I can't Facebook much for a little while
One of my grandads is sick. Lung cancer. I'm cool with this. He's smoked and drank since he was a little kid and he's led a charmed life until 84. He's done well and I've said my goodbyes.

Anyway, my cousins are doing that on the hour Facebook update thing, along with talk of angles and lots of hearts. It's too weird and public for me to cope with, but I'll have scorn heaped upon me if I don't join in the grief-fest.
I'm also pissed off that I found out the prognosis from Facebook before my dad had a chance to leave the hospital and call me.

I spent more time socialising with him and listening to his stories over the years than they could ever be arsed to do. But now that he's about to pop his clogs, he's a valuable commodity in the tragedy market.
I know people can grieve how they want, and believe me they will when he goes, with full-on week-long scouse wake/funeral gear.
I'm just not into it, so I'm staying low, that way I can't be accused of ignoring their very public festival of wallowing.

Scousers, eh, they don't half conform to stereotypes don't they? ;)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 22:59, 109 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

sad to hear about your grandfather
but glad he had a good run of it. Know exactly what you mean about tragedy-cunts on facebook though. Same goes for hourly updates during labour
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:14, Reply)

Ugh, centimetrelolz!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:15, Reply)

I defriended the only person who did that
I'd met them at a festival luckily so we weren't close.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:17, Reply)

Not close, but very intimate via the medium of Facevag

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:18, Reply)

pretty much
luckily not her RLVag given the extension (no idea what the word is)
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:21, Reply)

DIlation I think...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:23, Reply)

horrific mental images
this reminds me of why I shall never have children
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:24, Reply)

^ this
I vividly remember, at the age of about 10 I would guess, being told how babies are born following the birth of my youngest cousin.
'WHAT?! They come out of WHERE? But babies are massive!'. The initial shock and disgust has been tempered somewhat by the passage of time but the reaction remains greatly the same - there just ain't no fucking way.
(berk, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:27, Reply)

biology class
age 11 they showed us a birth video (quite obviously to inspire the reaction I had which was being violently sick and vowing never to have children). I couldn't believe that no-one else felt ill, and some of them were even cooing over the end product
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:29, Reply)

Yeah, I was present
during part of my sisters labour. I genuinely can't say that the eventual production of small screaming thing swayed me. The main things I recall are lots of swearing and the midwife coming in to check on my sister and saying 'You're about 8cm dilated, so just a few more to go' and thinking that there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing about the words 'eight centimetres' that I want to be used in conjunction with that part of my anatomy, thanks.
(berk, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:38, Reply)

spare a thought for poor TGB then

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:03, Reply)

Clungebook surely?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:38, Reply)

My other half
occasionally leaves his facebook logged in on my laptop. The first time he did it, I had a nosy but brief scroll down his front page, and the outpouring of chavly dribble of the 'rip babez ur wiv da angles now' variety prompted me to remark: 'Christ, you don't half know some fuckwits'. He gloomily told me that about 50% of the nonsense on there was the work of two of his cousins, both of whom he had tried to defriend several times but who simply kept re-adding him and then whining when he turned them down.
Typical example:
'OMG i jus saw a fuckin dog take a shit!!!!11! thatz like well funneh innit' etc. Christ I despair of the whole human race sometimes.
(berk, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:25, Reply)

Sometimes I really try not to be so distant
and join in a bit, to make family gatherings less buttock-clenchy.
It doesn't work. I don't want to buy knocked off Juicy tracksuits.
If she had knocked off New Look I might be into it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:28, Reply)

if you're going to shoplift
or knock things out why not go for the good stuff?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:31, Reply)

Ah, the ones
made of velour with writing across the arse? Nice. Your family is almost as classy as mine*

*No offence, like...
(berk, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:31, Reply)

To be fair, my mother's side aren't quite as rough
They're common and clinically fucking bonkers, but I can have proper conversations with them and express my opinions and probably be agreed with rather than laughed at or glassed.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:33, Reply)

I saw someone off the internet fall off a chair in Yorkshire once.
It was well mint. I couldn't help stauch the trickle of blood for chuckling in mild amusement.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:35, Reply)

Your uncle is Raoul Moat's brother's cousin
aicmfp.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:24, Reply)

*hands it over*
Actually all but one bloke are really placid.
The women are a bit nuts.
They don't scrap at weddings, but they're all haaaard.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:25, Reply)

I can't believe how many people are saying he was a gentle giant
"nice bloke, wouldn't hurt a fly, was let down by the system" etc.

No, he was a troubled man with a shit background who made his own choices, got into bother, was locked up for it then decided to maim two people (one of whom was the mother of one of his kids) and murder another. Plus, if the mother of his other two kids is to be believed, was prone to a bit of violence and rape over a nine year period.

