18 years for a few extra shags
I agreed to have a baby in order to get more action from the missus.

I expected at least 6 months of frantic banging before anything happend. Only took 2 goes.

Damn my fertile loins.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 16:51, Reply)

One more 'lowering of standards' story.
I work at a certain monstrous chain store (I believe it rhymes with 'al fresco') and a regular customer of mine was a rather attractive young lady.

She'd pop in when I was on a shift and we'd chat away- I started to become rather enamored with the poor girl.

One day, she came in and mentioned she'd broken up with her boyfriend.

'I'm sorry to hear that', I said, dancing an internal jig.

She mentioned she'd be at a certain club on Sunday night.

'See you there!' she said.

So I went along.

She came in, we chatted.

'I'm off for a cigarette, coming?'

I don't smoke.

As I lit the Marlboro Light, she told me (a guy she barely knows) that it hadn't been a great week. She'd been dumped and then tried to do herself in by taking a bottle of aspirin.

*alarm bells*

We went back in, I drank, we danced, I went home.

She sent me a text later asking me out to dinner during the week.

We went out to dinner.

I'll cut to the highlights of her conversation.

'You know, I was paid for sex once.'
'I like boys to buy me things.'
'I don't mind Pink Floyd, but I get tired of his music after a while.'
'Well... I like all sorts of music, but my absolute favourite band of all time is Nickelback.'

She decided that we were going back to mine. God bless my flatmate, he'd cooked a manky fish curry and the flat smelled so bad that she got a bit ill and decided to leave fairly sharpish.

So, in summary, I am too much of a snob to shag a Nickelback fan.

However, desperate times call for desperate measures. Click 'I like this' if you think I should try anyway ;)
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 16:34, Reply)

So many things, it's shameful
* Laughed at crap jokes
* Pretended to care about stories involving ex-boyfriends who 'didn't care'
* Nodded and feigned sympathy to show sensitive side while hearing about recently-dead dog for the 45th time in the past hour, secretly thinking "I wonder what she'd look like with no clothes on"
* Said: "I don't mind, I'll pay"
* Showed interest in Billy Joel album
* Sat through all of 'Beaches' without killing self
* Said: "Oh yes, low-fat foods, they're just as nice aren't they?"
* Ignored moustache
* Went on horrendous 2-week caravan holiday in Devon, involving sleeping next to disgusting pipe-smoking father, a notorious light sleeper with a cruel streak for minorities
* Held in farts
* Said: "Oh, I don't like to drink that much, you know, it's not really 'me'"

And most of it worked rather well.
(budddwyer This thing will hurt someone, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 16:32, Reply)

Am I bad?
So getting hot and heavy under the covers at a friends house with a girl I met 10 minutes ago at the party downstairs.
Never met her before (or since) and as it was the 80's... we're heading to shagtown!

Suddenly!

"Do you have a condom?" she asks
Frozen with what can only be described as cock-softening fear I replied... "of course!" LIES!!!!
"Um... let me just... aha... ok ready to go" I say pretending to fiddle with the non-existent latex.

Was a fantastic shag though... kind of one of those fear ones that go by too quickly but was very exiting! (like a rape I presume).

Anyway, had to... 'release'... in my hand as I'm not a bad guy.

Although I did wipe it on the back of her coat on the way out. Ahahahahahaha
(Crash0ng does not recognise your line., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 16:00, Reply)

I go for old people
They're an insatiable bunch (and give fantastic head when they take out their false teeth!) and they're generally an undervalued bunch so it's a surefire hit. No, really give it a go.

Sometimes they say no, and me being me I can't take no for an answer. So I change their dosage until they die from it, and then nail the old wenches. It never fails!

Signed,
Harold Shipman MD.
(mmmkay, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 15:54, Reply)

When I wanted this girl to sleep with me...
All I had to do was be her boyfriend. I've been shagging her for two years now, and sex on tap is great and all, but I wish I'd have stuck with my hand. Women are bloody expensive pieces of work.
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 15:35, Reply)

2 Girls snogging - whooooo!
During the summer holidays when I was about 15 my best mate and I took a trek down to Yoevil to see these 2 hot girls who went to the school near ours. After a while talk turned to sex and all the things we had and hadn't done with the opposite sex.

