I once entered a pun competition...
...there were only nine other entries.

Can you believe not one of them won?

In fact, no pun in ten did.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 15:05, 2 replies)

Jamaica?
"My wife's gone to Poole."
"In Dorset?"
"Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone!"
(ragged, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:54, 2 replies)

Black Beauty...
He's a dark horse.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Actually, I do have a true story (I know, I am like the boy who cried wolf).
I must have been five or six.

It was "show and tell" at school, but I had nothing to show, so I said I had a poem to recite that my Dad had taught me.

So, I stood up, stood proud and started:



Ships on the water
Smooth as glass
I saw a monkey sliding on his

Ask no questions,
Tell now lies
I saw a chinaman doing up his

Flies are a nuisance
Bugs are worse
That is the end of my little verse.




Mrs Field was not happy with me.

and my Mum wasn't best pleased with my Dad when it was mentioned at parent/teacher evening either.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:48, Reply)

Bowled over with puns
While out bowling (what were we thinking?) with my buddies a few years back, one friend, we'll call him "Joe", made a rather lewd comment. The following ensued:

Friend A: Hey, that doesn't strike me as funny!

Joe: But, I... I was just...

Friend B: Joe, get your mind out of the gutter.

Joe: What? No, I...

Me: Yeah, spare us the filth, Joe.

Joe: I hate you guys.
(pukearrhea, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:45, Reply)

What do you do
When an elephant comes through your window?

Start swimming.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:42, Reply)

Since noone else has...
... I'd like to be the first to ask what we've done to deserve this QotW.

What could possibly deserve such punnishment?



/coat
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:38, 7 replies)

My mum smiling and gushing:
"Your father gave me a lovely pearl necklace last night."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:38, 5 replies)

All together now
I used to work in Chicago in an old department store
I used to work in Chicago, I don't work any more

A woman came into the store one day asking for a fast car

A fast car from the store?

A fast car she wanted, my hot rod she got

And I don't work any more.


I used to work in Chicago in an old department store
I used to work in Chicago, I don't work any more

A woman came into the store one day asking for a ruler

A ruler from the store?

A ruler she wanted, twelve inches she got

And I don't work any more.
(F1Monkey, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:35, 23 replies)

I was round this girls house
and she had an 8' lightswitch, that was a big turn on....
(djgalaxe, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Jenny
I'm not sure this is really a pun but here goes.

I used to go out with a girl called Jenny Taylor.

I dont know how this came into my dirty, depraved, disgusting mind.

I wondered if her surname was 'Talia' how quickly she would want to get married to change it.
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:33, 1 reply)

While watching "Come Dine With Me"
My wife was having a bit of a sneer at some cretins who thought a grilled Halloumi starter "Sounds a bit Chinese".

"Did you know, though", I said, "that actually most of the world's halloumi is made in Lancashire?"

"Haddaway, really?" she cries, credulous to the last.

"Noted for it" I say. "Have you never heard of the Blackpool Hallouminations?"
(richardm, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Double Entendres eh, Wembley?
You've asked for it, so I'm giving you one right now.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:29, Reply)

I have just
picked out a bunch of these at random to see if any make me laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:29, Reply)

I'm surprised this one wasn't up almost immediately...
I entered a punning competition a while ago; just to make sure I had a good shot, I put in five entries, which was the competition limit. I then cheated a bit, and put in another five under another name.

I was hoping to place in the top three, but no pun in ten did.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:28, 2 replies)

Not too many double entrendres as yet
I'd expect them to be coming thick and fast.
( Wembley, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:25, Reply)

pearoast sorry
What do you call a Lesbian Dinosaur??

Lickalottapuss.
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:24, 1 reply)

Apologies
What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Mega sore-ass.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:21, 1 reply)

The time I wished it was a pun...
I recently went to have a camera up my bum.

Not in one of those clubs down in Soho, no, at University Collage Hospital London.

The nurse has already sedated me so I'm drowsy and immobile. I'm laying on my side on a bed in a gown with my knees tucked up to my chin, my arse on show to the world.

The doctor walks in and shuts the door.

