Pointless Accolades
In 1998 I won 'Best Actor' in the Essex Student Drama festival, for my portrayal of a child in a harrowing (read: pretentious) devised piece based on Dunblane.

What awards have you won in your life that mean absolutely nothing?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:57, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I got employee of the month about 13 days before being made redundant.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 9:59, Reply)

haha
they build you up just to knock you down
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Yep, there was also no prize for employee of the month.
And they wouldn't let me wear the crown I made for myself. cunts.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:15, Reply)

That sucks
If they'd have known that they where firing you anyway, they should have at least let you wear a crown.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Then at least he could have looked proud
as he walked out with his box of belongings, off into the sunset. People would have started a slow clap of admiration.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:26, Reply)

The strains of a particularly meloncholy song playing out into the dusk....
A co-worker who always acted like he hated them shaking hands with him firmly. A gesture of respect, though not friendship. The bittered old manager who has seen everything wiping away the ghost of a tear, muttering to himself "There goes the best damn employee of the month we ever had. Won't see his like again". As the doors to the building close shut for the last time.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:29, Reply)

haha
I hope there was some kind of homoerotic sports scene somewhere along the line as well.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Oh that was way back a few scenes ago
When mike from accounts asked him to throw the interdepartmental baseball leauge game. It was touch and go there, but a heart to heart with bittered manager man set him right again.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:08, Reply)

You should film this
It would make a killing at the box office.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Wouldn't just make a killing at the box office
It'd become the film that defines our generation, inspires millions and singlehandedly revives our flagging economy and fixes broken britain. Or somesuch shit like that.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Was the crown
part of the reason for redundancy?

Was it made of fresh babies?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

I won the Stan Spencer Award for Music
But I have no idea who he is.

I also won best rock group and best pop group in a music festival where we were the only band to enter those categories.
( Peej, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:03, Reply)

"We're the only ones?
I like those odds!"
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I should have placed a bet on us winning

( Peej, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:06, Reply)

imagine how devastated you would have been
if you didn't win.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:08, Reply)

The thought did cross my mind hahaha we were 12-14 though
so it would have been a bit harsh. Plus our 14 year old keyboard player had just met this guy at an 18 year olds birthday party and was feeling violated.
( Peej, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:11, Reply)

He was squashedmouse?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:13, Reply)

AYCYFP

( Peej, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:40, Reply)

The Lion's Club Award for Service to the Community.
I got an exemplary report from my work experience at 15 and they asked me back to work for the summer holidays. Man, I could have been a designer/cartographer. Glyn with the mad professor shocks of red hair thrusting forth from his bald crown. Sara with the wild arms when she walked. Claire with her constant intake of Refreshers. I threw a paper airplane out of the thirteenth-floor window and it flew away on the wind over Aylesbury market until it was a dot in the sky and then, gone.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I got gold in the 500m race at school
I was the only one to enter.
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Well done.
A win is a win.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:02, Reply)

I won an award for writing Ultravox hit single 'Vienna'...
To be quite honest, it meant nothing to me.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Fucking. Mint.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:14, Reply)

That's a reference to a song that's 4 years older than me.
bleeding edge comedy.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:14, Reply)

It's time we had a talk, Son.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Yeah.
You can only make song title puns if the songs are recent.

Otherwise they just aren't funny, right?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I'm "Shakin all over" to that one Monty

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:22, Reply)

You haven't really helped cement my point with this,
Bartles old bean, if I'm butally honest.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Yeah, but my music goes back to the thirties
With a huge hole in the seventies and eighties of course, so I don't mind references from way back.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:08, Reply)

I read that in the style of a gregorian chant.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:25, Reply)

Very cutting edge.

( thealternativefact, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Jesus, I feel old now.
Thanks Chompy. First my ex wife dies this week and now you go crowing about being barely out of nappies. My sense of my own mortality has never been so acute.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:48, Reply)

:D

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

Pretty much every training certificate issued by my present employer
Turns out that the people overseeing the training where a bunch of crooks who pocketed the cash for securing outside trainers to come in and taught the courses themselves - so because of them I have to go on a bunch more training days. Cunts.
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:18, Reply)

I got my hostess badge in the girl guides before I decided I hated camping and left.

( girlinthehole, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:39, Reply)

HaHa
I read that as hostages badge.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:17, Reply)

I won a calligraphy competition.
I created my own take on an illuminated manuscript, the text was a riddle the answer to which was 'an anchor'. In keeping with this the first capital letter had a ship as part of it, and the anchor's chain wove through the text, connecting to the anchor which sat in the bottom right hand corner.

