This morning
Apart from posting utter bollocks on 'Off-Topic', I've downloaded a trial of MS Project, burned it to disk, installed it and opened up a project file I was working on before I had to reinstall windows about a month ago.

So, notwithstanding that it's taken a month to get around to installing Project to work on the file, I've spent most of the morning tweaking the increasingly elaborate Gantt Chart.

The Gantt chart lists all the things I needed to get done between June and this Xmas.

Hardly anything is marked as 100% complete, and I've spent far more time on the chart than on actually doing the tasks.

edit: That's a lie, I haven't spent all morning on it. I went out for about an hour earlier.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 12:19, 1 reply)

Procrastination
Sine this QOTW started Ive been singing the word 'procrastination' in my head in the form of that 'fascination' song by Alphabeat.

I swear to god Im going to go insane.
(i should have joined myspace, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 12:08, 10 replies)

Bed
I Dream about sleeping.
(bowi555 built like a steakhouse but handles like a bistro, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 12:00, Reply)

I've just
Spend two hours reading threads on comic message boards about Batman being killed off when I should be preparing for a midday meeting.

I don't know if that counts as procrastination or just utter unsalvagable geekiness.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 11:49, 1 reply)

My day so far...
7:30 - Alarm goes off so I hit snooze
0739 - Alarm goes off again, hit snooze again
0748 - Alarms goes off, realise I can't put off getting up any more so get up, grab shower, no time for a shit
0850 - Arrive at work, log on, check mails, send mail to GF, log onto MSN and check B3ta for new answers
0900 - Boss has seen me in, go for shit, have to walk downstairs due to upstairs toilets being cleaned, floor below is full so go to toilets near canteen.
0910 - finish shit, decide to grab brekky
0925 - finish brekky and head back to desk, need water so go to water cooler and fill 1 litre bottle is water
0930 - sit down and look atB3ta again, check some replies, MSN mates and open a doc I'm working on, look at doc, leave doc alone
1000 - Conference call, sit there drinking water and day dreaming about going out on duty fri night
1105 - conf ends, drank lots of water, go to desk, drop off water bottle go for pee, go back to desk decide to fill water bottle again.
1110 - read some more B3ta and MSN mates
1115 - decide to chronicle my morning for B3ta
1128 - finish chronicle and post
1130 - expects replies about being boring and wondering how I hold down my job...

And also to point out the glaring error I made it appears...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 11:29, 2 replies)

Thanks to someone....
Im so lazy even my smoke alarm has a Snooze button.
(tfi049113 Was found alive on, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 11:16, 2 replies)

Lazy parenting.....
...the 20 month old baby is nagging me for something as I sit in the living room, feet up on the sofa playing my DS. Something to do with "Gu-don" whatever the fuck that is. The time is 2pm and I really can't be arsed, so on comes the TV. The baby starts smiling and I think "Yeah, I'm a good dad, she's not crying."
After a good 20 seconds the baby is getting a bit bored with the Politics program that I'd left on (oops), so I pick up the remote and channel hop for her. After a few presses (and curses under my breath for the lack of responce from pressing half the buttons on the remote) I find some arty program which is starting. The baby seems excited by this and sits down in her bouncer which is right in front of the box, creating an audience of one with the telly. I glance past her and see a strange display.
Some animated feature as far as I could make out. It's all dark at the start and the prodigy of the story is experiencing some sort of trip while in a dingy. He's taken something; the director's got it moving 1 frame per sec and the screen is jerking along until the prodigy passes out. He's gone blue too, which doesn't fill me with confidence. The screen fades out slowly while some guitar music is slowly and calmy played in the background, as if our hero is transcending to euphoria before passing on. He then appears in a small meadow, the green of the grass is all around, some trees in the distance and our hero walking among it. He seems happy with the ignorant bliss of his impending passing, not a care in the world.
With that, a 2nd character wonders on the screen pushing a strange looking bicycle. He looks odd in proportion; a small stocky brown man and a head shaped a little bit like Stewie's from Family Guy. Maybe he's his conscience thinks I. Maybe he will lead him to salvation, or back to the real world. He approaches the hero, who is grinning like an idiot at the stranger.
".....macca pacca...." says the fat one.
Eh? I pick up the remote and find that "Takeshi's Castle" has started, fucking A1.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 10:36, 11 replies)

The end of my procrastination
It's only on reflection that I realise I've had a lifetime of procrastination. I'm the guy who waited until the last minute to do homework or essays, sometimes not even managing to get started, let alone finished.

