I once had a party
My art-school friend turned up in the most pretentious outfit. She was dressed completely in black, put some kind of white make-up on, and was wearing a ridiculous hat.

Mind you, it was a Halloween party.
(Pachey, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 14:59, Reply)

GUTTED
Im gutted, I signed up the other week when the police QOTW was up, I wait to get past newbie Tuesday. Now I have nothing to share on this subject whatsoever. Im Sorry
(Strongbow_SY, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 14:16, Reply)

Media lecturers and bad poetry...
Oh boy… Having gone to university on a media production course, I was hoping to avoid pretentious arses talking about film. Instead I got pretentious arses making films. Bugger. Although the students were vastly annoying (90% of them were there on daddy’s money anyway) it was the lecturers that took the biscuit. On pitching our five minute thriller our lecturer came out with a suggestion that will forever echo in my brain:

“Instead of them pulling out baseball bats, couldn’t they pull out enormous inflatable bananas instead?”

Arty cnut. However, the crème de la crap came when attending a short film / poetry evening where all manner of farty pretentiousness was on display (including my own). There was one woman who read poetry. Now, the poetry in question would have been bad enough in itself had it not have been for her occasional outbursts about her privates which were done at three times the volume, right in the middle of a sentence. The first time she did it, we all jumped in out seats but by the end of her poem, we were under the table pissing ourselves laughing. We thought she might have tourettes or something but I think she was just trying to be controversial. Or maybe c*ntroversial if you like.

To give you a feel for it, I have composed the following example. It is by no means as hilarious as the original.


I am a million dewdrops
I have eternity in my hands
I live on a dozen shellfish C*NT!

The woods know my pain, my wants
Clouds mask my pity
IT SMELLS FISHY!

Heavy headlamps in maple syrup
Yearning FANNY over furthermost hills
With no remorse
PUBIC LICE!

Separated from heaven with daffodil raindrops
FISH-MITTEN!!!
No bicycle can live in my way
No man knows my
HAIRY COD PIE!

I’d go on, but I think you get the picture.

Yay, there goes my cherry…!
(Mr Evian, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 13:25, Reply)

Just one more
The bloke in the pork pie hat and aviator sunglasses riding a miniature chopper bike outside the Economist building. Almost everyone at my company left the office at some point to have a look at the "Nathan Barley" down the road...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 11:34, Reply)

Smashing Pumpkins
Mike Fishcake,

No, it was Edmonton, Canada, but I think the year was 1996.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 10:47, Reply)

as per emvee
pens that come in colours like celadon ice and tranquil indigo ... they should try spunky pearl, on the blob burgundy, and golden shower instead
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 10:42, Reply)

Twitz-Mctiger
Yes you 'need say more'. Coldplay may be shite but what make them pretentious exactly?

The phrase 'Need I say more' is very pretentious. I hope you all realise
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 10:14, Reply)

Most pretentious website?
Dave Perry, self-professed UK God of Gaming... his website gamesanimal should give you a better idea


(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 9:50, Reply)

Russian Tongue Twisters
I did GCSE Russian - don't you know

Can't be bothered to try and type in Russian so here's my attempt to translate into Roman alphabet:

"Boyeeek Toopagoop Toopagoop Binky Beechock"

"Na trav-yeh drava, na drav-yeh trava"

I have no idea what either means anymore, but the second one is something about sitting on green grass.
(Pearly Pearl, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 9:08, Reply)

some kind of art
the other day i went to some kind of art event featuring some kind of art that was different and new to me. later i went on b3ta to tell everyone about my ignorance of, and unwillingness to learn about, something that was diffrent and new to me.
(e p f, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 8:47, Reply)

i went to drama school...
...darling...
(kalimah, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 7:20, Reply)

Kazza: re Barley:
I think the problem stemmed from the involvement of the usually reliable Chris Morris in the adaptation for the screen and the miscasting of the Barley character. The bloke from series two of Absolute Power looked nothing like the written Barley nor the photograph which once appeared in an early episode of Cunt in TVGoHome.

