Oh dear.
This weekend I stayed in a lovely posh hotel. I was on my best behaviour all weekend, and got through it without getting angry and frustrated, and I even managed (against all the odds) to be pleasant, witty and charming.

Until, after a couple of bottles of lovely wine, I awoke from a slumber and relieved myself. A little later my wife went to the bathroom and woke me with a cry of "John, have you pissed in the bidet?" After some discussion, I discovered I had indeed pissed in the bidet and informed her it was a good job I hadn't needed a shit.

When have you been dismayed by your own crassness or general lack of house training?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:15, 109 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Sorry to change the subject slightly
I just came back from Madrid. The interviews went very well, I need to do an exam to prove that my English is good enough, but apart from that, it all went well.

Just a little problem, the job they offered me is for Madrid, the one for Mark in Chile. We told them we don't mind moving anywhere, but together, so they're going to think about it and let us know.

So, lovely weekend, meeting friends I hadn't seen in years. Very upset with the stupid woman who offered her house, insisted we should stay there and not at a hotel, and then forgot; went to spend the weekend somewhere else and let us know at 7:30pm that we didn't have a place to sleep.

Everywhere in Madrid was booked (Shakira gig; centenary of El Prado with free entrance; Goya exposition...) we got a hostel thanks to a no show from a couple. Just 36€/night in the crappiest place in the world, and extra 1.30€/shower. Unbelievable. If you ever go to Madrid, don't stay at Hostal Sirenas.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Glad to hear that interviews went well.
I can't imagine you'll have a problem with the English exam!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

I hope so :)
I don't even know where I have to do it. I need to find out.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Hope it gets sorted for you - sounds like a wonderful opportunity

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Thank you!

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I'm glad the interviews went well, let's hope they sort something out for both of you
Although it will be all of the sads to see you go
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Thank you
We should know something in a couple of weeks, I hope.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:33, Reply)

This is why I hate relying on people
they always let you down. My brother is very good at doing this.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Yes, I should have got the hotel from the begining
But she's a family friend and insisted a lot... stupid cow.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:33, Reply)

people never change
or then they do, but then they quickly change back.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Ha!
you and your Homer quotes.

Morning Swipey.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

hello darling
nice weekend?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

So so
nothing too exciting
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:10, Reply)

wish mine had been less exciting
i drank and ate so much i feel like henry viii today (minus the beard)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

That spanish orgasm advert girl looks a bit like you.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Psychochomp in "all people from Country X look the same" racist shocker

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:32, Reply)

I haven't seen that ad
or any other, as I don't watch TV. But I hope she's sexy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:34, Reply)

It's on BBC news
www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11795407
(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Oh, I don't look like her at all!
C'mon!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

You do, a bit, she could be your older sister.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:42, Reply)

I don't think so. I think Labia is right.

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Oy, pedro, I'm no racist.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Pedro?
That's a boy's name... Can you explain the joke for me, please?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Really glad the interviews went well!
Hope you and Mark can get great jobs together, preferably in the UK!
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:33, Reply)

The UK is sorted
in the worst case, I have a job in London already. It'll be sad to go, but on the other hand, if we don't try something like South America now, we'll never do it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:35, Reply)

A guy I know has just finished teaching History at an international school in El Salvador, and he's just moved to Brazil to continue doing the same.
Said it's the best thing he's ever done and he's never coming back. I'd love to do it someday. So go for it!
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Yes
We only need the job to be offered to us... They need to find something for the two of us, and I need to prove I can speak English.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Frequently!
I'm as common as a very common thing and have never had any thought to change. I actually take particular pleasure in being uncouth when around supposed posh people.

My sister in law makes me laugh though - she told her husband off for "not dressing appropriately to where we live". What?? They live in Rothwell, near Leeds. Yes, its a nice place but what??
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Your sister in law sounds like a class act.
by which I mean a social-climbing twat.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:40, Reply)

TICK!
She comes from North Featherstone and is common as muck
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:41, Reply)

If I can't be arsed to walk the twelve feet to the toilet I piss in the pint glass by my bed.
I fear there is no coming back from this.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:39, Reply)

What's wrong with pissing in a bidet?
You use it for washing your arse. Piss is the least of its concerns, frankly.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:42, Reply)

You could have said you were keeping the bog pristine for her
and that she should be fucking greatful!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Most stories like that involving my friends
finish with "wardrobe" or "laundry basket" or one one memorable occasion "girlfriend's handbag" rather than "bidet" so I'd consider "bidet" to be fine. It's more or less what it's for.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Or lifting the lid on the stereo and making a VERY expensive error.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:55, Reply)

It doesn't dismay me
but I piss in the shower. Apparently this is not the done thing at all.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:48, Reply)

hahaha!

( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:49, Reply)

don't see why not
urea is urea whether you're washing it off your skin or it's coming out of your bladder.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Well, that's it
I'm having a wash anyway, as I'm in the shower, the wee goes to the same place anyway, and I clean the shower tray when I'm done.
I wouldn't piss in the shower if someone else was in there with me though. That really IS wrong.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:52, Reply)

wrong a niche market
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:55, Reply)

That too
A niche I have no intention of filling, however. Scatophilia is revolting.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:57, Reply)

Scatophilia is shit

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:59, Reply)

Coprophilia isn't all it's curled out to be either.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:57, Reply)

+ and that's why I've been banned from the local swimming pool.....

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Weeing in the swimming pool
or in the bath is wrong, as well. You're essentially wallowing about in your own piss - no thanks.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:58, Reply)

That's
Golden.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Hi aber!
Booked my flights and can't wait to be there.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Wow!
I'm looking forward to it too! It's going to be fun!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Where are you going?

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 12:30, Reply)

the client we went out with last night
brought her boyfriend (well, i say "boyfriend", they are about 55) and apparently he prides himself on being shocking and unshockable.

he was no match for some of the phrases i have picked up from here. i wasn't sure whether to feel dirty or proud of myself by the end of the evening.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:52, Reply)

I claimed to be unshockable once,
soon after I decided never to say that again.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:53, Reply)

you can't tell half a story
go on, tell us the rest
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:54, Reply)

I was having a drink with two female friends
one whispersed something to the other and she burst out laughing and said "that's disgusting you grot bag"
I said something like "what is it I wont mind?"
After a bit of umming and arring she said that her tampon was hurting, I was eating at the time.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:58, Reply)

That's not bad.
It's not like she got the thing out to show you.
( girlinthehole, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:59, Reply)

....then wrapped it in a Rizla and sparked it up.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:04, Reply)

That really is terrible - Having no respect for the smoking ban.

(Cave Duck, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I know
You'd have to put the stringy end in your mouth, as well - how unpleasant.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Either that, or you write "ACME" on the side
and set light to the stringy bit and pretend it's a cartoon bomb.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

Haha great minds...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

*Bad taste high-fives*
great foul
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:16, Reply)

Or light it from that end
like a stick of menstrual dynamite.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

I wouldn't say that was particularly shocking or disgusting...

(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:01, Reply)

GIRLS ARE HORRIBLE

(PsychoChomp, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:01, Reply)

i've got to admit
i would never dream of saying anything of that sort to anyone. oh dear, hope you weren't eating pizza/tomato soup.

mind you, it does serve you right for being nosey enough to ask. court rules: 100% contributory negligence.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

SHE WAS BLEEDING FROM HER VAGINA!
That's a bit disgusting if you ask me.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:04, Reply)

well, al
as usual, nobody did ask you!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:09, Reply)

Yeah, well, fuck you swipey
go away and piss on poor people like you normally do
(Bazongaloid, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:11, Reply)

like they could afford my piss, al

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Wrong hole

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Heh.
I too have done this recently. I felt sorry for the poor middle aged chap we were with - he looked terrified. And slightly ill.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 10:55, Reply)

ha, which prime peaches did you trot out?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Can't remember anything specific now, I was drunk
I just remember that three people were howling with laughter and calling me a sick fucker, and one guy just looked petrified.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Rarely, in truth.
I remember in my mid-teens, crashing in the front door and vomiting so loudly in the downstairs lavatory that I woke both both my parents up. This is not very impressive unless you know the how large the house was - the loo was a 20 foot hall, two flights of stairs and then another corridor away from my parents' room.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:07, Reply)

Upon his first ever heavy drinking session
a friend of mine heaved so hard that he pulled the toilet away from the wall, nutted the cistern and passed out.
I had sensibly remained sober and was running round after three drunken dickhead teenage lads, one of whom had a bowl full of sick and wanted a bedtime story, one of whom was standing in his boxer shorts outside in the rain (to wash the sick off apparently) and the aforementioned comatose one whom I put in the recovery position.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

You paint a vivid picture.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

nice.
I once found my brother in a toilet unable to move - he'd gone for a shit, totally pissed, and needed to be sick so in a fit of genius vomited into his jeans and boxers which were, obviously, around his ankles. He then could not work out how to stand up without spilling the sick, so he just stayed there. For an hour until I broke the door lock.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:15, Reply)

