Sadly not mine but my favourite headline of all time
The story was concerning a supermarket that was being prosecuted by Trading Standards for buying expired or fake stock and reprinting labels for it. The headline?

The great mock ham roll swindle.

Pure class.
(paxvobiscum, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:27, Reply)

Two fallopian tubes had been going steady for a while
But one of them realised that it wasn't working out.

"I'm really sorry", she said. "But things are ova between us".
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:18, Reply)

Punning destroyed me
When I was a little Sinner, aged 11 at secondary school I managed to make myself a small group of friends - woohoo thinks I. Then however, I discovered the world of puns. I personally thought they were hilarious and being of above average intelligence, good at English, creative at thinking and very easily amused I took to them straight away. I found them absolutely hilarious.

The problem was, I became addicted, I had very little to add to my friends' conservations so they only time I spoke was to pun. Soon, I was left without friends, to try and survive secondary school alone.

When I arrived at college, I learnt to keep my puns in check, only letting them out if I felt they truly were hilarious works of genius.

My poor parents and boyfriend have to suffer puns when I see them, but that's only every few weeks (I'm away at uni and my boyfriend is at a different one).

On the phone to my boyfriend today:
me "I cut my thumb washing up, it's really deep and horrible"
him "you didn't cut anything important did you? Once my mum cut a nerve in her finger and had to go to hospital. I was surprised how calm she was"
me "I guess she didn't have the nerve to make a fuss"
(deadly_sinners, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:17, Reply)

I went to get a Mr Whippy from the local ice cream van
I found the van owner lying on the floor, covered in chocolate sauce, 100s and 1000s and there was a flake stuck in his head.

He'd topped himself.
(lolwhites, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:13, Reply)

Most nights at my house
If mushrooms are served

Dad: "Oh I don't know if I've got mush-room for all this food"

..and now I say it too. Groan.
(europe-who, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:13, 1 reply)

I was at an ATM
this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
(treaclebriggs, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:10, Reply)

Every single time we pass Gillingham cemetary on the train
"Oh look, it's the dead centre of Gillingham!"
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 21:02, 1 reply)

I once chopped up carrots with the grim reaper.
I was dicing with death.

(I think the works of Lee Mack and Tim Vine are going to be quoted quite often this week.)
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:47, Reply)

From pubs to puns
Our local pub has a quiz night every Sunday, and until a few years ago, it had my favourite challenge, which was 'Best Team Name'. I always enjoyed inventing a great topical team name, as it was a nice challenge, and a great ego-boost if I won.

Anyway, do you all remember a few years back, when Edwina Currie published her autobiography? She revealed she had had an affair with John Major while he was in office, which is not pretty imagery.

Thanks to that otherwise boring and disgusting announcement, I came up with the best 'fake headline' team name ever:

"Major Runs After Currie"

The pub groaned. I won.
( Awesome Welles petitioning for foetuses to be rebranded 'wombles', Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:47, 2 replies)

Q: Why did the cottage cheese ask for directions?
A: Because it had lost its whey.
( giant_squid, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:43, Reply)

[pearoast] The non-verbal way of doing things.
At the time, I was shy, but not as shy as I once was. However, I was starting to develop an unhealthy taste in masochism - in particular, I liked being whipped. To be honest, I wasn't sure if it was genuine masochism or a form of self-harm I inflicted on myself as a punishment for having spent so long being shy and missing out on many things in life. I was still a virgin at the time. Even asking for sex seemed beyond reach. Being whipped was something that only existed in my fantasies. I did own a whip of my own and would often give myself a good whipping. However, it would quickly get painful and I would find it hard to whip myself any harder. Only another person could take me past my pain threshold. Needless to say, I kept mum about the masochism fetish.

So one night, I was out at a nightclub. Usually, I went out with my mates. They had more luck with women than I did and would often pull easily leaving me all alone feeling sorry for myself. I enjoyed the music though so it wasn't all bad. Tonight was one such night. I was finishing off my pint and scanning the dance-floor. All of a sudden, someone caught my eye. It was the equivalent of a record-player needle being dragged across a record.

"What have we here?" I thought to myself as my eyes honed in on a girl in the middle of the dancefloor.

