Good morning
It's fucking cold. Currently it's -9 where I am.

Normally I wouldn't be quite as annoyed, but I have to take 2 buses to work. With delays, I've been waiting outside for 35 minutes since 7:25. Can't feel my fucking feet.

Ah well, it's Friday, and I've managed to move my stuff into my new place, so will start organising that tonight, before going out with work and getting rather ruined.

What have you got planned for the weekend?

Alt Q: If you were use the object to your immediate left to fight waves of incoming enemies, what chance would you stand? Mine is a small box, full of polystyrene. I'm fucked.

EDIT: Fuck! Ah well, he hasn't even asked a question.

EDIT 2: Sorry about that massive picture yesterday, I didn't realise it was that large when I posted it!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:45, 139 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

not including balled up socks it would be my hockey stick
could manage a dozen baddies or so. I'm in bed, student lol.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:48, Reply)

See that weird little squiggly thing at the end of the subject line?
Look - there's another one!

It indicates a QUESTION.

I do hope you've apologised to everyone for posting that FUCKING MASSIVE IMAGE yesterday, forcing RSwipe to delete the post you put it in a reply to before someone GOT THE FUCKING SACK.

If not your only question should be 'do you forgive me for posting an image visible from space yesterday?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Shit, just looked
Whoops, sorry!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Ask Nasa.
They were monitoring it from the FUCKING MOON yesterday.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:52, Reply)

Monty, we've talked about this
What you see in your drug addled fantasies is not factual. Did you dream you were on the Moon last night?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:53, Reply)

Actually
I dreamt that David Cameron, Barak Obama, Kim Jong-Il and Nicolas Zarkozy were locked in deadly hand-to-hand fighting, whilst a retarded Geordie with one CSE in Woodwork held the supreme British military strategic position.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 8:59, Reply)

Al?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:02, Reply)

No, a real Geordie.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Oh fuck off you haggard old druggie

(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Wobble off, you diminutive tub of shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:43, Reply)

Monters, that's a trifle unfair.
Next to you, everyone's diminutive.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Apart from Maxi, the man-mountain.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Yes, apart from him.
But he's a rugby player so is probably on steroids or something.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:25, Reply)

No steroids

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:27, Reply)

You mean that's natural???
FREAK!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:31, Reply)

Maybe I'm an elf or something

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I'll drink to your elf!

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:49, Reply)

Did that new person send you a photo of her bumhole?
Just so you know, if she did to me, and you were in the same possition as I currently am in (bunhole pictureless), then I would do the right honerable thing and MMS it to you.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Nope, no bumhole pics yet
Sorry Gonz
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Sad Times, it's going to be a dark, cold and loanly evening at Chez Gonz this evening.
*sigh*, I'm soo bumholeless.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:11, Reply)

How do you poo, then?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:02, Reply)

'awful!'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:40, Reply)

Mine is a wall
to my right I have one of these because I am a total geek, that might take out a few before they got me and its quite solid.
( Peej, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:08, Reply)

Tonight: set up my new BT broadband and TV shizzle.
Or trying to and getting annoyed and frustrated with the dismal combination of my own incompetence and that of my nine-year-old technical support boy in Bangalore. Daughter tomorrow morning.

Alt: stupid nombie-esque question, but to answer it I wouldn't do too badly as it's a fire door behind which I would be able to hide.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:17, Reply)

AA post a massive pic? Never!
But what was it? Don't repost, just describe.

Tonight I've got a meal and pissup with colleagues, tomorrow I'm driving to Kent (if the roads are clear enough) for my mum's birthday, and staying at my sister's overnight.

Alt: That would be a computer mouse, as I tend to use them in my left hand. I suppose I could swing it like a morning star, it's a pretty sturdy one so should last a few bashes.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Basically
it was of a semi-naked man, about A3 in size.

I am neither jesting nor really exaggerating. It remained there for about half an hour until Rachel saved the day with some judicious deleting.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:28, Reply)

I was totally gonna save the day by deleting the whole thread
but I wanted to wait before deploying such a nuclear option.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:31, Reply)

Jesus wept
What time was this?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:31, Reply)

about 3pm I think

(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Which I think is about Chin O'clock your time

(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:33, Reply)

It's always Chin-o time
Except when it's Hammer time.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Does the Hammering make your chins wobble?

