Don't PVA me off again!
Sitting in my ART Class, second year at high school I was happily chatting up the girl who sat to the left of me.

This little idiot to the right was really peaved I was talking to her and he decided to provoke me. I told him to F%%K off and he decided to put the paint Brush with the PVA Glue on it onto my 1 week old jumper!

So I lent over the table picked up the 2 Litre bottle of PVA glue and procedded to empty the contents onto his big head of hair! The whole class was shocked and laughed for weeks about it but to make it super sweet, he got the blame for it. LOL

Oh yeah and he had a skinhead after that!
(DJPete1, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:56, Reply)

Here's a NASTY one...
I once substituted a girls Johnsons Baby Shampoo (ever noticed how close to golden syrup in colour it is?) for golden syrup. She didn't notice until she poured it over her head...
(Snitter the Rat, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Once at show n tell
I brought in a dried up frog I found behind the dishwasher (a year previously my sister chased it behind there) My teacher wasnt amused and I was peed off because I tjhought it was very interesting. So at breaktime I hid it behind one of the shelving units and it stank the place out during the sumer (in which I left the school)
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:47, Reply)

Eau de Elk
A fella here left his job voulantarily, but had shared his office with the most obnoxious git known to man.
From the day he left, a terrible smell filled the office, untracable and un-ignorable.
The now single inhabitant of this office suffered.
2 months later the guy who had left was seen in a pub.... and was asked if he knew anything about it... It turns out that Sven's a bit of a hunter, and has a bottle of Elk-piss he uses to attract Elk while out hunting... he'd soaked a sponge in it, and neatly poked it deep inside the air conditioning unit.

Yummy.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 14 May 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Thinking man's road rage. Instant revenge using Mr Plod as a tool.
My brother's a fella who drives an insanely fast mini-van (1071cc over-square A-series for those in the know)... great for corners, but a bit pants in a straight line.
Around our area, there's a notorius stretch of dual carriagway, with roundabouts every mile. This dual C-W ends and turns into single lane... and the police seem congregate there to catch the poor unwitting sods who appear at 70mph in a 60 area.
My brother was getting tailgated by a pillock in a BMW, so he takes the next roundabout at top whack just so the Beamer isn't sat sniffing carbon monoxide.... only to be overtaken by the BMW on the straight... the guy gives my brother the finger to prove his point: sweet.
Finally getting bored with the BMW, Brother sets Mr BMW up for a good fall (hoping that Mr Plod'll be fishing in his ususal spot).... He throws the mini through every roundabout at 70, and upsets BMW by catching him up on each and every roundabout... at the last roundabout, brother passes BMW by outbraking him.... Exits roundabout at 60 (knowing what'll be waiting on the other side), only to be overtaken by Irate Mr BMW doing 120+mph waving finger out of open window at brother... Apparently in his window winding preparation, Mr BMW had failed to notice the 2 police motorbikes waiting in thier usual spot, one of which was armed with speed camera...

... which was nice.

As brother passed the freshly halted BMW, he cheerfully peeped his ikkle mini's horn.

Never seen the lad so chuffed with himself.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 14 May 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Not really revenge
Just us being evil to a drunken mate last week!

This guy decided to drink a bottle of vodka for no reason, but made a show of it. Saying he wasn't pissed he stumbled to the toilet, claiming he wasn't going to be sick. Upon his return he started saying he could drink more than me, and tried to get me to down a bottle of cordial juice because in his head this would make me pissed. I declined but he said he would down it. He managed half the bottle and somehow didn't throw up, so I was on a mission to make him chunder. Started slowly by rolling him a fag with tea in it. After smoking it he ay it was a nice fag, even complimented me on the rolling! Next I remembered I had a 2 week old beer can in my room I had been using as an ashtray. Aftr getting a fresh beer out the fridge I asked him if he wanted half of it, he readily agreed so in a couple of minutes I gave him the beer. He took quite a large gulp before telling me it was ok, then suddenly throwing up all over himself and my mates room. After dragging him to the toilet we then dragged him back to his own room (fortunatly it was just down the hall) where we tucked him up in bed. 10 minutes later we were bored again so we went back to his room with a marker pen. Whilst drawing on him he was just looking me right in the eyes with no idea what was going on, then suddenly he flipped onto his side and threw up again. In the morning he claimed, as always, he wasn't sick and said we had made up everything. Fortunatly we had a digicam that recorded most of the night!

sorry for length
( bobzarkoff, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:19, Reply)

Not physically yucky, but devious nonetheless
When I was a bitty froshie at college, I had my first "real" boyfriend. (I was a late bloomer) I was in Lurve. Luuuuuuurve, I tell you. He was a twunt and an asshole and I couldn't see it. After many instances of 'borrowing money' and asking/doing gross things in an effort to drive me away, he broke up with me, rather viciously. I was fat, boring, bad in the sack, you get the picture. I was destroyed.

