More baby hilarity
The other day, mr vitC was changing our son's nappy before bed time. As he did so, our delightful child pissed right up in the air, hitting mr vitC all over his face and down his front. Naturally, I fell about laughing, especially as baby had a mischievous grin upon his face.

Mr vitC asked me to take over so he could change his top, so over I went, still laughing, and tickled baby on his tummy, saying 'ha ha, you really got daddy, didn't you?!' As I lent down to kiss his soft little cheek, he vomited, and shat at the same time, covering my face in sick, and my hand and much of my arm, plus the wall behind the changing mat, in shit. I heard my baby boy laugh for the first time that day, although it was somewhat spoiled by my other half actually weeping with laughter as I dripped excrement and regurgitated milk over the baby.

It's over a week later, and mr vitC still dissolves into giggles every so often remembering it. The bedroom wall still has a faint 'baby-faeces-motif' to it.
( ascorbate, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 12:09, 10 replies)

Take care when driving on ice..
..not in the recent snowy conditions but a few years ago I had a subaru impreza. It's the kind of car that attracts idiots who think you are up for racing all the time..

Anyhoo I was driving fairly gingerly due to snow and ice and had a pair of chavs in their modified piece of junk literally foaming at the mouth to get passed me.

They grabbed the moment as the single road opened into a dual carriageway to fly by - not knowing that there was a roundabout within about 20 metres!

Yes I arrived at the roundabout to see their car half way across the roundabout, nose pointing about 45 degrees in the air.

I did the only decent thing and beeped and waved as I went by them.

I then did the second decent thing by going round the roundabout several times beeping and waving.
( Signify, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 12:02, 3 replies)

Puke
He staggered out of the function room looking pale. The first warning we had was the look of alarm that briefly crossed his lager-monged face and then his mouth dropped open and his lunch, breakfast and most of the afternoon's intake splattered onto the polished wooden tiles. Payload delivered, he spun on his heel and went back into the noisy Xmas office party he'd emerged from.
"Well that was different" I thought, from my comfy sofa seven feet away. "Wonder what happens next?"
It took a while for the apathetic and surly staff to get round to clearing it up so in the meantime myself and my companions took great delight in watching the suited and booted hotel guests, who'd consistently treated us conventioneers with scorn, suddenly realise what they'd just stepped in.
The trick with issuing a warning is to do it when it's already too late to stop the next fateful, squelching step.
(Big D, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 11:20, Reply)

Schadenfreudefreude
Reading this topic is pleasure derived from pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 10:06, 1 reply)

My mum fell down a badger hole
She was stuck there for ages because everyone around her was pissing themselves with laughter. We eventually got her out - she was not impressed.

There are pictures, but sadly I don't know where they are.
( d3gu thinks you should buy a Dinohoodie., Sun 20 Dec 2009, 4:55, Reply)

Ooh, just remembered
Many years ago,(19 to be accurate) as a college student I used to work at McDonalds to keep me in beer tokens etc. I used to work Friday nights and late on in the evenings, there used to be quite a lot of revellers in, lining their stomachs before going on to the clubs. One group were joking about and one of them pointed at a 'wet floor' sign, the one with a picture of someone skidding. I heard him say:
"Look at that sign, who slips and falls over like that?" and backed up his argument by pretending to slip in the same way. It turns out that the sign was a very accurate representation of how people slip because he slipped in exactly the same fashion and went down a sack of spuds to the jeers of his mates. Now, to me, and his mates and everyone else in the room, it was rather funny. But what made it a special moment was that he stuffed the half-eaten Big Mac he was holding into his face like a self-inflicted high-colestorol custard-pie gag.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 1:24, 1 reply)

Not really car-related
It's always nice to be right.

Back when I was a consultant, I had a customer who needed to move sites. And wanted to do a major systems upgrade. I told them to do one and then the other. But the site manager reckoned that I was just trying to make some extra out of them, and he could easily do both at the same time. Despite barely understanding what I'd put in to start with.

He couldn't.

