Flying with a cold.
Sounds a bit feeble, but I went on a flight to Tampere to deliver some arrows to a Finnish reenactment group. On the way in, I could feel the pressure building up behind my ears, as usual, but this time it kept going. At one point, it got bad enough that I managed to crimp the rim of a coke can with my teeth before there was a sudden and rather loud crack from both ears at the same time. I might have emitted a girly yelp from the somewhat searing pain, but the pressure had gone.
I didn't think that much more of it, but that evening, I sneezed and had managed to disgorge through my nose a large pile of congealed blood and snot, rather like an underdone black pudding.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 31 Jul 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Not mine, but I saw it happen...
Guy I used to work with was welding up an exhaust for a mate after work. Standing under it, welding away, a blob of slag rolls down the inside of his shirt into his pants and hits the end of his knob, which apparently was poking out of his boxers.
Cue a yelp, a swear, and a very fast exit.

Probably could have used this for that other QoTW as well, as both me and the owner of the vehicle couldn't stop laughing after he came back and told us what happened.

Also, he had to remove the scab to pee.
(BHB, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 15:36, Reply)

I punched my girlfriend in the face...
and broke a finger. Fuck that hurt...






haha...just kidding. She wasn't my girlfriend.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 15:23, 1 reply)

Forgetting you have an infected and bloated toe
as the result of an ingrowing toenail and then kicking a football can result in:

A) Lots of pain

B) A gooey, bloody mess in your sock.

C) Swearing
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 15:17, 2 replies)

a concussion....
never have sex when you have a slight concussion....

vinegar strokes felt like my brain was going to explode!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 15:01, 1 reply)

On a boozy weekend
before I had a chance to drink I fell down a spiral staircase and mangled myself. There was bone crunching and scraping. I rolled around on the floor in a shivering mess and nearly yakked up everywhere before crawling off to bed to try and sleep in the hope that I would arise the next day all better. I kept waking up in extreme pain from the slightest movement. Sharp horrific searing pain like some bastard was filleting the bridge of my foot. It was screwed, when I woke it took me ages to get it onto the floor. I couldn't do anything except hop about on my good leg looking like a right nutter.

Because we were in Prague and it was Sunday I was faced with the option of ruining the rest of the weekend by demanding hospital and painkillers or drinking. I decided on vodka, lots and lots of vodka. I think it was around half a litre in I could stand on my busted foot without much bother. I kept myself pissed up and hobbled around till I flew home, it worked a treat.
( bland is bland, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 14:37, 3 replies)

Renal colic and Pitbull terriers...
Not combined, but I'd imagine that'd hurt even more.

Firstly, renal colic combined with kidney stones and infection due to my kidneys giving up and going on holiday due to years of anorexia nervosa. They pretty much went 'fuck this' and the pain would come on - slight twinge at first, followed by BAM the most excruciating pain you can ever imagine. It lasts for HOURS. And you can't hold it, like you'd grab a stubbed toe or cradle a stomach ache, or broken arm. All you can do is lie there and spasm and writhe, whilst you shake uncontrollably and froth at the mouth, dribbling bile fluid from your mouth as your body goes into shock from the sheer pain. Eventually the pain gets more bearable. It doesn't get better, you just become so spaced out that you kind of get used to it.
Eventually a doctor will inject you with various painkillers in an attempt to stop the pain. They won't really work, you'll just be so high that you don't care any more. And then without warning, the pain goes away again.
It may be hours, days, weeks or months until the pain comes back. I had the first pain a year before having 8 'attacks' within 2 months. That was about 5 years or so ago. I'll still get a 'twinge' now and then, which turns me white as a sheet in panic, but so far - touch wood - no more pain. The worst bit? Those 2 months were my A Level exams. I sat my business studies A level paper with that (got a B), collapsed and gave up on the part 2 paper though and went off to hospital (predicted grade given, A)

