My great-grandad once said to me...
Whilst hospitalised and convinced he was on his way out, a very sad, tired-looking great grandfather looked at me and said, with deep sincerity...

"You don't ever want to get this old."

Somewhat ironically, he went on to live for another 10 miserable years, in terrible health and decreasing sanity. He almost managed a century.
(synapz, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:32, Reply)

The Roadcrew Mantra
Advice printed on a Roadie's T-Shirt when I first started out doing lighting at gigs:

If it's wet - Drink it!
If it's dry - Smoke it!
If it moves - Fuck it!
Anything else - Load it on the truck!

Wise words indeed. And one of my own I like to use to the younger generation: It's only unethical if you get caught!
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:30, 1 reply)

Advice from Old People
Whem nan was alive she was a veritable font of advice. My favourite, being told as a small child to, "wish in one hand, piss in the other one, and see which one fills up first".
(Firemansam, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:21, Reply)

My mate's Grandad
once told us "If you're going to a gun fight, bring a gun. If you're going to a knife fight, bring a gun". He also told us wicked stories about goughing German eyballs out with his bayonet during the war and the like...
( pxyzyzygy, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:19, Reply)

Always watch videos of tiger cubs being adopted by dogs
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7463810.stm

That is the advice given by me.


*may only be an "old type" when compared to a recently fertilised ovum
( Captain V, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:14, Reply)

I'm older than many b3tans...
So my advice to you is to avoid standard class in the first cheap train of the day from London to Manchester. It's crawling with imbeciles.

Hello, all. How're you today?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:08, 103 replies)

autumnal do do no no
"don't kick the leaves, there may be dog muck under there!"

thanks...way to turn innocent fun into thoughts of shite splattered on my face
(Darth Vodka, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:05, 1 reply)

My brother once told me
when I was young and he was slightly older, that if you fart, sneeze and burp at the same time you become immortal...

or explode.

you have to ask yourself, is eternal life worth the risk of premature death?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:01, 8 replies)

I'm old

There are only two things in this world that smell like fish, and one of them is fish.
(incredible wrongun, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 13:01, Reply)

I am an old fart
in a young mans body so heed my advice people


Never sneeze while having a shit, its fucking agony.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:59, Reply)

Words of wisdom...
... from elderly American tourists met in the grounds of Blarney Castle:

"Don't kiss the Blarney Stone. You'll get AIDS"

And from a colleague who is somewhat *cough* older than myself:

"Don't use other peoples' headphones. You'll get Hearing AIDS"

Wise words indeed.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:49, 4 replies)

My Boss
said, when I had a cold: "go home, drink a large cup of tea with a generous splash of any alcohol in your house, and go to bed. If you wake up and still feel bad, have another."

It works!

But it disturbs me that my boss encourages drinking!
(YayLady is cold, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:48, Reply)

Never fall asleep when you're going down on a girl
Firstly she won't like you one little bit for it. but also it's not the most pleasant thing to wake up to.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:43, 4 replies)

Impossible
Trying to listen to my granddad....I say granddad, he's more "grandma's meat" really after real grampy passed away, but I digress; he's never short of stories nor advice about cars and stuff; it's just the time it takes for him to say them.

And that's just it B3ta, I can't recount any of the (usually) car advices (is that a word?), because frankly, I get bored after the first 40 minutes and switch off...

"Something about the electrics of the 306 grandmeat? Yeah I'll steer clear of them; French rubbish" (pun intended for my own amusement to save me from insanity). I don't even drive for fucks sake.

Pfft! Who knows what he blabbers on about.


Length? About an hour and a half on average.
( slippery doctore, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:36, Reply)

Rodin or Rodding?
Old bloke sat in our local watching it get a lick of paint, turns to us and says "Whoever invented decorating wants fucking.", awkward silence all round, then he continues his guiness induced philosophy "then again whoever invented fucking wants decorating"
(MLR, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:19, Reply)

Never
.
trust some thing that bleeds for five days and doesn't die....




Cheers

ducks and runs for cover...
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:14, 11 replies)

You should never...
Combined wisdoms over the years:

Socialising at a party?
-Never sit down and never refuse a drink, you'll always have a good time.


Worried about the cleanliness of your sexual partner?
-Never put in your fanny what you wouldn't put in your gob.


