Computer games
these are the games i've turned to through the years whenever I was supposed to be doing something important:

Elite
Populous
Sensible Soccer
Premier Manager
Sim City
Championship Manager
Civilization
Age of Empires
Runescape

They probably account for about 5% of my lifetime. On the plus side, I don't watch much TV.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:21, 21 replies)

I'm sure this is some kind of record
At work I was given a Fire Safety Training boxset containing a training DVD and a number of question sheets, with which I was to show my fellow employees before getting them to complete the questions and then score them accordingly.

That was over two years ago now and I still haven't done it. It still get's mentioned from time to time by my boss and I always give the vague ''Yeah I'm planning it real soon'' response.

As you've guessed I don't ever intend to do it. Fuck em. What am I, a fireman? (I'm not a fireman).


Many more tales of laziness in the workplace coming soon....
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:16, 6 replies)

My university years
Consisted of 4 years of total procrastination.

Four essays to do per semester? Pah! Research? Double pah! Preparation? Treble pah! You get the picture...

It started off so well, too. Year one, first semester, I put my heart and soul into my work. Having just settled into a new job, and having also supported my ex wife through seven years of studying to become an accountant so she could fall straight into a swanky job, I figured it was my turn to better myself. And have my meals cooked and clothes ironed. And also to haul myself out of the crappy admin jobs I seemed to have been stuck with.

Didn't work out like that though. No. Instead, come Christmas she decided she'd had enough and fucked off (see squillions of other tales). Which meant that rather than sit pouring over books and working on assignments throughout the semester, I ended up reaquainting myself with alcomahol. Thus, the work was put off until the week before the deadline for each assignment.

My strategy was a simple one - I would take a few days off work (it wasn't as if I actually had anything to take time off work for anyway), visit the university library for relevant books, and print off as many journals from the internet relating to my chosen topics as I could find. Then I would select one to work on, do a couple of hours reading and then bash out a 2500 word essay until it was finished; systematically editing along the way. Assignments were completed at the rate of one per day. As a mark of self discipline, I reigned my social activies in from every night to just five. Or sometimes six, if I thought I'd managed to turn out a decent bit of tat - you've got to reward yourself for good work sometimes, haven't you?

This continued for the next three years until I figured that I wasn't going to be able to do the same with a 12,000 word dissertation. And so I sobered up (a bit) and put a bit more effort into that piece of work (which, luckily, I enjoyed writing).

So, out of four years study, three of those were spent rattling off assignments like Mills & Boon novels, surviving on alcohol, coffee and pizza.

Quite how I managed to get a 2:1 I don't know. The fact that I was two marks away from a first is a matter of some pride for me, I can tell you. Most people would be gutted at that; not me. Because I did fuck all for three years, I'm very happy with my near miss.

And I'm no longer stuck doing admin either. Nowt wrong with admin, but I'm far happier now than I was.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:16, 6 replies)

I used to have a motto
That is, until I grew up a bit.

"Hard work may well pay off in the future, but laziness pays off now"

I was thinking of translating it into Latin, but I really couldn't be arsed, such is the irony.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:11, 3 replies)

so like yeah
i'll fill the rest in later
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:09, Reply)

Ah procrastination.
I have many a story to tell about it. But it can wait until later.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 19:02, Reply)

Beer and taking a shit
Ok, so there i was in a really trendy bar, looking ok (hair combed, teeth brushed, shirt ironed, shoes polished) and was really enjoying a good beer.
Then i got to talking to a really hot babe, i mean im no looker but jezuz this girl was hot, we could talk all night. I kept looking at her huge boobs, her rounded arse and lucious lips.
I ordered some snacks and made polite jokes (unsual for me) and was enjoying the snacks and drink so much kept on ordering them, by now I must of been on my 3 platter of snacks, but this girl was amazing.
Then my stomach rumbled.
I needed a poo.
I had beer
I had snacks
I had the company of a hot babe.
So i kept it in.
Then it was a cloth touching moment.
I made my excuses and rushed to the toilet
My anus unleased its fury of porcliean like never before and my prostate.. oh procrastination..
well, anyhow, next time i'll go for a shirt early on, rather than procrastinating about it.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:59, Reply)

In a bid to get fit.
I decided at the start of the summer that I'd buy myself a bicycle. My journey from home to office is eight short, flat miles; so why not save some money and improve my fitness in one simple movement, by cycling.

I chose a bike that was well within my price range, was ideal for the job at hand, wouldn't be too big for my stumpy legs, and looked ace, too (as that's all important).

It was as good as done. All I needed to do was buy the thing from the internet. I didn't even need to move from my desk. Easy.

So I put it off. Then I put it off a bit more. Then I put it off some more, for good measure.

In fact, I waited so long that summer had pretty much scampered off with its tail between its cold, rainy legs. Autumn hadn't really bothered to show up and winter had just rudely barged in and started bossing nature about.

