So cop for this then.
Actually, scratch that, it's gibberish.

Morning chumps and flumps. Freitag is here, named after the Babylonian deity Taa'ag, God of fried food, worshipped thoughout Mesopotamia between 3000 and 2000 'BCE'. I'm no 'Xtian'* but saying 'BCE' is a touch knobbish, non?

I bet you 'touch knobbish', eh? I'M SAYING YOU'RE A PENIS FONDLER.

I really need to be back in bed. My proposal - I go back to bed for at least four more hours.

*oh dear.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:29, 274 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Morning Monts
Hung over or ill?
Last night we went to a new Caribbean restaurant, I had this
foodjamaica.net/2008/04/17/ackee-and-saltfish/
What culinary delights have you discovered lately?
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:31, Reply)

I've never had that before, due to my compulsive meat-ordering.
Any good?

I've discovered shit all culinary delights, sadly.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:33, Reply)

Excellent and well Nom

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:35, Reply)

What you mean is Free Battered, right?

( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:32, Reply)

This

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:32, Reply)

I certainly wouldn't pay for him.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:35, Reply)

He spells his name in a very gay way.
I blame the parents
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:41, Reply)

Thanks to whoever it was posting about battered getting banned, I now know who he is on facebook after he posted about it there.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:43, Reply)

Are you stalking Batts?

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

totally am. 2+2=4

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

I found out who he was when he insulted monty on facebook and then told us about it here.

( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

oooo linky.
I like a bit of b3ta gossip.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Here
As you can see it's massively gossipy and super controversial

*Edit* Hang on you already posted in there so you already know you daft bint!
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:48, Reply)

Oh, hang on, I DID see that. I thought there was like, MORE things that had been said.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:50, Reply)

More than that cavalcade of ZING???????
SURELY THERE'S ENOUGH ZING IN THERE TO LAST A LIFETIME?

Battered is the 'sultan of zing' there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

NO MORE WAS SAID! NOTHING! MOVE ALONG!

( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

He's what you might call 'zing the merciless' there.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

He's 'Jonathon Zing' there

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Zing Hosanna to the king of zings.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:58, Reply)

Battered's parents, earlier:

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

hahahaha!
Needs more shed rape
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:09, Reply)

FREE THE QUEEN'S PARK 0.5!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:35, Reply)

What's he done now?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:43, Reply)

Posted a picture of a shed

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

What a cunt.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Precisely

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

It was a massive picture of a shed,

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Was it on the front page
Or within a thread?
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

In a thread

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:47, Reply)

Then its hardly a crime
FREE THE SHED ONE!
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:50, Reply)

There was a bit more autistically posting the word shed everywhere
And banging on and on about rape too.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:53, Reply)

True and there been a lack of Rory since it all happened

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:00, Reply)

Nice innit
Rory did get modded to hell on the Shed QOTW, I assume he didn't know when to quit.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

They only banged on about rape because Rorys post got deleted
And he wasn't even going on about proper rape like in a saturday night behind the bins but the fact the QOTW was raped by your shed topic.

If they had ignored that one post they wouldn't have said it.
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

It's like those women on facebook who object to the term "frape" because it cheapens rape
they're asking for it, really.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:21, Reply)

There's a Mesopotamia exhibit on at the Melbourne museum at the moment..
I kind of want to see it but it's 30bucks entry and I can't really spare it. :(

I'm home alone for the weekend, what should I do? Aside from the obligatory vibrators, fingers and lube of course.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:41, Reply)

Have a party and advertise it on facebook

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:43, Reply)

I don't like parties...

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Boomtown Rats etc.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Morning all
Who's going to ride the rage train today? The way the atmousphere has been in here recently I reckon a flounce might not be too far away.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:43, Reply)

FUCK OFF YOU SHIT BAG NO ONE LIKES YOU.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

:(

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:45, Reply)

Just kidding Nakers, I think you're well funny.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Hmmm, I sense sacasm
You do have a history of bullying
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

No, it was a genuine comment.
But you are a bit shit at taking a compliment.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:53, Reply)

I'll save this post forever

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:06, Reply)

I might delete it just to spite you then.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:09, Reply)

Too late, I've screen grabbed it, printed in and put in in my tighty whities

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:10, Reply)

Awwwww.
You're so cute when you're all kiddie-like.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)

like fiddler
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

that's not cute. It's gross.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

I might flounce.
I can hardly be here any more anyway, and it would be better to go out in a blaze of flouncery than fade away, as Kurt Cobain said in his suicide note.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Morning
I'm still in bed. I've got the day off.

