This year
I'm going to give my nephews and nieces radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their glowing little faeces.....
(vinny, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:52, 3 replies)

In which complaints and a half-baked moral
Due to my mum's total inability to subsume her own distinctive taste to that of the person she is buying a gift for, I had many rubbish presents growing up. These days, Mnemonic Minor specify in detail something we would like (for me: nice wooly hat and a breadmaker please), although she complains that it 'takes the fun out of it.'

It's a really awful feeling when someone close to you gets you something you don't like. Guilt mixed with disappointment mixed with slight hurt that they don't know you better than that. Last year, my mum got me a beautiful hardback well-presented copy of...Winnie the Pooh. Now. Books are generally my thing, but even as a child, I absolutely hated Winnie the Pooh (whiny, compulsive-over-eating, retarded little shite). I neither owned nor aspired to own any of those books, and besides which there is something wrong with any (semi) grown woman wanting that kind of twee, naff kiddy stuff. And she'd spent about twenty quid (twenty bloody quid!!) on this crappy book. I could have got four books I actually wanted for that, and there was no way of returning it. For some reason, the whole thing made me really upset. I think it was possibly the culmination of years of presents which no thought had been put into, coupled with the waste, coupled with the fact that she got angry with me for not liking it and refused to speak to me all morning.

I realise this might make me sound like a spoiled brat. I don't think that's the case, though. In comparison, I'd searched half the shops in Edinburgh for a specific fountain pen she wanted, hand-made her a necklace, got her a couple of books and made an absolutely enormous stained-glass panel that took about a month of evenings to create. I'd been determined I wasn't going to let the fact I was on minimum wage affect what I could give my family. Ach, I don't know. It's just that if you're worrying/panicking about what to get your nearest and dearest for Christmas, then just listen to them, and for my money anyway, it really, really is the thought that counts.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:42, 2 replies)

We did secret santa at Uni with a £10 max spend

And my housemate M who always liked to wind people up had to buy S a present.

Come the fatefull day he handed over a rather large and heavy package, S genuinly thought he'd done something nice for once.

Alas when she ripped it open she found a log. With a cheque for £10 stapled to it. A cheque dated 25th December 2083
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:38, Reply)

This FTW
www.amazon.co.uk/Worlds-Greatest-Paper-Airplane-Book/dp/0830628460/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259321428&sr=1-1

Got it for my nephew when he was younger and he absolutely loved it. Best value present in ages. He and his pals would make a little air force and dive bomb people from the top of the stairs. Ace.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:33, 1 reply)

Gifty time
Giving is better than receiving and I love love love giving gifts. But this year I am torn. Money and my presents at present time are going to be a problem this year.

I have always prided myself for being quite good at gifties. I use a simple strategy – Think about the person, think what kind of things they like then buy something like that. For example my younger brother likes gaming – buy him a game or should I say I am a bit soppy last year I bought him a selection of the newest releases for the Xbox 360 I have just bought him. My sister amongst other things she likes clothes get her a load of vouchers, CD’s and a printer for her computer. My mother likes handbags; buy her something very expensive to keep her purse, fags and lighter in and some vouchers for shoes to go with new handbag.

However, Mr Freepens and I are going to visit his family this year, this will be the first time I will have met his family. So, this has meant paying for some very expensive flights (easyjet are b@st@rds) and we were sadly lacking of one. So, we got a new camera too. As a result, this has left me (more than him) skint.

So, this year Mr Freepens is getting the gift of love. My brother playing cards, my sister some socks or tights (I haven’t made my mind up yet), my mother a Tesco bag for life.

Mr Freepens family – a selection of typically stuff – a box of biscuits, a bottle of whisky and bath stuff.

And what do I want? For the first time in my life I want for nothing I am happy with all I have - I love my family, I love my man and I look forward to meeting my new extended family.

I’m hoping a jolly fat man or three kings will be popping round to make up for the fact I have spent all my money on myself!
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:28, 3 replies)

I'm not the best at buying gifts
For this year's Secret Santa,I have to buy a present for a girl in accounts who is anemic - so she’s going to be getting a bottle of fake tan. Last year I got the office lesbian, and my thoughtful present was a small rug with a pair of fake teeth clamped tightly to it – this didn’t go down too well (unlike her, most probably).

My best mate bought me a DVD last year, but he kept it after I had given him his present of a bag of out of date radishes and some Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle body transfers. My excuse that he ‘was hard to buy for’ was laughed off.