It all went tits up. One loss amounting to the thick end of a million quid in lost production and penalty clauses later, his arse failed to bounce in the car park. How I laughed.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 1:03, 2 replies)

After work at the perfume factory
The summer I turned 17, I worked at a perfume factory. Luckily for me, I passed my driving test the day my Mom went on holiday, or I'd have been walking to work. Instead, my Dad lent me his super-stylish Lada, and borrowed my Mom's BMW. Hey, I'd only have been pulled over for driving while black in the BMW anyway.

So, I drive to work. I was at that "I AM A DRIVING GHOD!!!!" stage of driving when I misjudged some stop/start traffic and clipped the back of someone else's car. Their car was a mess of assorted dents and shit, so they just said "Forget it, son" and drove away. So I did, slightly shaken. Just then, another lad I knew from work buzzed up next to me on his motor bike. He stopped, shouted something about learning to drive properly, then revved his bike and took off.

SPANG! Who'd put that van there?

He was OK, although his pride was severely foxed after that one.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 0:58, Reply)

All mine seem to be car-related...
Anyhow, once upon a time, I'd often be found driving from Oxford to somewhere beginning with C. Down the A420 a bit from Oxford. It's been a while, OK?

The main road was a windy bit of single carriageway, with lots of nice corners and stuff. Ideal driving road, really. Anyway, one night I'm wending my weary way away from Oxford over to thingytown, when up behind me blazes some chav (except that this way early 90s, we didn't have the word then). He charges up behind me, and flicks his lights on main beam, just so I know he's there and that his cock is tiny.

I make my car nicely wide, so he can't get by. He gets more and more upset by the fact that his alleged RS Turbo is being held up by my Escort 1.3. Soon, he's waving his fist and blowing the horn at me.

Eventually, I think that it's probably time to give this game up. So, on a handy straight, I ease off, indicate left to allow him to overtake, and nudge over to the curb. He, of course, clogs his heap for all it's worth, and extends a skinny arm, beringed middle finger jabbing skywards as he floors it past me.

How do I know about the finger? Well, dear reader, it was brightly illuminated by the flash from the speed camera I'd noted the location of over the last few weeks. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that if the officers of the law have a speed camera photo of you accelerating hard, well over the limit, and flipping them the bird, they will throw the book at you extra hard.

I'm pleased to report that I could barely walk when I arrived at my Dad's, due to the alarmingly tattered condition of my farting strings.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sun 20 Dec 2009, 0:23, Reply)

Refusing help
It's been snowing like nobody's business here on the east coast of the US and this afternoon the wife and I thought we'd go for a little stroll. The roads have been ploughed but it's coming down so heavily that after half an hour or so they're absolutely covered again. We spied a copper driving along, sirens blaring and lights blazing, and not another soul on the road. The old Bill over here aren't capable of doing anything inconspicuously. As we continued to watch he rewarded us with the very great pleasure of seeing him turn right and drive straight into a snow drift, becoming well and truly stuck.

A few civic minded folks had wandered over to offer a push, and we were about to do so ourselves as well, when he wound down his window and angrily told everyone to 'step back onto the sidewalk'. We collectively shrugged, one or two were heard to utter 'jerk', and he was left to his own devices.

Still there 10 minutes later, with the scent of burning clutch lingering in the frosty air, he had finally grasped the insurmountable nature of his predicament and deigned to allow others to help.

The ones who weren't still in hysterics.
(Dr. Scambolic, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 22:18, 5 replies)

'And now, over to World Cock Sucker!'
We were watching ITV's World Of Sport and Dickie Davies should have said 'World Cup Soccer'.

He immediately dried up and froze in wide-eyed horror at what he'd just heard himself say.

I heard him too, and shrieked 'He said cocksucker! He said cocksucker!' while writhing on the sofa in hysterics.

You don't have to dislike someone to enjoy their balls-ups. The bollock dropped by someone we admire can be funnier.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 21:32, 9 replies)

Bicycle accidents
Another bicycle accient for the file.

