, class four.
We made a teacher run from the class in tears, she had a mental breakdown and never returned to teaching again.
Ever done something about which you are thoroughly ashamed? Do tell.
Alt: bore the class with your LUNCH-related tedium if you fucking must.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:36, 129 replies, latest was 14 years ago)
 As if I'd tell you lot about anything that I was completely ashamed of. Pfft.
	As if I'd tell you lot about anything that I was completely ashamed of. Pfft. (, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:40, Reply)
 It's OK Sebastien
	It's OK SebastienThere's no need to be ashamed of the night we had.
BTW, the tests came back negative, thought you'd want to know.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:42, Reply)
 OK what about something which a normal person might be ashamed of, but about which you are not?
	OK what about something which a normal person might be ashamed of, but about which you are not?(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:44, Reply)
 That's easy. Raping someone's mum whilst conducting an armed robbery.
	That's easy. Raping someone's mum whilst conducting an armed robbery.(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:52, Reply)
 I shat myself in class once.
	I shat myself in class once.I'm not exactly ashamed, I was only 5. If anything I'm proud I managed to hide it until home time.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:47, Reply)
 When I was at primary school
	When I was at primary schoolI let out an ‘SBD’ so hideous in its stench that the headmistress cast her beady eye around the class and uttered the immortal
‘I think somebody needs the lavatory’
One of my proudest moments ever. To cap it all, I also covered my tracks by blaming the boy next to me – who was then bullied for shitting himself for the next two years.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:50, Reply)
 And now you own a shop providing theatrical costumes to  the west end.
	And now you own a shop providing theatrical costumes to  the west end.(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:56, Reply)
 YES LET'SGIVE THE INTERNET MORE AMMUNITION!
	YES LET'SGIVE THE INTERNET MORE AMMUNITION! I don't bloody think so!
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:52, Reply)
 it's alright flabbermadabber, we don't need anything else to pick on you for
	it's alright flabbermadabber, we don't need anything else to pick on you for(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:52, Reply)
 did you mean sockplastic? in this context i don't think that would make sense either tho
	did you mean sockplastic? in this context i don't think that would make sense either thowww.google.co.uk/search?client=opera&rls=en&q=sockpastic&sourceid=opera&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&channel=suggest
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:59, Reply)
 Well this fatty just kept you quiet and off the board for ten minutes.
	Well this fatty just kept you quiet and off the board for ten minutes.Small victories eh.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:09, Reply)
 
	 Really? were you attention seeking in real life as well as on the internet?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:54, Reply)
 seriously, stop farming opium with your teenage son, its gonna get you in trouble
	seriously, stop farming opium with your teenage son, its gonna get you in trouble(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:00, Reply)
 Ok, I am thoroughly ashamed of this one...
	Ok, I am thoroughly ashamed of this one...Before my son was born I used to teach guitar to a 13 year old girl.
I knew at the time what she was asking me to do was wrong, but I don't know, she seemed to be enjoying it and I didn't think I was harming anyone.
I realise now that what I did was depraved and, thinking about it now, it does make me feel a little sick.
But I was young and keen to show off my prowess.
I am utterly ashamed to say that I taught her how to play the theme music from Friends.
I'm really very, very sorry.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:53, Reply)
 We had to do the theme from 'EastEnders' on the glockenspiels at school.
	We had to do the theme from 'EastEnders' on the glockenspiels at school.Some things are impossible to forget.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:54, Reply)
 I do hope that they taught you how to play it in the correct key of E flat major
	I do hope that they taught you how to play it in the correct key of E flat majorand not the simpler C major.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:11, Reply)
 There was this kid at school who would shit himself,  so some of the lads locked him in a trunk with his shitty pants
	There was this kid at school who would shit himself,  so some of the lads locked him in a trunk with his shitty pantsand push it down the stairs. When he was released he didn't seem too bothered, so they zipped him into a soft suitcase and threw him down the stairs again...whilst I was directly involved I did feel guilty for not intervening at all
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:54, Reply)
 You've posted this before
	You've posted this beforeand it remains one of the funniest things I have ever heard.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:57, Reply)
 We threw a slightly simple boy into one of those large metal school bins
	We threw a slightly simple boy into one of those large metal school binsand then, whilst two boys sat on the lid, another five beat the sides of the bin with large sticks in order to deafen the boy within. For about twenty minutes.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:58, Reply)
 Looking back were utterly, utterly horrid
	Looking back were utterly, utterly horridWhen we were 13 my the entire year in my house were sent to the Warden and subsequently a councillor for bullying the upper sixth, we were like fire ants on an elephant, what we lacked in size we made up for in herd mentality.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:02, Reply)
 A lad a couple of years below us was a cheeky little bastard
	A lad a couple of years below us was a cheeky little bastardTo teach him a lesson, we unlocked the lid from the outside bin, dumped him in it upside down, relocked it, and left him in there.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:03, Reply)
 We threw the class victim in the swimming pool, dragged him out, rolled him in the long jump sandpit so the sand would stick to him, then locked him in the school greenhouse for half an hour.