I did something similar on holiday
Got back to our apartment, decided I needed a poo but also needed to cool down and wash the vomit from my mouth so pulled my trousers round my ankles, got in the shower, collapsed and proceeded to shit myself. Then I passed out. Great days.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:32, Reply)

First night out after first payday
involved gallons of diesel (snakebite and black if it is different elsewhere). I woke up and spewed in the morning and thought I'd ruptured my stomach as red and black sick flowed out. Scary!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I have done similar
Also with blue WKD. No one should ever throw up blue - it's quite troubling.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

no-one should ever drink blue WKD, to be fair.
Unless it's in the form of a cheeky Vimto.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

It was cheeky vimto
I have discovered I cannot tolerate port. (or the moderately large quantity of alcohol I had consumed prior to the cheeky vimto)
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:22, Reply)

drink better port.
No-one can be allowed to not tolerate port, that's fucking criminal.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:34, Reply)

I didn't say it's unpleasant stuff
It tastes rather nice - it just makes me incredibly ill.
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:37, Reply)

You just need to practice until it doesn't ;)

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:44, Reply)

Hmm
this approach sounds fine in theory, however the prospect of another 3 day hangover puts me off slightly...
(berk, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:45, Reply)

hehe!
I managed to throw up Special K with yoghurt and red berries a while ago - felt like I was squeezing out a spot from my throat - argh!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

When I was 15 I drank four litres of cider
at about two o'clock in the afternoon one Saturday - I was about to lose my virginity and was a trifle nervous. My parents were going out for the day and I met my girlfriend in the town.

End result: fountains of appley spew all over the hall and stairwell of my home. No sex. Bah.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:12, Reply)

2 litres of sherry
aged just 16 - ouch! I couldnt eat for 2 days
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:13, Reply)

Disgraceful.
I can understand the young lady not wanting you to 'mount her' due to the vomit-breath, but she could at least have had the decency to offer oral favours.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:14, Reply)

She couldnt get into position as he was speaking to the porcelain god

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:16, Reply)

I was nowhere near the porcelain, unfortunately.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:18, Reply)

It's amazing that you grew up to be the paragon of self restraint that you are today

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:16, Reply)

It is, rather, isn't it?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:17, Reply)

this almost sounds a tiny bit sarcastic?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Good God, Holmes, I think you're right!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Reading this sounds like you're using the Australian Questioning Intonation.
for shame!
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:21, Reply)

me?
never!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:32, Reply)

Just a little bit
but not in a nasty way, more in a "Oh Monty, you and your massive DruGz" kind of way.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:54, Reply)

I've still never been allowed to forget the disgraceful occasion
When, after one too many apéritifs, I went to be seated and made the ghastly error of stumbling into my chair before all the ladies in the room had sat down. As if that hadn't been bad enough, I then set about eating my soup with the dessert spoon! The looks I got from the people seated around me shall haunt me for the rest of my days...
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Fucking hell.
I bet you passed the port the wrong way, too. heathen.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I love you Crow.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Hahaha
I can easily imagine you wearing one of those 19th century outfits and talking posh and that :)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:33, Reply)

My sister can beat the lot of you.
When she was 15 she did some shifts in the kitchens of the Wykeham Arms, just by our house. One Saturday just before Christmas, she had some seasonal drinks after lunch. Underage, but hey, it's Christmas...

Upon returning home she collapsed on the sitting-room floor in hysterical laughter and accidentally emptied a full coffee percolator into the video player. Unfortunately the Bishop of Basingstoke and his wife were sat there aghast during the whole thing. My parents were not massively impressed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:24, Reply)

Boyce Towers
Season 1 - The 70's show
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:26, Reply)

This sounds like the basic premise for every British sitaution comedy of the 70s and 80s.
(And 90s if you include the truly vile Vicar of Dibley)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:27, Reply)

How do you "accidentally"
empty a percolator into a video player? Surely, that's got to be fairly deliberate, if misguided..
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:28, Reply)

The percolator was in a tray just in front of it. She kicked it over.
My father lifted it up and coffee pissed out of the bottom of it, I am told.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:30, Reply)

Classic.
I'm always up for a bit of aghast bishopery.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I'm imagining the bishop to be similar in countenance to the Bishop of Bath & Wells as portrayed by Ronald Lacey in the popular television programme "Blackadder"

(Cave Duck, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 12:12, Reply)