Fast forward 8 years. I'm engaged and finishing nursing school. He gets back in contact with me, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, why did we ever break up, I love you, etc". We correspond for a while, exchanging hotter and hotter letters. (This was BC-before computers) He proposes a visit-to "reconnect our relationship". Ok, fine.

I had cued in my boyfriend and when Mr. Weedy showed up, he was met at the door with, "Oh and Gary, this is my fiance Jon." He sputtered, was outraged, then pled for mercy and charity. No go.

The look on his face was priceless. Here he was, 500 miles from home in a foreign country, no money, (planning to sponge off me) no place to stay, no friends in town and faced with an evilly grinning me. Paybacks are a bitch. I have never felt so vindicated as right then.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:17, Reply)

The boss at my last office was pissing off a colleague...
...so the colleague pissed in the bosses coffee.

Worked in a bar once and every time we had snooty wankish customers who moaned about the food being too hot or the wine being the wrong consistency and other petty shit the manager used to dip his bell-end into their drinks, sprinkle pubes into their salad, shove his finger up his arse then onto wipe it over their food and scrape knob cheese into their pasta.

I don't recommended to anyone to complain in a restaurant or bar unless you can see the kitchen. Period.
(pureblue, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:17, Reply)

Again not me (and sorry for the long one)
But my Friend was caught cheating on his (long time) girlfriend and she wasn't to happy about it. (the fact that she had a little one that he had all but become father to didn't help and the fact that it was Christmas eve when she found out).

Anyway they had this massive bust up and he went to his parents for the Christmas period only deciding a few days later that he should go and get his stuff.

He turns up there a few days later in his Audi TT company car and asks if he can get some clothes so she says to him fine and he goes in to the house only to find that she had shredded every thing that belonged to him. Including work documents car documents all his clothes, his TV, video player etc and so on. It was carnage.

Now my mate is quite a nice guy and I think that in some way he realised that he deserved it in one way or another and also hey gets paid reasonably well so again he thought he could get new clothes and stuff so he decided to go with out a fight.

So rather then going to confront his now ex girlfriend he just decides to go home but as he approaches his car he sees that the door is slightly ajar.

When he got there it turned out that while he had been in to the house his ex, who still had a set of keys decided that she would spray shaving cream - whipped cream - beer - milk and various other stuff that she could find all over the inside of the car (leather seats and all). His car still stinks to this day and he has to give it back soon because it is nigh on impossible to get the seats out of those things unless your willing to really pay for it.

Anyway things wee bad for my friend but his ex didn't stop there, she then found the phone number of the girl that he had cheated on her with and made up 300 full colour 'flyers' which were distributed around Shepherds Bush (this was before they did it on East enders as well)

Fair play to my mate though he still takes the kid out every couple of weeks so his ex cant of hurt him as much as she was hoping)
( weekendsession, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:17, Reply)

Simple but effective
Sit backwards (facing the cistern) on the twunts loo next time you feel the urge to dump.
You would not believe the mess it makes.
( Vermin, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:15, Reply)

Dexterous incompetence
i was so unimpressed with the results of an undrpant pillaging session in my downstairs toilet, that I gave my right hand the sack.
I have rather spitefully employed my left hand in its place. My right hand is hurt to the very soul.
(foxdaniel, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:13, Reply)

Cake
Let's just say there wasn't much of a relationship between our school head teacher and the pupils. OK, he was a tosser and we hated his guts. So, we made him a cake in Home Economics. He thought we were just celebrating his birthday by way of a bit of brown nosing. We were just trying to poison the git.

It was a beautiful cake. We spent a wonderful Tuesday morning all doing our bit to give Bull the happiest of birthdays. Sugar. Magarine. Flour. Eggs. Vim. Icing Sugar. Some mouldy cheese somebody found at the bottom of the fridge. It all went in, and more. Despite our giggling protests that he was taking it too far, Seany dropped a huge green, pulsating loogie right into the mix. Seany had been on the end of Bull’s wrath far too often, and today it was payback. We did, however, physically restrain him from putting his finger up his bum and rubbing the result into the mixture so that “he really would be full of poop”. We didn’t want to poison the old goat. Not much, anyway.

The coup de grace was “Happy 60th Birthday Mr Bull” piped out expertly in green icing by Tim, a skill he is undoubtedly putting to use now in his chosen career as a museum curator. We didn’t have any green food colouring. So we used washing up liquid.

At the end of the lesson, as we all packed up for lunch, the secret door to the forbidden zone opened, and in walked our leader, Mr Bull for a royal visit. Miss Orton grovelled and fawned round him, and it was all we could do to stop her from spreading rose petals on the very ground he walked upon. Eventually, she lead him over to where we stood with The Cake.

