today i booked my wifes cat
in to the vets to get her made non kitteh friendly
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 19:52, 3 replies)

Cat related evil
My friend's cat had gone missing, so naturally he was keen to find him. He decided to fly-post the neighbourhood with "Lost Cat" posters.
He stupidly put home, mobile and office numbers on the posters.

The local student population spent the next few months phoning up pretending to be a cat in pain, or issuing ransom demands.

This continued, long after the cat had returned
(Fridgy, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 19:26, 1 reply)

Just remembered this... unfortunately the best stories I have just don't involve me. Ever.
My mates dad was an electrician, he was self employed and enjoyed a fair degree of success. He had just taken on an apprentice and was showing him the ropes. The property that they were in on this occassion was to install the wiring in a complete shell of a property that was being redeveloped. The only thing that had been completed thus far was the basic plumbing and the installation of a toilet. A number of raw materials were stacked up ready for use in the centre of all the rooms, sheets of plasterboard and bags of plaster, lengths of pipe, reels of cable (you get the general idea.)

The apprentice went for a shit while the boss was up in the loft sorting out the cabling. The apprentice called out to the gaffer. Unfortunately their wasn't any toilet paper and he wanted to wipe.

The opportunity for mischief was too great by far. went over to the rolls of loft insulation that were stacked up beside him, grabbed a handful and handed it to his protege, suggesting that it should clean it off.

Apparently he saw the funny side after a few weeks.
( Muns, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 17:01, 2 replies)

I enjoy posting controversial opinions on internet message boards.
Sometimes, I'll lie as well.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:29, 18 replies)

A wee drink
has led to me witnessing the following at house parties*

- shaving people's heads and leaving the hair in the lady of the house's underwear drawer.
- Pooing in the toilet cistern/fish tank/fruit bowl.
- cock punching competitions/Ro Sham Bo.
- A fat bloke falling through a shed roof
- chimping the unconscious

* some may actually have been carried out by me
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:24, 11 replies)

Hot money
Not me, but rather my Pa in his youth - Apparently this works best if you are at school, due to ease of access to the necessary prep materials, and plenty of potential victims.

Heat up a coin in a Bunsen burner, taking care to hold with tongs. Depending on your level of malice wait until you have a white/red hot disc of near-molten metal, and deposit on the floor. Wait for a passer-by to be ‘branded’ by Her Maj.
( ProjectWeasel The Bird is the Word, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:22, Reply)

Cheese!
Just remembered this one...
It was '91/'92, houseparty in Kensington, Liverpool.
I found a catering sized block of coloured cheddar in the fridge whilst hunting alcohol.
I simply couldn't resist the temptation to unwrap it and take the biggest bite out of it that I could. I then rewrapped it, leaving no visible evidence of my crime, popped it back in the fridge exactly as it had been.
I'm talking a proper full mouthful, couldn't actually close my mouth, took me ages to eat what I'd stolen. Nearly made myself puke.
Wish I'd seen the WTF look on the cheese-owners face when they discovered the evidence of my gaping maw.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:13, 5 replies)

Lights Out
Me and my buddy used to catch the same bus to and from school. On some nights during the Festive season, infused with a malice that only a day of hard learning can ferment, we would take our scissors and cut the fairy lights which adorned the more affluent/less shameful houses.
( ProjectWeasel The Bird is the Word, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:03, 2 replies)

I gave money to a homeless person
directly funding their alcohol and drug addictions.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 16:03, 2 replies)

The subjects are coming back around a bit quick aren't they? Re-post from dim and distant 2011
At one of the low points in my life, I worked at Terry's chocolate factory in York, on the night shift.

Working the M1 (production line to fill 'All Gold' boxes) was a nightmare, but after a few weeks we had a night packing after dinner mints. The same round, foil covered, hard choc mints went into Sainsbury's and Waitrose's 'own brand' packages - the packages were different, but not much.

Anyway, the ease of this job and the bonus of the odd mint choc soon paled for me. What could I do to rebel against the Man? Well, at the bottom of the see-through plastic packs was a rectangle of silvered cardboard. So I took one out and wrote "You are a cunt" clearly with my fingernail on the card and put it back before filling with chocs.

So, some poor random stranger would have been insulted by an empty pack of chocs. I'm not proud of this now (yeah, right), but it felt good at the time.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:48, 5 replies)

Fight fight fight
Everybody remembers the playground chant, everyone running to the sound and pushing through the crowd you'd eventually see two schoolkids often engaged in mild fisty-cuffs before it being broken up by a bespectacled teacher.