Pretty damn fucking smart I think you'll agree. It was displayed in the Great Hall in Winchester, but I never even went to look at it because I was so ANARCHIC and PUNK.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Exhibit A m'lord in the case for Monty being a shirter
Maritime Calligraphy: anchors, ships and able seamen.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Does the shirty defendant have any comment?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I'm too busy summoning up all the forces of hell in order to destroy NakedApe
to reply right now: do please bear with me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Well I've been tight with King Diamond since he took over as leader of the legions of hell
since the early 80's so naah! :p
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:01, Reply)

He's a shirty shirter Today.
I can hear a rumbling in that thar East End at the moment.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:16, Reply)

no further evidence needed

(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I won an Ewok in a Star Wars comic strip competition once.
You can't imagine the disappointment. I was hoping for Darth Vader.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 10:56, Reply)

I am disappointed for you.
A feckin' EWOK? I'd rather win nothing.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Ee cha wawa!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:22, Reply)

La cucaracha!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:24, Reply)

My pain is palpable, I can tell you.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:27, Reply)

ble tine
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

ZING!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:46, Reply)

I'm relieved someone knew what I meant!

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:51, Reply)

BA Science Silver crest award
In highschool for making year sevens eat funny coloured cake.
Then the Gold one in college for intentionally spilling blood, semen and saliva on things and then making a presentation about it.

Oh, and more gymnastics awards than I know what to do with.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:01, Reply)

Presenting human secretions isn't really science, is it?
Perhaps you labelled it or something.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:11, Reply)

I was in a forensics lab,
So I had to test for them at different dilutions on different surfaces. There was labelling involved, yes.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:18, Reply)

A bit CSI then,
I withdraw my patronising comment.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Withdrawl noted.
Most boring three weeks of my life. Although I did get £300 for it.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:28, Reply)

I spill blood, semen and saliva every day, and I've never been given an award for it.
I shouldn't do it in Tesco, I know, but from now on I shall scream "THIS IS SCIENCE" while I'm doing it.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Ah, but do you dress up smartly
And make presentations about it afterwards?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:21, Reply)

If by 'smartly' you mean 'naked'
and by 'presentation' you mean 'spread it over the frozen peas', then yes.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Then I can't imagine why no one's given you an award for it.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:27, Reply)

I KNO, RITE?

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:29, Reply)

OMG, YEH!

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:30, Reply)

You should have been given a ASBO,
which is a badge of honour apparently.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:29, Reply)

Do you actually get a badge with an ASBO?
Otherwise, I can't imagine why I'd want one.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:30, Reply)

I think you get a certificate.
You can frame it if you want.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:31, Reply)

COS IT MAKE U LYK RELY COOLLL LYK!!!!!!
N AL UR HOMIEZZZ WUD B LYK WLL JELUSSSS MAYTE!!!1!1!! LMAO!!!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:31, Reply)

That's a terrible chav impression,
it isn't even in caps.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:35, Reply)

I can't physically be that retarded.
I'll have another go. This may hurt.

Edit: Better?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:36, Reply)

That's better, you need to take an agressive and random attitude to punctuation too.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Right.
Bloody hell, it actually takes more time and effort to type like a retarded monkey with no fingers than it does like a normal person.
Why on earth do they bother.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:41, Reply)

iTZ pRT UF aRE MUDERN UFE cULTRE!
ITZ A vL1D FRM UF XPRESSUN!!!! PML!!!!
(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:44, Reply)

totally clicking my own posts today.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:47, Reply)

You're so cool!

(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

Not quite what I was going to say...

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

I bet you were going to say something really nice.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Yeah, really really nice.
Although, you've already had the nice post I said I'd give you in return for that smiley.


So maybe not. You'll never know now.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:02, Reply)

*pops collar*

(PsychoChomp, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:55, Reply)

In that case, modern culture is shit.
Lets have a mass cull of anyone in gold bling and/or and fake tan.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Indeed
Your comment has to be barely legible to pass for chav-speak… OMGGG!!?! wot hap2 Kev!!!?! LOL! he total woz banged up bi fuckpigs LOLLLLL!! Wantgo set fire bin of grannies l8r LOL!!!!!!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

Translation:
Oh my gosh, What has happened to Kevin? It was highly amusing, he was arrested by two policemen who were just doing their jobs. Oh, how it makes me laugh.
Would you care to engage in a bit of pyromania with me later involving a waste receptacle and several grandmothers? It will be hilaroius!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:46, Reply)

Exactly!
Crumbs maybe you should work for the police as some sort of chav translator! You could put that shit on your CV. Translates fluent-bollocks.! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:49, Reply)

