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This is a question Pretentious bollocks

Possibly the worst event I ever went to was an evening of turntablists in London. The lights went down, the first guy put a cymbal onto a turntable, dropped the needle on it and left it making screeching noises for ten minutes.

When the lights came up, half the audience had snuck out.

What's the most pretentious rubbish you've ever been to see in the name of art?

(, Wed 28 Sep 2005, 14:19)
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This question is now closed.

My most disturbingly awful friend has just started a punk band
he thinks he's a genius, he comes in every morning with a new batch of songs. Heres a lovely example for you. "The Shit Song" is a song, not about the marvellous healing qualities of shit, but a song completely occupied by the word shit, where my friend repeatedly shouts shit over and over again to gay wanky guitar noise. As he explained this wonderous idea to his (probably ex) girlfriend, who is a brilliant singer with a wonderful voice, and a mature attitude towards music, i explained to her what a genius this cunt was, and that a cunting string quartet quartet were playing in the background of this cunts song. We both laughed at him, hard, for about a week.

He wanted me to play bass, i told him to go "shit" himself
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 17:27, Reply)
I had an art teacher
who would frequently remark about how horizontal lines were all about "base" and "foundation", and that diagonal lines implied "energy" and "movement", all of which expressed with waving hands and the like. Top bloke tho', he bought me a pint when i saw him at the end of Sixth Form.

Also, all those arsey students who buy Che Guevara t-shirts or have all those indie bands with obscure and tiny followings on little badges on their bags, and German Army coats and things. Basically, I get a little wound up that the rest of my student brethren all look pretty much the same, but then i suppose you could probably accuse me of looking like them if you were to see me hehe
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 17:15, Reply)
the ad industry is full of pretentious nathan barleys. today a girl said to me "you see that guy over there? well, don't say anything to anyone because he doesn't like anyone knowing, but he's michael crawford's nephew"

(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 17:11, Reply)
2 things
1. Everyone on every episode Grand Designs especially the Presenter.
2. The Crazy World of Arther Brown when he sang 'Fire' with his head on fire.

Hey - I've just found out what goatse is all about. Ha. Ive been wondering what it meant for ages.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 16:58, Reply)
That sunset was one of the most beautiful, awe-inspiring things I have ever seen in my life!

I am lucky enough to have friends with artistic interests and I have since told them that I can't read/listen to any more of their poetry because I cannot give an useful, unbiased, objective appraisal but in reality -

(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 16:41, Reply)
tate modern and the giant rubber horn (fnar!)
the installation at tate modern that consisted of a giant horn? I mean wtf are we paying for?

mind you there's a pot of some blokes shit in there too, which isn't much better.

And you could go on forever about the pile of pebbles, coils of wire etc that have been there in the past.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 16:12, Reply)
I saw a biography about rossini
told mostly through the medium of water.
It was quite enjoyable though, specially when a big cart with a huge phalus was rolled on and quirted 'water' as it was massaged by an upsidown lady. I almost fell off the balcony with confusion.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 16:12, Reply)
Art students
In the 2nd yr at uni, two girls in our house were on arts degrees. We were invited to their exhibition and politely declined until someone mentioned the free booze.
Upon arrival we found the free booze had gone and we had to witness the cock that they called art. They included a doll in a coffin, a suitcase suspended above A4 sheets of paper that had been nailed to the floor each with random words on, and a framed picture of two straight pencil lines.
However the best was a 10ft square canvas that was painted blue. Confronted with this I pondered and then announced "That's not art, it's decorating!"
A friend of the artist then chipped in haughtily with "Do you know how long that took to get the shade of blue right? There are twelve coats of paint on there."
"So he's shit at decorating as well then?" I replied.
Having offended our housemates entire course we opted for the pub over the road, and decided that the best "work" had been a plaster cast of some womans tits in a box frame. Now thats Art!
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 15:52, Reply)
This is my review of the new Oasis album - yes, yet another one, the follow-up to Don't Believe the Truth!
Pretentious, moi?


The shock new Oasis album, reviewed by
VOLCANIC PANIC – he’s more rock than a geology textbook!

