lies. filthy stinking lies.
my lies. all of them!!

the following lies have all been on nights out in bars/clubs, therefore have all been pretty beleivable)

they include, "i cant stay out too late tonight, gotta dress up as santas elf tomorow and give the kids at the hospice their christmas presents. it costs us a fortune, but the smiles on their little faces, its worth it" (awwww, your so sweet, bouncybouncy)

i'm a survelianece operative for police/spy chain/fbi/mi6 whatever, thats all i can tell you about my job really. (garunteed shag)

i dont do one-night stands, i always end up getting hurt (this ones a right winner, as they will show you ON THE NIGHT that they wont use you,they hang around for more in the morning for fear of hurting you)

i run my own business

i love poetry, if i read it for half an hour a day i feel it makes me more relaxed

i know a lot about wine (difficult trying to act cultured when your clearly not)

and, i'm single. my biggest lie.

i'm going straight to hell....................
(mr kyle he's a silly bastard, the one who posted before me, Sat 14 Apr 2007, 12:23, Reply)

Told them I loved them.
Ha!
(stock of temples (while stocks last), Sat 14 Apr 2007, 11:23, Reply)

It was a combined effort...
At the ripe old age of 17 my best mate and I decided it was time I finally lost my cherry so we started checking out likely suspects in the neighbourhood.
Eventually, we discovered the girl who worked the late shift in the local service station was not completely repulsed by the idea, but had a (older, possessive) boyfriend and didn't think it was a good idea to run around behind his back.
"Bollocks!" cries the mate, "I'll take care of that!"
So a few weeks later we're at a party, the girl is giving me the eye and my mate takes the plunge. He walks up to her boyfriend and asks him to tell him all about the one subject everyone has ever avoided discussing with him.
Delighted, the boyfriend accepts, drags my mate off to a quiet corner and proceeds to bore/scare the hell out of him.
In the meantime I nip off to the bathroom with his girl and ... about a minute later, emerge a MAN!
Oh yeah, I hear you say, so bloody what? That's not very daring is it?
Here's the question my mate asked to get the boyfriend out of the way:
"So after you were booted out of the SAS you had a pretty bad trot for a while and I know you ended up in jail for multiple assaults, what was it like?"

My mate, by the way, appears to have enjoyed his brush with death and now makes a very nice living working with high explosives at a uranium mine in remote Australia.
I suppose once you've distracted a psycho so a friend can shag his missus, anything else is a doddle.
( difficultchild, Sat 14 Apr 2007, 1:01, Reply)

All the way to Dublin
To stay with this girl I met at the end of her first uni year, only to find out a few hours after landing that she had got back with her old boyfriend. So I had to endure the rest of the holiday seeing them canoodle.

AND I went round an Ex girlfriends house to claim back a purple Levi jacket in order to give to her. Cow. Although I did end up sleeping with her mate so it wasn't all bad.

I think I've ended up answering a different question.
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Sat 14 Apr 2007, 0:22, Reply)

Jemima
I met this one bird last year just passing through the town. I remember it like it was yesterday - I'd just walked over the bridge, and my fucking shopping bag ripped. I'd only gone out for a loaf of bread, a few pints of milk, some butter and some cheese. It went everywhere, the bread bag ripping (it was one of those paper ones from the bakers - I'd just chucked it in the bag with the other stuff for the supermarket), smearing gravel up what was going to be part of my tea. Anyway, she just sort of crept up slowly and nudged it towards me. I smiled at her, got up, pulled my stuff together, had a bit of a chat with her, y'know, gave her my name and stuff, and went off.

Over the next few weeks, we began to see each other more often. She was really shy at first, but over time she got more adventurous. We decided to meet up every day, so I'd come and meet her at the bridge, we'd have a chat, maybe sit down on the bench and have a sandwich together (I always brought one and she shared with me). Throughout our chats, I discovered her name was Jemima. She was a real lover of nature - one day when she was a kid, she just got adventurous and started going out on long walks, and now, years later, she was out all the time. She was exceptionally fit, and fittingly, was a shade of brown all the time.

