Good morning to you all - well, most of you.
I am still drunk. Tell me a joke.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:11, 247 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's the difference between France and a tea bag?
France are shit.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:13, Reply)

ha hahaa hah ahahah
Sacre bleu!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:16, Reply)

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick-knife.


That's my favourite joke of all time.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Cot death? Financial Times crossword? All sidesplitters.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:23, Reply)

Cot death doesn't really feature word play strongly, now does it?
Financial Times crossword - I'll give you that one.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Sorry - wrong joke. Should be 'what's pink and stiff in the morning?'

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Surely a cot death
would be blue, rather than pink?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

You could be right
I'll let you google images and check.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Ah....
Now it becomes clear. Unlike the FT crossword.

Jolly good.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

what do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?
...
.....
..
....
...frostbite! HAHAHAHAHA
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:18, Reply)

AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA






that was shit
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I know, wasn't it!
I typed 'shit jokes' into google.

I quite like this one though:
What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

"ME!!!"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:24, Reply)

That's superb.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:25, Reply)

I don't get it.
Edit - I get it now.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I'd have shouted
.....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCK

But then we're all different.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

that's exactly what I did shout!
My instructor said I swore more than a young lady should.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Hope you told them to piss off
;)
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

I wanted to tell him to have a breathmint
his breath smelled like a badger's arse.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I still can't work out how his breath travelled towards you when your both falling at 100mph plus.
and he is behind you.

Are you sure you had not shit yourself?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:41, Reply)

haha thanks
it was when I was in the plane strapped to him, he was talking into my ear from about 3 inches away and his breath was most foul. The descent from the plane was a nice if not a little quick respite from it, but unfortunately as soon as he pulled the cord he started talking about the views, etc, which involved more breathy whispers into my face.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:49, Reply)

I accept this explaination
and will rarely mention it again.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:53, Reply)

That's from Hot Shots Part Deux.
Still good though.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Really?
How did I miss that? I've seen it numerous times. Fail.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I checked on imdb quotes from the film

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I think my favourite line is
"don't you realise these men are celibate, like their fathers and their fathers before them?"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I went to the zoo the other day
but the only animal there was a little dog.

It was a shih-tzu.

(Yes, I know I got it from the newsletter a couple of years back but it's still funny!)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:23, Reply)

that raised a smile
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they yarrrr
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Where do Pirates buy Birthday presents from?
AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargos
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I actually lolled at this.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:07, Reply)

There are two monkeys in a bath
The first monkey says, "OOOHH OOh OHH AH AH AH AH AH!!,

to which the second replies, 'If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in.'
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

This made me chuckle :-)

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

This is my favorite.
I taught my 9 year old nephew this joke.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Two nuns in the bath
One says, "Where's the soap?"
The other replies, "Yes, it does rather."


Works best if heard rather than read...

Actually probably works best if not heard or read.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:30, Reply)

You know lots of nun jokes.
I blame your education for this.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Get back to work!
*flicks whip*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:48, Reply)

*horns*

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:49, Reply)

*belts*

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:54, Reply)

*spanks*

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:09, Reply)

*Goes to recharge aircon*

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I love this joke

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

what's blue and doesn't fit?
a dead epileptic
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:28, Reply)

This is awful

I laughed though...
(berk, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:30, Reply)

What kind of cheese
can you hide a horse in?



Marscapone. badum-tish
(berk, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Still drunk? On a thursday morning? At 36 years old?
What a fantastic role model you are for your little girl, please reveal to me the secrets of your awesome parenting skills
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:30, Reply)

do you mind doing this via gaz?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:31, Reply)

^this
This is worse than my emo rantings a while ago.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

it's almost as bad as reading stuff by blaireau69

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

How many times must I repeat myself?
If you don't like it, don't read it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:42, Reply)

it's a fair argument
I don't remember you saying that though, certainly not repeatedly
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:43, Reply)

I don't think he has
plus I don't think it's a fair argument at all, this is a forum for writing things that people are going to read. Before you can decide if you like something or not you have to read it, otherwise you become a hilarious Daily Mail reader who condemn things on the basis of what other people say about them. Therefore you have to read Berts stuff, at which point you may or may not agree with it.