Just thought you'd like to know.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:44, Reply)

Gee thanks for that :(

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

You wanker.
I think it was nigh on 4am before I entered the realm of kip.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:47, Reply)

Never mind.
I'm well rested.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:49, Reply)

Great news!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:50, Reply)

Thanks.
I might get up in a bit, I quite fancy a fry-up.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:56, Reply)

Cool stuff!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:00, Reply)

What are you going to have in the fry-up?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

I had a "Number 5" Fry-up in Spitalfield Market on Wednesday
sausage, bacon, 2 eggs, black pudding, mushrooms, toast, hash brown, beans, grilled tomato. Lovely.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Was the tomato cremated to within an inch of its life?
If so, this is acceptable. I hate when they slightly warm half a tomato and shove it on the side of the plate
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:25, Reply)

It was not
but it had been sliced so effectively 4 grilled slices of tomato.

It certainly wasn't the best part of the meal, but on the other hand tomatoes are good for preventing prostate cancer.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:29, Reply)

you have to shove them up your shitter for that, though
Or ram them down your cockhole
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:01, Reply)

Work have decided to hotdesk us, give us laptops and let us work where ever we want, might mean I am on OT even more
You poor bastards
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:46, Reply)

Great news!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:51, Reply)

I KNO RITE!

( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

alright, you bunch of autistic assclowns?
I am on a razor's edge, I may violently flounce at any moment.

On the plus side, I am wearing a polka dot silk tie.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:51, Reply)

*pushes*
POlka dots? I think we need evidence that this isn't a massively gay tie.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

small dots.
Cornflower blue, with maroon and white dots. My shirt is red, with white pinstripes. Cornflower blue cufflinks to complement the tie.

Suave as fuck.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I can't decide if I like the sound or this or whether I hate it.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:06, Reply)

hate it
I hope this helps
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:08, Reply)

I'm not sure it does.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Do you work at Butlins?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:07, Reply)

Suave for sure.


Suave does mean 'massively bent', right?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:09, Reply)

My good mate Dave ended up with a temporary nickname of Enrique Suave
for his habit of taking a bottle round to prospective conquests
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:15, Reply)

A bottle of Soave?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

Yep

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

chloroform

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

On the plus side, you only have two months to live.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:53, Reply)

Great news!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

Morning all
You can sleep when you are dead, which surely cannot be that far away now.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:52, Reply)

L7....... single

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

*throws tampon*

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:55, Reply)

I was a fan in my teens.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:56, Reply)

+ ny
You still are.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:58, Reply)

That's me off on another Warren Zevon trip all day then, thanks.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 8:54, Reply)

Great news!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:05, Reply)

Morning cunt chops
I'm fucking shattered.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:01, Reply)

*cream crackered fives*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:03, Reply)

Pansies
Sleep causes cancer
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:06, Reply)

Well I'm screwed then.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:07, Reply)

No more vibes, fingers and lube then

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:14, Reply)

I hardly do that in my sleep!

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:15, Reply)

I do
*rubs hands together whilst licking lips*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

You're fucking weird if you do that.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

if you do that.
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

I was trying to be nice.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:21, Reply)

I was just being truthful about myself

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:23, Reply)

sh B
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:05, Reply)

lols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:11, Reply)

HELLO EVERYONE
I've only been at work 5 minutes and I'm already bored, when's this summer's round of riots kicking off, I could do with the exercise. Let's raid Rymans, I need some paperclips with which to woo Chompy when next he's in Norwich
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:06, Reply)

careful he doesn't rain his rage down upon you

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:08, Reply)

I was meant to be meeting him tonight actually
but I've got a family thing that it's not worth my while trying to get out of. The guilt would be extaordinary. Probably well-timed as he's on the rampage
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)

Really?
I thought you two didn't get along
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:13, Reply)

We haven't, historically
But it seems churlish not to find out what he's really like. If we don't get on in person then never mind.

Apologies for lack of "Gonna fackin' LAMP' IM in't I"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

This is a far too adult mindset for this board
I suggest hitting him with a shed
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

first lol of the day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

I thought you'd been on a double date together?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:19, Reply)

I can neither confirm nor deny this
Someone I know works at Norwich Travelodge and my fake beard wasn't that convincing
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

That's ok, his real beard isn't that convincing

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:21, Reply)

Are you talking about me in the third person?

