2 Prawns
one called Christian & one called Paul. Busy doing what prawns do eating from the bottom of the sea. Paul is pretty sick of eating shit all day & hates being at the bottom of the food chain. Suddenly he uncovers a magic lamp.

*pop* genie appears

"THANK YOU FOR RELEASING ME, I'LL GIVE YOU ONE WISH" - boomed the genie

"I thought 3 wishes was the usual" replied Paul

"NOT IN THIS JOKE"

"ok then, well I am sick & tired of being at the bottom of the food chain. Can I please be a shark"

Pif pof poof - Paul is a shark.

Christian is terrified of sharks & swims away in fear. For the next week or so Paul is loving being a shark & does the jaws theme tune in his head almost all the time.

However after a while he starts to feel a little lonely. All the other animals swim away from him & he has no one to talk to. So he decides he needs to find the lamp again & unmake the wish. He spends the next 6 months searching the ocean floor & eventually finds the lamp, gives it a little rub with his fin.

*pop* genie appears again.

"I don't want to be a shark anymore" Paul whines.

pif pof poof - the genie undoes the spell.

So now Paul is swimming around on the bottom of the sea & sees his old friend Christian in the distance & shouts to him:

"Hey Christian!"

Christian hears Paul & assumes he is still a shark & swims away in fear.

"No wait!" begs Paul










"I'm a prawn again Christian"
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 3:35, 1 reply)

Q) What's the Italian for suppository?
A) Innuendo!
(IHaveTheRightToArmBears, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 2:35, Reply)

Q) What's the French word for dentures?
A) Apéritif !
(IHaveTheRightToArmBears, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 2:34, 1 reply)

Worst ever pun?
The other day I encountered a very ill rabbi vomiting in the gutter. Showing commendable initiative I collected some of the sputum in a saucepan. I took the saucepan to a nearby Abba concert and flung the contents over the lead singers.
I think they were being ironic when they replied "Thank you for the jew sick".
(mudskipper, Sun 8 Mar 2009, 0:01, 1 reply)

Don't EVER say this to a woman!
i am > ur x
and i will £ ur :

/coat
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 23:46, 1 reply)

Old Joke
There's a long rambling build up to this punchline:

"Now Hans that does dishes can be soft as Gervais, with Mild Green Hairy Lipped Squid"
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 23:45, 3 replies)

Not mine but...
Did you hear about that Chinese couple that had an albino baby?

Apparently two Wongs can make a white after all.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 23:34, Reply)

One for pass the pigs fans...
I know there's a few of you in.

Any disputes should henceforth be referred to as 'hambiguous.'

I thank you.
(kccat does NOT look like Joe 90, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 23:33, Reply)

England goalkeepers
A few years ago, people were still debating whether David James could live up to the standard of his predecessor.

Watching England playing against whoever it was on one of these occasions, a girl turned to me in the pub and (without a hint of irony) said:

"David James may pull it off from time to time, but the quality of Seaman is incredible."

i pissed myself.
(matES40, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 23:03, 3 replies)

Bindun?
If you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the precipitate.



Sorry, I'm a chemist.
/gets labcoat
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 22:50, Reply)

She was only a tarmac-ers daughter
... but she liked her asphalt.
(fatboybubba, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 22:47, Reply)

Q: Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
A: Because proper tea is theft, of course.
( bnt what, me worry?, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 22:27, Reply)

Two awful puns for the price of one!

A pigmy tribe lived in the high grassed savannah of deepest Africa. The grass is so tall that often they could not be seen even when stood upright. They were called the Elarwii as that is what they constantly proclaimed themselves to be – shouting “We’re the Elarwii” all the time whilst walking around in large aimless circles.

Anyhoo, the tribal leader had a fetish for collecting chairs from all over the world. Armchairs, recliners, high chairs, deck chairs, director’s chairs – you name it he had one. The problem is that he had limited space in the grass hut and so built an extra level on top of his hut and put most of the chairs up there. This worked well until the fateful day that he captured a neighbouring tribes ritual seat of power and put that in the straw attic as well. The structural support of the straw finally gave way flattening the chief in a gory splat. Clearly he should have known better because as we all know…


(Wait for it….)


Men in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones…
(jugglinbob Not giving a damn since:, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 22:23, 1 reply)

so long, and thanks for all the clicks.
sorry for the lack of puns.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 21:46, 1 reply)

Yet another Tommy Cooper classic..
"I went to this Chinese restaurant and the food was awful...

.. I complained to the waiter that the chicken was rubbery..