I’ve still got the belly button tag (complete with scabby remains) from the recent acquisition to my household – I’m just wondering who I should send it to…
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:13, Reply)

on the cheap
cause im skint, ive had to plan ahead and put some thought in this year.

ma: L plates. shes had a provisional for over 30 years but has never had a lesson, so im going to teach her myself. ive got 3 months, then for her birthday in march shes getting an intensive course with a test at the end, just to polish off any of my bad habbits i pass on.

pa: tickets for the eurostar, me and he are going to drive to the nurburgring and do some flying laps (ma's not driving, see above).

bro: i struggled here, but im betting on a job lot of old broken computers and a screwdriver set. he likes to tinker, see. while i spent a grand or so on my machine, he buys things from the 80's for £1 or less and rebuilds them for fun.

lass: we dont buy gifts, we arrange special things for each other. since she likes the old truth/dare ive set up something unique im not going to mention here. but i know what pushes her buttons and this is a cracker.

mate: he likes the nature channels and also pro wrestling (spandex and sweaty oiled men, whatever floats your boat i guess) so instead of some half assed dvd's ive gone for 2 little ant farms, one for each of us. the plan is to raise seperate colonies then meet up and pit them against each other over a sugar cube or something like that. whether a fight breaks out or they simply start up rival construction companies to see who can get it home first, either way it should be fun to watch.
(nobloodinthealcoholstream, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:08, 1 reply)

Not this coming Christmas, coz Mum is now a Buddhist!
She had a rather gross boyfriend a while back and insisted on telling my sister and I some rather personal things that we did not need to hear.

So for Christmas she got

A game of Twister and a bottle of baby oil!

The horror on my sisters face when I told her...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 11:04, 2 replies)

I must be getting old
Amongst other things, my mum has always, ALWAYS bought me some socks for Christmas.

However, these days I actually want them :-(

On another note, seeing as my brother is a massive Back to the Future fan, this year I've got him THIS :D
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 10:44, Reply)

I've asked my girlfriend for this for christmas...
www.thewhiskyexchange.com/P-5129.aspx

Quote:

"At 79.9%, this is only for mixing, or as a 'float' to supercharge cocktails, where it contributes a surprising array of flavours as well as the extra alcohol. Don't drink it neat. Please."
(Flap Burger hasn't really got a burger made of flaps, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 10:30, 10 replies)

Christmas is gonna be brill this year..
My 2 kids are at that age now, where toys and games have a function, they know how to use stuff properly and they have patience to set up games etc.

The wife saw these in one of the cheap shops in town : www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3012661

They were about 7 quid a pair. When you bash stuff with them, they make hulk noises and breaking glass sounds, great fun.

I've bought 2 pairs, one for my son, who's five, and yes, you've guessed it, the other's for me - I'm 33..

I've even bought a giant inflatable punchbag - which only purpose is for me to don the gloves and bash while my little lad's at school.

Christmas, Kids, love it.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:58, 2 replies)

Easy
Mum: a box of Thorntons and a bottle of decent single malt.

My best mate: we're going halves on a bottle of Jack Daniels Master Distiller (£120/bottle) which, after decanting a miniature each for our respective parents, we shall proceed to get shitfaced on together.

Local barman: a copy of the AC/DC back catalogue, burnt to DVD.

Everyone else: gentlemens agreement to buy each other a pint.

Seems to work bloody well.
(bblgoose, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:37, 4 replies)

Obligitory Start Wars Post.
Darth Vader knows what Luke Skywalker is getting for Christmas….

Oh, you know the rest.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:29, 7 replies)

Done twice
Many years ago, I didn't get on with my little brother.

He was annoying, following me round if I had friends over, calling me pizza-face (something that I would do to him when the time came). Anyway, I didn't see why I should buy him a present at all. So I didn't. I found his present on a trip to my grandparents just before his birthday. It was perfect.

Come his birthday I carefully wrapped a shoe box in wrapping paper, filled it with ripped up newspaper, tied a ribbon around the present and placed it carefully in the box, covering it with more shreds.

I then posted it to him.

The morning of his birthday came round and the postie knocked on the door with his gift. I could barely contain my sniggering.

The box looked the business, and little Gwyndaff (for that is what we call him) gets all excited, tearing into it. He throws off the top, delves into the paper shreds and pulls out, wrapped in lovely red ribbon, a filthy piece of coal. Covering himself in coal dust.

