A pea about getting chatted up as part of a ladette wind-up.
There was a gaggle of loutish girls at the bar and I sensed that they were trouble. There was a lot of giggling amongst the group and one of them approached me.
She wasn't nice at all, she had a massive nose, so big in fact that she could've smoked a cigar in the shower and not get it wet.
Her opening line was, "Do I know you? You look like someone off the telly." followed by a glance back towards her mates with a smile.

My reply was "No, but you look like someone off the telly."

"Who?"

"Cyril Sneer. Bye."
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 11:00, 1 reply)

Howzat?
As a student I was temping in a local family-run firm during the summer holidays. The Managing Director was a jovial chap and always seemed up for a bit of banter with his employees.

One Thursday night I'd been sat in one of the village pubs with some of my college friends when the cricket team walked in. Both the MD and my Dad had been playing and by all accounts the club had lost pretty badly, including my boss being caught out for a "Golden Duck"*. I let them drown their sorrows in a few pints of fine ale and returned to finish the evening with my friends.

It wasn't until the next day that I realised my boss had paid any attention to who I was out with. One of my pals had been wearing a studded collar and chain, not often seen by the regulars of the Bull and my boss had obviously clocked this. He must have expected me to be embarrassed when he walked passed me the following morning with a bit of a swagger and said "Woof Woof".

My retort?
"Quack quack."

That took the battery out of his milkfloat.

*A Golden Duck is where a player is dismissed for no runs on the very first ball they face. /cricketfact
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:55, Reply)

Not the shortest. (And, if you do believe in God, I have no qualms with that!)
There's a place to try to convince me of my wrongdoings and find spiritual peace. It is NOT my doorstep. Especially with two young kids weaving in and out of my legs. I will entertain you, briefly. I will remain indifferent to your cause. BUT, if you press me, I will retort.

So, to the harridan who refused to give up, I would like you to return to my door, where I would be happy to explore the emotions I seem to have brought to light on your last visit.

"God, God God etc."

"So, what was it that made you find your God? You see, in my limited experience, every person I've seen in your position has had to sink to the lowest depths in order to be in such a state that your God is the only avenue left. For some it's been drugs, for others prostitution, and even one of my direct family has been affected by alcohol only to 'find' God. My point is, no-one I know has found God by informed contemplation. So, what was it with you?"
She hasn't replied to me yet, so I have no idea what her motivations actually were.

I alienated my entire family, from extended family. After the death of a close one, the various relatives you never see came out of the woodwork. Having never met them, I was a bit disappointed to be grilled over dinner as to my religious leanings, and how important they were. I could see my side of the table (immediate family) getting a bit freaked out by the over zealousness of this aunt, who asked me what my thoughts on God were.

"Well," I managed, through a mouthful of wake-food, "I think God and religion have been a most effective way of controlling the masses for many years."
That shut them up. In fact, we haven't spoken since.

As to my disclaimer in the title, by all means, believe what you have to to get you through this life, please don't try to convince me that yours is the only way. I don't mean to offend, after all, you haven't offended me, yet.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:51, 7 replies)

"Shit Sandwhich"
Best album review ever.
( Victor Meldrew, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:39, 9 replies)

Tobacco shills
I run a blog about medical ethics, and last week I put up a post tangentially related to the BMA's proposal that smoking in cars be banned.

Most posts on the blog attract few comments, if any. This one attracted a deluge of shills for the tobacco industry. It didn't take long for the Godwins to appear, either: since the Nazis used terms like "public health", that means (apparently) that public health is morally suspicious, and anyone who talks about public health is a Nazi.

So it was that one respondent accused me of being a Marxist, fascist, Nazi sociologist.

Marxist I can accept. I'm much less happy about being called a fascist and a Nazi. But to be called a sociologist... Ugh. That's just nasty.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:36, 28 replies)

My Freind
Gareth had started seeing a large lady, my other friend Jonsey asked him:
"Christ, Gareth shes fat, why are you seeing her?"
Gareth came back with the best answer ever:
"I like fat girls, because everything feels like tits."
(Orkstomper, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:35, 2 replies)

A pile of my friends and family went over to Las Vegas to watch me getting hitched to the now Mrs Airman Gabber
On a packed monorail between the Luxor and Excalibur hotel in Las Vegas, one of our mates inadvisably whispered something mildly insulting to Ginge, my Best man. Barely a moment passed before Ginge turned round to face my mate and in a voice that could clearly be heard by everyone asked,"So, Phil. Has that rash cleared up yet?"

The rest of us totally lost it for about 5 minutes as a space opened up around a beetroot red Phil.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:30, Reply)

Is it Love?
A good friend (Cheers Ben) related this little gem to me some years ago...

He'd started seeing a very cute young goth girl, it was never going to go anywhere and he was very much enjoying the moment. It had only been 2 weeks, but one night after having a bit of a cuddle (ahem) she asked him "Do you love me?"

