disproportionate anger.
When a bastard teaspoon drops through a gap in the dishwasher cutlery holder, and prevents the tray from sliding out....now that make me fucking mental.
(Chillumm, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:02, Reply)

4)
Parents who refuse to take responsibility for their (they're? im in a hurry grammer swine) childs actions.

Take for example America, every time some loopy little fucker decides to go postal at the local high school who gets castigated? the parents? nope. The gun laws? nope well who's fault is it then?

Well obviously its the fault of Ministry, or korn, or the film Oldboy, or the makers of GTA, or the internet. Your kid was a fucking loopy twat with little or no regard to human life, emotions or cause and effect, its your damn child and your responsibility to bring them up, don't sue Clive Barker because he writes somw weird violent shit, or Judas Priest because they write pony hair rock music, look at the fact that you farmed him off to a therapist, fed him prescription drugs and generally ignored him.

And then we have these miracle medical excuses. My son has ADHD, or FCMS (fucking crazy mad shit) or DOOBIEDOOBIEDOO and thats the reason he cunting fuckity swears and shits on old peoples laps and tortures fluffy animals.

No its not, bollocks, its mainly down to you being a rubbish parent, fucking deal with it.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:01, 3 replies)

Here's another Radio 4ism that gets on my tit end
They're always on about health workers "on the ground" and office workers "on the ground" and animal welfare officers "on the ground" etc. ON THE FUCKING GROUND ? Of course they're on the fucking ground where else are they going to be? Floating around in the fucking sky ?
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 2 May 2008, 13:01, 2 replies)

The Cannabis Debate.
This is one of the things I really, really hate.

Especially the people who say 'It harms innocent people'. No it doesn't. If a person chooses to take it (as with any drug), it's their responsibility.

Just legalise it and stop fannying about for feck's sake.

Have you ever heard of someone stabbing someone because they're stoned? No? Neither have I. Strange how it's illegal, then, and alcohol isn't.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:59, 8 replies)

Frank Sinatra.
Pure fail.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 2 May 2008, 12:59, 2 replies)

Having an unelected Prime Minister
Did you vote for Gordon Brown to be our illustrious leader?

Nope, neither did I.

Edit: I do understand how the the system works. 30 is my age, not my IQ (although sometimes I do wonder!)

The point I'm trying to make is that if TB no longer wants to be PM then surely a general election should be held. Most people have a good idea that Labour are no longer upto the job so surely they should take the bull by the horns and let the people decide which party should be in power.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:58, 4 replies)

christian rock fans
...i would like to see them flayed alive..
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:56, 1 reply)

Alot of things seem to make me angry....

but what has to be one of the worst things is this....

I was standing in line at my local subway ( i noticed a meal deal, meh.)
anyway, and this skinny, lanky streak of piddle walks in and begins asking each member of the queue if they "wanna buy a can of deoderant" to which They all in turn reply "no thanks".

Now as he makes his way to me im just about to give my order in for a delicious bacon and ham with salad large, with a nice cold drink and a cookie :3 when he taps me on the shoulder asks the same fucking question i obviosly heard 2 minutes ago, i turn slowly around rolling my eyes to the other customers and calmy say:

Sure.




Im not going to pay 3 to 5 fucking pounds for a can of lynx....

A pound will do me....


I hate myself.


Still hate smackheads/scabheads or w.e. you prefer.
(FATSHARK smokey flange, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:56, Reply)

Work based business bullshit speak
Please. Say what you cunting well mean when you speak. My current employers are horribly guilty of this. The majority of people here talk complete bollocks without even realising. There are far too many, but these are my particular two most hated business bullshit phrases:

'Touch base', as in "Davros, I need an update on that business case you're working on. Can we have ten minutes just so we can touch base?"

Errrrrrrm, if you mean can you talk to me about it, then yes. However, if touching base is some thinly disguised euphemism for feeling each other's arses behind the filing cabinets, then you can cunt off right now. I'll be in touch with Human Resources about you, and no mistake. (And Human Resources - jeez. Whatever was wrong with 'personnel'? 'Cause the fuckers in our place certainly delight in taking the 'human' aspect out of HR).