Second thing, which was unbelieveably as painful as the first, was being bitten by a pitbull on my kneecap the other week. He attacked my dog, a dobermann, going for his neck. Missed and grabbed his collar. Anyone with a dog will know about the big metal collar tags. Well this thing BENT it in half. I'm so glad he grabbed that and not my dog's neck. My dog instantly grabbed the scruff of his neck and held him, whilst stanading there like a lemon with a look of "what now" on his face, with a snarling pitbull hanging from his mouth. He didn't want to let go - assumingly he knew it'd bite him if he let go. In steps me to try and seperate the two (Owner standing there like a dick doing next to nothing)

Well the little bastard clamped onto my knee. The bite itself wasn't painful at all. He didn't get a good enough grip, and the owner grabbed him and walks off. Trembling, I puke all over my shoes - and notice the fat hanging out of my knee. Still no pain. I'm a mile into the woods, with no option but to walk home. Me and pooch walk home. I put pooch in the house, and get the bus to the hospital. Then the pain sets in. Knee swells to the size of a grapefruit (bearing in mind I'm a girl weighing in at just under 7 stone) and turns the most incredible shade of purple. I also notice the same has happened to my thumb. They clean it out (OUUUCCCCH) and xray it. Bandage me up, leave the wounds open to reduce risk of infection. Attempt popping fat back in with a finger and steristripping it. Doesn't work. Dose me up on an elephant dose of antibiotics and send me home.

That was 2 weeks ago. Yesterday I did something which rated as high as the renal colic on the pain scale. Whilst the initial injury hurt, this was mind blowing. I walked into a stool. Yes, a stool, at work. Twice. The same stool. It was perfect knee cap height, and I'd been using it to climb up and reach the top level of tanks. It hit me RIGHT in the major wound, with it's massive bruising under it. I saw stars. I felt sick. I went woozy. I didn't learn, and walked into the same stool again a few hours later. I couldn't believe something as dumb as that would hurt so much.

Length? 4 hours in A&E...
( Bathory, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 14:26, 4 replies)

There are a few to remember
Like the time I was ice skating at a school event and one of the guys in the year above me came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, next thing I know he slips backwards and his feet fly forwards straight into my butt. More specifically the front of the blade on the ice skate hits my tail bone. I was rolling around on the ice crying in front of my whole school after that. I'm convinced I can still feel a chip on it.

Then there is the time I decided to jump down some stairs at uni. There wasn't too many steps, about 10 or 12, but what made it more difficult was that the ceiling was too low to get the right hight to clear the steps, and then at the bottom there was about 1m to the wall, which also had an iron radiator on it. So in order to complete said jump you had to get a good run up, check, tuck into a ball to avoid hitting your head, check, then untuck at the right time to prepare for landing. I untucked a little too early and tried to twist my foot to avoid hitting the bottom step, unfortunately the meant that I hit the bottom step with my ankle twisted and my full body weight on it. Somehow I managed to avoid hitting my face on the radiator. I was able to hobble down to my room to watch neighbours and hollyoaks, after that it was still killing despite having ice on for the whole time. I went to the hospital fearing I had broken my ankle, fortunately it was just a sprain. I also learnt after that to read direction on medicine before taking it, doctor gave me ibuprofen and I took 2 every 6 hours. Unfortunately it was double strength and the instructions said take 1 every 6 hours. I wondered why I was able to dance around the following night, only for the pain to come back twice as bad the next morning.