My mate asked if they had ever had a lesbian experience.

The girls challenged us and said that if we snogged each other "man-love" style that they would do the same...

That day I ended up snogging my best mate with true feeling and passion all because the girls said they would snog each other if we did!

Did the girls snog each other? Yes. Was it good to watch? Yes!! Was it worth putting my tongue in my best mates mouth? In hindsight, probably not. At least it was pre-stuble days!!
(aroe_m0rre, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 15:24, Reply)

Roofies, anyone?
Yes I know this has been done, but I thought of it myself, and don't really have any stories of my own to tell here.
(peterlynch, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:48, Reply)

Not so much mad – just a pain in the arse really.
To get this one girl to have sex with me I had to:

- Learn how to use ridiculous and irritating text speak.
- Pretend I was a huge fan of Avril Lavigne.
- Lie about my age.
- Act as if I was a lot stupider than I really am.
- Pretend I hated my parents (I really don’t – we have a great relationship).
- Watch Hollyoaks every single day, even though I can’t stand it, just so we’d have something to talk about.
- Send photos of someone else just so she’d agree to meet up with me.
- Arrange to meet up in secret because I knew other people might not approve.
- Stifle her screams of terror.


It was defintiely worth it though. :)
(BIV was recently envatted., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:34, Reply)

Sarah - For that is nothing like her name.
We will call her Sarah, to protect her innocence (or lack of)

Met on a week long university summer school (at Notts Uni) whilst still at 6th form - aged 17. There were different courses in different faculties. I was doing Engineering (God knows why, I now work in IT), she was doing Law or some shite.

Anyway, I had decided to be a player all week and had already had naked altercations with another girl on the course. This other girl and I had just got out of bed and were going to get on a bus to the cinema, where I sat next to "Sarah" (it was the only free seat - honest!)

After completely ripping the shit out of her brummie accent for hours, one thing led to another and we had a kiss and a cuddle that night, but then I had to leave as I was going on Holiday (gutted).

Somehow there was some promise of intercourse when she was 21 as she wanted to keep her numbers down due to some bollox about how many people you were allowed to sleep with before you were 20?!?!!!

She came to visit me 4 or 5 times that year in Nottingham and we would go out and get drunk in the sun and then she would catch the train back. We then drifted apart a bit as uni came round for both of us.

So, 4 years later, still in contact, decide I want to cash my bond! Numberous trips to Birmingham and back in my car, staying over, flowers, meals, nights out, we might as well had been a couple.

Still not even a sniff.

She is seeing someone else now.

My friends have started asking which Girl is coming over for a snooze, for I now have a reputation of bringing home lovely ladies, offering them a warm bed and breakfast in the morning, and doing nothing more that having a sleep.

What is happening to me???? Im 22 ffs!!

Gaz me with guidance, oh superior b3tans
(stevio is on the prowl for a girlfriend!, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:10, Reply)

seriously
lowered my standards.
(BIV was recently envatted., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:09, Reply)

Slightly camp….
I had to become REALLY good at tying and untying knots. Not for anything particularly kinky, but I needed another badge to get to go to camp. Cub Scouts = sex on tap, weather you want it or not.
(Jeeves, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 14:07, Reply)

Well
I've met a lot of lovely ladies in my time but I can't recall ever having the urge to poke a Toblerone (or indeed any other type of confectionery) into said lady's bottom.

Am I normal?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 16 Apr 2007, 13:44, Reply)

wasting everybody's time...
I recently met a woman at my local supermarket. Well... when I say "met", what I really mean is 'bought' and I suppose a more appropriate word than 'woman' would be 'pineapple'. But I stand by the use of the word 'supermarket' I'm quite happy with that particular choice thank you very much.

