HoN
I too have - After being poked by the Chicken Lady - uploaded a piccy of myself.

I'll let my QOTW history be my personal add.. though to be honest it's most likely to serve as a warning to others on how *not* to lead their lives.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Never trust the 'phone voice...
Oh God, I've done it. I've actually done it. Clearly, I crave attention.

How about something that's vaguely on-topic?

Many, many moons ago - while all of this were still fields and a lad could get a bottle of pop and a chocolate bar out of a pound and still have enough change to buy half of Yorkshire - an eighteen-year-old Devil was working bar in rural Essex.

One sunny summer's afternoon, a friend and regular of mine came in to the bar, and sat down, looking pale and shaken. After ordering a pint of finest, and drinking healthily of it, I felt brave enough to inquire as to what was making my punter look so ashen.

"Well mate," spake he, his voice sounding hollow and somewhat inhuman "I met this girl, y'see..."

Turns out that Frankie (which we'll call this guy as everyone else was doing it) had been on the 'phone to Vodafone, about something or other. Anyway, he and the lady on the other end of the 'phone get talking, and she (unbelievably!) says that she was depressed because she'd put a lonely heart out in the local paper, and hadn't had any responses. Frankie thinks to himself that's a tragic tale, and takes it upon himself to ride (as it were) to this damsels aid. He figures that she sounds nice, so why not go for it? He suggests, playfully, that they should meet.

Within seconds, she has a date in the diary and sounds like Frankie has just made her day, week, month and year. She's taken his mobile number so they can keep contact during the 2 weeks until they get to finally meet.

She then proceeds to text him. On the half hour. Every half hour. And if he didn't reply, she would get hysterical and phone him every 10 minutes until he answered, whether he was working or not.

Just when he's thinking about changing his number, or leaving the country, the Big Day comes around. For reasons still as yet unexplained (nearly 10 years later), he went to Birmingham to meet her.

And this is where the story takes a twist. He is stood at New Street (I imagine with a red carnation or something), and then gets a tap on the shoulder. He turns around, and is met with a (in his words) "mountain" who looks gleefully happy to see him. Her opening line is "I've booked a hotel, are you coming?" and then turns to sashay (wobble) seductively (slowly) away.

It's as this point Frankie became sketchy on detail. It seems he went to the hotel with this lady, and it also seems that they each hopped on to their good feet and did the bad thing. He even said that it was some of the most energetic, playful and downright good sex he had ever had.

So why the ashen face? He'd woken up from the glow of post-coital sleep, to find the girl rimming him.

So, it wasn't so much about how Frankie went down the rabbit hole, but more about how she went up his Warren...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:33, Reply)

BAndwaggon
All Aboard.

I think I found a seat at the back
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:26, Reply)

the bandwagon hast been boarded.
this can only end badly.
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:19, Reply)

After a number of years being single
and hearing people go on about Match.com amongst other sites, I thought, pah, what the fuck! So I created a free account, and took pride trying to be as honest as possible (big mistake). Anyway...

Eventually I decided to send a few winks, and I actually got a wink back! I was chuffed, as that is just about far I get when I'm out on the pull. But shit! You can't send an email without paying for membership, so I did, then sent an email. But of course, she didn't have membership and wasn't prepared to pay for membership, which is also very similar to me meeting any girls in person, you give, they take *grumbles*...

After that I decided to do the stereotypical carpet bomb wink technique. After sending a few I started contemplating sending one to someone who seemed a bit sensible for me, and thought I would consult a friend. So I sent him the saying,

Subject: Bird
Body: Hey mate, what do you think of this one? Not too shabby hey?

Except that I emailed it to her! Damn, I even put my foot in it on the web, there is no saving me.

But anyway, I persisted and created a free account on another site. But this time I recieved an email from a rather hot looking girl! Nice I thought, i'll sign up and reply, I did, she didn't bother replying back! Like wtf? From that moment on I decided that 70% of it is a pure con, fake profiles... that's my excuse for being so pathetic at it anyway!
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:18, Reply)

Is it fair game
To post links to some of the freaks on the web looking for love. I've just found someone who makes Beth Ditto look svelte, and claims to have a little boy... For breakfast was that? I mean, I am overweight, but this one looks like blinking would leave them out of breathe...
(plkrtn, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:13, Reply)

I signed up too
With the oh-so-original Teran123. Still waiting for them to approve my photo. Its like a year old, but I didn't have anything more recent accessible at work.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:12, Reply)

scary
i have also added my ugly mug to the hot or not thing.

if it turns out i get below 5 then i am taking my ball away and going home.
(Jim the Cat, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:10, Reply)

2.9!!!
Bah!