As the months moved by, we grew a lot closer, but the oddities started to come out. She wouldn't eat many things, and it took a lot of coaxing into getting her to try new stuff. For example, a lot of meats she simply hadn't tried for some reason beyond me, but she got into it eventually. I also started to notice she always seemed to wear these orange shoes. At first I didn't pay much attention to it, but come rain or shine, she always wore those shoes. It suited her, I'll admit, but orange? That's a bit crazy.

Anyway, here's where it ties together. Because, after meeting up with her everyday for about 4 months, nothing really happened. I dropped hint after hint after hint that I wanted to be with her, paying her compliments, sheltering her when it rained, she didn't seem to get the message. Finally, I confronted her about it, and got told she sort of liked me, but wasn't what she'd normally go for! So, what did I do? Like any man looking for some action from some fit bird, I told her I'd change.

And I did. I started doing all these mad things to get her to like me. I started to dress like her, in browns and blacks. I started wearing nutty orange shoes. I started hanging out with her a lot more, mimicking her with my body language to get her to notice me. I even painted my head green, because she said she liked that kind of thing! She got me to do crazy stuff, like go asking people for food, yelling at kids that came past, pissing around in the lake we used to sit by. Fucking hell, I was absolutely mental to be doing all this stuff for her, I could've got arrested. But then it finally all paid off after 5 months of knowing her!

And there was another bonus to the story, too! I finally understand what people mean when they say 'as tight as a duck's arse' now.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 23:00, Reply)

Personalised Car Reg
I thought it would be a good idea to get a girl I knew a personalised number plate. I was sure she'd be over moon but it turns out she wasn't too keen on driving round with CHU88Y.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 22:38, Reply)

Rohypnol
That's pretty mad.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 22:24, Reply)

A friend and a small furry animal.
A friend of mine has a rather high sex drive – all men say they have this – but in my own and some of my friends’ experience this is not true….


So she and her boyfriend were going through some problems at the time, she wanted an early night with him, but he wanted to watch the football – despite not being a football fan.

She got all friendly on the sofa with him…no response…She tells him she’s off to bed and she’ll get started before him if he doesn’t join her soon…..Still no response.


She goes up to her room, gets out her friendly Rabbit and as promised, gets started without him….

Now you would think that most men when entering a bedroom and discovering an attractive woman enjoying herself with one of the best battery powered toys money can buy, they would enjoy the show and perhaps join in too….

No.

He gets into bed and just before he turns over he says to her, “You going to be much longer because I want to go to sleep”


They split up not long after that. She has a better relationship with the Rabbit.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 22:04, Reply)

Not me, but a relation, married,
was having an affair with a woman who lived about a hundred miles away.

He used to book a day off work and pop over to see her on his motorbike. He'd belt down the motorway at breakneck speed, have a shag, gulp down a snack and shoot back home in time to appear at teatime as normal.

One time, concentrating hard on the outward journey, he heard a strange buzzing sound, and glancing up, he saw a police helicopter not far above his head, travelling sideways, barely keeping up with him.

He reckons he was doing 125mph, and didn't dare slow down in case they clocked him.

She moved up here in the end - probably safer all round.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 21:01, Reply)

VODKA™
The choice of champions. And desperate folk.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:32, Reply)

I
cried.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:29, Reply)

Squealing Rubber
"Come on! Lay some rubber down!" she said. Apparently she liked men who squealed out of parking lots with their big pickup trucks, but I had just a little VW Bug.

Love - the aroma of burning clutch plate....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:22, Reply)

My ex
I think she might have been getting me drunk so she could have me. I, of course in 18-year-old nerdy virgin fashion was oblivious to her advances. One night before we were going out, she bought me 13 pints until I was embarrassingly drunk, vomiting in the pub toilet and calling her a bitch each time she bought me ANOTHER drink. Eventually I had to be walked home by a mate of mine.

Lost my virginity to her eventually on one day when we were sober :)
(I have a face also had a sig on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:19, Reply)

Invited her booze shy friend along
1991, my pal Gary's 18th Birthday do at his parents farm. A lass I'd been seeing a slightly older girl called Mandy was coming along as my official guest and expressing a degree of subtlety of the "runaway shitwagon" variety promised me the mother of all trysts, but the opportunity never presented itself, despite frequent Mandy teasing.