(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:36, Reply)

They're in a perpetual state of wobbling
They practically resonate, making me look like I have Parkinson's.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:38, Reply)

Sometimes I wish I was you
that sounds brilliant.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:39, Reply)

It's alright until you want to have a can of coke
That stuff goes everywhere, and then in summer you get swarms of wasps attacking your swollen, vibrating face.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:41, Reply)

To my left is an Argos catalogue
The fuckers don't stand a chance. My weekend is getting off to a bad start because I have to work a split shift today until 2.30 a.m. on what will undoubtedly be one of the busiest nights of the year. After that, it might pick up. Who knows.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I might go out tonight.
My mate has lent me 30 quid and it's my old housemate's birthday, she's been pestering me to join her this evening (I am the life and soul of most social gatherings in the north east, after all). In reality I'll probably sit indoors chain smoking and doing work all weekend.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:41, Reply)

I hope you've had the sense to smoke rollups,
given your impecunious position? The combination of that and your petty thievery should make that £30 last a while...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

Richmond Superkings for me (despite endless piss taking from practically everyone I know, including my mum)
I'm avoiding rollups because I'm doing my very best to steer clear of falling into the student stereotype any further.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

It's not just students that smoke them
Thieving pikeys do too.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:54, Reply)

I appreciate and fully support your attitude,
but sometimes pride has to be swallowed and I fear this is one such occasion.

(hark at me, financial advisor)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Hypothetically speaking
How many cigarilloes would a five/six quids worth of baccy et all get you? If it's a fair amount I may investigate.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:59, Reply)

Fucking loads. At least 40*?

*I'm unsure.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:00, Reply)

25g of tobacco will make about 60-70 decent sized cigarettes.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:01, Reply)

as a student though he should be smoking 'prison rollies'
which share many dimension characteristics with a cocktail stick
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

That's true. Probably double that then. Although prison rollies really are a false economy because they burn down stupidly quickly, leaving the smoker really unsatisfied. If you pack the baccy in, the cigarette lasts longer, meaning more satisfaction and less overall cigarettes smoked. I will do an experiment at some point and find out which is more effective.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:08, Reply)

Or you could just ask Psychochomp if you can have a look at the relevant spreadsheet of his.

(Cave Duck, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I don't know
I do have far too much time on my hands, I might as well fill it with doing experiments rather than looking for a real job. Next up: What is the most satisfying way to eat a Jammy Dodger?

I need a real job.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Nibble the top biscuit off, leaving only the stuff that's left.
Then, just throw the rest of it in your mouth!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Yes, but we need variables! Mind you, I don't even like biscuits, so I don't know why I would feel the need to conduct this experiment.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I don't eat many
But Chocolate Hobnobs are king.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Sweet things hurt my teeth. So Chocolate Hobnobs might just kill me.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:35, Reply)

It'd be a happy death!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:47, Reply)

No.
It can't be a happy death because it wouldn't involve a heroic final pose. It would involve a 'scrunched-up-face-with-hands-on-cheeks' final pose. Which is not heroic in the slightest.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:51, Reply)

Rugby, which will probably be cancelled
Alt: a bedside cabinet, fuck yeah!
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:42, Reply)

A nine inch dildo
I think I'd be able to take a few with me with it!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:42, Reply)

In Dead Rising 2
I spent five minutes bludgeoning zombies with double-ended dildos.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

Nom nom nom.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

You're obsessed.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Every two minutes on here
some helmet starts crapping on about zombies: sometimes I think Jeff and I are the only right-thinking people on B3ta, and he FUCKS DOGS.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

I still haven't got that
Currently wholly disillusioned with Xbox Live; I can't join any matches or start parties.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Not been on Xbox Live in a while
DR2 is much better than the first one, it's worth a punt if you like slaying thousands of zombies.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:51, Reply)

NOM NOM NOM
I DO
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

Please take me as well.

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:44, Reply)

sending you something else, but it's a surprise

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Top tip:
Warning a lady in advance of a cock-gaz reduces the impact by as much as 46%
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:48, Reply)

*squeeeels*

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:49, Reply)

when I cam be arsed to get up that is

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Monty, you appear to be wrong, just look at her reaction as she thought about seeing that little pink peanut
poking out of a forest of thick ginger hair
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:51, Reply)

*bokes*

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

who are you calling ginger? you northern scummer.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:54, Reply)

The little sleepy baby mouse in his ickle hairy nest?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:54, Reply)

*calls Rentokill*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

*gets pointless callout charge
because they cannot find the 'mouse' due to its incredibly small size*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Tomorrow I have the pleasure of showing Poppet the high life of Todmorden.
Beekers and his gf will be joining us later for an aperitif and some fancy little finger food.