That includes the 10 I gave myself... bastards!
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 11:01, Reply)

bandwagon!
i know i'm a n00b but i decided to join in on this Hot Or Not marlarkey. Some of you blokes and ladies are rather pretty!
I'm the__chicken (ooh, imaginative) and I am the azn chick drinking a cock...tail
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:55, Reply)

60?




you hurtful cunts
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:50, Reply)

Feel like I should hop on the bandwaggon
But i wont...

yet
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:44, Reply)

Coincidentally...
I joined HoN the other day.
& today find out that there's a b3ta scoreboard.
I think we're all vain really... Vain & sick.
=D
Well, at least I am.

Scary personal ads: "Dom BBW seeks male slave to restrain for a day. Prefers slim young men, not new to girl-guy anal."

Is it me, or does that conjure horrible things?
(Infernus Annoying board Nazis on, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:34, Reply)

Only two interesting anecdotes to add to the mix....
First off was finding out that I was on the same dating site as my son's mother (now an ex after a very nasty break-up). We'd come up as perfect matches for each other, and as I hadn't posted a photo she wasn't sure it was me. A couple of e-mails later we'd swapped profile information so that we knew who to avoid.

The other is a success story of internet dating: meeting a good-looking and filthy-minded bisexual lawyer, who I successfully introduced to the joys of BDSM. When we socialised, she was open and out about everything - except one dirty little secret.

She was a morris dancer.

Sometimes, when I hear the sound of bells and accordions, I miss her.
(uncle whippity, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:32, Reply)

OK, I've done it too.
I'm (like someone else wrote earlier) a moderately unattractive scientist, so it'll be interesting to see what happens.

Hopefully won't be slitting my wrists too soon!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:32, Reply)

B3ta HoN
It feels a bit like we've got our own personal dating service now! Mind you, I'd much rather meet a b3tan than some random off of HoN.
(I had to use the name Linus Van Pelt on HoN as Lucy was taken).
woo and yay.
x
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:28, Reply)

What teh?
Five minutes since I joined HoN, and I've already had someone half match me. He wants a woman who likes to watch. Am not sure what he wants the woman to watch. Boxing? Songs of Praise?
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:26, Reply)

Bitter? Bit him, too
People of B3ta, if you get lots of low scores even though people don't turn to stone or recoil in horror when they look at you, it's because you are attractive, and the people rating you feel threatened by it.

I want to flag a possible other issue, which is that people that most b3tans would dismiss as chavs and pikeys score highly on HoN. I'm prepared to put up with being rated 1 by a pikey - it means they're that little bit less likely to try to send me a cock shot.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:17, Reply)

My IT department
Has also blocked HoN, so rachelswipe is not alone in that.

My attempt to access it has been logged. That'll be interesting, since I work in our IT department. Time for a quick hax and a coverup then!
( Kroney, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:13, Reply)

Good to go
Pic uploaded. Went for one of me in traditional Asian clothing. I'm TFBB on there by the way.

The site I used was fine. Only had one person be mean to me.
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:12, Reply)

damn...
took me far too long to figure out how to join that accursed HoN scoreboard....

let's see if the beard-wearing gentleman does it for the ladies (or blokes if they are that way inclined*)

*Edit: to clarify for rswipes sake and others who may be confused: I'm not that way inclined
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:07, Reply)

Strange woman seeks sane man for dating
One date was interesting. Stupidly I agreed to go around to hers for something to eat and drink, not thinking properly evidently. "I'll cook for you" she says.

So, I go, and meet the same face I saw on the photo, except when she walks away from me, and I see her in full profile, I realise that if she ran into the side of my car, it would be similar to the scene from Jurassic Park when the T-Rex flips them over. If my car could get through a tight space in the road, I don't think she could.

So, anyway, I continue on, thinking "Don't be shallow, you're not exactly slim yourself". A night follows eating quite literally, layers of cheese and onion baked in an oven, gagging as I tried to force it down my throat, and listening to said lady sat watching UKTV Food ranting on about what a gimp James Martin the chef is. Every time I tried to engage in conversation, even the simplest "generic compliment on your CD and DVD collection" chats were met by conversations regarding what repeat was airing on UKTV Food at the time. I began to realise why I barely fitted on a three seat sofa with her, inane scary psycho stares and all...

I was there less than two hours. As I left, I looked up at the house thinking "What room was I in?" It didn't take me long to find out, as she was stood in the window staring back at me, Norman Bates style.

