Almost forgot...
"Ere love, me mate wants a blow job."

"Well give 'im one then you tight bastard!"
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 13:02, Reply)

A few years ago I used to get the train to Chelmsford along with about a bajillion other commuters. Getting out of the station every morning was made slightly more bareable by the guards leaving the wheelchair access open and glancing at tickets held up by passengers as they hurried through. One morning there was a new face on duty and the wide gate was closed. It was taking far longer than usual for us to get out to the street as more and more trains pulled in.
I witnessed at least half a dozen people ask the guard why the gate was closed as they each got to the barrier and with a withering look he would just silently tap the automated barrier and refuse to provide any reasonable answer.
When I got to the fron I said "Excuse me mate, I have just a small piece of advice for you. When paying customers ask you a reasonable question it would be polite of you to give them a reasonable answer". This was completely ignored and as I got to the other side of the barrier I finished with "Otherwise people might think you're an ignorant cunt".
Thereby easing my frustration without 'actually' calling him an ignorant cunt :)
(Stig2k, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 12:47, 2 replies)

I have great friends
They help me to anticipate the next QOTW.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 12:38, Reply)

whilst myself and my friends were discussing our favourite parts of female anatomy whilst drunk
Mate one: "im a leg and arse man myself"
Mate two: "im all about the tit brothers you know that"
mate one: points at me and because i havent answered fast enough says
"youre just a cunt....man" and orders another drink
(Cov Boy, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 12:18, 3 replies)

you are about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit

(Cov Boy, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:52, 4 replies)

Weird Science
One of my favourite put downs in from Weird Science.

Dino: Tell me something. What's a beautiful broad like you doing with a malaka like this? Huh?
Lisa: It's purely sexual.
Dino: No shit.
Garry: She's into malakas, Dino!

Next time you insult someone try calling them a Malaka :-)
(AdmiralPellaeon, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:45, 1 reply)

"Gary, shut the fuck up and get on with some work"

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:24, 15 replies)

Pony and Crap
On holiday in Egypt last year we found the constant hassle by “Calesh” (carriage) drivers annoying. They were everywhere and followed you everywhere constantly bantering you with “Calesh, calesh, calesh, you know the price? Cheap as chips, lovely jubberly”etc, etc ad infi-bloody-nitum.
One evening a persistent Calesh driver followed as for ages and asked “Why you walk?” I replied that I like to walk. The Calesh driver replied quoting the Bangles hit of years ago “Walk like an Egyptian”!
Somewhere in the back of my mind, cogs started turning and I was able to recall the smattering of Arabic that I hadn’t used for twenty years or so. I replied “Ana maHshy mithl Ar-rajul Ingleezi!” (I walk like an Englishman!)
The Calesh driver chuckled heartily, leaped off his Calesh and gave me a high five, before pulling away and leaving us in peace.
( Vambo, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:13, 1 reply)

I don't know if this counts as a put down
But a mate of mine had his car stereo stolen. They didn't take the cassete tape that was in the stereo, adding insult to robbery.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 11:05, 10 replies)

Another slap-down of a cold caller
A colleague at work used to get calls for a non-existent employee. At least once a day, his phone would ring and some drone in Mumbai would ask to speak to this mythical person. Despite repeatedly telling them that this person didn't work here, had never worked here and was completely unknown at this number, they kept calling. His normally cheerful demeanor was beginning to crack.

So I suggested a different approach. The next time they called, it went something like this:

"Hello, could I speak to Mr Nosuchperson please?"

"I'm sorry, he's dead."

"Er, did you say dead?"

"Yes. I just killed him."

"I'm sorry?"

"I just killed him. He's lying dead at my feet. There really is a lot of blood, more than I expected."

"...*click*"

They never called back.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 10:46, Reply)

When I was at school the grossly overweight French teacher ran a weekly caption competition
Each week a picture would go up in his form room and all students were welcome to post caption suggestions, generally ranging in quality from "potential Bruce Forsyth joke writer" to "future employee of The Sun".

This being a private, all-boys' school, we took mirth and humour wherever we could find it, and gathering around the notice board to read the entries was a popular pasttime. Winning said competition was quite the badge of honour. Consequently, one week I REALLY went for it, posting 15 or 20 separate entries. None of which were very good.

We all awaited the announcement of the winner with far greater eagerness than was deserved. With so many entries, I was absolutely convinced this was my week. Then the announcement was posted;

NOT AWARDED.

Nothing funny was said. Especially not by D. Foxtrot of class 10C.

The humiliation was crippling. In the company of many unfunny fuckwits, I'd been outed as the least amusing of all. I'd drawn attention to my own lack of humour by overdoing the LOLarious entries. And everyone looked forward to the winner being announced each Thursday, and consequently were all poised to pass cruel comment as soon as it was.

This story is actually entirely true, similarities to A Vagabond are totally coincidental and hilarious
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 10:13, 2 replies)

pride comes before a major fall....
Our usual group of lads and girls in the uni bar, as it's late on the conversation is well south of the gutter, somehow we end up comparing penis size in terms of wildly inaccurate metaphors.

In response to a severe and unfair under-rating of my man-bits by my mate, I declare drunkenly to all and sundry "Like the Titanic, more like!"