Howdy doody, everybody.
After their slide from everyone’s favourite band to, well, everyone’s favourite band who make a good use for CDs as a coffee coaster, Oasis have stunned the entire monde de la musique by releasing their new album three years early, out of nowhere. Rumours abound this decision was taken regarding kidnapping attempts by notorious Colombian drugs baron, Juan Pablo Flangehell, though a more plausible suggestion’s that Noel Gallagher needs the money to fund a £60k-a-day Spongebob Squarepants DVD habit.

Anyway, cut the crap, as the Clash would say. I own all their albums. So eat it. The new album represents a radical departure for the Mancunian “rogue rockers”, with the bangin’ pop choons of Definitely Maybe, and Heathen Chemistry condemned to the dustbin of history - like a mofo. In many ways it represents a new beginning – despite it being their sixth album, Oasis have imaginatively titled the new LP “Oasis.” “We recently played a guerrilla gig in Turkmenistan,” Liam , “and we woz at a loose end namin’ our new fookin’ album, maaan, but when I saw this oasis in the desert the idea just came to me like a pin to a magnet. In’t that brilliant?” Right you are, Liam, right you are…


The general feel is a dark, unforgiving and semi-Gothic industrial greasy piece, if we excuse the 10-minute cover of Big Mountain’s “Ooh Baby I Love Your Way”. Opening track “Friendly Fire with Nicky Wire”, fittingly recorded in an Essex scally abattoir, starts with a cacophony of blaring military distress signals, developing into a Shostakovich-meets-Rachmaninov Russian funeral march. Yeah, it’s anything but friendly, baby.

Oasis continues in a similar vein through the thundering “Nineteen-Inch Nails”, which hence the name, is twice as good as ‘90s “grunge grebos” Nine-Inch Nails, “Lovely Gruyere Cheese”, “Daniel Beddingplant’s Reign of Terror”, and Fisher Price xylophone-based prog-rock epic “Is That A Monster In My Pocket? No, I’m Just Pleased to See You, Zak Starkey.” It ain’t crowd pleasing Britpop, that’s for sure, and it doesn’t give happy, happy vibes – but at this stage I would describe it as a “guilty pleasure.” (You have to love it.) I’m not sure if there’s much choice. Well… “If you don’t I’m gonna knock your block off” Liam says. Sounds like “fighting talk” to me.

However, Oasis quickly runs out of ideas, especially considering Noel uses the same riff and chord structure for all 28 tracks, widely rumoured as copyright-violating Budgie the Little Helicopter. Many distressing, unsettling subjects are tackled, like war, violence, disease and watching The Adult Channel in front of one’s grandparents.
However, Noel has sadly lost his talent for enigmatic, original wordplay and the anti-rail privatisation rant, “Tommy Tank’s Dictatorial Coup” doesn’t quite fit Liam’s warbles of “We are the pigs and you’re our prostitutes, your sick evil trains go toot toot toot.”

The band’s disturbing fixation with childrens’ TV goes deeper with an atrocious ska-punk-death disco remix of the Playdays theme. However, it should be praised as their first genuine political protest song. “I remember when it was called Playbus and they changed the name!” “It’s fookin shite, this country’s going to the dogs, it’s fookin’ political correctness gone mad. I’m writing to my MP, I tell ya!” Then, after a brief sojourn into metrosexual Europop, the album grinds to a screeching halt.

YOU should write to your MP after hearing this sorry excuse for an album, or, in the Queen’s English, a bag of absolute steamin’ hot dog’s eggs. It looks unlikely Oasis will be filling stadiums in the near future – apart from at my house in quaint French Riviera village, Sac-de-Merde. But sometimes when I hear things like this I wish I had been born a girl, and not this mess of a man.

“Your tip for the top, don’t stop!”
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 15:40, Reply)
Ute Lemper
I used to really like her but there was a point a few years ago when she suddenly went very odd - I went with a friend to see her in concert at the Savoy Theatre and we walked out at the interval.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 15:30, Reply)
UP their own arse restaurants
Anywhere that charges a shit load of cash for 3 lettuce leaves, a sq cm of meat n sum spuds- Cordon blue- my arse.