	We threw the class victim in the swimming pool, dragged him out, rolled him in the long jump sandpit so the sand would stick to him, then locked him in the school greenhouse for half an hour.It was about 28 deg C that day.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:02, Reply)
 We once duct-taped a lower 5th child to the bottom of
	We once duct-taped a lower 5th child to the bottom ofa table for perpetrating several knock and runs. We left him there for the whole of games that afternoon.
We got in a lot of trouble for that.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:49, Reply)
 In year 8, I was off on the second to last day of the year
	In year 8, I was off on the second to last day of the yearPrior to this, we'd been informed that we were to come in on the final day in school uniform. On the day I was off, the school changed their mind, and told everyone to come in casual clothes for the final day. No-one thought to tell me, meaning that I came in the next day in school uniform. The only fucker in the entire school in uniform.
It wasn't the most pleasant, so what did I do? Immediately blamed it all on my best mate at the time, as he should have told me. The reason why I feel as bad about this as I do is because he was rather bullied by the majority, and I was one of his only mates, and definitely his closest, and I told him he was fucking useless, etc. Oops.
Alt: Rather spicy butternut squash soup with noodles.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:58, Reply)
 Tomorrow afternoon I have arranged for the landlady to come over and check that
	Tomorrow afternoon I have arranged for the landlady to come over and check that all the rubbish and shit that had amassed whilst I was away has been cleared up. Three of my useless housemates think that when a bin bag is full you put it outside the back door and it has taken Paul(the good housemate) and I two fucking days and 9 trips to the tip too sort it out.
I haven't told the three cunts none of whom will be here, but their pets will, pets we aren't allowed. I am proud of my deviousness.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:01, Reply)
 Well I was at a festival, right? And I'd been watching Massive Attack for all three days, right?
	Well I was at a festival, right? And I'd been watching Massive Attack for all three days, right?I was in the dance tent and this girl was lying down on the floor so I kicked her in the ribs
ololol
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:03, Reply)
 I don't know about that.
	I don't know about that.It'd have to be a proper glopping foof to get a foot in and if it was, I can't imagine it'd snap shut on it.
But what do I know, I'm only a man. I'll never experience the pain of childbirth etc.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:44, Reply)
 we locked a substitute teacher in the cupboard.
	we locked a substitute teacher in the cupboard.AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL LOLZ
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:25, Reply)
 On the subject of "Ashamed", one of my clients dad's has 64 kids. 64.
	On the subject of "Ashamed", one of my clients dad's has 64 kids. 64.I foolishly asked, "not to the same woman", well, obviously not. The father is proud of his achievement. Any comments?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:30, Reply)
 "clients"?
	"clients"?What do you do? As for 64, even Sreamin' Jay Hawkins only managed 55 and I refuse to believe he has been bettered.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:39, Reply)
 I manage a net cafe,
	I manage a net cafe,for a charity, and "clients" is the term by which they're called, or "service users", if I'm pissed off.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:48, Reply)
 Yes.  What else do you think I meant?
	Yes.  What else do you think I meant?What? You think I can't spell 'homeless', is that what you are saying?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:08, Reply)
 Is Skylight a charity?
	Is Skylight a charity?The one I work at started to help the jobless into work, then opened a free net cafe for ECDL training, CVs, job searches etc. Now it's just used for fucking about on Facebook and Youtube.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:02, Reply)
 I'm ashamed of my colleagues
	I'm ashamed of my colleaguesthree times this morning I've been asked technical questions of an "I can't get this to work" nature. Each time I've lead with eliminating the obvious causes - and I've been right first time. Are they putting something in the fucking water or something?
Also YOU DONT HAVE TO CLICK START AND THEN MY COMPUTER EVERY TIME YOU WANT TO CHANGE DIRECTORY YOUVE ALREADY GOT HALF A DOZEN EXPLORER WINDOWS OPEN PICK ONE AND REUSE IT FOR FUCKS SAKE.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:50, Reply)
 It is my firm belief that if they can simply call us and have us do it for them
	It is my firm belief that if they can simply call us and have us do it for themthey won't even try to think about the problem. The very second they run into a snag, they're reaching for the phone.
The amount of times I've had responses of "haha, oh, that was easy!" is ridiculous.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:58, Reply)
 I pay my taxes and they pay your wages, so do a I ask.
	I pay my taxes and they pay your wages, so do a I ask.Wait, something's not right there.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:59, Reply)
 Look
	LookI don't ask you to do my job because you couldn't.
MAKE MY FUCKING COMPUTER DO WHAT I WANT because I can't.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:06, Reply)
 Ha.  I get this off my lot
	Ha.  I get this off my lotI have to explain to them that I am not interested in the dark arts of what happens after they have updated the software for the umpteenth time this year, it doesn't do what it did yesterday, make the cunt work.