I'm nervous. "I hope you're not named Dr Death, or Dr Blood, ha-ha!"

The doctor slips on a pair of rubber gloves and approaches me:

"No, I'm Doctor Smith," he says in a soothing voice like silk. He gets very close to me, so very, very close. He leans forward and whispers in my ear: "But I have just locked the door, and I am going to anally rape you til you scream you're my bitch."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:16, 2 replies)

Books
"Riding bareback without a saddle" by Major Bumsore

"Falling off a Cliff" By Eileen Dover

"Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun

"Getting rid of urinary infections" by I.P. Freely


*groans at own post*

EDIT: remembered another:

"Strange Genitals" by Hoo Younikabolockoff"
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:14, 11 replies)

Puns
What do you call a Spaniard just out the hospital? Manuel.

What do you call a Scotsman halfway home? Hamish.

There's two birds sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Can you smell fish?"

There's two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

One time we were camping, but there wasn't much to do so we stayed in the tents. One wag said we might get arrested for loitering with intent.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Two 'DJ Name' related ones...
Before moving to Australia (hello Legless) I lived in West London near Ladbroke Grove and sometimes went to the Paradise Bar for comedy & music shenanigans. One evening there I met a guy whose DJ name was 'Duncan Disorderly'.

"Genius!" I thought to myself.

I told my mate this a few days later and he said he'd recently seen a poster in Brixton for a DJ called 'Jim'll Mix It'.

"GENIUS!" I exclaimed.

Fast-forward about three years (to 2005) and I'm out with some new-found friends, one of whom I get along really well with through shared love of music & comedy. I tell the story to the assembled throng and Jim (for that is his nom) says "That's me!"

I love both the puns, but wanted to tell the co-incidental story too.

Cheers all,

Chum G.
( Chum Gnomesky Nom Chompsky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:10, 2 replies)

For those of you in need of a little help:
pun   /pʌn/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [puhn] Show IPA noun, verb, punned, pun⋅ning.
–noun 1. the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.
2. the word or phrase used in this way.

–verb (used without object) 3. to make puns.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1655–65; perh. special use of pun, var. (now dial.) of pound 1 , i.e., to mistreat (words)

Related forms:

punless, adjective
Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2009.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:08, 3 replies)

Supporting the QOTW post (not a qotw answer)
I really like this QOTW.
Most QOTW's are asking for real life stories and there's always a couple of silly pun stories posted.

This week is different, it's a break from the norm. It lets everyone break out their pun librarys and see how many groans they can muster.

I expect to see 2 things this week. A bunch of reposted puns from previous QOTW's and lots and lots of links to: www.instantrimshot.com/

Thank you all.

(P.S. if you don't like the qotw suggest and vote for a new one here: b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/ )

*EDIT: for clarification

"A pun, or paronomasia, is a form of word play that deliberately exploits ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:07, 1 reply)

Dreadful
Years ago I had a friend with an odd hobby. He collected tractors.

Mind you, we did live out in the sticks, surrounded by farmland, so not a lot else to do, I suppose.

He had big ones and small ones, red ones and green ones, and everything in between.

And of course, all this machinery took a lot of space, so he had quite a few barns where he used to keep them.

(can you see where it's going?)

Over the years, he got bored of his collection, until one day he decided to get rid of the whole lot, and he set fire to them.

A neighbouring farmer visited us, and found him standing at the entrance to one of the barns, sucking the smoke out of the building to keep the fire burning.

"What are you doing?" asked the farmer.
"Well," he said, "You know how I used to love these machines?"
"Yep"
"Well, I've become an ex-tractor fan now."
(dchurch bah, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:07, Reply)

Aaargh!
A grasshopper hops into a bar, hops up on a barstool and orders a beer. The barman says "Hey! Did you know we've got a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper says "What, Kevin?"
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:05, 2 replies)

Four Candles
That is all.
(rockdoctor, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:03, 5 replies)

Telly
Did you know that the world origami championships are on Sky TV this year?

It’s going to be a paper-view event.

Or indeed, that I went to the headquarters of the RSPCA? Its tiny; You couldn’t swing a cat.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 14:03, 1 reply)