Anyway, we used to fake this shit when we were kids. Three of us would run around the corner of the playground and start screaming 'fight fight fight', summoning hordes of curious children like a violent pied piper and we'd keep running, dodging, ducking and diving among the crowd all the while summoning more and more confused kids with our war-cries. Eventually a teacher or two would have to make a mad sprint to the middle of the crowd, to find.... Nothing. No violence, just crowds of shouting, confused children.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:40, 3 replies)

I was roaming around at a party at someone's house that I did not know,
when I noticed a dog in a closed up room wearing a sort of a diaper. It was that mythical creature, a bitch in heat. There was also a used diaper thing carefully folded up in the bin.
There was bitch of the human type there that I did know. The sort that keeps emasculators in her purse, just in case.
I found her knee high wet look boots in the vestibule and I annointed them with fresh eau de bitch. I then wedged the diaper thing under her car.
By the time she finally left there were three dogs frantically sniffing her car and one of them made a determined attempt to foxtrot with her leg.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:40, 6 replies)

My dad reckoned that this morning he "may have accidentally* mixed the packed lunches of me and him."
The lying bastard. In revenge I stamped on our pet kitten.*

*I was also masturbating while I did this.
( Trollman, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:20, 9 replies)

Snow.

While pondering the boredom we were engaged in studying my flatmate has a truely evil thought. The recent snowfall had caused the surrounding campus to be littered with attempts at snowmen, essentially massive rolled up balls of snow. Goading me into help carry a couple of these beasts upstairs to our fourth floor flat we discussed how to get the 'drop' on someone. This flat was part of a building which ran next to a popular path. At it's bottom lay a popular student bar and we often had drunk revellers beneath our windows staggering up the path. Yes, we had decided to see if we could 'drop' of the more drunker weaker 'gazelle'. Took us about 10 minutes after closing time before the perfect candidate arrived. Sadly he had a significant escort so we had to wait until they were distracted and boom. We got 'Steve' bang on 12 o'clock. His friends eventually noticed an unconscious Steve on the ground, covered in snow. 'Come on Steve, what happened to you aye?', were the last words heard as slide the window shut again...
(skgorsky, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 15:12, 4 replies)

Yum!
This morning I may have accidentally* mixed the packed lunches of me and my eldest son. Hope he has enjoyed his dinner eating his sandwich followed with the finest bland pro-biotic health yoghurt an apple and a couple of custard creams while I have sat in the office canteen eating my sandwich with a cheese string (And feeling a little happy to see that I had done the 1 thing from the 101 things to do before you are 11 and a half that was on the packet), a kids yoghurt that had sprinkles (and a free toy), grapes and a fruit flavoured Battenberg.

*May have seen what he had and decided that I wanted to be 10 for once
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:42, 10 replies)

Same friend as previously mentioned
After a one night stand, he woke up in the arms of the true definition of an eight pinter. Unfortunately she was also awake and upon realising that he had stirred, began making plans for their lives together.

He concluded that the only way out of this was to give her his number, go to the bathroom and then make the excuse that he needed to be at work. He ignored her texts and calls for a fortnight before finally texting her to tell her that he had emptied out the contents of her spray gel bottle and pissed in it.

There was no further communication.
( Muns, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:31, Reply)

Pee Prank
Munsta reminded me of this almost identical Pearoast

www.b3ta.com/questions/evilpranks/post108854
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:24, Reply)

Milk bombs
In Secondary school were quite common. Imagine a Carton of Milk (Usually given to the people on free dinners) with its cardboard carton skin ripped off so it was instead a thin brown box full with milk, slightly leaking at the edges.

Many a summer day breaktime was disastrously broken for people in the playground when the announcement of "MILK BOMB" was shouted from somewhere on the playground. as a Milk Bomb would be launched skyward. you would have maybe 2-3 seconds to get to cover.

I wasnt hit myself, but was very close to those who did get hit. An eruption of milk would explode over anyone within a 10ft radius of its target.

Milk would then sit on their clothes all day .... in the hot summer...

The smell was horrid come the end of the day...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:18, 2 replies)

Not random, but meh....
Not something I did, thank fuck.

A friend of mine (Who has a reputation for this sort of thing) went for a day out drinking with a group of other mates in a town a few miles north of where we live, probably due to the reputation it holds for having an abundance of cheap, easy women.

He went into a pub which for some unbeknown reason was having a disco in the middle of the afternoon and being partially inebriated already, opted to have a dance.

The attentions of one woman fell upon him and within minutes he was behind her, arm around her waist and grinding away like a mining villages attempt at producing an R&B music video, until a male, who had obviously decided that he should be the one to unleash his batter into her furry mixing bowl (I know that's a shit metaphor, but it's seasonal!) stepped in and decided to violently insert himself between them and sent him flying.