Anyway, my cousin (former trainee poet, currently "writing a children's book") went to Pembroke at Cambridge and thus had a bunch of loud-ass betoothed yahs at his wedding a couple of years ago. One of them read out some poetry in a special poetry-oration voice using special poetry-enhancing facial expressions whilst holding the book she was reading from in that strange manner employed by people when reading aloud from books in public (as if they're holding a soggy paper bag full of bruised testicles). The only thing she forgot to do was to appear theatrically drained by the sheer emotion of the reading when she finished.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 6:14, Reply)

Talking of Nathan Barley, which a couple of people are
The TV version of this was pretty pretentious in itself. Did anyone else get the impression that whoever did it didn't get the original joke (if you remember 'Cunt' from TVGOHome). Unless I didn't get it and it wasn't funny in the first place...I mean Nathan Barley was meant to be a cunt, not just a rather likeable tit
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Wed 5 Oct 2005, 4:08, Reply)

pretentious things
Somebody once asked me if i had a "visual representation" of my girlfriend, someone had to explain to me that he meant a "photo"

Somehow i came off looking really stupid, and he avoided being pretentious in anyway at all....go figure!
(Happy Welsh, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 23:55, Reply)

Revolutionary
Once went to some art thing that had a video of a woman just repeating the words "I am a revolutionary" over and over.

At the same thing I saw a girl walking about with a photo of Che Guevera in her pocket. I asked if it was signed and she looked unimpressed.

The event was saved by a giant painting of David Hasselhoff though so it wasn't all bad.
(cammy, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 23:14, Reply)

Are you kidding me?
I've done KS3 drama, and a lot of lessons the teacher couldn't be arsed and so showed us sixth formers rehearsing for exams and whatnot.

It couldn't have been more pretentious if it was served on a bed of organic rocket, drizzled with balsamic vinegar accompanying a lean free-range chicken breast lightly seared in a mint jus.
( ArthurTheRat, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 22:30, Reply)

Food at Gatwick Airport
When I check in for a flight, and go for a sandwich, I don't want a 'dolphin friendly' tuna sandwich on 'organic rye bread' with 'rocket leaf salad'. I want a fucking tuna sandwich which I don't have to pay about a fiver for. Even if it kills dolphins and is made from GM bread; like I give a shit.

Pretentious sandwiches. Bah.
(insert username here, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 22:21, Reply)

Bob Hope
There comes a time when nostalgia turns even the lowest-brow art (e.g., The Three Stooges) into high-brow art. Thus, I looked forward to seeing Bob Hope doing live stand-up comedy.

What a pretentious ass! At one point, Hope spotted some unauthorized person in the audience filming his performance, and he stopped the show, petulantly whining all the time about copyrights, until security hauled the offender away.

There was a lot of misogynistic foul language and stupid golf jokes. I looked nervously around, and thought "I hope none of these 10,000 people are homosexuals!" (lots of unfunny homophobic humor too)

Where are The Three Stooges when you need them?
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 22:13, Reply)

asahi
asahi in english means "flying tadpole"

it's a well known fact
( writerblock ... embedding disabled by request on, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 20:37, Reply)

To Gracie_likes_cookies re: X Factor contestants - they're not prententious

just deluded.

Oh yes, anyone calling themselves an "art terrorist" is badly in need to be taken down a dark alley and given a beating, call it a private performance art display.
(Chuckman, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 20:29, Reply)

Pocket Watch
I have a friend who, rather than be a like the other proles and wear a watch, has his own ornate, silver pocket watch. He keeps it in the breast pocket of his blazer, with the chain trailing back into the inside pocket so everyone can see has a pocket watch.

This was pretentious even in Victorian times.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 20:18, Reply)

I did Performing Arts
at university, so pretty much every fucking thing I had to watch, study and perform was all wanky bollocks - we used to make it especially wanky and pretentious and we'd get better marks for it
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 20:13, Reply)

just plain wierd
I went to the Baltic on Friday to have a little looksee.

Watched this video installation where a guy asked members of the Liverpool housing Association to ask him a question and he would go to Lower World and ask the animal spirits for an answer.

So we is asked by all these old dears to find out if they have have a protector and what it is and thus the madness began...

So he gets keys and ties the to his shoes to make that lovely "jangling" noise and starts gargling water and spitting it on the carpet.

He then disappears into another room, turns on some drumming/chanting tape and appears wearing a full skinned deer, head and all.