Not sure if you should try and fix something?
-Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your dick. [said at HSE review after industrial accident resulted in lost finger]


Worried, concerned, got the troubles of the world on your shoulders?
-Even this phase will pass.

a.k.a : when you've got your head up your arse, all you see is shite

It's the last one that's helped most, you'll be pleased to hear :)
(Countryslicker, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:12, 4 replies)

From my mum
"Do you know what tiger balm is?".

"Yes mum, why?"

"You should get some and rub it on your girlfriends clit."

Not exactly the best advice I have ever had and to be honest something I haven't had time to try (or a willing GF).
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:11, Reply)

Good Advice
.
"Never trust a man who doesn't drink. They're hiding something."

Sage advice and something I abide by. But I don't take it as far as some.

There's an R&D company, who I did some work for, who take this advice to the extreme.

As they're a small company they're very picky about who they'll employ. Apart from having the appropriate skills you also have to fit in with the team. In a small company, you can't have people working there who don't fit in with the company culture. So their recruitment technique is a little bizzare.

First, they sort through the CV's and dump the obvious no-hopers. Then they interview the rest. After the first interview, between two and four will be asked back for a second interview, all on different days and all at 5pm. But the second interviews are held in the company's local pub. And most of the staff at the company turn up. The candidates are asked not to bring their cars, as drinking will be involved, and are told that the company will send them home in a taxi.

Anyone who refuses to drink, pint for pint, with the staff are automatically binned. Anyone who turns into a total tit are also binned. As are beer-monsters.

The idea is to get the candidate relaxed in an informal setting and to find out more about the kind of person they are - to see if they'll fit in with the team.

Seems to work though. They've had very few problems with recruiting unsuitable people.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:03, 3 replies)

My grandmother
was from Belgium, born in 1895. At the start of the first world war the Germans invaded right past her front door. The day before the battle the local council were warning everyone to get out and evacuating the children. Her family chose to go to France, but she refused and chose to evacuate to England, despite not speaking any English, and not having any family or friends go with her. The whole of her family was wiped out, she survived. She never went back to Belgium for the rest of her life.

In England she met a nice young army sergeant. He was posted to India a few months after they met, and she decided to go too. The rules said only married women could accompany soldiers, but there wasn't time for them to marry in England before he left. It took several months before she could get a ticket, but as soon as she could she travelled by boat to India. Once there, despite only having known him for a few months, and having been separated for some months, she had to marry my grandfather within 24 hours to be allowed to stay with him.

They lived in India for several years, and she had three children. The first died of TB at the age of a few months. The 3rd, my father, was very ill and constantly crying: my grandmother was exhausted and couldn't take any more. Only her 2nd child, my aunt, pleading with her prevented her from killing the screaming baby, who happily grew up to be a healthy young man.

She left India with the 2 children, the youngest only 6 months old, travelling without her husband who travelled with the army. She arrived back in England in a very cold winter with only the light clothes she had from India, but she and the children made it safely back to Shropshire by train.

She and her husband lived a humble life, as the pay of a sergeant major wasn't particularly high. However she pushed both children to work hard: both of them won scholarships to grammar school (the only way they could have gone) and later both won scholarships to Oxford.

Her husband died when she was 72. By then she was rather frail, but she carried on. She was run over by a lorry when she was 85 and had multiple injuries, but she fought on and recovered. A few years later she would say 'if I hadn't been run over by that lorry I would be alive today.'

At the age of 97 she couldn't cope on her own any more and moved into a home. One day one of the helpers there noticed she had a slight accent, saying 'shukker' for sugar, and asked if she was German, sparking a vicious response. She died 3 months before her 100th birthday.

She was very proud and opinionated, and treated nothing as permanent. She had no mementoes, even very few photographs, and threw away almost everything when her husband died, keeping only his army medals and the paybook which gave her access to his pension. When my brother's girlfriend moved in with him she refused to stay at my parents' house, standing on Wolverhampton station shouting loudly "I will not set foot in your house of sin!".

Her advice to me: look after yourself, no one else will. Never look back. Don't take risks with money or your health. Education is important.

Sound words, all.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 12:00, 3 replies)

Is it just me...
...or is some of this 'advice' just plain old common sense?

In which case I'd like to offer these sage words to our younger readers:

Never have a shit, rub it all over your face and then try to snog the girl / boy you've secretly fancied for the last two years.

I wish someone had told me this when I was younger.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:59, 1 reply)

The Jazzman
Back in the day when I was a young lad trying to get into medical school, I did all sorts of stuff to try to make my personal statement on my UCAS form stand out.