Anyone want some pineapple?
(Andrew Avetoom, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 13:30, Reply)

Women are hores.
I tried being pleasent to a girl all night and , predictably, got nowhere. So I began to ignore her and when she started to chat again I lost all repect for her. Deciding that being a total prick was what she deserved I looked her in the eye declaring "Look - I'm done with fucking about. Why don't you let me push a mars bar up you"
Amazingly she got up in silence and I led her to my room. I did the deed and then - because I was feeling invincible I made her bend over while I quickly pushed a small toblerone up her bumhole. She shrieked and ran from the room.......leaving half a triangular chocolate bar in my hand.
(Jumper, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 12:57, Reply)

Not so easy
It's not always the case that women find it easier to get laid than men. There's a lass who fancies me and she's plaguing me with texts, but I'm not interested. At all. Now I could get some guaranteed (and much needed) sex here, but no way. Doesn't float my boat at all. So she's not getting any from me. That's almost gentlemanly, me not just using her for a quick shag, but the truth is that I think that if I did the deed once, I'd find her harder to get rid of than malaria.

Her sister's nice though. And single.

Unfortunately, that's where it ends, because her sister doesn't fancy me.

None of us are getting any at the moment. Something's wrong here.

Yours wretchedly,
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 12:27, Reply)

Little head always wins...
i drove to Norwich. From Newcastle. chuffin miles
(TheManofScience, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 12:01, Reply)

I'll let you into a little secret.
You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, bleaching, conditioning, straightening, exfoliating, moisturising, tanning, trimming, spraying, perfuming, painting, possibly surgically enhancing and expensively clothing every inch of her body – just to get your attention.

(This isn’t a special one-off effort, mind, but hours of dedicated upkeep every week - just to stave off the inevitable back-slide into Godzilla-dom.)

What effort did you put in? Slap on some Lynx? Get your mum to iron your Fred Perry shirt, did you? Wow.

And you think SHE’S the one with all the power????

Don't make me laugh.


(Sorry for bitterness, but all the women on the board saying 'we only have to ask, tee hee' are making me VERY ANGRY. Piss off and stop giving everyone a complex. Click 'I Like This' if you agree...)
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Maaaan
This girl I know said she's sleep with anyone on spec. if they could recite The Jabberwocky off by heart, so I learnt it -- not easy -- and said it to her.

Of course she didn't remember ever saying it. WOMEN!
( Micro Prawnvica, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 11:23, Reply)

Drank cherry wine
I danced, I partied all night, I even drank cherry wine but apparently I didn’t show any class and ultimately I moved too fast.

It was then that Jermaine Stewart told me we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time, oh no.

Na na na na na na na............
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 10:51, Reply)

A story to make you shed tears of disappointment with the Hero
I have a very good friend, let's call him Ted, for that is not his name, and try as he might he singularly fails to persuade anyone to have sex with him despite his crazy outlandish plans. He puts more effort into them than Wile E. Coyote put into nailing Roadrunner.
These plans have included:
1) Becoming Treasurer of the JCR in order to get to meet girls, hoping that the position of power would entice them into 'checking his accounts'
2) Having the photos taken when people came to the uni for the first time placed outside his room so all the "fit fresher girls" have to come to his room in order to find them. One girl was particularly singled out, and he hardly bathed or slept in case she came when he was in bed or in the shower. When she came, he was in the shower. He screamed.
3) Having massive parties in his room hoping that his natural 'charm' and 'wit' will entice the ladies into riding him like the mangy stallion he is
4) Deciding when the Wii came out that having one would attract girls to his room. So he spent upwards of £400 on eBay to get one and managed only to attract the girls he was already friends with (who of course are all taken)
5) When there was a JCR election, he did a 6-hour stint at the polling booths in order to meet the fresher girls and impress them with his wit and knowledge of their names (obtained by memorising the aforementioned photographs)
Of course, none of these have been successful. He told us when he'd last had sex, so I worked out when it would be 500 days since he last got nuts deep in someone's guts, and being the good friend I am, told all mutual friends.
On the day, we Nimble Colin'd him.
600 days is on April 23rd. If you have an idea as to how we can celebrate this GAZ me and if it's good I will work it into a subsequent QOTW. I want to make it a big thing.
( Dave the Mighty, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 10:47, Reply)

BO!
I met a girl on monday.
We went for a drink on the Tuesday.
By wednesday I was in her pants.
The dirty nymph wanted it all week as well.