About 10 years ago, I went on a date with a man I met over the internet. It didn't go all that well, and he never called again, which was fine by me. However, that wasn't to be our last meeting; oh no. That would have been too painless.

About six months later I'm seeing someone else, and he takes me round to meet his friend. We meet at her house, and hang out for a while. Then, her husband came home. The husband she had three children with. The husband who... I had been on a date with about six months' previous. The same guy who was supposedly single and childless. Oy.

I don't say anything about it (not really an easy thing to bring up) but he made his excuses and goes out for a bike ride. He was training for a triathalon at the time, and was a pretty serious cyclist. About ten minutes later, there's a phonecall: Mr. Cheating Asshat has ridden into the back of a parked car just around the corner from their house and needs a lift to hospital. His wife didn't drive, so the then-boyfriend and I go to pick him up. He's bleeding from several places on his face, and it looks like he has a broken wrist and possibly a broken ankle.

Now, I try not to take (too much) joy in the misfortunes of others, but in this particular case, I felt somewhat justified in stifling a giggle on the way to A & E. Turned out his wrist was broken and his ankle was badly sprained, so it put the brakes on his triathalon plans.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 20:56, 2 replies)

Bernard Manning
The only time I laughed at this man was when he died.
(Hansdown, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 20:29, 4 replies)

Dave Stairs
This happened in a pub in Penge. Now your Schadenfreude bone twitches enough in Penge as it is, just looking at some of the locals. I digress. The Bridge House Tavern has a nice flight of stairs in it. Dave Stairs (named after that night) was at step number one carrying a pint and a half of Stella when he tripped and went arse over tit all the way down to the bottom. Spilled his beers, natch, but didn't break the glasses. Can't decide whether it's worse laughing like a drain before you know he wasn't injured at all. Laughed so hard I thought my pants would never dry.
( Sallyrsm, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 19:33, Reply)

I did a thesis on the influence of garden architecture on the development of psychotherapy.
Shed and Freud.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 19:19, Reply)

Rover the silly Border Collie
Went on a hike, taking our 2 dogs along. At some point we met a guy accompanied by Rover the Border Collie. The silly Border Collie, as it would turn out later. Dogs start running about , Rover in the middle, our two on the left and right, when all of a sudden Rover has a run in with a wooden pole standing in his way. Bang, Rover's head crashed against the pole. The look on the dog's face was priceless. Looking for his master for consolation, while 10 odd bystanders laughed their heads off. I think even our dogs had a laugh.
( RedWine President of the S.C.U.M., Sat 19 Dec 2009, 18:50, Reply)

The Tube
I was visiting my aunt a few years back along with my mum, my aunt lived in Morden at the time, but was at work that day. We left the car at my aunt's and went to the Tube station to meet her for lunch at Waterloo.

After purchasing our tickets we headed for the platorm, which as some of you may know, is at the bottom of a long flight of 20 odd steps.

20 odd, metal finished, concrete steps.

A woman pushed past my mum and proceeded to trip and fall down the steps, in almost slow motion, head first, bouncing off each and every step. After impersonating a sack of spuds falling down a bumpy hillside, she ended up in a rather un-ladylike pile of flesh at the bottom.

A bloke in a suit went to her aid, but didn't expect her to get up and start shouting at him at volume 11 with an extremely red face.

At this point my mother and I had reached the bottom of the steps (without falling, thankfully) looking at each other with that 'knowing-you're-going-to-piss-yourself-laughing' face. We rushed to the train, got on and the doors shut. At that point, we just burst out laughing and scaring the rest of the carriage so much that some moved to the next one.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 17:35, 1 reply)

It was Glastonbury '97 or '98.
I don't remember which. The whole site was covered in a good foot of thin mud. I was walking along when my foot slipped into a hole under the mud. I nearly went down, but a mate grabbed me and I regained my balance.

