stinking banking beast
my conscience might hurt me for this, but it was bloody funny. where i work, there are two girls called dawn. one is slim, blonde, stunning. she turned up to the christmas do looking like the tiny adorable fairy off the top of the christmas tree in a shimmering pink organza dress.

the other is a bible bashing shower avoiding 300lb salad dodger. she works in accounts, but when i once asked her urgently if a client cheque had cleared so i could draw on it, she replied, "oh. i'm not allowed to talk to the bank anymore." wtf? then why, oh why, are you alive??

anyway, dawn 2 turned up wearing a long black dress, greasy hair stuck to her reeking head, and 50m of pink crackling bacofoil wrapped around her.

by 2am, both of them were hammered. dawn 1 was curled up like a kitten sleeping sweetly at one end of a sofa. dawn 2 was snoring like a herd of wildebeest, head back, legs akimbo, hairy growler on full display in a most unchristian fashion.

the technical term which i used to describe the scene was "shallow hal". unfortunately this has now spread and neither dawn understands why...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:40, Reply)

Lightly broiled tram tramp
I've spent a few years living in Prague, a city with an impeccable public transport system. There are trams everywhere, day and night, and in the winter they even turn on heaters under the seats, something you are always thankful for when it's minus ten outside.
The only problem is that the city's homeless population also uses these heated carriages as a refuge from the cold, and some of them smell really really bad. You've may have smelled a tramp with a rotting leg at one time or another - now imagine he's being gently cooked inside a closed box. I swear it's the worst smell in the world - I've seen entire carriages emptied in the rush hour.
( Zuowan, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:39, Reply)

The Lighting Guy...
I studied media at university (look where it got me! yay!)...

Anyway, final year we had to make a film and split up into groups to do so. Of course there was one guy that no one wanted to work with (three years worth of stories, too much to mention) so he got stuck with us.

Now here I am about to reveal a theory I have about some as yet undiscovered chromosomal anomoly. We all know, or are acquainted with people who resemble oafs. I don't mean in a lovely huggable way, I'm talking oversized and overweight, strangely out of proportion bodies, beady psycho eyes, big jaws and advancing hair-lines. These are by no means the only symptoms, but the most prominent.

So, this guy that was thrust unwillingly upon us, was an oaf. And he stank, and was a prick.

So we're shooting the film and one scene takes place in a public toilet, a small badly ventilated public toilet. Packed with some very high wattage lights to set the scene. This toilet was hotter than Granny's gusset at a Tom Jones concert.

And the Oaf was working in there to get the lighting right for several hours, did I mention he was a perfectionist with a demented and skewed idea of perfection? Needless to say, when we all ventured in to start shooting, we were in for an olfactory shock.

Our dear Oaf smelled at the best of times, mainly BO but with tinges of mildew from his questionable (and not very varied) wardrobe, and occasionally, the hint of faeces (you know, like just the tip was poking our and massaging the crusty cotton of his underkeks).

I've never been subjected to a condition that I couldn't get used to, or at least bare for the greater good. Admittedly I am quite sheltered, but have been in my fair share of farty tents and mouldy living rooms.

But this Oaf's odour was bringing tears to my eyes and bile to my throat, and the longer I stayed in there, the worse it got.

Extra sweat, sweaty mouldy re-activated mildew and seven shades of jobby smell, from dry and crusty, through to moist and maleable.

We kept trying to all be in there and get the scene done how it needed to be, but none of us could stand the stench for long enough to switch the camera on and we wound up making excuses to run outside and breathe something other than fetid man-Oaf stench.

In the end we just let Oaf have 'creative control' over the whole scene and subjected our poorly paid actor to the odour while we stood around outside airing our clothes.

Still made the film though. And it got the highest mark of that year and the five years previous, along with the only lecturers comment I have ever been proud of.

"At times I thought your group dynamic so destructive that I am surprised you managed to produce a film at all, let alone one this good"

Length? It was eleven minutes of pure sh*t, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
(lessmiserable, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:32, Reply)

.
When I used to work at a supermarket this guy used to come in and he had so much plaque on the front of his teeth, you couldn't tell where one tooth finished and the next one started! And the smell was unbelievable, I had to breath through my mouth while talking. Not easy I can tell you. I feel sick thinking about it!