After about 10 minutes of bird/dog/animal noises and prancing about like a twat (whilst the old dears go from hysterics to just plain horror) he 'comes down' and proceeds to tell them all about his animal spirit adventures talking to all manner of bird life.

I won't spoil the ending for you all in case you are in the region and fancy checking it out. i didn't know whether to laugh, stroke an imaginary beard or just run away. I chose the former.

Oooh and I saw another video installation there which involved pictures of people pooing into other peoples mouths, from now on I'm staying well away from art, you never get that with Rolf Harris!!
(kendoddsdadsdogsdead, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 19:17, Reply)

Pretentious Music
Coldplay... Need I say more?
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 18:17, Reply)

"the problem of the 20th-century monochrome surface."
OK here comes:
This guy went to the "Stedelijk Museum" in Amsterdam and slashed up a painting of a red surface with two thin strips of blue and yellow. The painting is called "Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue".
He did this in protest to museum policy of displaying only abstract art and was sentenced to 8 months in prison.
Then the museum paid another guy to fix this painting of a large, mostly red surface. And this other guy fixed it, supposedly using house paint and a roller and charging some rediculous amount of money for his professional services.
Then, the museum refused to pay him on the grounds that a large monochrome surface should not be painted with a roller...

Question: Who is the most pretentious?
a) the painter painting a large piece of cloth red and calling it art
b) the museum, displaying a large piece of red cloth
c) the guy that wants a small fortune for painting a piece of cloth with a roller

(or d) the guy who voices his opinions by slashing up paintings - he did it again with a mostly blue painting from the same 'artist')
(bovine intervention, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 17:16, Reply)

"The artists need to take back computers from the scientists!"
My other half did a masters degree in Intelligent Systems at Brunel Uni. One of her lecturers told her about a presentation and discussion on Women in IT that was taking place in London. I think it was in Islington, I can't really remember. He asked her to present something there, and she agreed.

After preparing a series of overhead projector slides and donning a nice summer dress, she went along. I went too, just for the experience, and the potential free wine.

We got to the place - a converted town house / art barn thing. She was introduced to the organiser, a butch lass with a leather waistcoat on and nothing else on top. Squidgy leather clad breasts seemed to be the order of the day at this place, and there were a number of them around. We started to get a vibe that a light summer dress wasn't quite the scene.

The organiser was really happy because they had managed to get a BT Videophone, and were connecting to Australia where 'her lover' was. She told all and sundry this, but we kinda got it already. The fact that she hit on my wife suggested that she had an open relationship, however.

After mingling for a bit, the presentations started. One featured a 'famous' artist who had set up several infra-red cameras in a graveyard and had filmed several people sitting around in the dark. She used the technology to highlight how spirits move amongst us, or some bollocks like that.

At the right time, a nice structured introduction to Artificial Intelligence was delivered, complete with slides and talk of 'hard AI' versus 'soft AI'. All very nice. Then the questions started. They didn't want to hear about the details of AI, they started with the pretentious bollocks about how computers are taking over the world, and how one day they may be more cleverer than us, and all that stuff.

The moment at which we realised we'd overstayed our welcome was when one little oik said in a laconic manner "The artists need to take back computers from the scientists!". Fucking wanker.

We left. I think she got the number of the organiser, too.
(kiwanotree Meh, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 17:08, Reply)

filth flarn filth
in london...walking around, saw a pile of bricks, said to gf/bf/mother/lover/motherlover what the filth flarn filth is that? Call that art?

Man overheard, thats a pile of bricks you crunt.

turns out to be a building site

nurse my kidneys....now

according to wikipedia there should be no more than 8 inches inside the rectal passage...so i let you be the judge
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 15:46, Reply)

www.deviantart.com
should surely be www.c-grade-at-GCSE-art.com?

ooooh what a spiteful cunt I am!
(InfiniteZenMaster, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 15:14, Reply)

This just brings...
...out the spiteful cunt in people doesn't it?

Perhaps QOTW has run its' course?
(InfiniteZenMaster, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 15:12, Reply)

french toungue twisters
dave from kent;
un chasseur sachant chasser doit savoir chasser sans son chien

got a french GF, i'm required to twist my tongue on a regular basis.
meh.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Tue 4 Oct 2005, 15:10, Reply)