I just got one of these WYSE things on my desk and go through the network internet or summat. It's slow, resets my e-mail and page settings everyday and is like having what I do described over the phone to somebody else who is doing the mouse and keyboard.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:15, Reply)
 If your IT department have applied an update that's changed settings
	If your IT department have applied an update that's changed settingsor rendered it unusable then they haven't tested the update and are therefore cretins.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:18, Reply)
 I don't mind people not understanding
	I don't mind people not understandingand will answer ANY question ONCE.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:21, Reply)
 IT staff are kind of expected to be able to sort out their own problems, though.
	IT staff are kind of expected to be able to sort out their own problems, though.Since fixing things is what we do for a living, and all.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:23, Reply)
 Eggs-ackly
	Eggs-ackly"The server writes the file to the W: drive and then the client looks for it on the W: drive, so let's check that the W: drive is mapped."
38 clicks later "Yes, look"
"No, that's the X: drive. Your W: drive is mapped somewhere else"
Skip a couple of sentences of them not understanding how windows works
"Oh, I didn't realise it had to be W:"
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:47, Reply)
 Happily, our server does it automatically, and if it plays up, to manually remap it is rather easy
	Happily, our server does it automatically, and if it plays up, to manually remap it is rather easy(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:52, Reply)
 I've never admitted this to anyone
	I've never admitted this to anyonebut I once clicked 'I like this' on one of Apeloverage's puns.
God that feels good to get off my chest.
Alt: Lunch was dull healthy chicken wraps, but I decided to treat myself and I had an Orange Kitkat Chunky afterwards, it were fucking lush it were.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:01, Reply)
 Ohh, fuck
	Ohh, fuckI may have to concede that Berk was almost entirely correct. I used a scotch bonnet in the soup I made the other day. You can still taste the different flavours in it, but by fuck it's spicy. My guts are not liking me now.
Anyone have any tips for softening the spice a little in soups?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:09, Reply)
 Red chillis, no seeds (or a few if you like a kick).
	Red chillis, no seeds (or a few if you like a kick).  You can put a bit more in if you avoid the seeds.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:12, Reply)
 Sorry, I mean I've still got quite a lot of this soup, and I need to find a way of softening spice in there
	Sorry, I mean I've still got quite a lot of this soup, and I need to find a way of softening spice in thereI'm going to use red chillis again next time, they're far easier to manage (and you don't have to wear hand protection)
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:13, Reply)
 Greek Yoghurt, as mentioned below, sour cream, even a little sugar may help, depending on how much it is too hot.
	Greek Yoghurt, as mentioned below, sour cream, even a little sugar may help, depending on how much it is too hot.(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:16, Reply)
 I might mean Creme Fraiche.
	I might mean Creme Fraiche.Sour Cream may curdle. I'm not sure. Why are you asking me anyway? What? Do I fucking look like Gordon Ramsey to you? No, I didn't think so...
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:20, Reply)
 I'm sweating buckets in the office, my eyes have not long stopped watering, my guts are currently rather angry with me, and my mouth is killing me
	I'm sweating buckets in the office, my eyes have not long stopped watering, my guts are currently rather angry with me, and my mouth is killing meSpiciest thing I may have ever eaten, tbh. (that isn't chilli sauce)
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:21, Reply)
 yogurt is good.  salt and sugar take heat down.
	yogurt is good.  salt and sugar take heat down.  what sort of soup is it?
EDIT: Cheese will take the heat out.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:17, Reply)
 Or potato
	Or potatopotato magically soaks up hotness and squirrels it away, allegedly.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:48, Reply)
 Incredibly, I am actually rather busy. Btw I just mistyped that as ‘busty’. LOL.
	Incredibly, I am actually rather busy. Btw I just mistyped that as ‘busty’. LOL.(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:25, Reply)
 well this place is jumping today
	well this place is jumping todayyes. and no.
no lunch today, haven't got bloody time.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:48, Reply)
 oh right
	oh rightgo on then, as it's quiet on here. prove that you know what i look like, innit. describe me - hair colour, eye colour etc...
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:06, Reply)
 brunette i'd say, by the fact that you seem uninteresting
	brunette i'd say, by the fact that you seem uninterestingpossibly quite messy haired, not straightened
got a few extra pounds but not massively overweight
shouts at lamposts
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:09, Reply)
 not that bad actually, if dreadfully shallow about hair colour
	not that bad actually, if dreadfully shallow about hair colourexcept that i go to the hairdresser about 3 times a week so my hair is usually immaculate.
and i'm usually slumped against lamposts drinking vodka after a hard day rather than shouting at them.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:12, Reply)
 ah the haircolour thing was just a guess really, but blondes do usually come across more confident
	ah the haircolour thing was just a guess really, but blondes do usually come across more confidentthats a lot of time at the barbers, whats wrong with yuor hair?
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:13, Reply)
 i would say you are
	i would say you areshorter than you'd like to be if you're being honest, stocky build that is soft and blurry around the edges and will be proper fat by the time you are 50, and not very attractive to women.
because god forgot to give you a neck.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:10, Reply)
 i know
	i knowi like this game though. i have expanded it on the NEW THREAD.
(, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:13, Reply)
« Go Back | Reply To This »