Ooooh and on the subject of teeth, my friend drank so much coke that his front teeth have got little black holes it looks a bit like wood rot!
(xlux, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:32, Reply)

Probably my own fault...but hey if you've got 'em- flaunt 'em.
Well, for a start I began reading this QOTW eating my lunch (which today consisted of smoked mackeral mixed with cottage cheese - all mushed up. Now I have a strong stomach- but even I had to wait until after I had eaten to continue reading)

I have the misfortune of working for a man who drinks lots of VERY strong (and cheap) coffee who smokes enough to choke a small whale. He also has a habit of leaning over me when he speaks (I am fairly well endowed- and trying to gain the attention of a fit developer - so tops are- shall we say-revealing - in a tasteful way)so I have no choice but to smell his stinky breath .

The smell- my god- I have to breath through my mouth -i can actually taste his breath. Unfortunately I have been promoted and will have to take a lot more of this in the future. May have to cover up more.

sorry just read that back again- may have to find another job (nearer the devloper)
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:27, Reply)

Like other stories on here
a guy at my company used to have a "work jumper" which appeared never to be washed. He used to smoke a lot and always reeked of BO. Once I noticed a stain on the arm from when he had vomited and wiped his mouth with his sleeve. The stain stayed there for as long as it takes things like that to crust up and drop off.

Oh well, he was sacked for incompetence and now works for a rival consultancy and has moved to Saudi Arabia. He should fit right in, but I expect him to come back minus a hand or two...
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:23, Reply)

You know those giant lizard things, those Komodo Dragons?
They have special cavities in their front teeth which trap bits of meat, which rot and give a 'septic bite'.

They hunt by sneaking a bite of their prey, then tracking it and waiting for it to weaken enough to be caught.

Bear with me!

The dental hygiene of a former relation of mine's was so bad that it brought these ungainly animals to mind.

Her teeth were brown and slimy, even though she didn't smoke, and her breath smelled exactly like rotten meat, all the time, from anywhere within 6 feet or so.

I tried not to upset her - I wasn't risking a septic bite.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:17, Reply)

I've got a few...
A guy called J. that I know. Perfectly nice guy, a bit socially inept but very likable, but he has never brushed his teeth in his life. He got one tooth knocked out in a fight when he was younger and since then has just decided to 'not bother looking after his teeth'. So his breath stinks, his mouth is rotting away, and he says one day he will go to the dentist and pay to get it all sorted but I think it's beyond repair.

Also, we have a toilet with a broken handle, so you have to lift the cover off the cistern and pull up on the plastic thing to flush it. Most people could get their head around this, but not one guy who stayed over. He took an enormous, mountinous, disgusting, smelly, shit, and then couldn't work out how to flush the toilet so decided to just leave it. The dirty bastard.

I know quite a few more smelly people but none really worth mentioning.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 13:00, Reply)

Stanky Knee pads
I am a wrestler, which means i fight big sweaty man, under incredibly hot lights. You tend to get the odd stinker.

Some guys rarely wash their gear, and instead use febreeze and other products designed to take away the smell...Seriously, the smell of some wrestlers kneepads is so ungodly...but it is hilarious to see a kneepad thrust into the face of an unwilling participant.

I always remember training school, and some of those smells....One of my trainers was a burly guy, whose kneepads reeked,but he was a nice fella. I always remember being locked in a side headscissors, which meant he was creating a scissor like grip over my face using his legs. I'll never forget the smell of sweaty legs :(

Length? Well,he's aboot 5'8 i think...
(Twisted Nerve Twisted his erm....nerve, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:39, Reply)

sneaky bastard...
having had to deal with grotty fuckers (and i do raise my hand to being offensive sometimes, like long hot train journeys with retardedly tight shoes which make your feet reeek) you get to know some subtle tricks to dealing with said situation, as most grotty fuckers have a sense of self esteem.

obviously you heartless cunts care nothing for these people as they havent been integrated into society, so heres a few helpfull hints in a stage process.

stage 1)

subtlety. now take a can of antiperspirant in with you, wait till tehy are talking to you an say, "fuck me i smell like a dead badger", remove can of said "smell nice" and use it, an then say, do you want some. usefull for getting them used to spray on cans of shower in a can.

stage 2)
make a convosation about cleanliness. SUBTLY is the fucking key. dont go making them feel like shit, just talk about it kindly without mentioning specifics.

stage 3)
if the retard OBVIOUSLY isnt fucking cooperating with your efforts, take them outsiede and fucking hose them down. ive had to do this once. and needless to say they got the fucking message, or throw a bucket of hot soapy water over them and use brooms to scrub them. the more of you do this, the easier it is as you can beat him with said brooms as well.

on another note i did live with a guy last year, we nick named him "dirty martin"

he was dirty (he washed his clothes rarely, and didnt take care of himself). he even claimed to be gods gift to women. admittadly he didnt look as bad as a trod in shit, however the smell he emitted did put them off.

that is all.
(konigsred, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:38, Reply)

My old boss...
A bloke called Neil (named and shamed for being a cunt) used to oversee the ever so rewarding job of nightshift shelf stacking at the supermarket where I have dubious pleasure of working.