.. he said thank you very much"
( Signify, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 21:24, Reply)

Discount party food
I remember being at a friends 21st at his house a few years ago. His mother had a fine selection of finger food, sweets, biscuits and the like. She was quite proud of herself, not only because of the fine array of food on offer but also because she got it all for next to nothing in a well known German discount store.

She wasn't quite so happy when I blurted out "It's like Lidl house on the prairie around here" much to everyones delight. I tired to calm her down but she was having none of that either "But they all lived hap-Aldi ever after!"

Length? 2 for 1, quit your whinning.
(KnackerDwarf, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 19:44, Reply)

Darwin's Nerves
I attended a lecture recently celebrating Darwin's 200th. During this I learnt that although he had to present his groundbreaking theory to scientific institutions all over the world he never got accustomed to public speaking and could never get over his nerves. In fact he had to calm himself down before any talk by having a few quick G&Ts backstage beforehand.

I think that this must be where the phrase "the hurried Gin of the speeches" comes from.


(I’ll get my coat….)
(jugglinbob Not giving a damn since:, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 19:06, Reply)

Haydn
A friend once asked my dad why he liked Haydn. He half-crouched, in a pose he later identified as representing "sneaky," and replied: "because I don't like to be seen."
(zauron, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:52, Reply)

The German Philosopher Joke
Shall I tell you my joke about German Philosphers?

Yes?

Are you sure?

Really, really, sure?

Positive?

Don't want to change your mind?

(Continued ad nauseum…)

Punchline: I'm sorry, I. Kant.
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:48, Reply)

A Quick one....
My wife asked me for an innuendo, so I gave her one...
(jugglinbob Not giving a damn since:, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:44, Reply)

Lunch
Pete: 'Can you pass me the soduim chloride, I'd like to flavour my food'
*passes said condiment, spills all over Pete*
Me: 'You've just been assaulted.'

Bye
(Affero-Dolor made noodles using a cuppa soup on, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:39, Reply)

Australians
SYDNEY suburban paper The Inner West Weekly carried a report on the vandalism of a statue of Mary Poppins erected in a park by Ashfield Council five years ago. The statue has been regularly vandalised, but this time Mary’s umbrella was snapped off. The headline was terrific: “Super brolly a statistic, vandals are atrocious”.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:36, 1 reply)

You'll like this one (not a lot)
2 irish men on a building site.

Says one in a thick brogue: 'Oi Paddy, what's the difference between joists and girders?'

Says the other 'Well Mick, one wrote 'Ulysees' and the other wrote 'Faust'"

Ithankyouverymuch…
(chocmonster Failed to come up with a witty signature by, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 18:30, 1 reply)

"NOT" Best ever puns, but related
Two Jazz musicians on a train.... First guy says " I meant to say to the ticket clerk "A ticket to Pittsburgh please", and actually said " A Picket to Titsburgh please!"
How embarassing!
The second guy says, "I meant to say to my my wife, 'Please pass the marmalade'.....what I actually said was "You fucking Bitch, you've ruined my life"
(grumpynurse ,is playing minigolf on, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:36, Reply)

The people of Dubai
do not find The Flintstones funny, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:29, 4 replies)

George Michael
Is found face down floating in Barrymore's pool with chocolate smeared all aver his arse. The coroner decides the cause of death was a careless wispa.

*Gets coat*
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:25, Reply)

You would not believe the pride that coursed through me...
When I came up with this:

George Michaels bursts into a bakers, and starts throwing a complete shitfit.

"I bought this cake here the other day, and it's bloody awful. It's all lumpy and stuff."

The head baker examines it and then says,

"Ah, I see the problem here. We've got a trainee in and he hasn't done the eggs properly."

"Aha!" Exclaims George, "what you've got here is a careless whisker."

Thank you and goodnight.
(shinobiboabi, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:18, Reply)

Secret extract
"Ah, Harry," Remus Lupin folded his hands to rest down on his desk, brown eyes weary with the burden of what he had to tell him, "I'm afraid that young Miss Granger is correct. I am a werewolf."

Harry recoiled in both fear and disgust, anger flaring as his trust for his professor crumbled away underneath his clenched fists. "What?! Are you fucking serious?!"

Lupin's eyes closed just briefly in thought as he nodded slightly. "Yes, that too."
(Aruu does not put all her trust in root vegetables., Sat 7 Mar 2009, 17:13, 2 replies)

Many apologies for length
See comments, it's far too long for the board.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 16:51, 10 replies)

one for smokers with fat friends who ocassionally find themselves with no form of ignition
I have such a friend and upon asking me 'have you got a lighter mate?'

I hilariously reply with 'pretty much all of them you fat cunt'
(Heyzeus, Sat 7 Mar 2009, 16:39, Reply)