Following on from this;
b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post835971

What's the most pathetic chat up technique you've been on the receiving end of?
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:46, 133 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Several
the worst was probably the lesbian who pushed me up against a wall and told me she had no knickers on.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:48, Reply)

I'm not a lesbian
I just thought you'd want to know.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:08, Reply)

...is that to say it would be better if it were a man?
(Either way, I feel the need to try it as a chat-up line)
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Dressed in my Surf LifeSavers uniform on NYE.
"C'mere love and give us the kiss of life would you?"
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:51, Reply)

Someone who I had known as a friend
at school since about 11, drunkenly slurred to me many years later "I really fancied you when you were 12".

Hmmm.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:51, Reply)

"You don't own a rape alarm, do you?"

( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:52, Reply)

just crap opening lines usually, but some are ridiculously crap
"i really like your car" (admittedly my best feature by quite some way)

"your eyes are amazing, are they real?" (no, silicon implants, clearly)

"you ever had taxi-driver boyfriend before?" (no, and still no)

"can you hold my pint in your cleavage?" (probably, actually)

not to mention almost daily on here:

"i ain't pandering to you, bitch" (transparent lies)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:54, Reply)

Good to see I've got a mention in that list.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:55, Reply)

which one were you again?
or should that be "which one was you?"

grammar-ache.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:56, Reply)

I used to be called BobbyPires.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:56, Reply)

nope sorry
i have no idea who you are
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:57, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/search/posts/22005?q=chompy
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:00, Reply)

aaah yes, you're gonzo's boyfriend
i remember now
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:02, Reply)

You're her car?

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:56, Reply)

The only witty answer to that I can think of is so cheesy I can't bring myself to type it.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:03, Reply)

since when has that ever stopped you
or anyone else on here, to be fair
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:04, Reply)

I better than the rest of you.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:06, Reply)

you've just defined IRONY
in 7 short words.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:07, Reply)

I'VE GOT TWO POSTS ON BOTH THE OFFTOPIC AND TALK POPULAR PAGES

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:12, Reply)

it's been a productive day for you, i see
shouty caps or not
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:17, Reply)

Is your dad a thief?
Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes

Because I saw him nicking stuff from Asda earlier
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:56, Reply)

hey
less of the northerner bashing
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:57, Reply)

Ha!
One of my favourite false chat up lines. Sorry, couldn't resist.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:00, Reply)

it's the last acceptable form of racism
fucking hell, i don't even sound that northern, yet there i was minding my own business in the pub last night when this local drunk just yelled "ACORN ANTIQUES" at me. as you can imagine i was pretty pissed off, but it did turn out he didn't mean i looked like one, or even like anyone in the programme. he just thought i sounded like victoria wood. UNIMPRESSED.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:03, Reply)

I honestly didn't mean it like that - didn't even know you were Northern
I heard it in the Midlands a while ago, and have only ever been past Stoke about 5 times.

We're both honorable Southern Fairies now though. I bet you drink shandy.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:06, Reply)

noooo
champagne and vodka. sometimes together.

thanks!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:08, Reply)

The class really does just pour from you

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

into me, you mean
anyway, when are you coming to london?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

Probably end of next week for an interview
If successful, starting soon after.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:38, Reply)

fingers, toes, arms, legs etc
crossed then.

not eyes, though. not a good look.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 14:02, Reply)

What
cocktails for 8 pounds a go? There's only a few places you could be and receive those kind of chat up lines.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Hardly any
The worst was "Are you a friend of Dorothy"
I was so naive I didn't know what it meant and the fact that my sister did have a friend called Dorothy that I was quite friendly with led to some genuine confusion.

Probably worse for the chat upper than the chat upee, really.
(Cave Duck, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:54, Reply)

i don't think I've ever been chatted up
if I have, it was obviously so bad I thought they were just saying random crap
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:56, Reply)

"I'm going out with someone"
"I have a boyfriend", "get away from me" and others in the same vein. Women, they just won't leave me alone. I have to beat them off with a shitty stick, which in this case is rohypnol and a woodland burial.
( Kroney, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:58, Reply)

I once ruined my chances with a girl by saying
"You don't like Star Trek are you some sort of dick?"