My life has also been full of ideas. I'm always coming up with madcap plans for businesses, Web sites, songs, expeditions and adventures which I work on for a few days, then lose motivation, or put off doing anything, and move on to the Next Big Thing.

Now, however, I'm acting on two ideas which I hope will enable me to put an end to procrastination for good.

For the past couple of years, I've been toying with the idea of hitch-hiking around the coast of the UK in thirty days. I've always enjoyed hitching, and the challenge seemed like a good way to get out there, meet the people and see the country which raised me, and achieve another my ambitions - to write a book. I've put this off primarily due to logistics - funding my trip, breaking my job for a month and paying my rent while I'm away.

Another of my seemingly unachievable ideas was to start a charity which promoted and facilitated the use of countryside walking to alleviate the symptoms of depression - a technique I've used myself to great effect and I've seen have benefit in others.

These two ideas seemed disparate and both quite distant, until a chat with a friend brought them together.

This weekend, I'm going for a planning meeting to start the process of getting everything together for the trip and starting the charity. I'll be using the hitch-hike as a fund-raising and publicity-gaining exercise for the charity and, of course, as a Great Big Adventure.

Any input, ideas or criticisms gratefully recieved.

Phew... I finally feel like I'm doing something with my life!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 9:42, 10 replies)

Building site.
We were working away, as were most of the crews, and one of the joiners forgot his tools. So, he set himself up as gaffer joiner, which basically entailed him wandering around for 10 hours a day, saying "Fuck 'em, have a fag", and chain smoking.
He did this for a couple of months, despite going home every weekend, and managing to forget his tools every time.
He actually ended up getting paid more than the other joiners for being the gaffer; for chain smoking, swearing and walking around. What a hero.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 19 Nov 2008, 9:36, Reply)

I've...
...still got a stack of Randomburn CDs to send out.

Sorry.
( gone, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 9:10, Reply)

I'll just drop this here as it seems quite appropriate this week.

( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 19 Nov 2008, 4:12, 3 replies)

I really don't like putting away the laundry.
I don't mind gathering it. I don't mind sorting it. I don't even mind washing it. In fact, I rather enjoy washing it and pulling it out of the dryer. I adore the warm, fluffeh, and clean smelling stuff. It's the folding, sorting, hanging up, and actual putting away that I don't like.

This means that I have a tendency to pile up the clean laundry on my bed then find other things to do as a way of avoiding putting it all away.....all the while hoping either my kids will put it away or a fairy will magically appear and deal with the problem.

For at least 4 years, my kids and I had empty closets and dressers while using my bed as a storage device. That left me stuck sleeping with the kids.

So what was my solution to end the procrastination and make it possible to sleep in my own bed again? Did I actually start putting the laundry away? Fuck no. I bought a new bed to motivate myself. I now store all the laundry on a bench and in various baskets. And on our far longer than necessary sofa. And on my favorite chair. I've even started keeping it in boxes.

I've been sleeping in my own bed for 3 months now. I'm so proud of my progress.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Wed 19 Nov 2008, 1:22, 7 replies)

Exactly one month ago,
I chucked Coke all over my laptop keyboard.
I popped off all the keys, and brushed out the brown goo with an old tooth brush and some Windex.
In the process, i broke the colon-slash key (the electronic contact underneath actually) and vowed to bring it into the shop to replace the keyboard the next day.