I had to take sunday off though as my old fella was raw.

I love teh slags me.

Signed,
Craig.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Getting married for sex ...
... is like buying a 747 for the complementary peanuts.

I wish some f**ker had told me this before I did. Then she went Ryanair on me and was too tired and just wanted to cuddle. She didn't like it when I started flying with other carriers!

Length - don't care so long as there is enough leg room.
(Biff..., Mon 16 Apr 2007, 9:47, Reply)

Unless you're gay...
...because whilst relationships are just as complicated for us as anyone else, sometimes more so, getting laid is the easiest thing in the world. It's almost our way of saying 'hello'. To one another, at least.

Thing is, I never had much of a problem with girls either when I was still unaware of my preference for blokes - I must have inadvertently fulfilled Fothermucker's criteria (which are spot-on, if memory serves lol). More likely it's because I never really worry/worried about sex - it's fun, granted, but it's not the only fun you can have.

That said, I remember one girl that I was pursuing in my late teens saying 'Just because I don't want to be an item, it doesn't mean I don't want to get off with you' - I figured at the time that you couldn't say fairer than that :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 9:38, Reply)

Hmm
Fothermucker - So, we need to be psychic then?

Or be a complete b*stard.

Damn!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 9:30, Reply)

According to my research
Women will sleep with you if:

You are handsome but not too handsome
You have a good sense of humour but are also a little moody
You have some experience but not too much
You are well-dressed but not vain
You listen to their problems like a friend but are simultaneously a little distant
You are attentive but not slavish
You are sexually profiicient but not perverse or demanding
You have a social life but prefer her to your friends
You have a job but always make time for her
You like her friends but don't fancy them
In short, that you are what she wants, when she wants it, to the degree she expects, and are able to automatically know her desires before she does.

Is that all? No - but it's a start.
(Fothermucker, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 9:27, Reply)

Wrestling
Now i'm a 24yr old lad who watched his fair share of WWF when I was 10 but going back 6 years now and I was dating this lass who loved it - so much so she use to try and wrestle me! now I know what your thinkin I must have been dating Big Daddy but nope she was a size 8 and not very strong...

... So to get laid I had to watch alot of cheesy WWF :(
(wilsonian, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 8:08, Reply)

Oh God
I fucking hate this, mostly because I know people who read these, but meh

Just this past weekend, a good old friend of mine came from another part of austria to visit me. We went out Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to do different things: go to the Irish pub, show her a good romantic part of vienna, went to the cinema (admittedly, we saw "Fantastic Movie", which is a crock of shit, don't watch it. Ever) went on a fucking cycling tour... Had loads of "talking sessions"...

She's one of the only people I've only ever been completely honest to, and I even know she likes me.

and I still fail.
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 7:45, Reply)

Quite the opposite, but I love telling this story
Years ago I was sitting in a pub with my mate Derek, we were playing a game whereby you shake all your change up, then stack it and try to guess whether the next one down is heads or tails. If you're right, you keep the coin and go again... and so on until the stack is done.
Whoever has the most coins wins and the loser has to buy the round of drinks.
As we were playing, Derek noticed a rather fetching girl watching.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello," she replied, "what are you doing?"
"We're playing a game whereby you shake all your change up, then stack it and try to guess whether the next one down is heads or tails," he replied.
"If you're right, you keep the coin and go again... and so on until the stack is done. Whoever has the most coins wins and the loser has to buy the round of drinks."
"That sounds like fun," she said.
"Do you wanna go?" he asked.
"Um.. OK," she said, picking up her bag and jacket and walking to the door.
Derek sat there for about five seconds before he realised she'd heard "do you want to go" instead of "do you want a go".
He shrugged, drained his beer, then walked out the door with her.
And yes, apparently she was an excellent shag.
He STILL has no explanation for this utterly random act of good fortune.
( difficultchild, Mon 16 Apr 2007, 7:30, Reply)