But the ouchiest moment is also the most disturbing/disgusting. I had a pimple on my nose. This was no ordinary zit, I couldn't tell where the center of it was and if it was going to come on the inside or the outside. It was very sensitive to touch so squeezing was out of the question, I decided to give it time to make it easier. Over the next few days I waited. This thing was so sore, when I want to bed at night I could feel it pulsing. Every time my heart beat it would cause unbelievable pain in my nose. I wanted my heart to stop beating so I could go to sleep. I would get up and try to squeeze the thing but it was so painful I couldn't do it. And although it had swelled to the size of a pea there was still no yellow blast zone of a pimple. After about a week of agony I decided I had to work through the pain to get rid of this thing. I had a break through when I was able to scratch off the top layer of skin and I just set about squeezing it hoping something would come out. After a few seconds Mt Pain erupted and some yellow puss came out, followed by something black that stuck out of my nose. Relieved that I had finally got something out I wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face (I was 24 at this time) and cleared my eyes so I could see what the black thing was. I got tweezers and slowly pulled out a long black nose hair from the outside of my nose. Turns out the pimple was actually a nose hair that decided that it didn't want to come out inside my nose where all the snot is, it wanted the nice clean fresh air on the outside. So it grew through the cartilage on my nose and appeared out the other side. It was like having my nose pierced over a week, instead of a few milliseconds. Even now I get paranoid anytime I feel a pain in my nose that it might be another ingrowing nose hair.
( bobzarkoff, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 14:00, Reply)

well, at the time writing
I currently have 7 stitches down the shaft of my cock!!

that hurt! (well still does a bit to be honest!)
(Kip, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 13:28, 7 replies)

At the age of four, much like many boys, I loved spiders.
The best place to find them was under the bricks in the greenhouse.
One day I found a really good one, and made a grab for it with both hands.
Unfortunately I forgot I would need to hold on to the brick, and it came crashing down on my fingers.
My mum heard my girlish scream from almost a mile away.
Two fingernails came off, my hand was black & purple for a while, but eventually it all grew back properly and I learned a valuable lesson about gravity.
( Zuowan, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 13:04, Reply)

knackered after work, walked into front room with microwaved lasagne
put lasagne down. turned round, got remote, sat down on lasagne. it was one of those good old fashioned plonking sit downs you have after a hard day at work. being a bachelor i was only wearing my pants. ouch.

there's not really much more i can say except that in one swift motion i thoroughly checked that the product was indeed piping hot all the way through as mentioned on the packaging. it was piping hot all the way through my pants. be careful out there bachelors, there's things more painful than a woman's scorn.
(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 12:47, 2 replies)

Bells
Nature seemed beneficent when I was three years old, so one day when I discovered a loose horse behind the house, I fancied bells would ring if I yanked it's tail. Instead, the horse reflexively kicked me in the abdomen. I figure my light weight saved me - any heavier and the kick would have crushed organs. Even now, I remember the agony of learning how to behave around horses.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 12:14, 2 replies)

Ladders, and Gravity
The most painful experience to date was taking a fair sized spill off a ladder at work. I'd been about to run some cable over the suspended ceiling, and was walking up the ladder as you do, when the ladder decided to give way. Landed heavily on the carpet tiled, concrete floor, taking half a rack of parts bins with me. Oww. Had about 8 stitches to my head, which bled like hell as head wounds do.
The thing that really irks me, was one of the other chaps who was serving a customer while this happened, saw me fall, and then buggers off to help the customer!
All the time, I'm on the floor wheezing as I've had the breath knocked out of me, trying desperately to swear!

Anyway, one up on you lot, I have it all on video!

www.cyberprog.net/download/ladderfall.wmv

Yes, I know. Funny isn't it.
( Alex Save a Tree, Eat a Beaver!, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 12:14, 5 replies)

Last Week...
and for most of the preceding week, I had the most unfathomable pain in the lower-left side of my jaw. After 7 days of trying like hell to ignore the increasingly obvious swelling, and rinsing regularly with salt water, I woke last wednesday to see that the swelling was now clearly visible through the skin of the cheek.

On opening my mouth I saw that in addtion to the generalised swelling, there was now a distinct and seperate lump, on the gum between two teeth, about the size of a marble. Not good.

Knowing that going into work looking like John Merrick's ugly brother was a passport to a day of ridicule, I decided to take matters into my own hands, locating a sewing needle, and girding my loins, I drove the needle down into the morass, and encountering little resistance, pushed on. Not too bad.