Sunday will be a meal with the rents due to it being their birthdays.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Where was my invite?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Me casa su casa Max.

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:50, Reply)

EEEEEEEE!

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:53, Reply)

You should be showing her Manchester!
Gutted you won't be there!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

You'll have to pester some other old woman.

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Well, T0ria will be there...
But it's just not the same!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Nothing at all.
Skint, owing to having to fork out for the central heating and I don't get paid until the 15th.

Alt: A telephone.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I really wanted you and sweary to help me rip up Todmorden with our grown up japery : (

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:52, Reply)

Us too.
Alas, it was not to be. Even if the heating hadn't borked, I fear the journey down would have been impractical :(
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Are you still going to the wedding bash, though?

(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Alas, no.
Can't afford it, not this close to Christmas. The train fare down was going to be a minimum of £200 for starters (I'm not driving that far). Then a hotel for two nights, then the do itself... We'd be back in the financial hole we've just got out of in two days flat.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

That's a shame :(

(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:21, Reply)

Very sadface :(

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Quite.
'tis a bugger and no mistake.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:23, Reply)

They aren't as far as I know : (

( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

A stapler. Fortunately I was East Yokshire Stapler Sharp Shooter of The Year (Under 16s) 1977 & '78.

(Cave Duck, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:47, Reply)

weekend thread ALREADY?
ok, so. tonight is 6 mile walk to gym then personal training session then dinner with a mate. tomorrow is tidying the flat because my new flatmate moves over in a couple of weeks and gym and then a swing party in the evening. sunday is personal trainer for boxing in the morning then christmas shopping and lunch with a friend and her baby and then either more flat tidying or work.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Dare I ask
What's a swing party? It sounds rather like a car-keys-in-the-fruit-bowl scenario...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Dunnit tho?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:01, Reply)

a few people at work have given me a look that said exactly that!
it's a party in a nightclub where the first hour or so is a swing dancing lesson. then it's just boozing and clubbing after that.

we have to go in 1920's or 30's gear. hey, maybe i should borrow monty's nazi uniform!?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I'm coming to the party and wearing it myself, sorry.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:04, Reply)

do you know how much i wish this statement were true?
that would be glorious!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:06, Reply)

I wish I was too
Shouting at a router and then an Indian child in a desperate attempt to have television and internet in my home isn't my idea of a fun night AT ALL.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:09, Reply)

But you love shouting at Indian children

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I still haven't forgiven the bounders for the 1857 mutiny.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:12, Reply)

Have you turned it off and on again?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

It's when you realise that you are telling them your name,
date of birth and phone number for the 8th time in one call that you begin to lose your mind. It's like being interrogated in Guantanamo Bay. Except they probably have working TV and internet there.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:14, Reply)

xkcd.com/806/
(PsychoChomp, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:16, Reply)

virgin are exactly the same
i have been reduced to tears of pure rage by the virgin call centre staff, it was like boiling water pouring out of me eyes.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

Really?
I've only had to call them once and whilst 'Sue' had quite an accent, she fixed the problem I had within about five minutes.
(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:18, Reply)

my problem turned out to be with the control junction down the road
it took them about 4 months to fix this, which included 2 appointments where i waited in ALL SATURDAY and they never showed. when the bastard engineer finally did turn up, then looked at my box and said there was nothing he could do, i nearly locked the door and took him hostage.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:20, Reply)

Privatisation of the telephone network was a wonderful thing
for which you ought to be grateful
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

It's wonderful to have a choice of miserable, incompetent fuckwits to choose from
instead of just one, I agree. At least you can threaten to move your business to someone equally as fucktarted but slightly cheaper.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:26, Reply)

It makes no difference
if the problem is with the infrastructure, which it usually is. Only one company is allowed to fiddle with the actual wires, and they are beholden to nobody and can therefore act like massive cunts, which they frequently do.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:29, Reply)

"when the bastard engineer finally did turn up, then looked at my box and said there was nothing he could do"
Oh Rachel, you're your own worst enemy sometimes.
(Cave Duck, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

sorry, what?
could you explain, i don't understand you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

Ouch
I think violence would have been justifiable in that instance - christ, I hope I never have a problem with them now!
(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:22, Reply)

you should see the letter i wrote to their CEO at his home address
it worked though. i got it fixed within hours of him receiving it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