One month on, still haven't gotten off my arse and brought it in, still copypasting all my : and /.
:/
_{in my defense, the local Apple store has slower, more apathetic staff than the Ministry of Dull Paperwork.}
(Caustic Armadillo consists at least 30% out of custard, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 0:42, 4 replies)

Work
i've got the same job i had since work experience... 11 years ago.. nearly 12
i keep telling myself "i'll get a real job oneday"
( SkUG >_O i got a couple of stitches in my eyeball... ow, Wed 19 Nov 2008, 0:03, 2 replies)

i was going to take
2 paracetamol about an hour ago, but i sat here reading these replies instead.
now i've got a fucking blinder.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 23:44, 2 replies)

Sneezing with Chickens
Once when I was meant to be reforming my indestructible chewing gum, I thought it would be an economic idea to blow towards my false chicken. I had been doing this since my father painlessly constructed an olive when I was 4. It was a blood-curdling habit, but I allmightily kept on doing it. maybe - just maybe - it might shed light on why I always liked to tickle chickens.

It was then that my best friend Johnny "two earthquakes" Winchester called.

"Fancy going for a greedy pint at the Professor's Pencil?" he said.

I felt a bit embarrassed telling him about the chicken, so I made up an excuse:

"I'm sorry, but I'm currently up to my neck in slime bouncing some unsecured fungus"

"Oh well. suit yourself you bankrupt sneezer! It's Orally Infamous Night at the pub"

That did it. How could I possibly resist the ambiguous allure of Orally Infamous Night?

"Oh very well then. In for a conference, out for a chameleon..."

So off I went to the Professor's Pencil. Johnny was already oscillating with much baroque-ness.

"Hey, check her out" he said to me. "I bet she can transform with the best of them!"

"Your bloody-ridiculous totty-radar never ceases to barely amaze me."

"Go on. Talk to her." he said as he nudged me where my pacifier used to be.

I banally plucked up the courage to mentally leap the mustard of doom and approach her.

"Hey, I like your assembled transistor. It reminds me of my mother's doctor"

"Oh cool! I thought it resembled a doctor too."

Our eyes met. One thing badly lead to another, and before I knew it, I was in her non-existent bed.

"Oh tease me with that love-archaeologist you quintessential sausage" she said in a pope-like voice.

My archaeologist was by now the biggest archaeologist in the universe. I placed it far from her quivering walkman.

"Put it across me, oh you of the ancient chessboard!".

And so, I put it across her, but it was too much! Without warning, it happened. I came like a an alien with a multicoloured maths-teacher. I had enjoyed myself very much!

"Roast the quiet watermelon - for I have tippexed the whale!"

It was obvious she was disappointed.

"You surgeon-less pinhead" she sighed. "I was hoping you'd praise my sticky boys, but now, I'm left feeling like a barbecue. surely, setting my bum on fire would have been more entertaining. Now, how religious is that?"

And so, a fantastic silence fell over them. but at least it was a critical way of putting off reforming some chewing gum.


Length? Gradually dissected.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 23:14, 18 replies)

Cleaning out the car
I put off clearing out the car. It has in it a video recorder so I can watch videos I still own, 4 plant pots for my tomato plants......that have died because I haven't watered them very well.
Luggage from my trip to Pheonix this weekend.
All my fishing gear from opening weekend of trout season (Oct 31st).

I was planning on cleaning it out this weekend, but I got rear-ended by another car yesterday so it's now at the dealership getting fixed while I hobble around like a spacker. Unfortunately, my fishing pole broke in half upon impact, and the video recorder landed on the plant pots before cracking into 2 pieces.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 22:47, Reply)

I was supposed to be at work
it was malia this summer
my ginger wingman steve and i had made some friends in 2 innocent looking girls that came in the bar i work for for dinner every night as we had stopped the 2 sleazy old greek waiters that worked there in the day from sleazing all over them because they were so approachable and friendly and err MINDNUMBINGLY FIT


we arranged for them to come and meet us from work but they came early so we ran off from work an hour early and we went out for a bit. we were all a bit pissed and i ended up fingering the blonde on in the toilets in one of the other bars and noticed she was a bit tight.