I thought it was funny
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:59, Reply)

I would have laughed
which would have given you the perfect set up to scream "I DON'T FANCY YOU" before running away giggling.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:16, Reply)

giggling crying
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:44, Reply)

I would have laughed too
and probably fall on your arms and be yours forever. I was so fed up of being the one in the couple who understood all the nerd jokes :(

I would have killed for a boyfriend who knew Star Trek and Akira at least.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

I thought I was nerdy
but my current bf is obsessed with Pokemon, I really can't beat that
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:31, Reply)

You paedo scum.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:34, Reply)

there is a thin line between
cougar and paedo
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:40, Reply)

I liked pokemon
but then, all the chapters are the same. Having said so, I love Doraemon, and they have done more than 2100 chapters, and the story line in all of them is basically the same, but they're very original with the things he gets out of his pocket.

For the un-nerdy: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doraemon
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:41, Reply)

ok
who should I say my favorite pokemon is? Also annoying is it when I say Pokemons?
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:43, Reply)

Magikarp
And if he says anything about that, just shout SPLASH ATTACK in his face.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:47, Reply)

THIS IS A HILARIOUS POKEMON JOKE!!!!

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:59, Reply)

It's been a long time
I don't remember the names anymore. I remember some of the Digimons, though.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:48, Reply)

did you mean to write "how annoying is it"
or are you being Yoda?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:50, Reply)

Yoda am I

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Excellent another girl who fancies me online
you're going on the list.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:45, Reply)

As long as I don't meet you IRL
I think you can keep me on the list.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Too late I'm booking train tickets.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:48, Reply)

who's top of the list?
It had better be me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:50, Reply)

It's alphabetical.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:52, Reply)

Dammit.
If I didn't think someone would steal my original, I would change my name to 00AAKittyO'Hara
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:54, Reply)

000170KittyO'Hara?
Hexlolz
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)

how do you get off the list?
if you were on it in the first place, that is.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 14:03, Reply)

I donno, I'm a bit shit at this sort of thing. I'm much better at asking out someone where there is absolutly no chance of anything happening ever....
... it generally means I can be whitty and stuff 'cus it won't work anyway.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 12:59, Reply)

oh wait!
there was a guy on a dating site who offered to massage my feet with his 'member'
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:01, Reply)

Not chat-up line, but brush off line:
Having eaten face all morning, when her mates turned up and said they were going home, she looked at them, then at me with absolute horror, and said, "Erm ... erm ... I, erm ... I've heard that sex binds two souls together and I dunno about you but I'm bound to some people I really wish I wasn't and I can't, erm ... I don't think we should ... er ... "

Considering she could have just said "Bye then", I was really quite flattered.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:03, Reply)

wow
i think i shall try and use this sometime
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:06, Reply)

I wouldn't bother
Unless you're deliberately trying to appear like a spineless, pretentious idiot.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:23, Reply)

i don't need to try

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:24, Reply)

Your best options were twofold:
1. Lengthy Richard Dawkins-esque diatribe about the silliness of believing in supernatural entities such as the soul when there is clearly no evidence for there existence

2. Look deep into her eyes and say, "That's alright, dear...for you see, I HAVE NO SOUL."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

Do you like wine gums?
WELL WINE YOUR GUMS ROUND THIS [POINT TO PENIS]
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:04, Reply)

does this work on women who DON'T have false teeth?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:06, Reply)

he only says it to
octogenarians
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Yes.
Works on men too.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:09, Reply)

(Pearoast) "Hello, I am Mo's nephew. I have squirreled away some money!" *expectant grin*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:05, Reply)

I've said this one already
"Abe, you make my cock like a big black pudding"
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:05, Reply)

What? Engorged with blood?
Oh....yeah.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:10, Reply)

I wouldn't know
I didn't want to look at it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:15, Reply)

A girl tried to chat me up
by telling my mum she had a sexy son.
( Peej, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:06, Reply)

were you 8?

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:07, Reply)

Upon having my shopping delivered, the delivery driver said
"if you have any problems, just give me a call on my mobile, I'm the manager of the branch so I'll be able to sort things out for you"

Then he winked.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:12, Reply)

What was he supposed to think?
Your shopping was just lube and root vegetables.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:13, Reply)

I knew it was you.
Don't think blacking up is a good disguise.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Lawdy!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:21, Reply)

POTD

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

Don't knock it
He can probably get you free carrots.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:13, Reply)

I was veggie at the time so that would have been helpful
more helpful than the pepperoni pizza they substituted my cheese pizza for.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:15, Reply)

I don't use the delivery thing
but the Tesco my parents use delight in the Dali school of substitutions. My favourite being "we had no Granny Smith apples, so we've replaced it with a Glade air freshener."