She was petite but a bit chubby. Not chubby enough to be cuddly, but she looked really cute. She had shoulder-length blonde hair tied in a ponytail and wore glasses that just added to her cuteness. She was wearing leather trousers, and a short leather top that exposed her pierced midriff. For some reason, I associated that leather look with Sadism. Not only was she cute, but she might just be into whipping. Her dancing just radiated "I want sex" but it was as if she was speaking to deaf ears. "Why don't those morons answer her?" I thought. Then it occurred to me - I too was one of the non-listening morons. With this realisation, I thought "Oh fuck it!" and got my behind onto the dancefloor.

I didn't know what to say, but I was enjoying the music (it was Shaggy's Oh Carolina), so I was dancing like a dancing thing. I moved just behind her. I had no plan, but there was the tiniest hope that she'd notice me.

In fact, she must have noticed me. I could occasionally feel her bum touching my leg. This was probably just accidental so I kept dancing. However, her fleshy buttocks would keep on making contact with my leg. Surely she couldn't keep having so many accidents all at once. I thought "what the hell!” and moved closer to her. This amazingly had the desired effect. She was having more and more 'accidents'. In fact, I could even fell the concavity of her bum-crack on my leg.

I also noticed she had a lovely scent. It was her pheromones, not her perfume. My cock was starting to gradually inflate. It wasn't stiff, but felt nice and tingly. She must have been telepathic. At this stage, she leaned forwards slightly, lifted her arse up a bit and ground it against my crotch.

My dick was gradually stiffening. That small area of her crotch seemed to have a life of it's own. It was as if all her focus had gone to that small area. At this time, I did not know much about the female anatomy (but even then, I knew the gap between the legs extended to the hairy bit, but that's besides the point) so thought the fanny was at the front nestling amongst the hairs - not between the legs. "Why would she be rubbing her perineum against me?" I wondered. But a few seconds later, it suddenly occurred to me - the centre of the grinding was happening on my increasingly stiff member. "Could it be that that was where the fanny was located?" With that thought, my willy quickly reached it's full length. While this was going on, she was adjusting her crotch grinding to cover the new bulge in my jeans. "She must be able to feel it expanding!" I thought to myself. “I wonder how that's making her feel, knowing it’s because of her?”

This went on for a while. Not a word was said between us. At first, I was thinking the shape of her crotch was due to the seam of her trousers, but then it occurred to me. This might actually be the outline of her labia that I'm feeling. And then, I thought that were it not for the clothes, I could just slip it in there and then. I just wanted us to be whisked away somewhere private leaving our wearerless clothes to collapse in a heap on the dancefloor. My hard stiffy was twitching like mad. She could feel it and she must have known damned well how I felt and what she was doing to me. By now, I was on autopilot. My hands reached out and started stroking her tits from behind. I had ever touched a pair of breasts at this stage, but even so, I instinctively knew that I had to caress them and not squeeze them, even though I always imagined I'd squeeze them. She did not seem to react in any way. "This is a good sign" I thought. Because I was stroking them slowly, it gave me some time to explore. I was facing her from behind, so I didn't locate the nipples immediately, but soon found them. They made conspicuous bumps in her leather top, and my fingers focused on the nipples - gradually circling around the base of the protruding bumps and occasionally stroking the tips of the nips.

This was getting too much for me. I could feel the vinegar strokes. And then, it happened. I came. The warm glow in my crotch quickly translated into a warm stickiness in my pants. The transition was so smooth it seemed natural. Unbeknownst to her, she had just given someone their first ever given-by-another-person orgasm. My virgin cock was starting to deflate. Soon after, the grinding stopped. I wasn't sure if she realised what had happened, or because the DJ put on a different song.

"Your place or mine?" She whispered. These were the first words spoken throughout the encounter. And then she winked at me. It had never occurred to me before just how sexy a wink could be. Even though we had practically been shagging on the dance-floor, the wink was still sexy. However, two things were on my mind. I had just come. Could I go for a "round 2"? Also, I was starting to think "But what if she stuck her hand in my pants? Ew!". These thoughts weren't doing my focus any good.

Without thinking, I just blurted out: "My place. I've got a whip".

"A whip?" she said. "Why would we want a whip?"

All of a sudden, I came face to face with my masochism. There was no hiding it now.