We got an oil drum pit it under a tree where the mud wasn't quite as deep, and used it as a sofa to sit on. We then spent a happy two hours getting stoned and watching people fall face first into the mud when they stepped in the hole. Hours of fun.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 14:23, 1 reply)

Bikers in Spain
Me and a mate were tearing up the tarmac in Spain and we came upon a couple of police bikers, they did a dangerous dodgy over take on the big fat BMW bikes which can catch most bikes, they overtook where there was a universal no overtaking sign.

We hung back and waited for a clear sport and hit the gas over taking a big truck of some kind, but just as it went into a no overtaking zone.

We rode around a big round about curious as to if they would stop us as they seemed to be tailing us for a couple of laps, then the blue flashing lights went on.

So we were taken to one side ticketed and lectured and fined €69 each.

At which one of the police officers says in his spanish accented English

"Only good riders like me and partner can ride like this," ,
" you and you very bad!,"
"do not do this again,"

At which we waited for them to leave, the cop at the front jumped on his bike, and kicked up his side stand, the cop at the back did the same but some how he dropped the bike...

The cop at the front saw this in the mirror or heard the crunch turned his head round backwards to watch with horror his partner making a tit of himself.

But he broke the golden rule of driving , eyes forward, and kept accelerating while focused on behind,

He put HIS bike into the side of a passing car and fell off unhurt.

We ran over and tried to help him, but he absolutely refused out help and refused to take off his helmet, we then ran over to the cop at the back and helped him lift his bike up...

We could feel the red glow through the dark tinted visors.
(kennichi, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 14:23, 2 replies)

We like our justice poetic.
Many years ago, when I took my first job out of college, I worked for a tiny consulting firm in Cambridge. The managing director was an Equine Rectum of a man, brimming over with self importance and snobbishness, who seemingly yearned for a time when he was at a rambling public school and was able to bully new boys with impunity.

After taking 6 weeks of his managerial effluent, I was at my wits end. Lets bear in mind I was quite well aware that as the new boy, I was going to have to perform some tea making duties, and a few menial tasks like distributing post, but I had to balk slightly when, on one snowy december afternoon he demanded I wash his car.

Picture the scene, dear reader, as I stand shivering in sub-zero temperatures, in a suit and tie, washing a 1989 Peugeot 405. By the end of it I was shivering profusely and barely able to feel my extremeties.

I was given coffee by the office secretary and allowed to sit next to the radiator. The thawing process was just beginning to take hold when one of the other directors walked into the room and asked "Did you put tyre dressing ALL over Peter's tyres or just on the wall?"

Apparently he had jumped into his car, sped out of the car park and completely failed to stop at the entrance, skidding out into the busy road and t-boning a rather irate neanderthal in his brand new BMW.

When I looked out of the window, Peter, usually so ebullient and confident, was desperately remonstrating with this simeon lifeform, which towered over him by a clear foot, and was dragging its knuckles along the floor.

He arrived back in the office sporting a very fetching black eye, in many rainbow shades.
(Vic Flange, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 13:20, Reply)

Park and Ride
Ex and I were sitting in the car waiting to go through the barrier of Canterbury Park and Ride, the car in front was just pulling up to the token machine.

Unfortunately the driver had stopped too far away from the machine to get his ticket. So we giggled a bit at the arm waving forlornly out of the car, desperately grasping at thin air.

We had given him plenty of room, if he had wanted to back up and realign the car he could have done so quite easily, but he didn't.

Oh no, he got the missus to get out of the passenger's side, walk round the back of the car, get his token for him and hand it to him. The barrier raised up, presumably on a timer, he drove forwards leaving her at the token machine. - We both looked at each other thinking "She's not going to.. is she?" Yes, she did.

She walked after her husband, timing her passage under the barrier perfectly. It descended onto her head with an audible *clonk* and part of the plastic covering snapped off and fell onto the road beside her. After seeing stars for a few moments and rather embarrassed, she quickly shoved the debris to the side of the road, and then tried to work out where the hell her husband had parked the car as he had completely buggered off now to find a space.

As it was a Park and Ride scheme, we then had to share a bus with them into the city centre, and unsurprisingly we were giggling the whole journey.
( Thrill_My_Chinchilla is old and unimproved, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 11:35, 1 reply)

Ooh, how apt
Er...see last week's QOTW.