I can honestly say he NEVER in his life had brushed his teeth... not once. If you were unlucky enough to have him talk to you you would count down the 45 seconds or so it took for all the oxygen to leech from your lungs and require you to take another breath of air. His breath was unbearable, so bad you could fucking taste it.

It's no word of a lie, his aroma had personality similar to that of Foul Ole Ron of Discworld fame. You could actually smell him coming before you'd see him.
( SubCulture Hero ... ... He... .... Comes ... ...., Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:34, Reply)

Dirty Cinema Peado...
Years back I took my (much younger) brothers to the cinema to seee 'Casper'. Fuck, it was a a special treat so I paid the extra 50p to sit in the 'better' seats at the back.

Of course the only three seats spare were next to this fat old guy. Even through the dark I could see the stains on his shirt and tie.

My brothers refused to sit next to him and I would have felt guilty if he'd touched them up or showed them his tail.

Anyhoo... We sat down and then I noticed the smell. Then the brother next to me smells it. Then the one sat furthest away smells it. It was fucking evil. Chip grease, sweat, smoke and at least 17 tramps' unwashed foreskins.

It was unbearable and we hadn't even finished the trailers. We didn't think to just leave.

After about 15 minutes of the film, I took action (kind of). I held the end of a Snickers in my mouth for a minute, then proceeded to wipe the melted mess across my top lip and under my nostils.

I may have looked like I'd just rimmed a guy with no arms, but at least the stench was slightly sweeter

The smelly cunt spent the rest of the film farting and dipping into his carrier bags to drink cheap lemonade from a 2 litre bottle and eating unbuttered sliced bread straight from the bag.

I hope he is dead.
(tinpixel, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:32, Reply)

What wicked twist of fate
made the French invent MONSIEUR PROPRE?!

Edit: just googled out they didn't invent it at all- it's American of origin. That one was too good to be true anyhow.
(Le Man Marathon in English 'The Marathon Man', Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:31, Reply)

SJM
When I worked in the Wolverhampton branch of GAME, we suffered from many a reeking customer. By far the worst though was a fellow we dubbed Smelly Janitor Man (SJM for short), his actual job being that of Public Toilet Cleaner.
He came in every day, would make bizarre death threats to us, would only buy the worst games and stank to high heaven. After suffering around 8 months of this, one day we positioned him in the centre of the shop and proceeded to hose him down with cans of air-freshener. Upon completing this decontamination ritual we solemnly intoned "Fuck off you moron and never come back."
"Don't worry, I won't" he grunted as he scuttled out of the shop.

He was back the next day.
(bridge_troll, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:31, Reply)

Engineers
Used to work in an office full of engineers. Although all fitted the stereotype of tweed jackets with leather patchwork on the elbow, 2 stood out as having hygiene problems.

The first always wore the same jumper. He called it his work jumper and never ever took it home. He'd put it on in the morning when arriving at work and take it off before leaving the office. He would wear it whatever the weather and it stunk to high heaven. You could smell him coming down the corridor before seeing him. Quite appropriately his surname was Mould.

The second guy was just a plain old disgusting stinker. Stunk of BO like he never washed, hair was always greasy and just an air of dirtiness about him. He also had a massive lump the size of an orange on his head which occasionally would seep pus out on to his already manky hair. The guy was a scout leader and was later sent down for 6 months for having a shit-load of child (young boy) porn on his personal computer (a lot of it was categorised as the worst kind of porn).

They smelt so bad that whenever I had to do work for either of them, I insisted that they never came in my office. I went to their desks and took their laptop away with me. On the off chance that they ever came into the IT room, we had a bottle of deodourant handy to de-foul the air after they left.
(brocky, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:24, Reply)

Washing hands and stinky smoke.
I wash my hands after using the loo and I'm rather shocked that so many others don't seem to. YOU might have a healthy immune system built up, but others might not. The harmless bugs you leave on door handles and telephones might be bad news for the frail pensioner following you.

I used to work in a nursery, looking after toddlers. One of them, an adorable little two-year old boy, used to come in stinking if cigarette smoke EVERY DAY. Who smokes around infant lungs?
(Musuko, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Smelly Socks in Deutschland
As an IT contractor, I've had a couple of jobs which involves me working overseas. One of these jobs was working for a dotcom company based in Munich called Websentric (later known as Meteor). When I first moved to Munich I was unprepared for the 6 months of alcohol abuse and constant clubbing which were about to happen.