To which my other mate's girlfriend replies "Didn't that go down on it's maiden voyage?

No length joke, obviously.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 9:40, Reply)

During an argument,
my then-girlfriend shouted at me "I'm sick of your pedanticness!" Without thinking I replied "Pedantry."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 9:27, 26 replies)

My electronics tutor
used to call me a waste of white skin
(goonbreath, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 7:50, 3 replies)

Tomorrow is my birthday & the the 1st year I haven't celebrated it with my besty
who managed to top himself around this time last year.
& the universes' snappy comeback to me for that is?
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 7:46, 10 replies)

Charity Cold Callers.
My stock response is - "I make it a rule not to donate to any charities that I do not chose myself".
The best response was only a couple days ago.
She said - "That's an unusual attitude, how do you justify that to yourself?"
"Oh that's quite easy - I only give money to charities that I chose. Not charities that try to solicit money from me. Whether it's on the phone, in a shopping centre or online."
"However, if you would like to donate some money to the "Inaugural Ringo Fyre Fund" I can give you the bank account details."
"The fund was setup to cover the costs incurred by the time taken by the main beneficiary to deal with calls from other charities. All donations over $2 are tax deductible."
That's the most elaborate I've had to go - but usually stops 'em dead.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 5:14, Reply)

Beware of search engines
I started typing "neuroscience" in Google today and the first result was "neuroscience for kids" so I pointed this out to my colleagues. "Oh, it must have known it was you searching!" quipped one of them.

Hilarious.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 23:02, 4 replies)

Those 'Microsoft technical support' fake phone calls.
As I'm concerned they're fair game so I always try to do something silly to put them off their stroke, as it were.

I hit upon an absolute beauty though. Making animal noises at them really upsets them.

When I make my chicken, pig and cow noises they start to shout at me and put the phone down. They occasionally even phone back to have a go at me at which point I tell them to fuck off and stop trying to con me. Then I hang the phone up feel so smug it's surprising a croissant doesn't spontaneously appear in my hand
(teasus likes tea, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 22:56, 9 replies)

Walking home from school with a big boned friend
Him, miserable and downcast on the walk.

Me: 'Chin up Dan'

Me, as he does so: 'No, the other one'
( applehead herp derp, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 22:32, 4 replies)

Total crap
My A-level music teacher was a thoroughly unpleasant man, but very, very funny. It was his first job teaching in a school after years of running a few youth orchestras and a big Saturday morning music school, and one of the things he just couldn't get his head around was the amount of admin work he was expected to do as a school teacher. Like all teachers he hated doing it, but unlike the rest of them he pretty much refused to do it at all. Getting him to take a register at the beginning of each lesson, or file end of term reports, was the bane of his head of department's existence.

On this occasion, she’d managed to get him to do the reports, but they weren’t to her satisfaction. One of them in particular fell well short of what might be considered acceptable. There was one boy who’d barely turned up to any lessons, hardly turned in any homework, and was heading towards failing his exams. His report for the term consisted of a single word:

Crap.

“This is unacceptable!” the boss railed. “You can’t just be randomly abusive like that without any explanation - we need constructive criticism. You need to go into more detail.” So he amended the report. It now read:

Total crap.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 21:56, 2 replies)

"oh how cute is that?"
"What?"

*she points at my groin*

"it looks just like a penis. Only much smaller."

may be or not be a true story.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 21:46, Reply)

Devastating?
Really? You call that, devastating?
(Jugular, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 20:43, 1 reply)

In high school...
I went to the men's room after cafeteria where a friend of mine had just told me a really funny joke. At the urinal, I started chuckling at the punchline out loud. An upper classman came in, saw me giggling and said, "Deal with it, don't laugh at it."
(DeSade - is grannyfappin, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 19:59, Reply)

Football horror
So I play 5-a-side, have done for years. I was never the best player but played a decent standard. I was playing one time against a side called The Daddies, and they were a really good side - technically gifted, strong in the tackle, brutish. But decent.

So we're playing well, it's a close game and we're having to play at our best to compete, me especially.

Ball falls to me about halfway - I carry it on ten yards and line up to strike the ball. "Don't worry" their skipper shouts as he closes me down. I shoot, harmlessly high.

"That one's SHIT" he finishes



Left me in the gutter
(mulborough, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 19:24, 1 reply)

"Mr Churchill, you are drunk."
"Oh, yes."
"Fuck off you annoying prick."
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 19:00, 1 reply)

Lilly Langtree
Apparantly the following exchange took place between her and Prince Edward

"I've spent enough on you to build a battleship,"

whereupon she tartly replied,

"And you've spent enough in me to float one"
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 18:44, 3 replies)

"Mr Churchill"
"You are drunk"
"I may be drunk Madam, but I also have a knife, now strip you harlot!"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 17:29, 1 reply)

Years ago on Usenet
alt.amiga I believe, or a variant.

"I've eaten salad that could come up with a better argument."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 17:24, 3 replies)

Recently at work.
A colleague at work was trying to be motivating...
"Remember, there's no "I" in team"

"No, but there's a "U" in cunt."
(CheeseyPeas, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 16:53, 13 replies)