Now, with the offending protrusion holed, to apply pressure to get the gunk out.... I gave it a good hard prod, and promptly screamed the house down, this was obviously a dentists job.

Fast forward 2 hours and I'm in the dentists chair, while he explains to me that as a life long nail-biter, a piece of nail has become wedged in between two teeth, right down in the gum where no amount of brushing was going to remove it, and said nail had, in time, opened a hole in the gum, from whence the mother of all infections had taken root.

"no worries, we'll soon sort that" he says, as he and the dental nurse are donning aprons and full face visors, "qucik jab to numb the pain and we'll get going".
25 minutes of pulling, scraping, cutting, suction and grisly, rippy noises later, and I'm sitting up, while lovely Mr Dentist is proffering a heap of diseased, recently removed tissue under my nose, "look, I had to remove ALL that" gum to get it out".

Still, NHS, so it only cost £16.50. Can't argue with that.
(tyrefire2001 Is it a fast ship?, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 11:31, 2 replies)

Hero!

I woke up on a Monday morning to pain. I looked at my hand and the ring finger on my right hand was definitely wonky. And swollen. And it hurt like a bastard. So, with difficulty, I got showered and dressed and jumped a cab to the Emergency Department where they x-rayed my hand and told me I'd broken my finger. So I texted the boss and told him I'd be a couple of hours late as I was in ED.

A few hours later I walked into work with broken finger strapped to my index finger.

"Hi Legless" says boss "What have you done to yourself this time?"

"Oh - I broke my finger rescuing a little girl from a burning building" I told boss.

"Really?" he said looking impressed.

"Nah - I was pissed last night and I bet my mates I could ram my finger through 5 beer-mats...I couldn't"

"You silly twat......."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 10:42, 3 replies)

Think this one's been covered...
But its time for a pilonidal parable. LENGTH. SUCH LENGTH.

Aged about 16, I was working in a butchery part time when I found sitting down had started to become rather painful. Thinking I'd merely bruised my fundament during some drunken idiocy, I ignored it to the point where it was becoming pretty sore to walk, stand up, or do basically anything. So off to the hospital I went, fucing work off in the process (it was Christmas time, and butcherys are busy places. I seem to recall the phrase 'I don't care if your fucking arse has fallen off get in here you workshy CUNT!' being employed rather redundantly). Pain relief came via a small Vittel water bottle full of tequila. I don't like tequila anymore.

So, in the waiting room, sort of shuffling from one foot to the other and intermittently swearing quietly, I was seen by a lovely nurse who felt the appropriate area, diagnosing instantly that I had an abscess just at the top of my arsecrack, very common apparently. I thought it was more down to being a bit of a soap-dodging skutter, but there you go. She advised that this could be treated with some antibiotics, and bumbled off to get me a prescription. 'Top,' thought I- 'I'll be home in time to go out and get bladdered at this rate!' Alas, no.

Whilst waiting, lying on my side with keks round ankles, facing away from the door, I heard someone enter the room. 'So, whut seems to be th' trabble?' came this guttural, male, South African voice. 'I've got an abcess on my backside mate' quoth I, in remarkably good form considering. 'I'll be the judge of that young man, let me take a look.' 'But the other nurse...' was about as far as I got before this man's finger touched my special place in a rather more friendly way than I was prepared for. 'IT'S NOT IN THERE!' I sweated out, more surprised than anything else- 'Ah, I see, it's just up here, you could have said you know!'. Fucking idiot just wanted to finger me.

Anyway, long stoy as outlined above, it went away, with only the odd twinge when sitting down. Sorted? NO. Fast forward 8 years, and a lovely svelte mid-20's Gertcha is merrily zooming around much as before, waving guitars at all and sundry and drinking cider, still dodging ze soap. Suddenly it became painful to sit down again, this time proper, agonizing pain. Tequila wouldn't begin to tackle this fucker, it was time for some doctor action. At first he spotted nothing, but then intoned that there was deep abcess under the surface of my skin, which would probably require an operation. One more totally sleepless night of sweating profusely and annoying the missus, and I trudged off to the MRI, cursing and wailing like, basically, a proper sick bell-end.