Short of them doing substitutions on an alphabetical basis, I can't really see how they get from one to the other, I'll be honest.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

sometimes you get apple scented
perhaps they thought you just wanted to smell the apples
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:21, Reply)

It was probably apple flavoured glade.
They once substituted my sliced ham for an entire ham joint, so I think it must be entirely key word related. They also substituted lemon juice for lemon fairy liquid. It made the cakes taste funny.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

I love the fact you've both logically thought this through.
When my dad told me, I just assumed that Tesco were cretins.

and that we'd probably reached that point in our lives when we'd run out of things to talk about.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:24, Reply)

to be fair if I worked in Tesco
I'd make it a game to see who could replace items with the most inappropriate alternatives and still have them accepted by the customer.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:41, Reply)

I would so do this.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Veggies should be pitied
Vegans should be laughed at
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

Good idea
*goes downstairs to point and laugh at vegan colleague*
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:30, Reply)

It's not like they'd have the strength to chase you.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:33, Reply)

Free carrots are good
I like carrots, but too many of them can hurt.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:16, Reply)

Depends on where you're putting them I suppose.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:17, Reply)

up rabbits.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

Fairy nuff then.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

said Warren

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

I just laughed and I'm on the phone
that was dreadful.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:53, Reply)

and batteries for her "toys"

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:17, Reply)

Mine plug into the mains
batteries just don't have enough power.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:18, Reply)

Mine have a ripcord and a petrol engine.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:19, Reply)

hahaha
that presented a disturbing mental image.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:21, Reply)

Oh fucking hell
Gonzo petrol dildopiss.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:21, Reply)

V6 or V8?

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

W12.
Quad turbos.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Mine run on petrol.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Another oldie....
"Would you like to see my clock?"

"Not particularly."

*unzips fly and takes out tadger*

"Er...that's not a clock!"

"If it's got 2 hands and a face on it love, it's a clock."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:17, Reply)

Not really a chat up line, but said to a mate or a bloke.....
"Do you want to be mummy or daddy tonight?"....."Well come here and suck mummy's cock".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:18, Reply)

I've never been chat up :-(
But one of my friend hit the jackpot one night. Drunk Girl wandered up to him said "Can I have a birthday kiss?", he responded "I'd rather give you a birthday ****."

She looked at him, said "Alright then", got her coat, and they left. Lucky fuck.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Mandrax and quaaludes...
...but they do fuck with one's perception.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:20, Reply)

Heh.

(Cave Duck, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:23, Reply)

Fuck me, you're ugly



...and therefore well within my reach
(The Cat Hater punch a cow for the planet, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

shut up Bert

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:22, Reply)

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
(The Cat Hater punch a cow for the planet, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:25, Reply)

Was that becky who said that to you?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:26, Reply)

Allegedly used by my cousin.
Adam - "Would you like to dance?"

Girl replies "Yes - I would love to."

Adam - "Well off you go, love - I want to sit there and talk to your friend."
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:24, Reply)

Pearoast
Drunken 50yr old slag staggers up to me and says "I love your tattoos. I've got a tattoo of a strawberry on me arse, wanna add the cream?".
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:25, Reply)

Oh come on
that's quite good as far as it goes.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

She was grim
But I'll give her points for originality.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

And for wanting her back doors booted in.
Never underestimate that quality in a lady.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Normally I'd agree with you
But her face, body, odour and demeanour meant that achieving penile-engorgement sufficient for sodomy would be impossible.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:32, Reply)

Pour Dettol on her and MTFU.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:36, Reply)

o
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:30, Reply)

I hadn't had any for a while, ok?
I was backed up.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:31, Reply)

Also, it could have been worse
It could have been, I've got a W tattoo'd on each arse cheek, so that when you've finished with me it says "WOW"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:32, Reply)

not
quite sure how you made that worse, but you did. Well done
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:33, Reply)

years of practice.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:34, Reply)

I have a little sick in my mouth now

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

It put me right off my kebab

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:28, Reply)

And onto hers?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:39, Reply)

No

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:41, Reply)

Leave BGB out of this!
*runs*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:29, Reply)

You're lucky she's on holiday
She'd break you, boy.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:30, Reply)

She's tried in the past
I'm remarkably durable
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:39, Reply)

'my friend fancies you'
from a woman at least 30 years old.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:41, Reply)

How terrible of her friend to lie like that

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 25 Aug 2010, 13:42, Reply)