Now this time was a bit of a low point having recently been unceremoniously dumped by the lovely flaxen haired Teuton, so my damaged ego was being massaged by the distinctly Moll Flanders-esque Mandy who promised to massage even more than that.

Anyway, cue party day and Randy Mandy asks if she can bring her pal Maddy along. Maddy was a lovely lass, but burdened with red corkscrew curls and no alcohol tolerance whatsoever. Maddy was hoping to get into the shorts of one of the partygoers so in her devious and typically female way Mandy had planned everything...

By 9pm I'm nicely buzzing post beers while Randy Mandy is nibbling my ear and whispering a goodly amount of filth in it. By 9:30pm the filth has degraded somewhat, but unfortunately so has Maddy who is looking slightly green.

By 10pm when I should have been boffing like the hormonally challenged 17 year old I was, Maddy was unconscious with an ambulance en route. I mean, by 10:01:30 she would have had ample time to stop Maddy choking on her own vomit!?

I watched the ambulance disappear with both Maddy and Mandy in it, blues and twos going off into the distance. As the doppler effect of the sirens faded I could hear the groans of the shaggers ensconced in a nearby hayloft as I stood there forlornly caressing the smooth curves of my pint glass, evidently not the lady with whom I'd arrived.

Had I then been familiar with the term, I believe the epithet I would have so eloquently uttered would have been "Fucksocks".
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 13 Apr 2007, 20:10, Reply)

I think every man here
must have used "the prod technique", whereby you are in bed with a girl and she has fallen asleep and you are lying there awake with a stonk-on. Roll over and prod in back/hips until said woman at very least wanks you off. Guarenteed winner!
( currantbun is nubtnarruc backwards, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:58, Reply)

a girl once tried
to get me hopelessly drunk and have her way with me at a party when i was 17 she failed because she ended up drinking herself into unconsciousness.

i had an idea of what she was up to early on in the evening mostly because she was not very subtle as she constantly poured vodka into what ever i was drinking out of and after a roughly half an hour spent with our tongues down each others throats (and me thinking it was my lucky night) she started taking a turn for the worse having trouble standing up straight or walking in a straight line and soon passes out on the floor of the living room

i spent the rest of the evening watching her throw up until her mother came to pick her up (she was 16) got screamed at by aforementioned angry parent as she threatened to call the police since everybody at the party was under 18 and ended up sleeping in the attic (just in case the police came) with all the other party goers after a quick tidy up

to top it off i didnt notice her vomit on my shirt while i was drunk and i had to get home the next day on public transport without a change of clothes

worst part? she didnt remember any of that evening so there was no chance of a second try
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:35, Reply)

Impress women
In order to impress a woman, I* told her I coined the phrase "Pardon my French".

*Not me, George Costanza actually
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:16, Reply)

In response to that
When I told my future boyfriend that I was (being forced to) watch(ing) The Notebook, he immediately agreed to sex.

That's screwed up, that is.
(LandmineCat 's board sig, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:15, Reply)

I was in a new relationship and the girl promised me she'd finally have sex with me
if I watched "The Notebook."




Even though that movie probably made my manhood drop off my body in disgust anyway, I was not granted said sex; we broke it off a couple months later, after eight months of blue balls.




What a shit movie.
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:14, Reply)

I've never 'ad to do fings to get wimmin to 'ave sex with me
my skinny trousers, fancy cloves, and use of hairspray are va best aphr... aphro... fings vat wimmin like.
I've had sex wiv two faahsand wimmin! (Mind you, vat is countin' va ones who were dead or unconscious at va time...) I'm so great I even got me own TV channew! I'ss Channew Four in the UK! Watch it, i'ss weww coow!

An' if you click 'I Like Vis', it'll make me well'ard and touw'ally up for it!!!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:02, Reply)

Or rather, what he did...
I met a (somewhat pathetic) young man who, after some outings with mutual friends, decided to lock his target on me. Now I'm not a totally heartless bitch, so I let him down gently, mumbling some nonsense about not wanting a relationship or anything like it at the time (utter bullshit, but his personal hygiene left much to be desired - but that's for another QOTW).