He paused, sighed a little and said exasperated, "My dear, I've had longer relationships with a bowl of fruit!"
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:25, 3 replies)

Linguistics lecturer
Lecturer: "In most languages, two negatives make a positive. 'I do not dislike this' means I like it. However, the opposite is not true. Two positives do not make a negative."

Shouted from back of lecture hall: "Yeah, right"
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:21, 6 replies)

Andre Gide
"Sometimes you must permit people to be right. It consoles them for not being anything else."
(theremin put the lotion in the basket on, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:18, Reply)

Smelly old pearoast
Went to see The Mighty Boosh at Manchester Apollo a few years ago. The lovely Julian Barratt is on stage, playing 'Rudi' the psychadelic monk.
Some cheeky charlie from the circle bellows an almighty heckle.
Julian's retort?

"Do not shout at me, or I will come at you like a bag of cocks"
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:13, 4 replies)

Time to decide...
When I was doing my PhD, my department ran a couple of weekly research seminars. On Mondays, there'd be an invited speaker from another university; on Thursdays, it'd be a research student from within the department. There was an expectation that each research student would give a paper each semester on their work in progress. The idea was that you'd speak for 30 minutes or so, and then there'd be another hour to 90 minutes or so of questions. The audience at both seminars would be other research students and members of staff.

Now, the thing to note about philosophers is that they can be extraordinarily rude to each other. Things might be the same in other disciplines - but I think that philosophers have a reputation for being the worst of the bunch. As such, the Q&A sessions could be quite bruising. Obviously, we'd all go to the pub and then for a curry straight afterwards, and there was a generally accepted rule was that there were no holds barred in the seminar room as long as what was said in the room stayed there; nevertheless, this two hours could be very, very painful for the speaker - especially if the speaker was inexperienced. Two or three years in, and you'd be fine... but people new to the game really could suffer.

Inevitably, my turn came around. I'd put it off for as long as possible, but I was going to have to say something about my research. The paper I gave was, in retrospect, terrible. Desperate to make an impression, and irrespective of the fact that I only had a couple of months work done anyway - most of which had been spent reading (and reading in a fairly undirected manner at that) rather than generating anything of my own - I tried to do far too much, and managed to combine being too-clever-by-half with not-being-nearly-clever-enough. I still cringe when I think about it.

It was received with utter, utter, stony silence. The quiet lasted maybe 15 seconds, but it felt like six or seven years.

And then, very slowly, one of the other students put down his cigarette and raised his hand. Twelve years later, his words are still scorched on my memory.
"Enzyme," he said, "From what I understand of your paper - and, believe me, it's not much - it's either utterly trivial or completely false. Which of those is it?"
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:07, 7 replies)

At a management meeting
where I worked for my first job, the subject of recruitment was raised.

Adrian, a prim and proper gent a couple of years off retirement, decided to take a dig at Tim, who could be painfully rude and funny, by saying "We'd better not advertise in New Civil Engineer, because that's where we got Tim from."

"And if unless we want another Adrian, we'd best not advertise in Woman's Weekly" was his reply.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:07, Reply)

A pub conversation
I asked this bloke what he did for a crust. He told me he kept his undies on for a week.

I still talk about that 20 years later.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:05, 1 reply)

Not mine... Cyanide & Happiness
I've been looking for the link but I'm not wading through all 2500 strips to find it...

"Love you"
"Love you more!"
"Yeah, probably"

:D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:04, Reply)

It's Movember time
"I'm the one with hair round my lips, but everything you say sounds like it's come from a cnut"
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 10:01, Reply)

I can see your mouth moving and am aware that you are trying to make a point but all I can hear is "blah blah blah blah"
one of my mates to another during a lengthy enxplanation.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:55, 1 reply)

Heckler vs Jimmy Carr in Stoke on trent a few years ago.
At some point in most of his acts (we've seen him on several tours at this venue) he usually asks the audience to ask him questions. This time, after a few of the usual questions that Jimmy has an witty, smug or fantastically offensive answer to, this weirdo stands up and asks,"Why did you sue your father and get him arrested?"

There was a deathly silence from the audience followed by some confused titters as Carr stood silent, his face then cracking into rage rather than humour. He beckoned security and the guy was escorted out of the room.

Before they had left the room though, Jimmy called them back, apologised to the man for his knee-jerk response and said he could stay saying that anyone who pays 30 quid to embarrass him was welcome and he'd enjoy spending his £30 a little bit more than the rest. Which broke the tension and got things rolling again.

Sorry for lack of funnies but it was probably one of the best and worst heckles I've ever heard (mis)handled by a professional comedian.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:48, 2 replies)

All the lads were sitting in the smoking room...
This was in a factory I used to work in, back in the days when it was socially acceptable to sit inside and smoke. It was the mid morning tea break and was heaving when in walks Dave. He's just had a haircut which Rob who was sitting on the chair happened to notice. Now it should be noted that Rob had the most god awful teeth known to man. Crooked, smoke stained yellow protrusions that made him look like he'd had his teeth replaced with rotten bits of corn. So typical working class English teeth in every way.