Given the nature of the Site replying to his posts telling him your opinion of it is a perfectly reasonable response.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Yes
before you judge whether you like something or not YOU HAVE TO FUCKING READ IT.

Oh I didn't like that^^ so I'm not going to read it.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

shut your noise
with your sensible thought processes and stuff...

I posted a link to those bits of music my mate and I had done if you hadn't noticed. and in fact if you had.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

I had noticed
but in between seeing it this morning and getting to work I had forgotten, so I will download them now and have a listen. Thanks for reminding me.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:02, Reply)

I've still not heard part 2 myself actually.
The first one was great.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

The files names are wrong
the first part is labelled as 2 and when you put it in your music player is says Rough 3 at the end. I'm confused
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I had a number of versions on my computer at home
and the filenames had been truncated and automatically numbered.

rough 3 refers to it being the 3rd rough mix. as it is not quite finished, but just needs some tweaking.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

So far I prefer part 2 to part 1
But a lot of that is due to the very crackly distorted sound quality of part 1 which makes it not all that pleasant to listen to.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Oooo I like the mental disco bit in the middle

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:45, Reply)

on which?
one has a banging bit with samples from V for Vendetta (that's in part 1), part 2 has a more chilled out dance type bit
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:49, Reply)

crackly eh?
hmmm, that's odd.

did you download, or are you streaming it?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Downloaded it
Admittedly I'm playing it through my monitor speakers, but it's not very loud so I wouldn't expect it to distort.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:50, Reply)

the quality should be ok
I listen to in my ipod quite often and have found it pretty pleasant.

in the car as well.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Yet another chore-ish, laborious, taking-itself-far-too-seriously response from althegeordie
I've been here long enough, people have been reading my posts long enough to know what I'm like, and the kind of things I say.
Complaining about me is like saying you don't like a shirt you just bought, you SAW the shirt, you knew what it was like, why buy it if you don't want it?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Because sometimes
like your joke below, you write something funny that's well worth reading.

And your argument can always be turned back on you when you take the time to respond to my ripostes, no matter how long laborious they may be.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I AM FUNNY, YOU FUCK
I got that joke when I googled 'AIDs jokes', anyone could have done that.

I'm replying to you because it arouses me

EDIT oops, that's supposed to say 'not funny', typing on my phone is a bitch
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:19, Reply)

That'd be a lovely approach if it weren't for the way that, whenver someone ignores you, you go around crowing about it for days
like it's some sort of a badge of honour.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:45, Reply)

baldmonkey
that is all
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Eh?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Not you
From this
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Ahah.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

If you're referring to the things I said about you when you weren't here
You insulted me when I was around, I retaliated when I was but you weren't, the whole thing resolved itself when we were finally here at the same time.

Baldvirgin etc etc
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:16, Reply)

Eh?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:29, Reply)

I don't understand why you come on here just to try and fight with people though
can't you just go and troll the Twilight forums or something?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Twilight forums are a bit easy.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Everyone fights back with him though
I think they love it really
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I think it's kind of annoying
like when you're out with your friends and someone always brings along a person that you don't really like and everytime you think "I'll give them another chance, they're not that bad" and then they spend the whole night doing nothing to endear themselves to anyone and just being generally irritating until you just want to point out that no one there really likes them so that they'll leave. Then next time they're out again, the cycle continues.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Well, that and Bert is good at picking people who'll respond.
You'll have noticed he doesn't get anywhere near as far with people who don't have an obvious button for him to push.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:49, Reply)

yeah true
trolling is just annoying though, I think you have to be a bit of a loser to enjoy doing things like that, what's the point in trying to annoy someone you don't know, just so they'll fight with you? It smacks of being a bit desperate for attention IRL.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:52, Reply)

We're all he's got, Kitty.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:00, Reply)

oh dear, that poor poor man!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

this is just so sad.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Painfully embarrassing

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

I am sorry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:09, Reply)

I meant he was sad, not you belmtard.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:30, Reply)

He can fuck off in all mind
This website has far too many bumders with poor taste in music..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:49, Reply)

erm
what have I missed?

Honestly, I stop lurking round here for just a few weeks, and it all gets nasty.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:34, Reply)

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says "I've got a whisky named after you"
and the horse says, "What...Colin?"

And the same thing happened with a Wild Turkey the next day
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:32, Reply)

But I thought he was the monkey in the bath?