Anyway, on my first night in Munich, we stayed at a nice hotel called Hotel Daniel on Sonnenstrasse in Munich. Some collegues had also been booked into the same hotel and came round to my room to invite me out. I did go out and we ended up going to a bar, drinking then going to a club until early hours. I had to go straight to work the next day stinking of booze, sweat and smelly socks (this was my first day on the job). I remember sitting at my desk and the stench drifting up from under the desk was unbearable. Later that night we went straight from work to someones rather posh house. It had wooden floors and the owner insisted the we take our shoes off as we entered the house, so cue sitting for half an hour with the other guys trying hard not to breathe and then someone eventually choking out..."erm, mind if I open a window" whilst looking disgusted at me. Never been so embarrassed. This continued for 6 months as we would frequently spend up to 3 nights on the trot without going home and actually changing clothes. The office really did stink with all these british well paid IT contractors getting smashed every night and forgetting about hygiene..I was the worse though :)

I can bet a few ex-websentric employees/contractors actually read this site and will remember this story :)
(scotsbloke, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:10, Reply)

Cinimod Dlamrow
That's all i'm going to say.... Any one in Exeter College around 1998 would know the legend!
( weekendsession, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:08, Reply)

My old man used to work for a housing association
which had a lot of council tenants. He was told by one of the maintenance guys that there was a heroin addict in one house who had phoned up complaininig of a blocked toilet. He went round the house and looked in the bathroom. Now the dirty fucker had blocked the bog and instead of phoning at that point, continued to use it till it was full to the brim with shit. Once that was full, he put the plug in the bath and used that as a toilet instead. Only when that was full to the brim did he phone to complain about his blocked toilet. They had to send in some gypsies to clean the place as the maintenance people refused. Apparently it was bubbling. What a dirty lazy cunt.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:07, Reply)

Personal Hygiene.... or Others' Personal Hygiene....
When I was a teenager, I had a part time job outside of school at a store called 'Best & Less'. They mainly sold budget Fashion for the whole family, & Manchester.

Often I would be placed on 'Change Room' supervision. Without failure, I would always end up with at least 2 or 3 customers in the 'Change Rooms' throughout the shift with REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD B.O.

What made it worse was that the B.O seemed to then attach itself to any fabric in the rooms, such as the cubicle curtains, and carpet. Then I'm sure it would mutate and spread throughout the entire room, and perpetually bury itself deeper and deeper into any fabric it could find.
(chickenbum YOU TRY BEING SPN'S WIFE!, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Privatised Dole Offices
One of my clients is doing the government's dirty work and trying to get dole scroungers into work.

They have to log all the "Client"'s "Barriers To Employment" - so quess what the initial options where? "Lazy" , "Scouser" and "Smelly Tramp"

Length - not quite as long as HMG New Speak Dictionary
(Biff..., Fri 23 Mar 2007, 11:54, Reply)

*gags*
Like your mum.
( The Baroness The Harlot Pimpernel, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 11:20, Reply)

Bike weekend grimness
As any regular reader will know, I'm a keen mountain biker and have spent many a weekend inder canvas roughing it by night and getting covered in mud (it's good for the skin) by day.

My first such trip was in the summer of 2003 when myself and three pals headed for the Peak District. Two of the three guys in question are builders while the third was very much the outdoorsy type. We'd found a campsite somewhere reasonably civilised near Edale and thus had access to showers and sanitation, all a huge plus.

We rolled up in the dying hours of daylight on the Friday and immediately set to work assembling tents for each of us. By the time everything was pitched we were a tad thirsty and headed off for beer at the local pub.

We'd probably overdone it to be honest and while not actually rat-arsed we were definitely on the way. As we slumped in our tents each of us became aware that a visit to the bathroom was necessary to ensure a comfortable and dry night's sleep.

The trek to the campsite loos was about three hundred yards in pitch darkness so I managed to scramble out of the tent in the pitch dark and stumbled over the other guys tents in search of a bush to bless.

"Gerroff you cahnt!" was the response as I tumbled into Phil's tent. I managed to get the task done and return to my tent without mishap.

Phil being a lazy bastard simply unzipped the tent flap, pointed the ol' boy downwind and let fly.

Nathan improvised by tipping the dregs of his bottle of coke away and refilling the empty container. The next morning we were greeted by what resembled two litres of apple juice sat outside his tent.