There was a brief, sycophantic ceremony. He complimented us on our cooking skills, expressed his deep joy that his students had thought of him on his most special of days. We sung “Happy Birthday”, and he blew out the one oversized candle planted in the middle of our masterpiece. We hoped, then, it would be all over, but then we heard the words we dreaded.

“Won’t you boys join me in a slice?”

Not on your bloody life, mate, we know what’s in it.

He took a knife, and cut himself the biggest piece you could imagine, the great guts. He wasn’t known as “King Kong” for nothing. He tucked in. We held our collective breath, waiting for the eruption. It never came. He demolished the slice in about two mouthfuls, swallowed, and said, “This is actually rather good. You won’t mind if I take the rest home for Mrs Bull?”

Of course we didn’t mind. As a matter of fact, we were all for making him another one, just to finish off the job good and proper.

Fair play to him, he showed up for work the next day showing no ill effects. Hardly surprising, the amount of washing up liquid we used to get the icing the right shade of green probably left him with the cleanest insides in the known universe.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:05, Reply)

Ooh, ooh, got one...
Ok, so last year a load of us went to a mates cottage, lovely idyllic little place in the middle of nowhere, fields all around, perfect, right.
Anyway, so the couples get to share a room, that's me and my girlfriend and one of my best mates and his long distance bird, and given that they didn't see each other that much, we could understand that they might want to get a quickie in now and again...

Problem is that they were at it 24 hours a day, from the day we got there, now on the first day they went straight to OUR room and stayed there, so after about four hours of trying to coax them down, out come the water pistols, needless to say they weren't impressed, well to be fair the girl was in tears, but everyone else thought it was funny :D

Anyhoo, so skip forward, they've only come down for food so far, and then straight back up, and Tenacious D being rather popular in our circles, and you can probably see this coming, we put the fucking song on, top whack and proceeeded to sing along with it, we did this at the very least once an hour, for practically a week, eventually they got the hint, eventually I got a shag and eventually, veeery eventually, all was forgiven, what a charming story, oh and there's the poo in the ciste... less said the better.

Muchos apologies for length, that's just how I am ;P
(thermal_assault, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:04, Reply)

Clean Reciever
Not my story but my friend who works for CBC in Toronto; She has this über-bitch boss that no one likes so she (my friend) keeps an atomiser bottle in her drawer that she uses to spray various items of this bosses office furniture when she's had to stay late and no-one else is there; keyboard, phone reciever - that sort of thing.

The bottle is full of piss.
( LittlePixel, Fri 14 May 2004, 14:03, Reply)

'Phone torture...
Someone once advertised a work colleague's (for 'work colleague', read 'complete and utter twunt') company BMW in LOOT at a knock-down price.
They also gave the poor sod's work and home 'phone numbers, both of which rang constantly - for days!
(If whoever did it reads this: Respect - couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.)
(minimalist ..., Fri 14 May 2004, 13:45, Reply)

i wasn't very popular at school, and one of my many
um, let's call them bullies (as they were) was picking on me one day - it resulted in him throwing me down a flight of stairs..

..but, I landed on his (the bullies) best mate, and broke his arm! The two of them hated each other, and I walked away completely fine apart from a few cuts and bruises!

Yay me!
( stevierar, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:44, Reply)

Cruel & inventive revenge
Girlfriend moves into parents home.Later I decide to finish with girlfriend. She won't move out. Best mate decides to start going out with my ex- girlfriend.Stupid Slag.

So by now I can't stand her and want to get rid of her so I plan my fiendish revenge which includes: Crumbling biscuits in her bed so she cant sleep, Putting all of her clothes out in the bins and waking her just as the bin men turn up,Changing her name on the electoral register to "clinging leach". Is that over the top? I don't know but shortly afterwards she moved out.Sweet.
(poodleseatnoodles, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:40, Reply)

old job.....
bloke complains his chilli has meat in it despite being bleddingly obv meaty chilli, demands replacement so goes thru list of jacket spud toppings 1 by 1 to check for meat. by this time iv worked 5 hours had no break and P***ed of ,so when he asks if the curry had meat the devil inside me told him no. i cried laughin watching him eat every last bit. serves him right for bein a stuck up twat.
(coloured_rings, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:34, Reply)

Phil
Phil was the kid at school who always wanted to be 'cool' but never was, and always tried too hard and ends up embarrasing you somehow.

One weekend his parents went away on holiday somewhere so he invited everyone round to his house. Rather than sit on benches and freeze our arses off we obliged and happily went along.

We started smoking ganja in the back garden and he tried to stop us, so I asked "why don't you come have a smoke with us?" he happily agreed, probably because it was the first invitation he'd ever had or something.