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:34, Reply)

He gets around a bit does Colin.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:34, Reply)

I think "Colin" is the default comedy name for animals

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

The monkey is called Nigel when I tell that joke.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

don't be ridiculous
monkeys aren't called Nigel
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

That is what makes it more funny.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:39, Reply)

it just makes it ridiculous
you've got to have an element of realism
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Then surely he should be called Bubbles
or Bonzo.
Possibly Cheetah.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:50, Reply)

9 year olds don't worry about realism.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:50, Reply)

That's why they like my cock
they don't realise it's unrealistically small.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

It's also the default name
in the (Tommy Cooper?) joke about one in five of the world's population being Chinese.

"There's five of us in my family, so one of us must be Chinese. There's my mum and dad, me, my brother Colin and my other brother Yim Hang. I think it's Colin."
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Close the thread
This one WINS.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

That man
was a true genius.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:53, Reply)

His one liners were classic.
A sad loss to British comedy.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Oh hang on,
here's another
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Shakespeare went into a pub.
The barman said "You're bard".
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

*guffaw*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:35, Reply)

Oh hang on, here's another - Man walks into a bar.
Says "Ow!!" - it was an iron bar.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Horse walks into bar
Barman says "We don't serve your type round here"
Horse starts giving it 'all that' and doing pincer movement with his hooves while being ejected
An Irishman says to the barman "why did you do that?"
The barmen says "because we AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare"

You get the picture
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

A guy and his son are at the doctor's
The doctor says to the dad, 'I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but you have cancer, and I'm afraid it's terminal'
In shock, the dad tells his son that he must live a long and fruitful life, and to celebrate that they go to the pub for a couple of drinks.
In the pub, as their knocking back a couple of pints, the dad's friends come over and ask why all the sad faces. The father replies 'it's because I just found out I have AIDs, and don't have long to live'.
They carry on celebrating for the rest of the night, when on the way home the son asks 'dad, you have cancer, why did you tell your friends that it was AIDs?'
He replies, 'I don't want any of those cunts shagging your mum when I'm gone'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:36, Reply)

haha
amazed I've not heard that before
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Me neither.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:39, Reply)

That's really insensitive, V
Laughing at an AIDs joke in a Monty Boyce thread, shame on you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I'm sure he is devastated

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:46, Reply)

aw, you were so close

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Is this going to be brought up every thread?

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Two Brummies fishing in a canal
"Have you caught anything yet?"

"Yeah, I caught a whale. I had to throw it back in though"

"Why"

"Most of the spokes were bust".

[edited for spelling retardedness]
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:44, Reply)

hahaha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:46, Reply)

I read that as "Who Bumders fishing in a canal"

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Surely it's two brummies, not who?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:50, Reply)

You're right
It's early and I'm retarded.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Haha
Still wrong.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:51, Reply)

His fingers are numb where the end of the whip caught them
Serves him right - he should be working not posting on B3ta from the loo.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Oi!

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I know your nasty little secrets
like nipping into the posh loos at work...
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I love how it's still wrong.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Brummie chav in his new white trainers.
Friend say - 'yow've got a layce ondon'.
Chav says - 'nah, iat sez on tha sole Taiwan'
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I've tried my best to say that in a brummie accent in my head
but I just don't get it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:07, Reply)

'tie one'

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

ahhh I was looking in all the wrong places for the joke
I thought it was in the first line.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:32, Reply)

It was easy to overlook.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Which bird can fly and eats stones
The flyingstoneeater
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:52, Reply)

this joke is so silly
I love it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:54, Reply)

It's very good when you are very drunk
and you say it as if it wasn't a joke and have your friends thinking about it for a while.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Abs, you're a lovely person and someone I'm glad to call a friend but.........
That joke was crap.

Vipros loves it, thus proving my point.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:55, Reply)

it's clearly beyond your comprehension

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Whatever!

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

As I said to Vipros
It has to be told in the right moment in the right way. Everytime I've done it, everybody ends pissing themselves laughing. Go, try.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

USA got through to the knockout round.
*badum tish, I'll be here all day
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:55, Reply)

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:55, Reply)

That's bad parenting.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

No, that's Thalidomide

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:57, Reply)

Beer snorts!

( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I expect to be reminded of this at every opportunity.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

I'll do my best.

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Are you having a baby!?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
No. There are certain aspects of the Geneva Convention that forbid it.

That, and the wife's strict "You shall not impregnate me until I am 30" regime.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Awww I was getting all excited there
There are going to be two babies at the Wedding. I haven't met one of them yet, but I'm assured she is very cute. The one I have met is definitely very cute.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:05, Reply)

You sound like you're a baby pimp, here.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Why, are you interested in buying one
I'm not saying I could help you, but you know, if you were interested, maybe I know someone, it's all I'm saying.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Is this some kind of contract arrangement?
When can I upgrade? How many free minutes do I get?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Oh it would be great if you could have a kid for a couple of years
and then upgrade to a better one.

I intend to bin my kid as soon as it grows out of the tiny pair of Converse I'm going to buy for it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

She should seriously consider that position
I'm glad I didn't wait until I was 30 before having the nuggets.

Not saying she shouldn't...just that she should consider it carefully.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:08, Reply)

The real reason is that by the time she's 30
she is hoping to have found a better husband than DiT.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:09, Reply)

*snort*

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

You bastard!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

I'm a *great* husband, me.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:11, Reply)

You're a *first* husband
.....

Just saying.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:14, Reply)

*Only*, I hope.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Unless you died
then I'm sure you wouldn't mind her taking a second husband, to fulfil her womanly needs.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I'd come back and fucking haunt her.

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:24, Reply)

like doing DIY?
/dad joke
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:24, Reply)

I'm sure she does it herself quite a lot
I would if I was married to DiT.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:27, Reply)

only because thinking of coming home to him would make you moist
and you'd have to take yourself in hand
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Ha, we'll see.
She was shopping for baby stuff the other day (for her friend) and she looked awfully like she was starting to nest... She was horrified when I pointed this out.

I just don't want to be a really old dad, as long as I'm not 80 when my kids are 30 then I'll be happy.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Your only five years older than her, you won't be an old dad.

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

You don't want to be the embarrassment at sports' day
You want to be the dad who wins all the races.
I won the mums' race at the playgroup - to be fair most of the other mothers were either morbidly obese or pregnant.
Didn't stand a chance at the primary school races - mothers came with proper running spikes and coaches.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Hahaha
I'll do this.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:19, Reply)

my dad will be almost 80 when I'm 30.

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:15, Reply)

OLDFATHERLOLZ
I bet he can't get a visa.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Didn't say it's a bad thing
It's just not what *I* want.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:20, Reply)

I don't think he wanted it either to be honest.
mum gave him the choice of children and her, or no her at all - so they had kids!
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:22, Reply)

I fucking love that joke

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:56, Reply)

DiT!!!
How's the week off been so far?
I miss you. And her :(
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Good thank you.
London to Brighton was brilliant, and we had a nice day out yesterday bowling, going to the aquarium and then a trip on the river.

Today I am waiting for my iPhone 4 to be delivered.

How's you?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I'm well good ta luv
Malmo is booked and we have to spend some time in DENMARK too!!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:26, Reply)

The other day, I arrived at the bus stop just as the bus was pulling up
and I noticed a girl waiting, who had no legs and no arms.

"Hello", I said to her. "How are you getting on?"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:58, Reply)

haha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 9:59, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar
and the barman says "why the long face?"




"I've got horse AIDs" the horse replies.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

*snorts*

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:05, Reply)

My absolute favourite joke ever
is the one where David is asked to look after a parrot for a few days while the owner is on holiday. Being a nice person he agrees, not realising this parrot is the foulest most abusive bird ever. As soon as it arrives it begins swearing at him and calling him names, beginning to alienate his family and friends and making him generally miserable. One day fed up of the taunts and abuse he picks up the parrot and chucks it in the freezer. For the first four hours he can hear squawks and abuse then suddenly it goes quiet. Panicking that he has killed his friend's parrot he opens the freezer fast, only to see a bedraggled parrot walk out and calmly say.