We dared them to snog each other, they did and i INSISTED that steve and i take them home with us IMMEDIATELY and i was outside the bar on my moped within literally seconds. All four of us on my bike i slowly and tentatively rode my bike as carefully i could and we picked some stronbow up from our boss' kebabb shop on the way to steve's.

Within 20 minutes i was banging one while steve was banging the other in a double bed next to me. we did a lot of swapping and the sort as the blonde one was a bit unreceptive but seemed to be trying. I came into the dark haired more slutty one's mouth (that managed to fit both steve and my's penis into her spludge at one point)

steve snogged her after. We drank our bow, dressed and cleaned upnoticing BLOOD all over the bead and a bloddy hand print on the wall. The blonde had been a virgin. the handprint is still there to this day i swear.

I drove them to bananas (club) and we lost them eventually in town. i saw a girl i had been seeing for a bit that had fucked me off by text message that very day who i still kid of liked, she then proceeded to snog someone else right in front of me. nice (karma?)

I stormed off in a huff and drove towards home, as i went past the club where they have the foam party i noticed 2 other regulars from the bar coming out covered in foam. Uni types they were but quite fit

"come on girls I have towels at mine i'll dry you off etc.." they laughed and got on, i got xome curry and wine on the way, dried them off and proceeded somehow to fuck the both of them until the earlyu hours. I was exhausted. God i miss being tanned and beautifull



end


100% truth
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 20:49, 16 replies)

Disgusting again....
I have mentioned my friend before who likes to inform me of every disgusting and grimacing detail of his life....

I have many stories from this guy, in fact, I'm sure if I thought about it I could relate at least one disgraceful thing he has told me to all the QOTW's....

This is a story he told me of how putting things off, being complacent, a bit disgusting and a bit lazy can land you in trouble.

He used to go out with a girl, and let's just say I fucking hated her. He used to be with her all the time, and always used to stay at her house. He had mentioned before that if he needed a shit at her house he would try and hold it in as long as possible, as despite being open with his mates, he was quite shy around her, and in particular her parents house.

Anyway, one Saturday he is staying at hers, he's has been putting a shit off for ages, and ages and ages, before he can't hold it no longer, so he has gone to the toilet to relieve himself. Not to make her think he has had a shit he has rushed it as quick as possible, didn't wipe his arse properly as he is always to lazy to wipe his arse if he know's he's going in the shower, besides, he tells me it felt like a 'ghosty'. He then runs down the stairs and is in the back in the same time it takes to finish a piss.

They carry on watching tv when she decides to give him a bit of a surprise. The surprise being she starts tugging his trousers down to give him a blow job. He thinks nothing of it, gladly letting her give him head till the point he probably blows a load in her mouth as she was a bit of a slut if i recall. So he pulls his trousers back up and carries on watching tv.

Anyway, match of the day comes on and his mrs decides she dont want to watch it so she asks him to bed and he obliges. Well, he does until he turns back to see an eight inch long shit stain on her white linen sofa. As she has been giving him a blow job he has slowly been wiping his unwashed arse crack on the white sofa. He said he has never been so horrified so quickly diverts her attention and tells her he is gonna watch the goals and be up in ten. She grunts at him and says ok.

Off she trots to bed and my mate apparently had to get his toothbrush out on the stain and was there for 40 mins before he gave in and turned the cushion over.

The next week he visited her again as he did every saturday to find her parents had bought a brand b=new leather sofa and didnt say another word on the subject
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Tue 18 Nov 2008, 20:40, 8 replies)

In a slight reversal of this week's topic
And following our return from that there London after missing the train due to extreme procrastination (not on my part) and costing us £250 to stand like cattle on an overcrowded train for three hours...

We went to a Christening on Sunday, which involved a 50 mile journey to the church.

Despite setting off later than I had wanted, not only did we get there on time (including getting slightly lost on the way), we arrived 20 fucking minutes early!!!!