I have never enjoyed being called a cunt so much.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 11:11, 1 reply)

Almost on topic.
When I was a young-un, my little (two years younger than me) sister had a habit, as young things do, of sticking things where they shouldn't go. (I sincerely hope this fad has passed).

One day she was experimenting with a bead. "Ah" thinks this young inquisitive mind, just the right size for a nostril. So up it goes, lost to all. Not a panic moment, at least not until the blood started to pour out. Thankfully mummy was quite perceptive and realised something wasn't quite as it should be and rushed her (and me by proxy) to hospital for removal of said nasal obstruction.

In her worried motherly haste, she bundled us out of the car, closing the door as she turned to the A+E entrance. Little sis' head sadly was in the path of the car door and after a resounding crunch/scream/plop the bead flew out and little sis smiles again. Back into the car and home again. Mummy was not really amused, but for a nasty older brother this was manna from heaven.

Never let her forget it though, brings many a smile to family gatherings.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 9:45, Reply)

You've been Shilpa'd!
Has be when Jade died of minge cancer. Not just at her, but at her kids too. Her mums only got one arm you know!
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 3:00, 8 replies)

Chili night
Rick, my work mate, seems a pretty normal guy. Keeps himself to himself most of the time so it was quite surprising to hear him tell this story that kinda changed our opinion of him.

He was on his way home from on a (previous job's) works do and was at a London station waiting for his train. He overheard an elderly gentleman ask a scallywag nearby to pick up the litter that he'd just dropped.
"Fuck off" was the reply this gent got. Not happy (although obviosuly fairly "merry") Rick thought that this youngster wasn't showing enough respect.
"Oi. Don't talk to someone like that.. Have some respect"
"Sorry mate, you talking to me?"
As the young chav approached and shoved Rick, Rick hit out and struck him on the jaw.
The chav backed off and went round a corner.

A few minutes later, Rick's train came in, but as he was about to get on he saw the lad return but this time with 2 bigger guys.
The choices were apparent:
* get on train and hide
* confront them

Not only did he (unsurprisingly) decide to confront them, he thought he should just steam straight in rather than risk being caught off-guard.
So steam in he did.
Right into this lad and the 2 plain-clothed policeman that the lad had reported the earlier scuffle to.

Needless to say he spent the night in the cells but was allowed home when he'd explained his actions and sobered up.

We don't drink that often with Rick. (or Rickll and Hyde, as he is know in these parts)
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 0:45, 1 reply)

cowdenfreude.
Taking joy in the misfortunes of udders.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 0:27, 3 replies)

anyone else seen avenue q?
"what's schadenfreude?"

"it's german for 'happiness at the misfortune of others'."

"oh. that IS german."

made me laugh anyway!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 19 Dec 2009, 0:06, Reply)

Alex and the kite:
Shortly after I had bought a new and particularly lethal power kite I was flying it at lunchtime on my school field. Caught by a gust, I was pulled about ten feet in the air. I managed to hold myself together enough to land it, but just barely. Then Alex demanded a go.

"OK" I said. "But you have to make sure you fly it to the side as soon as it gets airborn, or it will have you". "Yeah, yeah Mat" says he. "I've got it".

He had not. The kite rose a few feet above the ground, heading straight up. It seemed to pause and hesitate for a brief moment, and I thought he might get away with it. He did not.

A little bit of a background note here - Alex is extremely fit (far more so than me) and capable of running an eleven second hundred metres.

Powered by that kite, my friends and I later estimated that he covered eighty metres from a standing start in approximately six seconds. Props go to him for hanging on, especially as he was only on his feet for the first thirty - albeit taking strides some twenty feet long. When he finally came to a halt his previously white shirt was green. Not a patch of grass stian - the entire back and side of his shirt was bright, brilliant green which made a nice counterpoint for the angry red of the friction burns coating his right arm. He deserved it though. Pillock.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 18 Dec 2009, 23:59, 2 replies)