'I am most heartily sorry for any offence I may have caused and will endeavour not to do so again.' David is amazed, and the parrot continues. 'If I could ask one question? What did the chicken do?'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Very good.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:03, Reply)

In the version I'd heard
the parrot fucked the chicken. I think that says quite a lot about the people I associate with....
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I think my one might be better
it's always good to have a small store of polite jokes so you're not stuck for one
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Well at least now I can select the appropriate ending to suit the audience

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:34, Reply)

I agree
unfortunately the politest joke I know involves sherlock holmes, lemon curd and a young boy's arsehole
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I don't know if it's going to work
An English and an Spanish are on a boat. The English falls into the water and starts shouting: "Help, help, help!"

The Spanish answers: "Sorry, I have no gel*, only shampoo"

*Gel and Help both in Spanish accent sound very similar
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:02, Reply)

If Vic and Bob told this joke then it would make sense.
*English surreal comedians*
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

...

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:04, Reply)

What can you sit on, wear, and eat?
A chair, trousers, and bread.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

Oh, well

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:11, Reply)

And there was me thinking of my ex-husband

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Another one
How do you keep an idiot busy?
(Read below)

How do you keep an idiot busy?
(Read above)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:10, Reply)

dammit!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:12, Reply)

This one I love. *laughs*

( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Finally
I thought I couldn't make you even smile.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:15, Reply)

I love this one
I like the variation of writing it on a piece of paper with "PTO" instead of "read below".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:35, Reply)

PTO?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Please Turn Over

(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:38, Reply)

sorry, I forget you're a Spaniard

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:44, Reply)

That'd be even funnier
With the person turning the paper again and again.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Gordon Brown and Peter Mandelson
are reacquainting themselves with the countryside, strolling through fields, having hired a sheepdog to complete the image. Eventually they come to a tiny little pub in the middle of nowhere. As they stand idly chatting by the bar, a shepherd comes in from the other room and with his walking stick lifts up their dog's tail and has a good stare, grunts and leaves. The same thing is repeated by two other shepherds until intrigued by this, Gordon asks the barman what is going on.

'Ah," says the barman. 'Someone told the other room there was a sheepdog with two arseholes in here'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:21, Reply)

politilolz

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:23, Reply)

haha
I read that as polite-lolz and I was thinking 'surely it isn't that bad'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:26, Reply)

I'm also still drunk
*drunk fives*
( broadsword, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I fuggin love you Broadsword
Yer ma besht pal....


*wets self*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:58, Reply)

yeshn
yeshn

yeshn

fuggit
( broadsword, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:58, Reply)

Bert.
I take offence at him ridiculing my mum and I'm the lunatic? He's a laughable shitcunt.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:33, Reply)

without the laughable bit

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Exactly, he used to be funny, then he became a cunt

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:41, Reply)

That's what riles me
the offensiveness is acceptable if it's witty, but when it's just a lame attempt at being 'edgy' it just comes across as a bit sad. Also, even with b3ta I do think there's a line. I wouldn't hesitate to make a dead baby joke, but if someone on here had just suffered a miscarriage I'd probably hold my tongue for a while.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Unless it was Blaireau69
in which case it's fair game.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:52, Reply)

harsh words Al
I don't like being mean to him so I put him on ignore so his supercilious posts don't annoy me anymore. I am so zen.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:53, Reply)

But that was me joking about joking about Blairea69s child dying
In reality I wouldn't actually post anything.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

me neither
but mostly because he's on ignore.

Although he went on ignore after that apology for being irritating he posted a while ago, so I'm quite unforgiving.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:09, Reply)

he's still irritating

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

He is tedious, but I now know why his sense of humour might be struggling.
I didn't know about his child.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Just a second, I'm getting confused.
Last week Al started a thread which was essentially "I've just upset a recently bereaved person on the internet" which I understood to mean that he is a massive cunt. But then he posts some stuff that suggests that whilst he may indulge in a little light internet cunting, he's not entirely cunty in real life. However I can't help but think that his posts regarding Bertsexmonkey/Monty Boyce/Blaireu69 have slight element of "cuntiness is only acceptable when directed at people I don't like" which suggest cliquey cuntiness.
So Al, I hope I'm not being overly personal when I ask, what sort of cunt are you?

Perhaps a clear the air cunt amnesty is in order. We all declare the depth and specialist areas of cuntery, join hands and sing "We Are The World", and then we have a clean slate from which to start being rude about each other.
(Cave Duck, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:51, Reply)

You're coming a little late to the party here
but my post the other day was about how I felt bad because a friend of a friend had recently been bereaved and I was not aware of this and posted an inappropriate comment on the friends facebook page which she then removed. Why does that make me a massive cunt?