Dont get me wrong- i dont mind paying for good food but there is a 'taking the piss' limit.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 15:01, Reply)
We once voted for one of university's buildings to be renamed the Vaseline Building, much to the annoyance of the people who wanted to name it after a Burmese (sorry, Myanmarian) freedom fighter.

Oddly, a few weeks after the vast majority of the voters said they wanted to call it the Vaseline Building it ended up being named after a Myanmarian freedom fighter. Democracy, eh?

(PS how can anyone object to the word "sic" as only being a way to point out people's mistakes? That's what it's for! It's like objecting to the word "apple" as only being a way to refer to a fruit.)
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:49, Reply)

07956084780 is his moby number. Prank Call Heaven!!

Call his number and let him know what you think of his pretentious and stupid "art" -attention seeking pile of toss. No artistic value, or real thought behind his "work".

My mate and I are now going to become modern artists - I'll let you know when we hoodwink these gullible tossers into exhibiting/focussing on our work.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:47, Reply)
Not all artists are pretentious wankers...
...I work with a couple and live with one and they are all okay.

Pretentious types are all over though, in my final year of Uni we organised a piss up for the freshers of our course and the arty sister course. Que me ending up standing chatting to a guy who did his entire A-Level Art project by drawing hentai and was seriously discussing it like it was breathtaking.

Another story told to me by a friend who was studying Fine Art. Since this is second hand I can't verify the truthfullness though. They were scheduled to go and meet a local artist and the lecturer was showing the class some of his work. One painting was of a red boat and the lecturer asked the class to explain the significance of the colour choice. Que lots of bullshit reasons why someone might want a red boat.

On visiting the artist the lecturer then asked again about the significance of the red boat. The artists reply, "It was a red boat."

Pretentious wankers, its all a load of tentacle-cock.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:39, Reply)
Toooooo many to mention
First day of Performing Arts degree: a performance put on by two third year music students. This takes place in a small music practice room whose walls are draped in sheets. To the sound of muzak played by a hidden ghetto blaster, a washing machine is smashed to pieces with hammers.
That was just the first of many, many, truly unmentionable performances.
To this day I cannot listen to classical music nor watch dance of any sort, and a visit to the theatre is completely and utterly out of the question. Any art that isn't purely representational burns my retinas, and anyone whose creativity is supported in any way by taxpayers' money should be made to lick roads clean.
Cheers then x
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:18, Reply)
My GCSE Art was failed!
Okay so I can't draw but who is an art teacher to say that my submission (most people took 6 weeks mine took 6 mins) is anyless valid?! Also he gave my brother detention for finding picasso's work funny, as if my bro's oppion is some how less valid that his! PLUS his name was Mervin W! (actualty that might identify him, best refere to him as Mr. M. Wallis)

Pretensious Prick
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:04, Reply)
ooh ooh! Another one, starring ME!
In my second year of university, this girl who lived at the same house as me was doing fine art. Stuck for an idea for what to do she asked me for inspiration, I says:

"Why don't you film someone smashing up a shed with a sledgehammer?"

So, some guy at the pub where she worked said she could smash up his shed. Off we trudge to this guys house wearing smart clothes, then take turns to cine film each other smashing up this shed with a sledgehammer and a pick axe.

Halfway through flattening the shed, she asks "what is this all about?", after the briefest moment of ponderance I reply - "relationships" - exactly the kind of crap that fine art teachers seem to love.

She got quite a good mark for it as I understand. So if you ever saw a short film of a guy and a girl smashing up a shed at Middlesex Uniersity Quicksilver campus, I was the guy in the shirt and tie, and it was all my idea. (go me! :)
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 14:02, Reply)
Japanese films, pretentious bollocks or just different?
Recently rented the DVD of Casshern: a Japanese, post-apocalyptic, action film vaguely in the manga style. "Better than both Matrix sequels put togther" said one of the reviews on the box. "Not too hard" I thought, but I reckoned it would be worth a try anyway. I should have noticed that the review was from some third rate local paper.