'Bottom out'. What does this MEAN? Is it an attempt to gain a level of understanding about something that you might not have a full grasp on? Or a potential problem that needs acting upon before it gets out of hand?

Or is it a veiled attempt to try and ram a tube up my jacksie and give me a good flushing?

Eh?

*EDIT* Apologies Devil-in-Tights, I've just read your post. I'm finding it hard to keep up today...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 2 May 2008, 12:56, 2 replies)

Useless snippets of 'wisdom'
...that are blatently balls when you examine them. Yet they remain ubiquitous for no fathomable reason except we have got used to them and forgot how useless and wrong they are, like Vernon Kaye and Nick Hancock.

1.'Takes one to know one'-No it doesnt. I know what a Bishop is like but Im not a Bishop. This is the adult form of saying 'I know you are you said you are but what am i?' retort that children under 8 years old use.

2. 'Never a borrower or lender be' which is bollocks, and especially annoying when people prefix it with 'As Shakespeare said...' as if this gives it some sort of sacred value. No he didnt, and no it doesnt. Its something one of Shakespeare's characters says. This is very different.

3. 'A spoonfull of sugar helps the medicine go down' Tell that to a diabetic.

4. 'God moves in mysterious ways'- no, you believe in fairies and thats a shit get out clause.

Their are many many more. But i only have a set amount of kittens to kick so Ill stop now.
(trumplefahrt, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:54, 1 reply)

mac users..
...thinking they're all intellectually superior when in fact they're just mongs..
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:54, 1 reply)

Rant nr. 2 of the day
Ok so it might be slightly controvertial but..

Christian Union groups! Damn.. I, as a person, have no issue with religion in general. I am not religious myself and I intend to stay that way. I will not change my mind from any evangelistic fucktard screaming that I'm going to hell, neither will I change my mind from passive agressive email campaigns.

Having left university I thought my Christian Union hating days were over (those 'Grill A Christian' meeting posters really made me seethe.. No other religious group at university felt the need to ADVERTISE their lunacy!). But on facebook the other day (I know..) I saw that an old 'friend' of mine had just joined a group. Called NSPCCU.. Out of curiosity I had a look and yes.. it was the National Society of Prevention of Cruelty to (wait for it..) Christian Unions.

What the flaming fuck??
(darras jeg har en grevling i hodet. Grevling, grevlang, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:54, 3 replies)

I can't believe nobody's mentioned...
Shirt collars with buttons in them.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:53, Reply)

Being from Scotland
my pronunciation is, as you will appreciate, beyond reproach.

If you listen to R4 you'll know there are certain words and phrases that are used proportionately more than on any other radio station. They're always on about people or groups that are more prone to harm or disadvantage than others. Now pay attention newsreaders, correspondents, interviewers, interviewees, etc. These are VULNERABLE not as you would have us believe VUNRABLE. That would be a four syllable word, not three. Say it properly for fuck sake.

And another thing ... it's recognise not reconise. It's February not Febuary. And it's library not libary. etc. (Not etc, etc, etc or indeed ect.)

Spleen duly vented. Thank you for this opportunity.
( Ramsay Tupper, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:53, Reply)

3 words
exscape, paciffically, and blatantly

only one is a real word, but all are thrown around a lot.

learn to speak.
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Fri 2 May 2008, 12:53, 5 replies)

losing things
I find this the single most frustrating aspect of day-to-day life. Comments such as - 'well where did you last leave your key's have no doubt resulted in many bloody axe murders.

I'm cooking / doing some DIY whatever. One moment I have a knife/screwdriver, whatever in my hand, then suddenly it slips trough a wormhole. The more I look for it the more my rage mounts.

Then of course like every bloke there is 'bloke looking’, which is part of the problem.

"Mrs Spimf! - where's the tabasco/lightbulbs/drugs? "

"They’re in the top left cupboard"

"Where?"

"Look for them - they're there"

"THEY ARE NOT"

Mrs Spimf stomps in looks in same cupboard

"There!' hands item to me

"Oh, thanks"

(Men do have a wee biological excuse for this - men as the traditional hunters take in visual information from the distance better - we can also judge speed and track motion better - i.e. if we spot a deer we are more likely to be able to throw our spear/rock at the point it will be at 4 feet later as it runs from when we throw - women as gathers have a better eye for up close detail - i.e. the best berries. they also have better peripheral vision to spot attacks from predators)

Then there is the classic...