Ooo, thats a good idea.
I could charge by the hour and everything. Extra when I have to actually come in contact with the fuckers.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:53, Reply)

herein lies the problem,
you might actually have to speak to the chavvy people… are you up for that?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:55, Reply)

I'd do it, if they were suitably restrained.
But I'd spend every second of it wanting to kill them, and then myself.
Hence the large fee.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:01, Reply)

Hmmm...
Its only a badge of honour to the Fiesta ST driving, Fake-Burberry wearing, spotty, twatty, hooded, slack-jawed fuck-tards that crave it.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Are you OK Flimmers?
You are not usually part of the angry-brigade.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:38, Reply)

Yeah I’m fine thanks.
I’m a little bit angry today (only a little mind) because I pierced a hole in my arm with a rusty binder at work… booooo – this was not intentional. I’m dressed like an emo today but I’ve not taken on their self-harming traits.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Good.
Because I consider you the 'Anti-Monty'.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Geeee
thanks! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:45, Reply)

I won a certificate for my mad cricket skillz when I was 10
despite being utter shit at cricket. I also have an array of brightly coloured badges for swimming… I don’t suppose I’m ever going to need to jump in a river in my pyjamas and pick up a brick off the riverbed? Oh and I have a first aid badge from the Girl Guides.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:15, Reply)

What about if we moved to a house by a river and, while doing important renovation work at night, we dropped a brick in the river?
These are skills FOR LIFE.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Are you just saying that
because you have those exact same badges?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Oooh oooh
I also have some sort of qualification to do with Car Companies that export their stock to Europe and how to market to the European countries… or something like that!?!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:36, Reply)

I Got a "Higher Award of Excellence" at work
for averting a possible disaster when a battery backup (UPS to the geeks) failed in our UK core office.

I must admit, getting an award for switching something off is pretty cushty.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I won QOTW once.
I'd just like to belatedly thank everyone for their clicks, and say that the recognition I received that glorious day made me shed a little tear of gratitude.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:29, Reply)

I always shed a tear with you around.
Its your smell I think.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:30, Reply)

That's the smell of good, Northern graft mate.
it's what this country was built on. Until Thatcher ripped it all from under us.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

shed a little tear of gratitude have a good hard wank.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:31, Reply)

His ego is already too big for me
Let's not making it harder, eh?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:35, Reply)

'His ego cock is already too big for me
Let's not making it harder, eh?'
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

*sigh*
Nothing like a bit of discreet double entendres for people to notice.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:41, Reply)

I tried not to...
...but Jesus told me to do it.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

That too, but I don't like to talk about such things on a public form.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:37, Reply)

Without wanting to sound like a miserable shit
I have 8 GCSEs, 3 A-Levels, a BSc, an FPC (Financial Planning Certificate) and an ACCA (Association of Chartered Certified Accountants).

None of it means a thing. Complete waste of time and effort. Do I really need all of the above just to tell people that they spend more than they earn and that debt is generally bad, especially crippling debt?
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:32, Reply)

at least your doing something with it
I have 8 standard grades, 6 Highers, a BSc and a TEFL qualification.

am I using any of them in my job? no
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:39, Reply)

yeah...ish...
my BSc is Biology. Accountancy tends to be a dumping ground for failed scientists.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:43, Reply)

What happens to all the people who actually have degrees in accountancy then?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:51, Reply)

Suicide.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:54, Reply)

Ha Ha!
I was going to say something along the lines of "They are shot the day after graduation" or "They die lonely virgins, thus removing themselves from the gene pool".
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:58, Reply)

They have exemptions from some of the professional ACCA exams
so they become accountants, only quicker.

Although the accountancy student I shared a house with at uni never seemed to have any lectures and spent most of his time sleeping or watching tv. He also didn't want to become an accountant.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Sounds almost exactly like the accountancy student I know.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 11:59, Reply)

mine is Sports Science
couldn't be any more useless
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:01, Reply)

I thought you guys all became physiotherapists?
dont fancy rubbing a sweaty footballers thigh down huh? Cant say I blame you.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:06, Reply)

nope
thats people who do sports medicine (the fourth year of the course).

SS basically enables me to be a PE teacher, a personal trainer, or an exercise consultant.


I did have plans to open a physiotherapy practice with my mate - according to an old teammate of ours they are quite lucrative. Mate now does cookery, i pretend to teach
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Fri 19 Mar 2010, 12:10, Reply)

I
Won the "Top boy" trophy at a swimming gala in 1999.

Purely because I entered every single race over two days.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 20 Mar 2010, 2:22, Reply)