Our hero, rather than engaging in a fight with someone who had the looks, weight and reach of a large gorilla instead immediately decided that a slightly nastier form of revenge was in order.

He went to the bar and ordered a large vodka redbull with lots of ice and then procured a similar empty glass from a nearby table.

He then went to the toilet, filled one of the glasses with piss, dumped two thirds of the ice into the piss filled glass to remove the warmth and then went to the dance floor to track down his target. He walked up to him, apologised politely for what had transpired earlier and to show him that there were no hard feelings offered him a double vodka redbull. In fact, to toast the truce, he suggested that they remove the ice and down it in one. Which they both immediately proceeded to do.

In case you're wondering, he did realise, but my friend was a long distance runner who ran for the county, there was no chance of him being caught.
( Muns, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:16, Reply)

house party
I once recall going to a house party of a friend of mine who kept a tarantula as a pet.

Fortunately for me, the arachnid had recently shed it's skin allowing me to place the still spider shaped skin into one of his flat mates corn flakes packet.

The next morning my friend and I told everybody to be on the look out for the spider as it had escaped in the night, telling them that it would not attack a human due to the size differential and thus everyone was perfectly safe, but the spider needed to be rehoused into its tank as it needed the heat.

20 minutes later, I was to witness the spectacular sight of someone physically shitting themselves in the kitchen as arachnid skin met bowl.

Good times.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:14, 2 replies)

One time,
I went to France and burned Jacob Dyer's neck. He didn't like it.
(Star Wars Starwarsy McStarwars Face, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 14:09, 3 replies)

Using a 2p coin to open the locks on the disabled toilet door at school.
Funny at the time, maybe a bit harsh looking back now tho.
(sex drugs and jellied eels, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 13:16, 4 replies)

myguyver
I also had an older brother who would constantly fight with me and would constantly win. Being the evil genius i was i decided to level the playing field and negate his size/age/strength. I rounded up all the darts in the house and elsewhere and threw them all into the ceiling. I called on him and when he walked into the room i threw the heaviest workboot i could find at the ceiling. Raining darts down on his bastarding head. Hillariy/agony/punctured scalps/slippering from mother ensued.
(liquidspanner, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:19, 5 replies)

dog days
IlWhen i was a yung un my family had a pet labrador, big friendly fella he was, about 8 stone of lumbering black slobberyness. He was however terrified of the hoover and would bolt out the room when it was witched on. I also had a younger brother who was about ten years old a daft enough to sdo what his older brother told him. Putting the two together i got him to satnd in the doorway and turner on the hoover. Dog bolted like an exocet missile out room, small brother takes the full force of racing beast. Sommersault and broken arm
(liquidspanner, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:12, Reply)

My g/f at the time went to see a friend in Bristol.
She parked her m/cycle outside his flat overnight. The next morning she was a little annoyed that someone had taken all the indicator lenses off the lights, (I can't remember if they stole the bulbs as well) but, as she had a long way to go (back to Bucks) set off out of the city. As she was coming to a junction at the bottom of a hill, she then discovered that the jokers had not only disconnected the rear brake, but also loosened the rear wheel axle. She 'stepped off' the bike smartish, before it could hit oncoming traffic and phoned me. I had to ride all the way there to pick her up. The bike was not worth repairing, so was left in her friends garden (after I towed it back there). It may still be there for all I know.
No way of telling who did it or why. Not a good day.
(Spill, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:03, 8 replies)

When I was old enough to know better,
I used to pretend to leap out infront of moving cars, whilst waiting to cross the road. It worked best with elderly drivers, as they would completely freak out, then scowl at me as I cracked up.

With hindsight, this was an extremely stupid thing to do. I'm not proud.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 12:01, 5 replies)

This girl was giving me evils so I punched her?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:56, Reply)

I love people.....
I lived with a ginger girl who used her personality as contraceptive*.

She even tried to split me and my girlfriend up. Not cos she fancied me, just cos she wanted me to move out. Twunt....




*this might not be true, but she did have an awful personality and was a virgin so I claim this to be true.
(salsarider79 has eaten a violin and talks in music, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:39, 6 replies)

to any drivers who were affected by the unexpected coning off of broomfield road in chelmsford late one friday night in 1994,
sorry about that. from our drunken hiding place behind the wall of king edward's school, it was hilarious.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 11:13, 3 replies)

Not evil, but random
My GF's car wouldn't start one morning, so I came to have a look. It wasn't hard to find the problem: the distributor cap was sitting proudly on top of the bonnet.

So during the night someone had opened the bonnet, removed the leads, unplugged the cap, closed the bonnet and placed it on top, then simply walked away.

Why? Just... why?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 21 Feb 2012, 10:39, 2 replies)