This film contained more random plot twists than the normal human brain can cope with. Just as I thought it was coming to a point where it would wrap up nicely there was another half hour of the characters spouting some pre-school standard philosophy about how killing people is on balance a bad thing. Complete waste of an evening.

In defence of pretentiousness however, did anyone think that the indoor sunset at the Tate Modern was very cool? I thought it was great.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:54, Reply)
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:50, Reply)
Clogs and overblown lyrics. You *know* who I mean...
"A metamorphosis of completion
With perfection assured
A thousand butterflies released from the soul
A final solution and acceptance
Of realities nuances and trials
Never spoken but always there
It is the music of the spheres
A mourning of the sun
A new soundtrack to life."

The above are some lyrics from the new Fields of the Nephilim album, Mourning Sun. I think they qualify.

(I do actually like them but I'm really not all that bothered by the lyrics, particularly after a friend had the best part of his ear bitten off by an angry New Model Army fan, as part of a larger general kicking, at a Neph gig years ago. Don't remember why, maybe he ridiculed his clogs* or something. He still managed to enjoy the gig, so I guess hearing is optional?)

*NB While it might be the height of pretension to affect wearing clogs, without being from a clog wearing locality, it's a really, really stupid idea to take the piss out of someone wearing rather solid, chunky wooden footwear.

I don't know why I wrote "angry New Model Army fan" above. Was there ever any other kind?
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:49, Reply)
no cake for the impuritay
I was trying to be ironic.

I know I was correcting with an incorrect correction but that fact the sentence was about "pointing out mistakes" that's what made it funny see?.... At least to me anyway....
Or I am just a retard.... :)
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:38, Reply)

esp. the reviews section

(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:34, Reply)
Stir Crazy
I once saw a "video art installation piece" that was just a close up of someone mixing cake mixture in a bowl.

The worst thing at the Tate Modern at the moment is that f*cking glass of water on a high shelf that the artist claims is actually an oak tree.

Both the length and girth evoke a startling post-modern paranoia with a woodberry compote of claustrophobia, creating a visceral experienced, referencing reinvention in a Berlin brothel.

Sorry, I have just disappeared up my own @rse.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:19, Reply)
Paint splats
I decided to do a photography course a few years back at Tamworth college and just to give you the layout of the room we used, it had a darkroom on the left as you walked in with a balcony above for computer type work.

The course was only one day a week if you were doing the photography thing but it was also part of an art course which took up the rest of the week for the pale skinned goth types who had left school with nothing better to do.

Anyway, on one of the day I went in for my picture taking lesson there was a huge canvas laid out on the floor below the balcony with loads of different paint splats and bits of balloons all over it (you can imagine the creative process) and we were told by the teacher (or whatever the pretentious fops in charge of these courses are called) not to tread on it as it wasn't finished yet.

How the fuck do you know when a target for paint bombs is finished??
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:16, Reply)
Smashing Pumpkins
Racetraitor - that didnt happen to be the gig at the Manchester Arena in 1996 did it?

As soon as I saw the question, that's immediately what I thought of as well. Just wanking on the guitar for ages. A gig should finish on a high - not some sort of self indulgent toss. Grrr.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 13:05, Reply)
Minty Hit
No mate: up, down, left, right etc was right.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 12:59, Reply)
Glasgow. 1998-ish.
I think they were called 'Fura del Baus' or something. The 'performance' was in a warehouse-type place, with an open walk-around set. The idea was to wander around the venue watching a bunch of half naked people, possibly of Portuguese origin, climbing on scaffolding and throwing dead chickens. I believe that the climax of the piece was when one of the 'actors' had chicken guts thrown over him.

Pretentious Euro-crap the lot of it.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 12:54, Reply)
up, down, left, right, a and start,
Its only purpose is to point out other people's mistakes. [sic]

Should be:

It's only purpose is to point out other people's mistakes.
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 12:49, Reply)
Whilst walking home
from the pub the other night I saw this guy expelling his so called out “art” right in the middle of the street!

Pretentious wanker!
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 12:45, Reply)
(, Fri 30 Sep 2005, 12:36, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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