I hope this catches on... It'll do my blood pressure the world of good.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Nov 2008, 20:31, 7 replies)

I've had a
DVD from lovefilm, which I watched within 3 days of receivng, for over 3 monthsnow. I also have a letter to post from around the same time. The postbox is just down the street.

Surely it would make more sense for them to either come to my house and ask for it, or invent some sort of way i can post it from my bed.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 20:02, 2 replies)

My cousin
I've been at the same uni as him for the last two years. In that time I have seen him twice. This year I live at number 20, he lives at number 10. I keep telling myself I'll go say hi to him, but have I? Nope.

Oh well
(Urban Hermit Exit, pursued by a bear on, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 19:38, 4 replies)

I have...
sackfuls of pfennigs that ceased to be legal tender years ago,

a couple of boxes I still haven't unpacked since I moved in 10 years ago (I live in a one-room flat),

unopened letters and uncashed cheques from 15 years (half my lifetime) ago.

What's more, I have never managed to actually start revising more than 2 days before an exam, ever. Every year, for weeks at a time, I would religiously cut something from my revision schedule every day.

Most revision was done the day of the exam (the only times I've ever got up early). In fact, the three best results I ever got (including an A at A-Level) were written on a book and two plays I'd only half read.
(nugchuts, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 19:23, 1 reply)

Almost 5 years...
I once took almost 5 years to answer a QOTW - and that's my worst record ever.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 18:19, Reply)

i finally...
got my booze licence today - i can now shop at one of the very few off sales in dubai - they look like sex shops from the outside - ie blank, windowless shop fronts with no hint of what they sell

it took a month to process

i have been here 4 months

a crappy bottle of cheap wine in a crappy restaurant costs about 15 quid minimum

but still i waited 3 months before filling in the form and spent a FUCKING FORTUNE on crap wine with a 1000% markup in rubbish restaurants...

would sir care to smell the PLASTIC cork?

or would sir like to taste the wine (from a bottle with a bleedin screw cap)?

its not got a cork it CANT be corked you rabid cockeyed arsemunchers!

*does breathing excercises*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 17:43, 23 replies)

Sky movies has a lot to answer for
You know how many times I've seen 'National Treasure' simply because it was better than coursework or exam study? TOO MANY
(Zutroy started without you, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 17:33, 2 replies)

Keeping Outlook sent mail
In my old job (I worked there for over 8 years), I kept every email I ever sent. There were about 20,000 when I left. If I couldn't be bothered doing work, I would look at the email that I sent a year ago or 6 years ago, or whatever.

Alternatively, I would think up interesting searches, like analysing the frequency of emails that contain swear words over time. (Iirc they exponentially grew from 2001 to a peak at the end of 2006 then trailed off.)
(thrain, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:51, 2 replies)

I was "busy" in the yard...
...when SWMBO's caeserean stiches burst. Luckily the mother in law was with her, phone in hand, applying pressure with a towel in the other

...I just let them get on with it....

Soon the doctor belted through the door, laid her on the sofa and stitched her up there and then, telling her to stop doing housework.

The doctor nearly jumped out of his skin when I popped in to say goodbye, showing him the door.

Damn it, but the yard needed clearing, brushing, washing, all the furniture had to come out, the pots needed filling, the lawn needed a trim and the hedge neaded napalming AND I found a hole in the garage roof that needed patching, could probably do with a lick of paint......

And do I get any gratitude for all I've done? No! apparantly I should have done all of that as well!
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:35, Reply)

Nope
Try as I might, I can't think of a single example of my procrastination. I'm at the other extreme. Never missed a deadline, never late, never stayed up late while a student to finish an essay, always get straight to work when I have something to do. I handed in my MA dissertation three months early (the first in the uni to do so) and still got a distinction.

So you'll pardon me if I'm intolerant to the point of pathology about people who can't do anything on time. It's not procrastination - it's just idiocy.
(frankspencer, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:30, 4 replies)

Ooh, I've got loads of stories for this QOTW
Just need to fill in Sweary Jr's high school application first....

The closing date only 24th October - it'll still be ok.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 18 Nov 2008, 16:25, 2 replies)