I put my laptop, phone, etc EXACTLY THERE last night. YOU MUST HAVE MOVED IT. I know what I’m doing I’m not a bloody idiot.

Ten mins of heated argument later I find the item in the place THAT I left it - and look like a bloody idiot.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:52, 2 replies)

People who tell me to cut my hair
I am a 20-something guy with very long blonde hair - it could quite reasonably be described as a mane. It seems every day someone will make a "joke" about it and finish off by making it clear they think I should cut it. I've come to the conclusion that these people somehow feel threatened by my non-adherence to the status quo of male short-back-and-sides and feel the need to strike out in fear. Just what is the problem exactly? I don't give a flying fuck what your hair looks like (unless it's a £50 Tony and Guy emo number) and I certainly wont attempt to judge you for it so why are you judging mine?

In my experience this applies to any behaviour outside of the norm. For example, I was a vegetarian for 18 months. I would refuse all meat but prided myself on never preaching or looking down on meat-eaters. If a friend wanted to have a friendly discussion about it that was fine, but what pissed me off on a near-daily basis were people I hardly knew who, on finding out I didn't eat meat, would hurl a million aggressive questions as to why in my direction, even try and coerce me into eating their meat, and either act offended or mightily amused at the simple choice I'd made. By the end of 18 months I really came to appreciate the small minority of people who weren't in the slightest bit interested by the fact I was a vegetarian, beyond obvious "what to cook" dilemmas (which were usually solved anyway by my supplying a linda mcCartney pie or suchlike).

What the fuck is the problem? I came to the same conclusion I have come to over the hair issue - these people are offended and made insecure by the difference and feel the need to lash out.

Other points of difference I get regularly and irrationally persecuted for:

- smoking rollups as opposed to "proper fags"
- shopping in charity shops
- listening to vinyl
- not watching TV
- not being interested in football
etc. etc. Grrrr. The world is full of Nazis.
(lost, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:51, 11 replies)

spkin funy
My company has a lot of rather samey and annoying 20 something 'consultants'. Think "The Apprentice" but theres 350 of them.

I occasionally delve in to their email for a laugh - I'm a sysadmin so its part of the job, but lunchtime reading livens up the day.

Normally, the business emails are fine, lots of spelling and grammar errors but I understand that schools arent what they were but I utterly fail to understand why when they talk amongst themselves on email, they write things like:

"oioi wot du u fink bot dat innit mad innit wot woz she finkin? u out 2nite? uz n dat lot is gunna go Rbns 4 pizzzzup fukkin a."

Thats a cut and paste by the way. The exact email. Between people who are in their late 20's. Its not a one off, I see hundreds of these. I was genuinely shocked to see that a good majority of people actually write like that. It takes me ages to read it as well. And the really fucking stupid part is that it takes longer than normal english most of the time. Who the fuck uses "uz" instead of "us"?

I understand languages evolve, they always have done. Words and spellings and meanings change over time, but do they ever leap into utter inanity within a generation.

People moan about apostrophes being in the wrong place - you're not even close to seeing how bad it really is.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:50, Reply)

just now
Waiting for the laminator to warm up. why does it take 9 minutes? It's the 21st century!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:49, 6 replies)

people who push the lift button when the doors are closing..
...happened to me today
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:46, Reply)

Christ, where to start...
I could fill this entire QOTW with my own bitter rantings, but a few that spring to mind

1. Internet retards who can't spell. It's not fucking difficult. And anyone who types 'lol', 'rofl', 'ftw' etc etc should be shot in the face for the good of humanity

2. Adverts. I just hate them. I AM NOT BUYING YOUR CUNTING PRODUCTS

3. Tesco at the end of my road. They have organic lark's tongues, but no milk, eggs, bread etc. Cunts. In fact Tesco full stop. They are evil.

4. Ben Affleck. You are an actor. SO ACT MOTHERFUCKER. Why are you paid millions to do what a dribbling stroke victim could do more effectively

5. The Daily Mail. And everyone who reads it. I hope you all die

6. Anyone who likes happy house, funky uplifting house, hardcore, gabba etc etc. Look if you need to take 5 pills and 2 grams of ketamine to enjoy the music, doesn't that tell you something?