I've been pretty clear that abstract jokes about offensive subjects, being very much teh norm here, are part and parcel of b3ta, what I'm objecting to with Bert is his continued attacks against Monty and becky with a direct insults about members of their family which he knows are very personal.

There is a world of difference between me saying that you are an extremely boring twat and, knowing that your daughter was just killed in a car crash, making comments, only to you, about children dying in car crashes.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:05, Reply)

Salient, and apt.. Didn't he do an awful Jessie joke?
It's the quite childish desire to be shocking simply to get attention that is so unnecessary as the boy can be very amusing. If only he had the confidence to be witty without that fallback of being offensive.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Yeah I've seen a couple of Jessie jokes
I never knew the girl, but I do think it's abhorrent to take the piss about it when a fellow b3tan is obviously devastated by it.

Maybe I should be nicer to him, he's probably a bit of a lamewad IRL.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:01, Reply)

You like curry, right?
you know sometimes you bite into something that tastes sort of bitter/sweet/nasty (probably a clove or dardomom pod) so you take a swig of beer, and get back into the korma. Bert's like that - interrupts your enjoyment, leaves a bad taste, but not enough to put you off your meal. It may be he is an essential spice, but I very much doubt it!
Christ, I'm hungry now.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:07, Reply)

I can't hack curry unfortunately
If I'm honest, Thai sweet chilli Sensations are about my limit!

I know, I know, I'm lame.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:09, Reply)

You like coronation chicken, right?
etc.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I do but that's not really spicy
Korma is all I can take.

Although I've heard speak of something milder than a korma, a pasander?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:12, Reply)

I am male, and unable to help you here.

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:13, Reply)

passandas are quite nice
tastier than a korma I would say.

I eat faals though, because I'm a man
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:19, Reply)

fucking hell
you are lame
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I thought she would like the comparison
of Bert to something you might tread in outside a takeaway.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:12, Reply)

I can see how it panned out
He wanted to make a grandiose return to these pages with his gimmick being the guy too cool for school who'll say shocking things other people wouldn't dare. Deep down though I guess he's just a normal guy.

But his consistent dick-waving gets him involved in arguments where his irreverent "I don't give a shit" persona slips and he starts getting intensely personal while claiming not to. It's cringeworthy to read and I try and skip over most of it but his attitude has obviously taken him out of his depth at times.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Yeah that's the word for it, cringeworthy!
I read them and I just think "oh god you're so sad".
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:01, Reply)

I think he's pretty sexy
I hope he shows me his bumhole
( broadsword, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:02, Reply)

show us your breasts

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:03, Reply)

01100010 01110010 01100101 01100001 01110011 01110100 01110011

( broadsword, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:05, Reply)

HOT

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Bi

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:10, Reply)

ACTION

( broadsword, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 11:11, Reply)

Stealing jokes is fun!
There’s a Mexican, a black guy and a white guy walking along the beach, they find a lamp, rub it and POOF, a genie appears and agrees to grant them each one wish.
The Mexican says “I want all my Mexican brothers to be happy, and you know, back in Mexico.” So POOF, the wish is granted, and the Mexican disappears.
The black guy says “I want for all of my African Brothers to be happy and back in Africa.” So POOF, the wish is granted, and the black man disappears.
The genie finally goes up to the white guy and says, "What will your wish be?"
The white guy says, "You mean to tell me that all of the Blacks and Mexicans are out of the country?"
The genie says, "Well, that is what they wished for!"
So the white guy says, "In that case, I’d like a coke."
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:16, Reply)

I don't get this

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:18, Reply)

I think the white guy is american.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Is he happy, is that why he wants a coke?

(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:22, Reply)

Yep
There's not really anything better he could ask for
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:27, Reply)

This joke doesn't make sense and neither is it funny
He could have asked for some champagne, this would have made it more obvious that he was celebrating. But that just makes it more obvious that it's a crap racist joke.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:33, Reply)

It's from a film
Thought some people would recognise it.

The original is much more racist.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:39, Reply)

I was thinking of coke like the drug
and was confused.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 24 Jun 2010, 12:52, Reply)