Marcus totally outdid himself. He didn't want to risk spillage, so he hung up a neon torch in his tent and carefully filled an empty bottle in the style of Nathan. However, unknown to him, the neon light shining through the fabric of his tent made a bizarre silhouette show has he guided knob to bottle with both hands.

Half the campsite must have witnessed this spectacle, the first poor Marcus knew was when people started shouting "Cold in there mate?"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 23 Mar 2007, 11:15, Reply)

china
If anyone has ever... used a latrine in the Peoples Republic of China, they too will know the meaning of pure unholy filth.

I couldnt shit for a week .......
(monkey_holding_peach, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 11:05, Reply)

lip up fatty
I have a real problem with people who are seriously overweight. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. I knew one kid at school who had severe health problems which caused him to be pretty obese which is a very sad story (plus the fact that his parents adopted him just so they could harvest his organs to give to their firstborn) but the rest of the fatties I've known are just whining lard-munchers whose idea of exercise is getting up to answer the door to the pizza delivery bloke.

One such whale was my old team leader by the name of Jo. Snotty cow, very childish, mordibly obese. When you came in the building you'd have to either go up 8 steps or down 8 steps to get the lift up to our floor - she always went down, usually clutching a bacon sandwich. Anyway, had a one-to-one with her in this meeting room the size of a toilet cubicle which had no windows or ventilation and the fat smell was overpowering - just that horrible, sickly sweet sweat smell (alliteration, woo!). Honestly, I was so busy trying to block it out that she could have handed me my P45 right there and I wouldn't have noticed.

Makes me sick just thinking about it to be honest...and I've known some proper smellies.

Sorry if any tubbies are offended by this...but be honest with yourselves, it's pretty much your own fault, isn't it? Why not get a bit of exercise, eat healthier food (and less of it), cut out the booze, see what happens? Who knows, you might even get a bit of sexy time with someone rather than sitting around in front of Battlestar Galactica, stuffing your face with babybels and feeling sorry for yourself.

Smelly fucking fat bastard fucks.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 11:01, Reply)

Pants
My boyfriend once wore the same pair of boxer shorts for 13 days in a row as a bet. (He was still at uni when behaviour like this is semi-acceptable.) He caught scabies though so despite winning the bet he was ultimately a loser, as were his parents who received an email with the ominous subject header "Scabies".
(Mad McMad, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 10:53, Reply)

i had someone wash my hands for me once
they decided i hadn't done it well enough
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 10:47, Reply)

Not mine but a story my dad told me
When he was first in the army (late 60s early 70s) there was one bloke who never washed...ever. Now Sqaddies aren't the kind of people to take someone aside and gently inform them that they stink and it's not doing anything for the moral of the group so, one early early morning that is was still dark, they dragged him from his bed, stripped all the clothes from him and threw him under the shower along with every type of cleaner they could think of...including ajax powder. Bloke was less than happy but from all accounts he got the message
( Roxy_Hart is so so old, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 10:44, Reply)

Smelly Jim
Jim smelled. Really badly.

He was in his forties, and worked in our IT department. Fortunately he sat at the other end of the office, but you could always tell when he was nearby by the fetid stink that preceded him, enveloping the entire office.

Beige trousers and sports jacket - permanently stinking and grimy from never being washed. Unwashed, lengthy, straggly hair. Teeth like tombstones.

You could always tell when Jim had had a bath - it was the talk of the office.

We were all going on a night out one Friday after work. A group of us headed down to the changing rooms to get showered and changed before the big night out.

Picture the scene. 7 or 8 guys, all just out of the shower (steady now). All smelling of nice fragrant shower gels, deodourants, and after shaves. All very nice.

Then smelly Jim enters the room. The air instantly turns foul. All our good work is undone! Blurgh.

Unbelievably, Jim then precedes to remove all of his smelly clothes, and enter the shower. Shock of shocks! Jim is bathing! Incredible!

However, he emerges from the shower, and then puts all of his smelly clobber back on! WTF?

Mrs Fister met me in the pub later on to give me a lift home. She spies Smelly Jim across the pub and says to me "What the fuck is that! Why does he only have half a tooth?"

"That's not half a tooth my sweet, it's just black and rotting, that's all"

"Barf. Let's get the hell out of here!"
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 23 Mar 2007, 10:44, Reply)

mine
my peronsal hygene is lax at best :D whereas now im meant to be smart for college, im wearing cumstained pants where my girlfriend jacked me off in the cinema yesterday (while skipping college :S)
(Evenflow, Fri 23 Mar 2007, 10:22, Reply)