Not taking no for an answer, there were the roses, chocolates, hopeless poems and little teddy bears that started turning up.
When he realised they weren't working, he decided the best way to catch my eye was to just keep "turning up" where ever I happened to be. Fine, we'd bump into each other at a club. But in the lingerie section of a department store? Yeah, a little odd.
Then phone calls at all hours, throwing rocks at my house...

Needless to say, he had blue balls for a loooong time.


But what have I done?
"So, how about a fuck then?"

Score.
(is0lati0n, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 19:01, Reply)

Not me
but a guy who fancied me invited me out one night by saying "we're going to a movie tonight, it's free and if you dont reply then I'll just turn up anyway" as I had a bad habbit of ignoring the strange boy and his 6 emails a day. He organised parties just so he'd have an excuse to invite me over and I'd ALWAYS have plans on those nights. He even showed up at my flat and played nintendo with my flatmates all night in order to impress me.

So later when he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, i politely declined saying that I didnt want to date anyone.
I just dont understand why he got so pissed off when a week later I started dating his friend and am still doing so.


length? girth? I'd rather have a guy with a vibrating nut sack.
(kitnel it's probaby infectious, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 18:51, Reply)

I let her buy me beer
lots of beer, then felt obliged to sleep with her, this happend two weekends on the trot, i decided it had to stop or it may turn into some wierd sort of relationship. Free Beer I'm all for but I am not a tart.

_{well ok I am.}
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Fri 13 Apr 2007, 18:47, Reply)

There would be 2 humiliating stories...
The first being this.
Hoorah! I be 17 at the time, you know, the time of your life where you think getting served for alcohol makes you a man, etc kinda bullcrap. Anywho, there was a girl who I absolutely infactuated with completely, and couldn't get her off my mind. For months, and months I spent chasing this girl. The stupid things i did just trying to get close to her. Being in the same place as her, paying for all kinds of crap, enduring shit movies with her and her friends. OMG, when I look back, it really was the worst time of my life. Needless to say, no of it was worthwhile, and she just fucked off with someone else regardless.

The second one was another infactuation, so this makes me double the idiot. 19 this time, and it was a lass at work. She was really beautiful, and yes, you definitely would. Anyway, I had mentioned to my mate who I was working with that I was gonna make a move on the impending work night out. Great, I thought, nowt could go work.

Famous last words...

The staff night out rolled round, and thought i'd have mehself a little dutch courage, but during this time, to my shock and disbelief, my mate was necking on with this lass. Teh bastardness!!!
That night, with growing anger, and the increasing levels of alcohol in my system, I just snapped, and hunted out my mate in the club we were in, and just decided to lay in to him with all I had.
Further, later in to that night, I found I had broken my middle finger on my right hand from punching the lad with such force.

And thusly, that is the stupidest thingy I've ever done.

Goodnight and dogbless!
(ShaunyBoi has been surviving fires since, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 18:33, Reply)

deflowered
having reached 18 and still not made the home run i decided desperate measures were needed. lo and behold i stared dating the next minger that came along and 3 months later pop goes the cherry! if it wasnt for the fact that i fancied her mum i might still be a virgin.

i was made to pay for this however as it then took me 14 months to get rid of the psycho. she even followed me to the university i went to a year after i ran away from her.
(babyjak, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 18:18, Reply)

The girl lives 60 miles away
which isn't that far, although she doesn't drive, so the emphasis is on me. Absolutely lovely, nicest most innocent person you'd ever want to meet, stunningly good looking and unlike 98% of fit birds, she doesn't even know it. She lives with her folks, any "personal" time together was really rather hard to come by.

I spend 18/ 19 months driving up & down A roads, I take her out to dinner, I spend hours listening to her whining about nothings, I put up with her weird friends... It takes forever to even be holding hands, and then *at last* a kiss. A very good one too. This develops, but nothing more.

Determination into overload, almost daily I drive 120 miles, the phone bill becomes extortionate, and finally, she wants to come and see me.

"Re-sult" I'm, thinking, "the end is nigh".

Alas no. She came to confess she was pregnant, and there are at least 3, possibly 4 candidates for Daddy. Only 2 of whom's names are known...
(Waisted Fred I say who Sir, you Sir?, Fri 13 Apr 2007, 17:43, Reply)