Unfortunatley our mum didn't appreciate the gift and the mess it brought with it. I get a telling off and I'm made to buy him a "proper" present and to clean up. But it was all worth seeing his little, sparkling Birthday face collapse in confusion and disapointment.

Later in life. my nan told me that giving a piece of coal is a sign of love and caring for somenone, so that's the thankyou present he got when he was best man at my wedding.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:20, Reply)

My dad
worked all his life, it wasn't a well paid job so although our family weren't truly skint, my parents were frugal. It was a case of having to be seeing as they had 6 kids to feed during the 60s and 70s. Bills were paid on time, we never went hungry, but during all that time we only ever had the one holiday. For four of my brothers, it was a case of leaving school as soon as possible and getiing a job, the fifth brother did a stint in the army so stayed on at school and did a CSE in art before he went and I (yes, 6 boys in total) was the only one that went to college and did GCSE's and A levels.

Their state pension, plus the small work pension my dad gets covers all the bills, but there's not much spare. Because of this, what they see as a luxury or even just a treat, most people would see as a trivial purchase. They were incredulous when we got a dishwasher.

But, by christ are they difficult to buy for. Or for that matter, to have any money spent on them (they won't even let us take them both to the local carvery for lunch, and that's only £3.50 a head). Year on year they say the same thing. "Don't get us anything, spend it on the kids instead." and they're most insistant. But no matter how insistant they are, we can't not get them anything. But a few years ago I thought I'd get them them something really special that would really surprise them.

So I picked up a bottle of champagne. Now that'd do the trick. But then I thought what else? So I looked on the Harrods website and ordered this tinyurl.com/harrodsforXmas It's not much, not exactly expensive either, but it was from Harrods. Harrods! Have I won the lottery or something? They couldn't believe it. I just wish I was there when they opened it. That tin takes pride of place in the kitchen, and the champagne bottle is kept in a display cabinet with the best china and crystal glasses. But, I've peaked there and don't know if I could top that short of sending them on a cruise.

So people, don't just go for socks, slippers, body shop stuff. Putting a little bit of thought it into makes all the difference.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 9:11, 1 reply)

Uncle Colin, the family twat
Bought me a present for Christmas when I was about 12.

It was about 30cm x 30cm x 10 cm and weighed a ton. It was under the tree and for weeks and I would pick it up every day trying to figure out what it was.

Finally Christmas morning came and I tore open the paper to find a huge box of cheap AA batteries with a note which read:

"Toy not included"

It's almost 30 years and I still don't think I'm over that.
(prescottsflu infected you at, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 8:58, 3 replies)

My nephew
6 years ago, for my nephew's first christmas, the entire family went nuts buying him all sorts of oversized plastic junk, much to the dismay of my sister who had to find somewhere to store it all. As well as the obligatory fisher price mostrosity (bought him a really annoying drum that played songs and had flashing lights) I gave him an old remote control as he always seemed to like playing with them. HIS FAVORITE TOY FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS. thoroughly recommend this for anyone with littluns to buy for. my eldest son also got one for his first christmas and my youngest is about to get his...

My sister and I have developed a nasty tradition of buying each others kids annoying presents, starting with the giant (and i mean giant) nemo i bought her son. the last present she bought my youngest was this.

cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250527976060

trust me, kids love it, but it's so infuriating and very hard to turn off. 'hug me, kiss me in your arms - fill me with your loving charms.' buy it for your loved ones this year.
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 8:44, 5 replies)

this is gonna cost a bit!
Dad - whiskey (one of the Glens)
Mum - something from the body shop
Kids (son) - football kit( Lfc)
Daughters, will probably take them to New Look with the Missus and let them go nuts.
Missus - a tattoo voucher (that's what she's asked for) and a late present of a corset when i get around to giving kitty o'hara her measurements.
(Kip, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 8:44, 2 replies)

Design your own t-shirt
You can do it here they will print it and send it to you for a modest £10.90.

Given my little brother's obsession with beating me at pool and my insistance that he will NEVER be as good as me, was thinking of getting him:


Also given that we once wrote a song about our uncle Mick with the chorus:
Uncle Mick
Uncle Mick
Put it away
It's fucking sick

Was toying with getting him:


The possibilities are only limited by our collective imaginations.