I've now been cycling to work for several weeks; in the coldest, windiest and most miserable conditions known to man, just because I now have a bike and will fucking well use the bastard, even if it kills me.
( Moey, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:55, 1 reply)

Cleaning my flat vs. Writing Essays
1. Start essay
2. Ooh, I'd work better if my desk was tidy
3. Start clearing desk
4. Ooh, I might as well do something fun while I'm sorting this out
5. Put TV on
6. Finish job, halfway through the episode... well, I might as well find more cleaning to do while this is going on...
7. Episode finished. It'd be a shame not to have the whole room this tidy, and the program on next looks interesting...
8. Room is spotlessly tidy, it is now 1am. Better get some sleep!
9. Repeat as needed.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:50, 8 replies)

I used to be a PhD student
I clearly failed somewhere along the way as I managed to write my bastarding thesis.

For those of you sensible enough not to bother trying to do such a pointless task let me tell you it is without doubt the most procrastination inducing activity it's possible to attempt. For a start most people decide to a PhD in the first place because they either don't know what they want to do with their life or otherwise just happy to put off doing a real job for another 3-4 years i.e. procrasinate over some life decisions.

Then after all the fun research / dicking about playing Urban Terror on the fast academic network for a few years you realise the money is about to run out but there's still a several hundred pages long document to be written. And no-one cares if it is written or not, it's completely up to the individual to motivate themselves. More procrastination inevitably follows.

In between finishing the write up and passing my viva (much to the astonishment of many in my department) I was asked to give a presentation to other more fresh faced and less disillusioned PhD students.

I basically stood up and read out Newton's Laws of Graduation ( uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Newtonian_Physics#Laws_of_Graduation ). I was asked for the slides by one of the professors.

And to show that this question was destined for me - shame I can't think of a funny story yet - when I moved in to my office I put up some motivational posters to inspire me. My supervisor was a little alarmed at my choices though...

despair.com/fail24x30pri.html
despair.com/med24x30prin.html

and my favourite

despair.com/proc24x30pri.html

To all those writing up, best of luck ;)
( djtrialprice, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:49, Reply)

I think the worst record ever
is 'Take my breath away' by Berlin.

Just the sound of those opening bars makes my blood boil. Totally irrational I know, but I just hate it!
( NinjaBadger hides in the bushes and gives you TB., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:48, 2 replies)

I put off...
Going to see my parents in South Africa for 4 years... Now thats lazy...

It just seemed epic.
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:43, Reply)

Command and Conquer
I missed first post on the QOTW as I just got Tiberium Sun which I haven't played since a kid! Bring on the memories.... and war...
(Something funny, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:37, 3 replies)

I would write a story on procrastination.
But at the moment I'm busy so I'll do it later.
(Mr Torture Oh no! Not the BEEEEEEEEEEES!, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:37, Reply)

procrastination
makes you go blind, right?
Well, it does when I poke my eyes out with a pencil rather than do any work.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:36, 1 reply)

Damn
I just found the QOTW had changed.
(kitescreech still here, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:35, Reply)

Hmmm...
We get loads of posts calling for the new QOTW all bloody day, and it's on procrastination. That ain't no koinkydink.
(GONEism, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:33, 1 reply)

Job Hunting
One time many years ago, I had just left university, and I was expecting to get a fantastic job, well at least I would have, if I had not been so lazy. After rejection after rejection, I just decided that I could not be bothered with the whole thing, and ended up working as a Postie instead, Hmmm, I could have made a better decision I thought.

Ironically, nearly everybody I knew at university has recently lost their computer jobs, and I am the only one with a seemingly secure job!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:30, Reply)

I'll
Oh hang on, the missus has just brought the casserole in...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:29, Reply)

Not exactly on topic, but...
back in the days when computer magazines used to print program listings for you to type in, I remember being mightily impressed by the wit of one BBC Basic author who defined a time delay procedure thusly:

DEF PROC Rastinate(T)
( chthonic, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:27, 5 replies)

spongebob taught me a lesson
"why do today what you can put off till tomorrow"
"what is today but yesterdays tomorrow"

I'm still a lazy cow, so what can you do?
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:27, Reply)

I put off answering last weeks QOTW
And now its too late
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:26, Reply)

I'll get this one in early before the avalanche
B3ta.com
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:26, 3 replies)

.
In the first 10 somewhere? (Yay - 5th)

Work - I procrastinate at this.
( speedyballbangpots, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:25, 1 reply)

I was going to be first
But, you know, stuff happened...
( le brian, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:25, Reply)

i was...
going to procrastinate and go for second ...


**edit**

or third
(wireless_tommer, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:25, Reply)

wow!
I'm early

Obviously we were too lazy to write something funny either - suffice it to say, I'm using b3ta to procrastinate writing my final dissertation whose main philosophical issue is how we ourselves are affected and respond in kind to the way we think other perceive us. Not sure if it helps that right now I think of myself as a lazy arse!
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:24, Reply)

first?
first1?
(wireless_tommer, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:24, Reply)