I do not like this hospital. I was strapped into a chair and wheeled about the place for ages, and had to wait 3 days to been seen to. Now fair enough, I realise the surgical team prioritise things accordingly, and that my bottom is less important than someone's life, but the chap opposite me had exactly the same problem, came in a day later, and was seen first. Why? Because he kept shitting himself and crying, then got his extended family to come in and stare at people. Gah. Once I had been seen, I needed a dressing before I could fuck off home. It doesn't take 5 hours to sort that out. I'm not a nurse, but I know this. I know this from finding the two nurses on duty playing FUCKING CARDS at their desk. CUNTS. Again, not bitter, realise its a hard job etc but Jesus guys, it took 10 minutes then I was hobbling off into the sunset (well, as it happended, pissing rain, beaut).

Every day after the surgery I had to go up to the walk in centre and get my bum seen to by an array of nurses, to clean and change me like a massive hairy baby that leaks pus. I wouldn't mind but the fucker won't go away! All last week its been building up, just yesterday I sat down for a shite and my arsecrack exploded into a green and red pussy mess, leaking stuff that smelled like shit squared, and this was 2 fucking years ago!

I'm rambling. But it hurt. And at one point during my 3 days nil-by-mouth someone came over with a plate of shepherd's pie and chips for the bloke who'd been in my bed previously. I would have rimmed my dad for that food.
(Gertcha_cowson NAH MATE, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 10:30, Reply)

If you're a roleplayer and know your dice...
The d4. It's a plastic caltrop. If you ever lose one around the house and want to find it, just walk around with bare feet until it inevitably leaps into your flesh from below.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 8:54, Reply)

wank pot ouchiness
In the nineties there was a show called eurotrash… it was great and, for the time, rather wank tastic.

In one of the show’s features, was a Japanese product; a wank-pot, this was a disposable plastic pot, not unlike a pot noodle, filled with a textured gel, which could be warmed up and then the whole contract slipped over your manhood to simulate the lecturer you were lusting after at the time.

Shortly after watching the above, I was preparing the wholesome student feast that is Pot Noodle - when I had a great idea… If I was to use just a little less water I could achieve a more ‘vaginal’ consistency of the potted vegetarian goodness.

Initial finger-testing went very well indeed and I settled down in a comfy chair and slowly slipped the prosthetic Ms Summers over my manhood.

It felt good. It felt really good.

Relaxing a little more, I leant back into the cushions, closed my eyes and eased my member deeper into the inviting beef and tomato goodness.

It was at this moment when the centimetre or so of collected, not-so-long-ago-boiling water dribbled and then spilt down over my bell-end, down the underside of my penis and over my testicles. 2 milliseconds of intense pleasure very quickly turned into 2 minutes of excruciating agony and finally into good 2 days of discomfort.
( zacherynuk @echo off, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 8:44, 8 replies)

At my cabin
I was four-wheeling alone (http://www.legionglobal.net/images/400cc%20ATV.JPG), about eight miles out on some back-country trails. It had rained the previous week, with me stuck inside the cabin doing various fix-it things, so I was pretty excited to go riding and was probably revving it a bit faster than I had to. I was along one path, going much too fast for the path itself, and hit a puddle so caked with mud and dust that I couldn't see it. I hydroplaned, hit the other side, and was flipped over the handlebars forwards a good eight feet. Landed spread-eagle on my back. Stunned, dazed, I lay where I landed for a few moments. My ATV, on the other hand, is not content to have simply bucked me off. It flipped front-over-back, landed the back cargo bumper right on my elbow. That was the most intense pain I've ever felt. I get up after a few minutes of griping and yelling and denouncing ever god I'd ever heard of, and realized I had to get myself 8 miles back to my cabin, and my ATV was on its back. Eventually got it flipped right-side-up, drove it one-handed back to the cabin, and got to the local doctor. Turns out I shattered almost every bone in my forearm, and somehow bruised the bones of two of my ribs. Cast, recouperation for ages, the works. it was unpleasant.
(Trial.TM, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 8:38, Reply)