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:25, Reply)

I have no idea O_O

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:26, Reply)

I am fucked this morning
Does anyone want their hangover back? I'm a bit bored of it now

I have decided to learn more about Aztec history today. I dont know why
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:12, Reply)

NO thanks.
it took me all fucking day to get over mine yesterday.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:14, Reply)

It has crossed the world to me, it would seem

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:15, Reply)

that's a bit shit. Sorry. I'll try to reign it into just Australia next time.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:17, Reply)

It's an absolutely fascintating culture: good move, lad.
May I recommend this as a starter:
www.amazon.co.uk/Conquistadors-Michael-Wood/dp/1846079721/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342167350&sr=1-1
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:16, Reply)

He's going to sit around in his pants watching lost cities of gold all day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:18, Reply)

Esteban! etc.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:19, Reply)

Thank you kindly
I just have about 4 books to go through before I start. Time to broaden my knowledge as it is sadly lacking in history
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:19, Reply)

I'm your man for tips should you require any.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:19, Reply)

I thought this

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:20, Reply)

Just use wikipedia
its full of FACTS!
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:26, Reply)

Have you got any top tips that solve or might help the squeeze on a household budget?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

get more money

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:25, Reply)

Yes.
Spend your way out of trouble. Worked for me!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:25, Reply)

consolidate your debts, drop out of uni and get a job

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:26, Reply)

See thing is here, it's hard to get a job that actually pays well enough to live on if you don't have a degree or qualification of some sort.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:45, Reply)

You should learn more about the history of Britain and Ireland
More to a point, buy this book for when your kids are a little older - www.amazon.co.uk/Horrible-History-Britain-Histories/dp/0439953952/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342167638&sr=1-2 - It's currently in our work from the Book People, I gave it a read yesterday, it's excellent.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:22, Reply)

This is the kind of thing I will be buying them, yes
We are off to Amble in a few weeks so will be visiting Alnwick castle and Walkworth castle
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

Alnwick is an excellent castle.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:24, Reply)

It is indeed
They are doing a ticket at the moment where you pay once and get free access for a year
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:26, Reply)

I went to Warwick castle last year, it was ok, felt a bit too theme parky though
Great for kids though i guess
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:27, Reply)

It's run by Tussauds isn't it?
Shame, it's a great castle.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:30, Reply)

I think so
Some of it is great, but it's lost it's inherent castley-ness
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

Roy Castle is my favourite.
Then Barbara Castle.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

I guess you can walk on both of them now
like a real castle
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

They keep doing shit things to attract more thick people.
The Ghost Tower was changed to the Princess tower a few years back and then the last time I went there it had been changed again to tie in with some TV programme that I've never seen (Merlin or something?)
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

Carreg Cennen is well worth a visit just for the tunnel alone

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

There's a castle near us with loads of Cannons that were all filled with concrete
This guy has made it his life's work to get grants to turn them back in to working guns. Last year for fathers day my darling wife and my girls took me to the castle for a day of watching them all get fired.

I was in heaven. You don't want to breathe in the gunpowder smoke though, gives you the shits.
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Great news!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:37, Reply)

I got a time-out offer to go see the stage version on the cheap
but it was 10:30 on Saturday Morning, and who's up then?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Me, for about 5 hours

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:28, Reply)

Exactly this today

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:30, Reply)

Moi aussi

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

*weary middling height fives*

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

*misses*

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:50, Reply)

Nonces.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

I just bought this book on your recommendation
If it is shit I will hunt you down and piss on your bed
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:08, Reply)

While everyone is still in a good mood
MINI APE IS ONE TODAY!!!

From less than 5lbs of screaming helplessness, to a proper little person full of giggles and smiles, just walking, just saying dada and making me laugh everyday.

I am a proud pop!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:29, Reply)

Happy birthday to micro-simian.
My daughter is four on Sunday, and I wrapped all her gifts last night. She's getting some excellent stuff.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:31, Reply)

have a great time, I hope no one messes it all up, if you know what i mean
I have got mini ape nothing, as she'll get loads from friends and relatives and I'm broke!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:33, Reply)

They haven't got a clue when they're that age.
I got my nephew some matches.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:34, Reply)

I got your nephew some condoms.

I didn't really, stricly bareback, me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

That's exactly what I didn't get for your daughter.
She is going to love the "black monster" I got for her.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:37, Reply)

You got her Ainsley Harriott???
So thoughtful.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Prickwithaforklols

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

fun uncle stunners
this morning her favourite toy was my face, which she enjoyed hitting and gouging.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

That's the best game to play when you're a baby!