That sounds like a splendid idea.
My Dad went to a World War Two themed 'officers and soldiers' party once. So he wore some rags and shaved his head.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:05, Reply)

i was idly toying with the idea of some kind of bombed out joke
but i don't actually know the girl whose party it is, i am going along with friends, so i had better play it safe. also i pay my hairdresser FAR too much for me to shave it all off now!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:07, Reply)

Go wearing pyjamas with your phone number written on your arm.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:11, Reply)

I feel utterly cretinous for laughing at that

(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Join the club

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:15, Reply)

'Please allow me to introduce myself
I am a man of zero wealth and extremely dubious taste'

'Sympathy for the Boyce' by the Rolling Stones.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:16, Reply)

you're a bad man monty
and i think i love you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Imagine the disappointment when they discovered it was n't like a "pass out stamp" that you get at some theme parks/visitor attractions

(Cave Duck, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:17, Reply)

It's a paedo meeting at the swings in the local park.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:04, Reply)

They've applied for lottery funding. Bad haircuts, sweeties, quick release trousers and puppies don't buy themselves.

(Cave Duck, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:19, Reply)

also i had some more ritual humiliation last night which i might as well share, seeing that it's friday and all
as part of my masters i have to do some observational sessions at a theatre, and they have given me a children's theatre. i had to go from work. i weighed up dragging in a bag in the snow to get changed and thought, sod it - you never know, the theatre company might need legal advice or one of the parents might need private client stuff, so i'd better look smart and maybe i can pitch for my firm at the same time.

to quote julia roberts... "big mistake. big. HUGE. i have to go shopping now". literally every other fucker in the theatre was barefoot and in dreadlocks, black leggings and a t-shirt, whereas i was marauding around in my new pale grey trouser-suit and killer heels. i felt like a total moron. then we went into the studio, at which point the director asked me if i would mind removing my shoes. i agreed. then remembered. froze. oh no. oh no no no.

"i won't slip and sue," i pleaded. but it was no good. apparently their wooden floors are important to them. so i took off the high heels, stashed them in my bag, joined the circle of children who were all staring at me beadily. i was introduced, and the children were told not to worry and to ask me anything they liked. sure enough, within about 1 second, a hand shot in the air. beadily.

"miss angelina, why is this lady wearing odd socks?"

one nice neat black sock, and one hot pink sock with "sexy" on the side (it's ironic, ok). damn my slovenly ways, although even with the whole class of children laughing at me, i still think life is too short to spend it pairing fucking socks!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Do you have another pair of black and pink socks?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

no
i know the joke, but in this case the pink one lost its twin a long time ago.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Did you lose the other sock on a school trip to the swimming baths?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:33, Reply)

You are exactly right
life IS too short to spend pairing socks. This is why I have 10-20 identical pairs of black cotton socks. Fuck 'em, they're kids, what do they know - when they have to pair their own socks they'll realise what a genius you are!
(berk, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:30, Reply)

I don't even care if my socks are inside out
that's how I roll
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)

my brother does that
all his socks are identical. but the thing is, sometimes i quite like pretty socks. until it comes to washing day.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:33, Reply)

It takes about a minute to pair
socks. Are all of you that feckless to find it that difficult?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Two weeks ago
my own two year old child pointed and pissed herself laughing at me because I was wearing odd socks, saying 'silly Daddy'.

So I punched her in the face and locked her in a cupboard.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:36, Reply)

hahahaha

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:37, Reply)

wait til she's 15
she'll do the same to you
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:39, Reply)

She'll be lucky to make three at this rate.
I'm gonna get all 'Baby P' on her ass if she gives me any more shit tomorrow.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Too far?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:45, Reply)

3 is a fair estimation

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Haha!
I have visions of you in 5 years time tied to a tree and your daugher and her friends running round whooping and hollering, dressed as Indians.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:46, Reply)

*rumbled face*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:48, Reply)

There is nothing greater than seeing a load of young kids running round and screaming like stuck pigs because you're pretending to be a monster.
But this is only because they're not my kids and they eventually have to go home.
( girlinthehole, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:50, Reply)

I spent three hours last weekend pretending to be a giant
with text-book 'fee fi fo fum' booming voice and doing sound effect crashes when I took steps. I tired of it long before she did.

She insisted on calling me 'giant' all day. 'Let's play Play-Doh, Giant' etc. and introducing me to all her toys.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:53, Reply)

PRETENDING to be a giant?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Shake her like an english nanny!

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:46, Reply)

Going to the Barbarians vs S Africa game tomorrow
If the rail network is up to it.

Massive drugz and Honda Accordz.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Fri 3 Dec 2010, 10:32, Reply)