Yeah, a nice guy. It's sad his kids are left without a dad (debateable, in context) and his family have been bereaved (not that they've been in contact for years) but really, no great loss in the wider context.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:32, Reply)

I'm well curious to see how this Taser business pans out though
(and yes. What you said)
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:34, Reply)

I don't care about any of that
he had a face like a testicle, and for that alone, he is my hero
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:34, Reply)

OMG!
You should totally set up a Facebook page, innit?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:41, Reply)

Granddads are the best
mine is a cantankerous, miserable old misogynistic git. I love him to bits and look upon him as my only male role model.
Sorry for your loss and all that, at least until I can think of a joke, or a way of changing the lyrics to Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' so that it includes something about Granddads dying of Lung cancer anyway.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:29, Reply)

"I'm your biggest nurse, I'll sponge you down until you're happy,
Grandad's, Grandad's raspy!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:31, Reply)

You're better than me!
*high five*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:33, Reply)

:D

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:36, Reply)

Wait, I got it!
Baby ain't no other superkings in my Lungs-y,
Papa-Papacarcinomas

...yeah, that was shit. Totally not worth it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:32, Reply)

That was poor
And full of tar
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:35, Reply)

What's shit, bald and likes Marlboro reds?
Gail Poor-tar
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:36, Reply)

Redeemed

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:36, Reply)

I'm the best Granddad on the internet.
Trufax.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:33, Reply)

If my granddad wasn't a technophobe he'd come in here and kick your arse

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:35, Reply)

I'm just a bunch of pixels
so his fists would merely flail helplessly through the binary code for a bit before he gave up and went back to felching kittens.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:37, Reply)

My granddad would find a way to make it work
he fought in two world wars, in his mind anyway, he'd proper knack you right in the fuck
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:38, Reply)

If my OTHER grandad was online you would not say that

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:35, Reply)

Let's fuckin' do 'im, Roota
I don't know who the hell he is, coming around here slagging off people's terminally ill granddads and superhero mental killers. What an insensitive bastard
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:37, Reply)

My granddad's more terminally ill than Roota's.
He's been dead for 35 years. Beat that!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:40, Reply)

SHIT!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:41, Reply)

I noes!
I saw it happen and everything.

I did actually
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:42, Reply)

I saw my nana so there
And I have a biological grandad who died 16 years ago.
But I met him twice and he was a prick.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:46, Reply)

I wish I could join in
maybe I should make up a grandad
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:41, Reply)

Go on
He could be awesome
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:44, Reply)

he was fucking awesome
he fought in three world wars, juggled small kittens safely, and only ate peppered ham
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:46, Reply)

Legend

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:46, Reply)

He's only a legend
if he shot three people, killed one of 'em and then led the coppers a merry dance in the Northumberland countryside for a week.

Anything else is just in the realms of slightlyawesome.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:48, Reply)

absolutely
what a man. He died before I was born, but learnt how to timetravel so he could rock me to sleep every night as a baby, and teach me how to fix B-12s as a child
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:48, Reply)

But did he blow his brains out on a Northumberland river bank?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:51, Reply)

that was his first mistake

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:52, Reply)

you say that like there have been others since?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:53, Reply)

blame QOTW
for that joke.

But did you not read about the timetravel?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:53, Reply)

of course I did
but following his own timelne, whether he made mistakes in our future or not, they would still be.. oh wait, I have no idea what I'm talking about, causality or something.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:57, Reply)

it could be
that killing himself there meant that his timeline ceased. Or that he duplicated himself somehow by doubling back in time and living a second life that would enable him to keep on timetravelling.

Which doesn't work as a theory but is the best I've got to explain my foolish statement
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 0:00, Reply)

Considering the time of day
your brain is working far too efficiently for my liking, and as a result I'm going to lower the tone by saying cock.

'Cock'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 0:11, Reply)

Rooster
It's an hour later here as well
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 0:16, Reply)

An hour later where?
Are you off on your holidays or something?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 0:25, Reply)

And his last, paradoxically.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 23:53, Reply)

When that Johnsons' heir socialite lesbian bird died
Tila Tequila posted updates on twitter that said "The love of my life is gone, I am devastated, please respect my privacy at this time"

10 mins later...

"I miss her so much, I just want to be left alone"

10 mins later

"I don't know what I'll do without her, I just want some privacy"

You want privacy? Stop updating fucking twitter then you vapid bint!

Also, the next day when she went to the girl's house to collect some belongings, this was the picture taken of her outside:
i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2010/01/09/article-0-07CABA55000005DC-394_468x735.jpg

Looks pretty grief stricken...

To be honest though I love Tila Tequila, she's fucking hilarious.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:00, Reply)

Haha, my cousin's wife didn't look too far off this at Nana's funeral
She had the lesser ones fixing her hair, jewellery and bra strap every time she came a bit unfixed.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:11, Reply)

I have no idea who Tila Tequila actually is.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:14, Reply)

She's one of those people who is famous for nothing.
She started out on Myspace "singing", but the only reason she got attention was because she used to 'sing' in her underwear and stuff. Then she did a reality show called "Shot of Love with Tila Tequila" where a group of girls and a group of guys competed for her love, because she's bisexual. That show is just awesome. It's so ridiculous and tacky and trashy and shite, I love it.