7. James Blunt

8. Cunts who buy up tickets for gigs before fans have a chance to get any, and then flog them on ebay.

9. Violence of any kind. Unless it is in a film/TV show/video game

10. Footballers/football. The over paid spoilt thick as pigshit players, the fans, the violence, the hype. FUCK OFF
(ginger ninja, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:45, 7 replies)

womens beauty advertisements...
..I mean BO(swe)LLOX..

..Ladies if you fall for this rubbish then there's no hope for any of us..
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:45, 2 replies)

Woman, and their daftness
I will sound terribly misogynistic here, but empirical research conducted by me has concluded it is a near-exclusive womanly trait...of not having the bus fare/cash card ready despite waiting ages in the bus queue/ATM queue beforehand. This leads to increased waiting times and irritable huffing from the less patient members of society, ie: me and men in general.

Ive never understood why this is, as it seems a simple process. My own spurious theory is when a woman has to wait for anything instead of filling that time with practical tasks, as a man would, their mind instead defaults to a slideshow of kittens segued with shoes as Beverley Knight plays in the background. I was recently dumped and not bitter regarding the female population, oh no.
(trumplefahrt, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:42, 2 replies)

Woo Zany!
People that call themselves wacky, zany,crazy or random and enjoy reminding everyone of this.

You may think that but really, you're a cock.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:41, 3 replies)

can we put nationalities?
..or is that naughty?
(CarolVorderman'sBumTurret, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:41, 1 reply)

Confessions of a Grumpy Git:
I'm afraid this one won't hit a nerve with everyone - but it might if you live in or near a city, so here goes:

1) The Tube (or similar) - £110 a month and it never works properly? I can't help but feel I'm being ripped off somewhere.

2) Still in the same vein... When you're traveling home, and the train is pretty well empty so you've positioned yourself by the glass screen for a good leaning and reading position, why does the next person to get on stand right next to you? There's a whole train to choose from, go away!

3) Talking of personal space: Guys, when stood at urinals there's an unspoken rule that if there's more than one free, don't choose the one that's right next to another guy. It's weird. Unless you're the sort of guy who likes to compare willies with other men.

4) Management Speak. Dear lord, save us from the bastards. This is a form of communication which enables people who have nothing worthwhile to say to talk for hours on end without saying anything. So "Anybody got any ideas regarding the Stevenson account?" becomes "What I'd like to do now is initiate a brainstorming session; you know, a kind of open forum where we can all think outside of the box a little bit, perhaps change our initial perceptions as far as the business strategy of the client is concerned. We really need to push the envelope here guys, and fun-da-mentally map out the footprint of where this project is going. Thoughts?"

5) If I hold a door open for you, please say thank you. I'm not being patronising, I'm not even trying to be chivalrous, I'm just trying to stop the big heavy glass door smashing in to your face and breaking your nose. Please don't look at me like I'm something the cat dragged in.

I think that might be enough to be going on with. I'm a grumpy old man trapped in the lithe and sophisticated body of a 28 year old.

Shit.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:41, 3 replies)

The New Febreze Advert
The family's house appears to smell of fish for no reason! There is no explanation of where this fishy smell is coming from! Have they been cooking fish? Have they been preparing fish? Is it the wife/mother? Or does their house naturally smell of fish for some reason?

Damn you, I want to know why their house smells of fish!
(Big Smurf Brush me daddy-O, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:37, 10 replies)

Just about everything really.
Now fuck off.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:36, Reply)

things that piss me off
1. People who type lol. Cunts.
2. People who inappropriately use (and overuse) the words "legend" and "genius" thus diminishing their impact.
3. People who dodge rounds. If you're skint then say so, and buy your own. Don't just fuck off when it's your time to pay.
4. Dog shit all over the countryside. Fucking sick.
5. Their they're there, you're your, two to too. Incorrect uses of.
6. People who flaunt their wealth/salary. No need for it.
7. Cunts who make ranty lists, like this one.
( Rusty Shackleford www.junt.co.uk / @joeyrobbo, Fri 2 May 2008, 12:36, 5 replies)