So I went around the house with a little bag and some scissors and made everyone donate a small clump of pubic hair. When the bag was full I rolled a 2-king joint filled with pubic hair, and put a bit of bud in the end for realism.

He happily smoked about half of it when I just couldn't help but burst out laughing.

He moved away a few months later, and I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Sorry about the length!

Edit: His nickname from then on was 'Phil me up on pubes'
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:31, Reply)

some kid at my school was annoying me

so in front of all his mates i shoved a blue paint covered paint brush up his nose
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:31, Reply)

clot wash
My flat mate turned out to be a baby eating witch who tried to kill me, so my girlfriend at the time wrung her saturated tampon into her shampoo. Even i found that offensive, so i burnt her 'painting' in the toilet and binned her.
I am now single...any offers?
(my name is really Janet, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:30, Reply)

In my middle school there was some twat
called Gareth Cooper some of you may be unfortunate enough to know him, One lunch time I was sitting next to him in the dinner hall, he was being his usual twatish self and kept doing something (sorry can't remember what) which kept pissing me off so I gave him a ultimatum which he did not conform to so had no choice to grab his hamburger and shoved it in his jelly and cream dessert.
(NO_I'M_BRIAN_BLESSED, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:27, Reply)

Sour milk
Similar to the sewing prawns into curtains, but an awful lot easier to do. My old housemate sprinkled milk onto the pillow of one of HIS former housemates who was getting on his tits. He worked out where her nose would be in relation to the pillow and concentrated in those areas, and then let the gradual heat of summer take effect. Apparently her pillow ended up extremely whiffy =)
( Irregular Shed is trying to remember what it is he does, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:27, Reply)

.
A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.

I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.

That showed her.
( moonjam, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:25, Reply)

Dregs
We were in the pub once, when a mate (now ex-mate) vanished off to have a lash, leaving us with strict instructions to watch his pint.

He wasn't someone we were particularly fond of, and mainly let him hang around out of sympathy. So, of course, the first thing we did as soon as he left was neck his pint.

A little worried he may notice, we made him a new pint - using the dregs from every empty glass on the bar.

He returned and sat and asked "Is this one mine?"
"Oh yes" we replied and watched him greedily slurp half of it down.
"No, that can't be mine," he says "Mine was lager, that is bitter."

We bought him another pint in the end. But that will server the fat fucker right for all the misery he put us through before and since.
(mikehall314, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Nobbling the dyslexic
This guy I was at school with was a registered dyslexic, and had a computer at school so he could do his exams. One day he'd been a real prick to me and one of my friends so we loaded up Microsoft Word and misspelled as many common words as we could and added them to the dictionary so they wouldn't show up in the spellchecker.
(MrMessiah, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:21, Reply)

I can't remember what they did to me, but it had to be something
One of my former friends, a rather prissy twat to say the least. I went round to his house to discuss the issue, I nipped to the loo at one point, and this is when the spark of genius struck. He had a tube of deep heat cream on his shelf, and next to it, almost there to do nothing more than tempt me into action, was a tub prescription cream designed to relieve a genital infection. this stuff reeked badly, and would easily mask the smell of the deep heat cream. I emptied about half of the cream out into the toilet, and replaced it with deep heat, gave it a quick stir with his toothbrush and left the room. I can only imagine what happened afterwards, but according to a mutual friend, he complained of a rather nasty burning sensation for a few weeks.
( Muns, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:07, Reply)

In the same retail establisment
where the pooh hi-jinks mentioned in the previous story request were perpetrated, I was subjected to working for a drunken bombastic buffoon of an Area Manager. One morning, I had had enough of his particular tirade of mis-directed abuse and decided to make everyone a coffee.

I nipped into the kitchen, boiled the kettle and grabbed everyones specific cups. Ensuring no one was arround, I whipped of my shoes and socks and preceded to scrape every last micron of toe cheese out from under my toenails and smeared the resultant clag all around the bottom of his cup. Added the coffee..hot water and milk and gave it a good stir.

After donning the footwear again, I delivered the coffees to everyone.. and watched in total pleasure as he drank down every last drop of his.

It made me happy
(The Lord God Almighty My bottom smells of poo, Fri 14 May 2004, 13:00, Reply)

Ex girlfriend.
Complete sponger, she lived with me for three years, and four of those months were *after* we broke up. She never paid for anything, ate all my food, put a lock on my bedroom door etc.

So I had my new girlfriend round as often as possible, and we used to shag everywhere. Even started going at it on the sofa while the ex was there watching TV.

Then, when she was finally ready to leave, I wiped my arse with her toothbrush, pissed in her mug, and sewed up a dead rabbit inside her favourite stuffed toy.
(Foss, Fri 14 May 2004, 12:56, Reply)