"I like to be whipped" I said.

"Oh my god! That's Sick! SICK! I could never do a thing like that!".

Without warning, she walked away. The music was still playing in the background, but in my mind, it was blocked out. I had ms-judged her. Not only was she not into that sort of thing, but it repulsed her completely. I just wanted to kick myself using one of those contraptions you see in cartoons with a boot attached to a piece of string that you pull to kick yourself in the arse. I was not in the mood for any more dancing. I just went straight home.

When I got back, I was feeling sorry for myself, so I sat down and whipped myself. When I reached my pain threshold, I cried. I wasn't sure if it was the pain from the whip, me messing up at the club, or if I was just frustrated at being unable to pass my own pain threshold. This continued until I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up. I was still holding the whip in my hand. I had what could best be described as a whip-hangover. I was aching all over from the whipping I administered myself, but inside, I ached more. I had done this so often that the aching no longer felt painful, but my mind still hurt. Who was this mysterious girl? I didn't even know her name. I decided to name her 'Carolina' after the song we were dancing to. It was now breakfast time. I placed a pot of yoghurt down onto the table next to the whip. The composition of the resulting image formed an interesting juxtaposition in my groggy mind. Feeling desperate, I wondered to myself...

"Will yoghurt whip me?"

_Next...
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:42, 1 reply)

Team names for tube challenges
Every so often myself and a group of friends head up London way to try and visit London Underground stations in a certain perameter in as quick a time as possible.* These get about as competitive as geeks get, even down to team names. I've had several things thrown at me for these suggestions:

Devons Road how they make it so creamy
Stairway to Holborn
Frankie Goes To Chorleywood
Uxbridge Over Troubled Water
Back In Blackfriars
The Only Way Is Upminster

*We're actually attempting to do all 270 stations in one day dressed as superheroes next Friday for Red Nose Day. Explanation here if you're curious, and go here if you're feeling generous enough to chuck a few quid in the donation pot.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:41, 8 replies)

- I went to a concert on the south coast.
- In Dorset?
- No, it was pretty terrible actually.


- I bought presents for some relatives in a western-European country.
- France?
- No. Fr'uncles.


- I went to the Danish capital, and someone put me in a cannon made entirely of dry grass.
- Copenhagen?
- No, I must admit I panicked.
( giant_squid, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:35, Reply)

Let me see....
Walked past my colleages at work carrying a portable fan.

"Just one of my many fans," I said.

Also my favourite joke of all time:

Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Double-Entendre. So he gave her one.

I never get tired of that joke.
(Nitrous Nitrous, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:32, Reply)

-I brought home some cattle from the Jewish holy city.
-Jerusalem?
-No, I bought them fair and square.
( giant_squid, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:30, Reply)

so anyway


Holmes shoves a large fish up Watsons hole.

WHAT THE FUCK ! Exclaimith Watson...

A yellow manta ray my dear Watson, a yellow manta ray...



I think I'm going to take the week off b3ta now...
(The Cats Twat, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:26, 1 reply)

sorry in advance. (my no threads month does not stretch to QOTW, btw.)
never invite a mad scientist to a housewarming party.



they take the term too literally.
(venort apparently exists, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:22, Reply)

It works better if you read this out loud
I purple man lived in a purple house in a purple forest. He had 3 purple children and a purple wife to support but very little purple money so he decided to go purple hunting. Unfortunately the purple forest he lived in belonged to a purple king. The purple man hid behind a purple tree with his purple bow and purple arrow and waited until a purple deer came along. He shot the purple deer but as he was preparing to take it home to his purple family two of the purple king's purple guards came out from behind some purple bushes and arrested him.

The purple guards took him to the purple king's purple castle. It had huge purple walls and an imposing purple keep. The purple portcullis dropped and the purple guards dragged the unfortunate purple man across the purple drawbridge. He was immediately brought before the purple king. The purple king looked down at him sternly from his purple throne. He listened to what the purple guards had to say and then declared “You have no right to steal purple venison from my purple forest. You will be thrown into my deepest, darkest purple dungeon”.

The purple jailor was called. He was a huge purple man wearing purple leather clothes, with a purple chain wrapped around his purple waist. He had an enormous purple bunch of purple keys hanging from the purple chain, and a large wooden purple club in his purple hand. “Follow me”, he said, in a grating purple voice. The purple guards dragged the poor purple man off, following the purple jailor.