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:43, Reply)

by ttered
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:46, Reply)

He really is a terrible person isn't he?

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

By terrible, you mean short, right?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

A terrible person, but a first-rate Jawa.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:51, Reply)

POOTINI!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:54, Reply)

Cheers.
Fingers crossed cunt-chops won't ruin it. This is the first year I get to see her on her actual birthday. Very excited!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:36, Reply)

What is our mantra?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

'Kill it and grill it', right?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Wrong!
It's "Serenity, now".
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

Oh, right.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

A good car made by Opel in the Eighties?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:57, Reply)

Hahaha. An appalling car.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:03, Reply)

My brother had one in primer orange
He got pulled over a lot as it *looked* fast.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:30, Reply)

Also:
proud pop bent spastic
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:31, Reply)

Oh god, I'm even bullying myself now

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:33, Reply)

\o/ Yay for kiddie birthdays all round
They are excellent as there is just pure joy when they are opening their presents
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:38, Reply)

This made me start enjoying christmas again.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:39, Reply)

Gammon and wine have the same effect on me.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Morning drinking isn't much of a treat for you though, is it?

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

Morning drinking is always a treat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:43, Reply)

It's also a treat if you're just having a shit.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:45, Reply)

I prefer to read
then drink afterwards
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:46, Reply)

I like to think of my morning drinking as more of a treat for everyone else.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Same as my afternoon drinking

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

You just love the sound of that zip coming down as they open their "presents" don't you?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Yep

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

Christmas just gone was the best one in years
just for spending it with my nephews and niece for the first time since they moved over from NZ. Properly joyful day.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:40, Reply)

Nonce.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

Nah they're all too old for my tastes
Once they start walking they can elude me too easily
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Agreed
I had accidently bought one extra pack of good smoked bacon rashers than I needed for the turkey so had all 12 in a sandwich
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:43, Reply)

urgh.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:44, Reply)

It was unbelievably good
with a cup of coffee and some fresh orange. Proper made my Christmas morning that did
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:45, Reply)

I fucking hate bacon.
it is rank.

We've discussed this.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:47, Reply)

Sporto will have yours then.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

THIS^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

He can have it all he likes.
Neither me or the fella eat bacon.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

That's OK from your point of view
However, it does rather point out that your chap is an absolute fleet of berties.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:08, Reply)

I have no issue with you not liking bacon
This leaves more for me
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Bacainelolz

( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Depends what type of bacon you get
The stuff the Merkins call bacon is foul
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:13, Reply)

I don't get how people can not get excited by presents as they get older.
Any time someone remembers my birthday, and cares enough to buy a present, I get incredibly excited. Mainly because my birthday is early in the year, so people never remember it.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:41, Reply)

A few years of shit presents soon kills the enjoyment.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:50, Reply)

I think the only shit present I've ever had was when I was thirteen, and a girl from school gave me a porn magazine cos she thought it would be funny.
I think it helps that I'm generally very easy to please, and the fact that people take the time to do something nice like that for me is quite an enjoyable thing.

My brother though, he is fucking impossible to buy good presents for. Never says what he likes or what he wants. So it's like going blind shopping.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:55, Reply)

You take a dog with you?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:57, Reply)

No way. not a dog person.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Dear sir,
How dare you! How very dare you! "QOTW" is a long established part of this website, some may even say its lifeblood. It also plays an important role in society by creating an environment for liars, rapists, sexual deviants, violent thugs, drug addicts and Honda Accord enthusiasts to tell their lurid tales and not bother the rest of us. I can only think that the people who perpetrated the heinous act of attempting humour, humour, are in fact "trolls," to use the common parlance. I hope you all get banned for ruining QOTW, I hope the good Lord himself casts you into the fiery pit for this disgraceful display of arrogance.

Good day!