You'd have thought the white smoke and rubber laid down by my car would have been indication enough of my lack of interest, maybe the lack of MSN contact... But a month later, my sister recieved a message on her MySpace "Hey, I like your band... I used to date your brother... oops...". The psycho alarm was ringing...

One stern MySpace message back telling her to fuck off, as one date does not constitute "dating" later, and I'm still VERY careful whenever I venture into Moseley.
(plkrtn, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Never mind the fat chicks
Broadly speaking, there are six types of men on internet dating sites:

The Guilt Trip
I'm an ugly bastard. If you don't message me back, that means you're shallow. In fact, you should go out with me because if you don't, that means you're a bitch who judges by appearances. So go on. Prove that you're not like other girls. Make an ugly bloke's day. If you message me back, I'll love you forever. If you don't, I'll rape your auntie.

The Gold-Digger-Digger
I'm very rich and you're obviously a special lady. So special in fact that this message is just for you. Of course I haven't cut and pasted it and sent it to every 18-24 year old in London. No. You're special. I've got a Porsche.

The Conscientious Profile-Reader
I see that you like Monty Python. I too like Monty Python. I see that you have an interest in mathematics. I took a math class in high school. I have to admit, I know little about classical music but I do love to listen to Classic FM late at night. We obviously have much in common.

The Cyber
ur well fit u wana chat?

The Potential Soulmate
I recently read your profile and felt touched by your presence. Two brilliant minds can find solace together as we pass through the vast space alone inside our eyes gazing for eternity in endeavour to turn as we speak above the waters under our feet.* If you don't message me back I'll probably slit my wrists.

The Sensitive Type
I'm a sensitive guy, not like the others. I cry when I watch Forrest Gump. I cry when I watch Tom and Jerry. In fact, I cry pretty much constantly since I'm such a sensitive type. When I'm not blubbing over Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, other hobbies include saving abandoned orphans and writing poetry. Yes, I really think you're going to go weak-kneed over some buffoon who spends his free time penning execrable poetry.

Then there's the language. Internet dating has its own language.

Adventurous = Enjoys participating in golden showers and worse
Uninhibited = Nudist
Sensitive = Psychopath
Wanna chat sometime? = Wanna have cybersex sometime?
ur stunning = I've only looked at your picture
Looking for a special lady = Looking for a pretty but dumb lady
No fat chix = I really haven't given any thought as to how this might be interpreted by today's women who think anything above a size 8 is "fat"
I hate writing about myself = I'm trying to sound charming and modest
I have a webcam if ur interested = Dear God, don't even go there

*This is an actual message I once received
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 10:00, Reply)

Hangs head
I'd give me 1

(Sorry, thought I'd get that in before anyone else did)

I did try to rate myself as a 10, but it didn't seem to work - not that I think that, but I'm vain after all....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:45, Reply)

I agree with RSwipe and BigToysForBoys
I'll be the first to admit I'm no oil painting, but hell, I don't think I actually deserve a 1. 3 people have voted me as a 1. Even Joseph Merrick wouldn't get a 1.

To be honest I'm actually chuffed with my score, I'm 2 points over what I thought I'd get. woot!

Last night saw me slip down the ranks into midtable oblivion. Not the best start to a monday.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:43, Reply)

Awww, thanks peeps!
Ego sufficiently massaged! What a beautiful bunch you all are...
Much prettier than some of the shockers that try it on on some of the sites I've signed up to! It's the 54 year olds who tell me they look young for their age that make me laugh. You may look young for 54, but it's still 14 years over my age limit, sweetheart.
( Whodathunkit, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:39, Reply)

well
i just tried to access hotornot but it's been barred as "pornography" according to our IT team. what the hell have you lot been posting on it?

also, and i am not just saying this because i am bothered and seeking counselling as a result of my rating - although apeloverage was quite right when he said "you can't spell 'i'm not bitter' without 'i'm bitter'" - but how would you know whether your score was genuine or whether people had been logging in anonymously to give themselves 10s or giving you 1 or 2 to skew the results? surely anyone really hoping to meet people on that site would be giving all the competition really low marks?

or is that just me!?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:30, Reply)

HoN
11th - Hoo Ahh :-)

**Oh the shame**

Edit - I'm hotter than MsSwipe apparently :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:09, Reply)

Jim the Cat
Jim the Cat - I've not had sex in what seems like forever (TMI) but it could be worse - a FrankSpencer story could have popped into your head.

Actually, some of them are rather good.

Um. TMI again?
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 17 Sep 2007, 9:06, Reply)