oo my nards!
Summer of grade 10 and my current gf and I were starting to take things a little more seriously. Most of the guys on the soccer team had already lost their "V" plates and were talking about how girls liked it better bald.
This, I thought, makes alot of sense. Reason 1: your manhood looks much, much bigger. Reason 2: Girls don't like sucking on hairy nuts.
Shaved it is then. Unfortunately the only "shaving" I had done was to wisk off the hardly visible peach fuzz around my top lip. "How hard could it be?" says me.
I was doomed from the start. Not using cream or soap, not knowing to shave with the hair grain, and not being able to control a razor well. Result? I got a little nick. It bled alot.
How do I stop the bleeding thinks I? Well Homer Simpson uses little squares of toilet paper, but I didn't think that would work with this gusher. AHHA! I know. Aftershave tingles a bit but stops blood flow on my face...

length? about 5 seconds of mind searing pain. Then a month as the stubble started to regrow and ingrow.
(SkoaL, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 8:14, 1 reply)

Ouch, my pride...
I went through a period of being a bit unsteady on my feet. Nothing too amiss; just fell over a lot. One afternoon, I went for a walk down to Tesco with my missus; it was five minutes from the house, and crucially it was downhill. 

So, true to form, I managed to fall over nothing, but this time managed to fall into the gutter. This was naturally hilarious to my missus. I tried to roll over and get up, but the slope stopped me from doing so; my feet were higher up than my head, and a lack of exercise along with the shock of falling over conspired to make me pretty weak. 

My missus couldn't help, as she was nearly choking with laughter as I did a pretty good impression of a turtle. To add insult to injury, I noticed the driver of a dairy lorry who had parked just up the road laughing heartily from his cab, too. 

I had grazed hands and a sore knee from the fall, but my pride was far more dented than my body. To this day she still dissolves into helpless laughter whenever she remembers it. 
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 7:53, Reply)

yooowwww!!!
I've just knelt on a little piece of lego...
Perishing kids......
( Sallyrsm, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 7:42, 4 replies)

not quite the ouchiest
but certainly the most recent. A few minutes ago I was sitting on the bog reading this QOTW on my phone. I got rather too engrossed and lost track of time. When I finally stood up all sensation was gone from my legs and my ability to move them was rather compromised. I only realised how much it was compromised when I stumbled and headed downwards. Thankfully I didn't hit the floor too hard, unfortunately this was because my head hitting the sink absorbed much of the kinetic energy. I now have a rather impressive lump above my right eye. Ouch.
( SteamedCleaner, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 7:14, Reply)

Right now
I was just having a lovely sleepy stretch in bed when I managed to get severe agonizing cramp in my leg. Which is why I'm up writing this post instead of curled up under the duvet. I expect I'll be limping all day.
(MagicMoose, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 6:14, Reply)

falling on my tail bone/arse
This doesn't sound that painful but it did hurt like a bugger for a while

I was at the gym doing an muscle toning class and one of the exercises involved a large exercise ball. All that was involved in said exercise was to do sit-ups on the ball. Of course, when your beginning to get hot and sweaty, and the floor is not that clean, things become rather slippery. The end result, the slightly over inflated ball decided that it would slip out from underneath me. I tried to stop myself from falling but was spectacularly unsuccessful. Basically, I fell on somewhere between my arse and tailbone. Now this wouldn't hurt so much normally, but I also have a slightly dodgy back. The ice pack I was given to numb the pain was very welcome and gladly accepted.