So as Dave sits down Rob took it upon himself to comment on his new haircut loud enough so the whole room could hear, "Oi, Dave. I hope you didn't pay the cunt who did that to your hair".

Quick as a flash Dave shot back, "Yeah, well at least my hair will grow back. Your teeth fucking won't".
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:45, Reply)

A fellow Honours student wrote in his thesis acknowledgement
Thanks to Jim Allen (lecturer), but for his interference this thesis would have been finished in half the time.
(boozehound is drinking your bar dry, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:44, 3 replies)

From my three y/o cousin
Our grandpa has problems with his ears and over the summer went almost entirely deaf. My cousin was a bit put out because he fell asleep in the lounge, and then wouldn't wake up no matter how many times she said, "Granpy? Granpyyy?"

She enlisted the help of babysitting Sivvus, who absentmindedly said, "Just poke him, he just can't hear you." This worked.

A few days later, when her mum came to pick her up, she poked her, grinned evilly and recited what she'd learned over her holiday: "It's rude to poke people but it's okay to poke old people because they're deaf."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:43, Reply)

There's a joke about spastics and athletics here but I can't yet work it out.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:31, 2 replies)

A four-year-old repost...
Shooting the breeze with a colleague, I added to some innocuous comment the plainly ridiculous suffix, "Because I'm street like that." My colleague looked at me, looked at my cardigan, and said with disdain, "More 'avenue', actually."

I couldn't argue.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:29, 1 reply)

Music ones
"What kind of air are you blowing down that flute?"

(After a terrible Tchai solo)
Conductor: What the hell was that?
Musician: (deadpan) Jazz.
(Variation on that one for the geeks: "Tippett".)

Two conductors bickering before a concert, one talking about how his technique is better, and how he trained for decades to perfect his upbeat. The other, "Yeah? Well my baton is longer than yours."

"We need a new drumstick. Try (player's) oboe. You'll probably get a nicer sound out of it."

"Mozart was buried a few hundred years ago. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the sound of him decomposing."
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

Two as reported in the Herald diary
First, a German tourist sees a wee Glesca wumman skelping her wean's lug in Central Station.
German tourist: In Chermany ve do not beat children.
Glasgow wumman: Is that right hen? Well, in Partick we don't gas Jews.

Next, a reported exchange at a Daily Record staff meeting when Robert Maxwell owned it.
Heckler: Nazi!
Robert Maxwell: How can you say that, when my parents died in the concentration camps?
respectful pause
Heckler: I bet you shoapped them, ya bastard.
(ubergeekian, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:28, Reply)

I like the story about Winston Churchill.
In the Commons, a female MP accused him of being drunk. He replied well, you're ugly, but at least I shall be sober in the morning.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:19, 16 replies)

While working in a computer store in Swansea
our branch of the business was unusually lacking in staff numbers at the time, so one guy travelled down from Cardiff to help out with the store.

Now a quick fact for you; Swansea and Cardiff get on about as well as unborn babies and thalidomide ie they don't really develop very well when in the same environment. Myself personally couldn't give a fuck, bit this guy was full of it. Every single moment there was some kind of put down; complaining about having to work in poverty areas, being surprised that in Swansea we have heard of the telephone, let alone a computer etc etc. I just laughed them all off and got on with the job at hand until he decided to carry on while I was serving a customer.

An elderly woman shopping for Christmas presents had asked me for some advice and while we were talking the twat from Cardiff struts over and makes some other completely pig-headed comment.

We both stop what we're talking about, and she asks me "What's wrong with him?"
"I'm sorry about him madam," I reply "he can't help it, he's from Cardiff."

The woman looks him up and down, and with a sincere voice says "Awww bless..."

Not another word was uttered from him for the entire shift, other than "You win."
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:12, 2 replies)

My fave is this little nugget from Frasier Series 1 Ep 9


Frasier: [responding to a caller calling in with a trivial problem]

"Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the Tunnelling Electron Microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem."
(byevad Bored sig:, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:09, Reply)

Slighty repost, but it was only a reply to a link...
In a debate on capital punishment between two lawyers:

Lawyer 1: Revelling in a man's death isn't very Christian
Lawyer 2: Beg to differ; it's a central plank of the whole thing.

Best comeback ever. Argument won.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 9:06, 2 replies)

Santa
I used to work with a bit of a rugger bugger, roughly 15 years younger than me called Mike. It was coming up to team Christmas party time and, as a team, we were discussing who should give out the secret santa gifts at our works dinner.

‘Che – you’re the old man of the team, you should be Santa.’ [smirks]

‘Well Mike,’ I retorted, ‘it can’t be you, because he’s fat and jolly…and you’re only one of those.’

‘…’

Dramatic two second pause before everyone laughed at him.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 25 Nov 2011, 8:57, 2 replies)