Yours,

Maj Gen Mark Morrisons Prison Shoes (ret)
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:42, Reply)

fuck it, this is going on QOTW as well.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:44, Reply)

Don't forget to post it on /board too

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:45, Reply)

hahaha! oh man, you should go on /links with that level of japery!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

Post it there too.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:49, Reply)

LOL! that'd be great, then they could use their one meme to tell me to post it on /talk!!!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:50, Reply)

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:51, Reply)

HAVE YOU SENT YOUR APPLICATION TO BOMBAY MICK YET!!!!!
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:53, Reply)

I can't even see the board anymore
Probably for the best.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:00, Reply)

STOP BULLYING ME!!!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:02, Reply)

LOL!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:51, Reply)

It should win QOTW
ALL of them
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:45, Reply)

^^^this
POTD
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:50, Reply)

My niggaz on /links need this shit too, brah.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:48, Reply)

LOL! you said it like you were "street"

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:51, Reply)

I'm more 'tree-lined avenue', dog.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:55, Reply)

you're more "sleeping rough under a railway bridge" bruv.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:56, Reply)

I'm more 'crying', now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:58, Reply)

I don't want to know about your Wanking Habits please.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:00, Reply)

LIAR!
I bet you're frotting like mad thinking about monty tugging his todger.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:04, Reply)

She's actually aquaplaned off her chair.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:07, Reply)

waterslide lolz

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:08, Reply)

another pair of size 28 'koala brothers' jammies ruined :'(

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:09, Reply)

HEY.
They're BUTTERFLIES. Not koalas.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:09, Reply)

not to scale then.

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:12, Reply)

poisonous man eating butterflies probably

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:13, Reply)

we have lots of them here.
They're like, as big as your FACE.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:17, Reply)

hang on, my face or your face.
this is important.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:19, Reply)

As big as your face.
Mine is normal sized.
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:20, Reply)

potcallingthekettleblacklolz

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:23, Reply)

Morning.
I have nothing to contribute.

Good day, sir.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:51, Reply)

Same old kroney

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:54, Reply)

*gallic shrug*

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:54, Reply)

Not so far, no

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:55, Reply)

Sure you do, You're just not trying.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:56, Reply)

Quendejos
Prettu sure our landlady won't be giving us our deposit back so now debating whether or not to clean before I leave.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:55, Reply)

have you broken all of the floorboards?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:56, Reply)

Clean it, alright.
Clean it out of piping, light fittings, the boiler etc.

Then leave a monstrous turd in the middle of the floor as a 'warning'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:57, Reply)

You should piss in the toilet cistern before you go.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:57, Reply)

Due to the "overhang" he can only pee sitting down

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:58, Reply)

Bleargh. Mind bleach please.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Or, hide kippers inside the curtain rails.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:00, Reply)

nah
Find a foam fire extinguisher. Dismantle. Inside are two canisters with liquids in. Tip one in the toilet bowl and one in the cistern.

Leave and never come back. But consider leaving a webcam in the bathroom. Just make sure it's high up.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:10, Reply)

It should be held by someone other than the landlord.
Has an agent got it?
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:58, Reply)

What, like some kind of secret spy?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:59, Reply)

Yes. A secret spy. Tool.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:02, Reply)

So much more effective than all those non-secret spies.

( Kroney, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Yes, so there is a chance but not hopeful.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:59, Reply)

If you have a dispute with the landlord then the agent is supposed
to mediate. Clean the place and argue it's in good nick.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:01, Reply)

In other news, that prick from Jamiroquai is 'alright', according to my brother.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 9:58, Reply)

probably too early for coke is why

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:00, Reply)

No such time exists.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:02, Reply)

and now monty has no brother :'(
disownedlolz
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:03, Reply)

I've just booked me and the missus and the kids in to a well posh hotel for a couple of nights before christmas
Has anyone else ever stayed at The Ashford Travelodge?
( Peej, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:02, Reply)

Yes. It's as lovely as all the "lodges".

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:04, Reply)

where's chompers when you need him?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:05, Reply)

watching the baroness lapdance for some korean businessmen

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:08, Reply)

lapdancinglolz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:09, Reply)

Watch out, he's on the warpath.
He'll tear you a new one. He's dead scary when he's angry.
( Kroney, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:10, Reply)

oh no, not internets violence!

( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:11, Reply)

You wouldn't like him when he's angry

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:12, Reply)

when he's angry
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:12, Reply)

does he trun green and roar?
probably should use a dental dam!

LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I am very witty.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:13, Reply)

I can't picture it.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:13, Reply)

it seems Ed Miliband knows as much about pensions as CQ does about male grooming.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:25, Reply)

Is no-one going to start a new thread?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:26, Reply)

No one ever posts in mine, so I'm not starting it.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:28, Reply)

I'd post in your thread
I'd post HARD
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:34, Reply)

You flirt.

(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 13 Jul 2012, 10:51, Reply)