You should check out her song Fuck Ya Man, it's brilliant.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:32, Reply)

oh dear god. I'm going to do that....

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:36, Reply)

what
sing on myspace in your underwear?
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:40, Reply)

nah, find tila tequila.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:47, Reply)

hehe
i know, happy browsing!
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:50, Reply)

That series was especially hilarious for the only episode I ever caught, where she turned down the guy, and then got turned down by the girl
Just made me laugh
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:40, Reply)

yeah! that was the final of Shot of Love II!
I know too much about this.

It's just hilarious that there are people out there like that, the contestants take it all so seriously. I loved it when that bird shot her down, it was proper humiliating. And a nice revenge on her for making them eat pig fadge.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:59, Reply)

She was a model before her MySpace 'career'
A friend of mine met her when they were 'car babes' at a car show (in Canada). She's rather hot, and I fancied her before she became famous, which makes me awesome.
"A shot at love" is hilariously American and bad!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:22, Reply)

she is dead pretty
she's just such a mess and so trashy, it's funny.

Did you ever catch Flava of Love with Flava Flav? It was pretty much the same premise, women competing for Flava's love. He used the opportunity to sleep with as many of them as possible and spent most of his time absolutely baked.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:54, Reply)

this
is why I don't do Facebook, at my age it will be a sea of people talking about their babies, and their dinner parties that as the only singleton in the gang i get conveniently not invited to

God my working day is about 5 hours of meetings, bring on the snoozing with my eyes open
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:42, Reply)

You know you don't have to get updates from certain people
only the interesting ones. If you don't know any interesting people this may be troublesome.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:59, Reply)

I'm on Facebook,
but I get pissed when people update their status every 5 mintues - like what they've eaten for lunch or what their dinner will be. My brother constantly tells how many arrests he's made that night....mom uses it to tell me to get in touch if I haven't talked to her for a day! But...mom introduced me to b3ta, so I can't complain too much!
(nolongernuts, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:02, Reply)

That's what status updates should be about
food, or the awesome duck with an afro that you've just seen.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

A common one is
"OMG.. Sum ppl are so MEAN.. Y dont they jus get a life????"
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:06, Reply)

Duck with an afro?
Now I'm intrigued.
(nolongernuts, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Crispy Shaft in orange sauce?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:31, Reply)

I hate to sound stupid,
but what's a scouser?

Sorry to hear about your grandad. Remember the memories you had with him.
(nolongernuts, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:53, Reply)

A scouser is someone from Liverpool.

( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:54, Reply)

Just to do the stereotype....
isn't that where the Beatles are from?
(nolongernuts, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Yep

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:11, Reply)

Yeah, yeah, yeah - shurely?

( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:03, Reply)

And it's just up the road from London, not far from Lye-cesster and Loogabarooga.

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

see:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scouse

Roota is scouse. This is what she looks like:
i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/Danilao/chav_female.jpg
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:02, Reply)

I thought that was you?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:11, Reply)

She wishes she was that cool

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:29, Reply)

That's what I'm aspiring to
I've only got so far as the mini skirt and multi-toned hair, I need to level up a few more times before I can be UBERCHAV
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:46, Reply)

here you go -
wiki:scouser
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Sorry to hear about your grandad.
I still think of mine even now and he died ages ago. He was poorly all his life due to the war but I remember him drawing pictures for me as a kid and giving me sweets that he always kept by his bed. Your grandad has definitely had a good innings despite his lifestyle.

You're probably doing the right thing to stay away from all of that. I wouldn't be able to cope with it.
( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Sorry about your grandpa
But if he had a good life, as you said, at least it's not so bad.

I'm quite lucky I don't have chavs in my facebook, we're all very well educated. Still, I have a mexican girl who I thought was a good friend, but I'm changing my mind about her. She keeps posting stupid things always finishing every sentence with LOL. Drives me mad.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:17, Reply)

If you can't beat them, join them.
Why don't you try to out-wail them? Be as teary-eyed as an Oscar winning actress peeling onions; then go rob the cathedral of candles so you can have the Woodstock of all vigils.
That'll show the fuckers not to try and out-scouse our kid.

(PS My commiserations to you - take care pal.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 9:29, Reply)

Haha they wouldn't know what had hit em if I turned on the tears!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Blimeh, Roota, you're all grown up and everything.
Sad to hear Grandad's time is up. Glad he enjoyed it while he could.

Somewhen a whole lot of people chucked away the stiff upper lip thing and went for full on public grieving. I blame Diana. There's a strong whiff of exhibitionism about some displays.
( Larry Vest One day at a time, sweet Jesus, FFS., Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Sorry to hear about your grandpappy
But it sounds like he had a good innings.

Time to stand in solidarity with the family in your best mourning (track)suit, dust off your finest Lizzy Duke and provide an hourly feed of incoherent drivel featuring such phrases as "OMG cn't beleeve hez gon" and "wiv da angles now bbz miss u."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:04, Reply)

Ta you lot
Let's hope they don't trust me with eulogy duty again ;)
He's still here, btw. I bloody told them so simmer down!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 10:36, Reply)