Edit been thinking:
If I get him the uncle Mick one, he's bound to wear it in front of uncle Mick leading to me having to explain myself to Mick the uncle. I'll tell him I bought it in a gift shop in Blackpool and it was the only one they had that had an actual relative's name on. Lots of uncle Daves, uncle Steves, aunt Sharons etc. Always one step ahead me.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 7:55, 2 replies)

.
I want a pony.
(inflateable, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 7:35, 2 replies)

...
Each year I have to buy more and more presents as my various siblings keep having offspring or getting married or whatever. I'd imagine my shopping will all be done on christmas eve as that is the only time I realis that it needs to be done.

What will they get?

Inevitably tokens. Tokens or things they don't want. Bloody Christmas bah humbug etc etc.

I have just noticed from my profile that I have been on here for over 7 years! 7 Years!

(goes back into lurking mode)
(Slacker, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 6:40, Reply)

I've been with the girlfriend for over a year now.
So I guess it's about time I took a shit on her in the name of sex.

HUZZAH!

Best. Present. Ever.
(mmmkay, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 4:14, 1 reply)

episode 0








Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam aka Turkish Star Wars
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 2:54, 3 replies)

A white Christmas
I'm not going to wank or sully my girlfriend from now til the 25th before releasing the balls over Christmas dinner.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:12, 1 reply)

Let's see then;
Me dad will most probs get anything to do with Top Gear eg Stig t-shirt, Stig socks, Stig Vibrator, Jeremy Clarkson Waxfacial kit or some bollocks. Throw in a few beers or whiskey, plus the obligatory pair of socks.

Me mum will most probs get books, lots 'n' lots of books, anything rabbiting on about somebody else, possibly some espionage thrown in while some hero/heroine has a mid-life crisis (eg most things by Clive Cussler). And a pair of socks.

Me wife will have clothes, lots 'n' lots of clothes. Jeans, trousers, blouses, tops, all the usual gumph. And some luminous socks.

Me sis will most likely have a few comedy DVDs, something involving making ice-cream/chocolate/food in general plus some socks to bake it all in (as I'd imagine that's what you women do :p).

Me daughter shouldn't have much, just a load of Pepper Cunting Pig (is the post-watershed Nickelodeon edition) OINK OINK toys and dolls etc. Plus some socks for her to get stuffed into my DVD player disk tray.

And me, I will on Christmas morning trip over all these socks situated everywhere, fall flat on my face and claim £4000 with Claims Direct, just to pay for it all.

Socks, is there nothing they can't do?

PS You never see someone on the Claims Direct advert who has suffered severe brain damage due to an accident at work. I could picture a Joey Deacon dribbling and lisping to the camera "Phhhhhhhh I got hit by forkliffft n lost half of bwain, Claims Diwect won me crayons!!!" because as we all know, crayons are a mong's favourite food (click here for a taster)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 1:11, Reply)

The Mudskippers are heartless ingrates:
We're dreading whatever the shitty thing is that my mum is going to get us this year. Last year it was a foot spa from the $2 Shop. We got it while visiting her on Christmas Eve, and wasted no time in stuffing it into some random letterbox on the way home.
Sorry mum.
(mudskipper, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 0:49, Reply)

For my brother a few years back
I bought him a Family Guy DVD box set, which he insisted on watching in the afternoon. Which made my Mother cry. Probably not the best choice of viewing when it's her first Christmas after my Dad left her, I guess. It got worse when he put one of her CD's on for her to cheer her up. Shakin' Stevens wasn't a great choice either for more reasons than just being shite!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 0:25, Reply)

I posted these last year,
and will continue to do so until I get them.



And they have Thanksgiving ones as well!


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 23:57, 2 replies)

Last christmas
I did a zombie theme christmas last year. World War Z and The Zombie Survival guide by Max Brooks, A limited edition Spider-Man and Mary-Jane Marvel Zombies figure and Left 4 Dead for the x-box.

The year before was Star wars themed with Force Effects Light Saber, Return of the Jedi film stills and a canvas print of the Millenium Falcom approaching Yevin.

Other presents have included a tattoo (Punisher skull that has been shot) Various t-shirts from t-shirt hell, and a Mr Frosty

I don't have many ideas this year. I know he needs memory for his x-box but other than that I don't have a clue.
(ladraven, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 23:30, 8 replies)

it's the thought that counts....
I was once given an indian cookery book in an old shoe box by a boyfriend who hated any spicy food. His family gave me a set of bathroom scales, a set of size 16 underwear (I was size 10 at the time) and a frying pan.
( pottybeaver is neither a potty nor a beaver, Thu 26 Nov 2009, 23:23, Reply)