The purple jailor pulled aside a purple tapestry to reveal a purple doorway, then lead them along a purple corridor, down a steep, tight spiral purple staircase, into a large purple chamber. It was purple dark, with flaming purple torches illuminating the dank, dripping purple walls.

All along the purple walls were heavy purple oak doors, bound with thick purple iron bands. Each purple door had a small purple grill set into it at purple head height, and a large purple keyhole. The purple jailor indicated a purple door and selected a purple key from the purple bunch at his purple waist. He inserted the purple key into the purple lock. He turned it with a squeaking purple sound of purple metal on purple metal and pushed the purple door open, with an ominous purple creak. He turned to look at the poor purple man, with an evil purple grin on his ugly purple face. He opened his purple mouth to speak, and said, “Indigo”.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:20, 2 replies)

Jail time sucks even when you're a famous athlete...
I hear Marion was jonesing for some steroids!
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:14, Reply)

I would take part but I just recieved some sad news
My friend was out train spotting and got run over by a train.
:-(
Chuffed to bits, he was.

Oh, its been done :-(
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:10, Reply)

arf
An aquaintance of mine once threw a ceramic gnome out of his bedroom window at us to which my portly friend quipped:

"That's bad for your elf"

He says he had waited 20 years for such an opportunity to arise.

You couldn't make it up...
(wrigglesworth, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 20:00, Reply)

here's one I stuck on the main board yesterday :p

*words on a pic lolz*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:59, 3 replies)

The best prog-rock band with animal members that was never formed:
Henerson, Hake and Llama.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:56, Reply)

This is too easy.
I'm not playing.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:55, 7 replies)

I recently hosted a 'come as an emotion' fancy dress party..
...the turn out was good and pretty varied, we had a lady come dressed all in pin, covered in feathers being 'tickled pink', another chap wore just green clothes, topped off with a tshirt showing the 14th and 21st letters of the alpabet was 'green with envy'.

Anyway, it was going with a swing when at one AM there was a knock at the knock at the door and I was confronted by two stark bollock naked Irishmen demanding entry.

'You can't come in' said I 'you're not in fancy dress.'
'Ah to be sure we are' said the first Irishman, whose cock was dipped in a bowl of some kind of yellow dessert made from milk, cream, eggs and sugar 'y'see I'm fockin' disgusted'
'OK' I said 'what about your mate here?' I indicated his fellow countryman, whose penis was inserted into some kind of pulpy fruit.
'Ah he's deep in dispair'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:54, 1 reply)

Achtung! Baby!
I can't stop calling my 2-month old daughter my Little Mothersucker.

I've been kicked out of two breastfeeding groups for it...
(psd eats stuff. Often., Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:51, 1 reply)

Just heard the terrible news...
Harrison Ford's been beaten up by a couple of thugs in costume, one dressed up like Che Guevara, the other like Stonewall Jackson.

Worst thing was Harrison's only found out earlier this week he's losing his hearing (he is getting on a bit). He didn't even hear them coming...

Can see the headline now...

Rebel alliance attacks deaf star...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:39, 1 reply)

My foots gone to sleep...
I think it must be comatoes.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:25, Reply)

A real life story
Not sure how well it'll translate into words, but here goes.

To pass by long and boring physics lessons at college, a friend and I, with similar music tastes, would take it turns to draw pictures trying to express song names in as elegant and obscure a way as possible. Obviously, the more obscure and elegant the better.

I can't remember a lot of what we drew, but my proudest moment came one rainy friday afternoon when I came up with possibly the ultimate in pictorial punnage.

The Cat Empire have a song called 'One Four Five' (so named, I believe, because that was the chord progression). So, I mulled for a while, how best to depict this title in pictures?

A little more mulling, then aha! I had it.

I drew, amateurishly (drawing has never been my strong point) a stick man with a sombrero and a droopy moustache, followed by a heart, then a map of the UK with an arrow pointing to a region of Scotland on the east coast, about half way up.


clearly, it was [A mexican called] Juan 4 Fife.

He got it. The bastard got it.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 5 Mar 2009, 19:11, 1 reply)