I worked for a local hospital, I did first aid courses, I wrote articles for the local trust newsletter. I regularly visited my local GP to chat and to try to get a little ‘insider’ knowledge.

I also volunteered at my local Age Concern. To be perfectly honest I was in it just for the personal statement and I claimed back all the mileage I could (and more) to get some cash.

I was assigned an old gentlemen who lived on his own in the middle of nowhere. I didn’t really want to go and do it but I felt like I had to go at least once to morally put it on my personal statement.

The old chap was about 80 and was understandably doddery. I made him tea (washing out the tea cups as they were full of cobwebs) and chatted to him about everything. It turns out that he was used to be rather a handy jazz pianist and had records of himself playing with his band in the 1940/50s.

He had a piano in the corner of his lounge and I invited him to play, but he said he couldn’t anymore because of his arthritis, so he could only listen to himself on his scratchy recordings.

During the time I spent with him I asked him about his wife and family, but it turns out that he got himself a little fucked up due to the booze and drugs that a jazz lifestyle apparently entailed so his wife had eventually left him and his children had grown up and hadn’t come back.

He’d been living by himself for about years and years wallowing in his self pity and listening to himself play jazz. I only visited him three times before I got a call from Age Concern saying that he had passed away.

During the time I was with him he did tell me the following advice.

“Never be alone.”

I have never forgotten it.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:59, 2 replies)

@Vix0r
Getting married isn't silly. Two salutory tales.

I know of a couple who said exactly the same. They were very happy together and so no reason to change that basis. No problem with incommonlaws. Then he died at the age of 32 after a sudden and massive brain haemhorrage. 3 days after the funeral his mother and father turned up, demmanded their half of the house and took his car as it was in his name. If they'd been married that would not have been possible.

Recently my mother was turfed out of the home she'd shared with her fiance for about 10 years with a derisory pay-off after he died on their pre-nuptual relax holiday. They were going to sort out the legal stuff when they returned.

Marriage might seem silly on an emotional basis but unless you take all reasonable legal steps to protect each other it is still the easiest way to protect your loved one against grasping relatives.

Please note this counts as advice from an old person cos I'm now cruising to the Hawaiian birthday.

Edit: I changed my mind and posted this in main as I think it deserves it's own post.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:54, 7 replies)

Falling Tiles
On windy days my mum used to warn me to "mind the falling tiles"... roof tiles that is.

Sage advice, given the incredible number of roof tile based head injuries each year.

Does mean you can't see where you're walking though, which increases the liklihood of being run over :-(
(Mean Mad Mutski, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:52, Reply)

Like Grandad, like Granddaughter
My granddad was barely educated, with a misanthropic bent and a vocabulary which was 40% offensive.

“If yer wanna see if dem’s ‘lectrics is alive, spit on ‘em.” Then he made me test his electric fence.

“Lemme tell yer, ev’rybody named Simon is a cunt.” He has yet to be proven wrong.

“Yer gotta hate ev’rythin’ to wanna change anythin’.”

“Yer can buy all da expensive shit yer want, but when yer kick da bucket, yer gotta be buried with yer must valuable possession, yer personality. People ain’t never gonna miss yer damned suit or yer expensive watch.”

“God ain’t a very good friend if yer gotta talk to him all the damned time. I ain’t got no time fer a friend like that.”

I live by all of the above, except the first one. I’d rather just call an electrician than have my face blown off.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:51, Reply)

My grandmother...
... veteran of the Warsaw Uprising, who said "Telling the truth, the good Germans, you can count them on your fingers".
(leningradcowboy, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:49, Reply)

This one made me feel uneasy
"Never look at your mum when she's eating a banana."
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:48, 1 reply)

It's funny because it's true
I had an aunt who was in her 90's, if they made a film of her life no-one would believe it. Anyway... at a family gathering, discussing a rather austere friend of hers of similar age, she said "What she needs is a damn good shag".
(fridgefreezer inserted a topical reference into his sig on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:44, Reply)

A Friends Dad
Said this to me completley out of the blue a few years ago:

'I know what your like at that age, you'll fuck anything that moves'

...He's right though...
(DanS like you've never DanSed before!, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:32, 2 replies)

if it's breathing, and you can't eat it,
fuck it.

Cant remember the film - great line though.

Everything I know, I've learned from films.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:32, 2 replies)