For the next couple of weeks, it was a somewhat painful experience to walk up and down stairs and bend over and occasionally to use the toilet. It still took a couple of months to fully recover from it though. I don't recommend falling on the arse
(roguedevil, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 2:31, Reply)

Circumcision!
Also, I got circumcised when I was 5 because of another strange medical condition which meant that my foreskin partially covered my urethra. My nethers were so tender afterwards that they had to get me a huge steel frame to keep the bedsheets as far away from my Jatz crackers as possible.

This happened on my fifth birthday too. Now that's painful.
(ElGranto, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 2:12, Reply)

Catheter capers
I was born with a strangely large tongue (I think the medical explanation was "fucked if we know why") so had to have 3 tongue reduction operations over a period of about ten years. After the last operation I had to spend a day in ICU for observation, as my tongue swelled up to a massive size and they had to make sure my airways didn't get blocked.

Anyway, in this ICU each patient got assigned their own bedside nurse throughout the night. I was in and out of conciousness for that night, being that I was freshly post-op, but my nurse filled me in on a good story the next day.

That night there'd been a car accident involving a drunk driver, and the pillock had to admitted to ICU because of broken legs or something. He was drunk on admission and was an absolute arsehole, abusing the nurses and loudly bitching about his pain, particularly the catheter that had had to be installed. At some point in the night the catheter tube got twisted around his big toe and...well, the gents amongst you can picture why that would've sucked. His beligerence reached new heights in light of this and he loudly called for the "fucking nurses" to come help him out.

Unfortunately, my nurse told me, the entire staff inexplicibly became temporarily deaf and he was left to suffer. Word to the wise: don't piss off medical staff, because the Hippocratic oath doesn't cover vengeance.
(ElGranto, Sat 31 Jul 2010, 2:10, 2 replies)

Its a big helicopter!!!
Back in the day when I fitted windows and doors not your cheap uvpc sit but high end top quality stuff. I was working on the imperial wharf on Chelsea harbour on a new build on the top floor penthouse.

I had just fitted and cleaned the sliding patio doors and was starting to work on one of the side windows when I heard a WHAP WHAP WHAP in the distance downriver. Being opposite Battersea’s heliport offered me, as a bit of a plane spotter, plenty of opportunities to see Bell Jet Rangers, Robinson R4’s etc coming in but this was different, very different.
I looked down river and saw to my amazement a USAF HH53 pave low Super Jolly Green giant coming up river, this is big exotica in the helo world and a very rare bird to be seen over London. I stood transfixed as I came roaring up the Thames, I though ‘wow’ and ran through to the balcony to see this huge helo come in to land, the first time I had ever seen one in real life!

I ran and then..........I woke up on my back looking up at the unpainted ceiling wondering WTF had happened, I sat up, dazedly looked out and the helicopter had gone, I clearly had lost some time, had an egg sized lump on my brow and my glasses had broken, in my haste I had forgotten that the patio doors leading onto the balcony were shut and In my excitement clearly had forgotten they were there. I usually put a visible safety film across after cleaning but for some reason had neglected to do so.

The pain was bad but I couldn't see that well without my glasses and if I was to drive home I needed to repair them, luckily only the frame had snapped no damage to the lens. So I got the superglue out of the tool kit and put a large lump on the edge and pressed it together where the edge of the bit holding the lens in place meets the frame.

I brought it up close to have a look and see if it was setting, I let go to see if it had taken and it rebounded under pressure and it flicked a small lump of the glue into my right eye which immediately I closed my eyes and pressed together, I was still groggy from being knocked out and in hindsight pressing was not the right choice to make, but too late I had just glued my eyelid together and to my eyeball.

It started to sting and the hour it took to get to A&E was sore but bearable.
The only treatment to separate skin is to cut away, scrape or use a solvent, being actually on my eye the latter was not a option so cut and scrape they did, the pain was not so bad once the local anaesthetic started to work but the process was terrifying and the feeling of someone scraping your eyeball is something I would not like to repeat.

I still love helicopters but am far more careful in my viewing. And I wear contact lenses.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Sat 31 Jul 2010, 1:43, 1 reply)