instead of going down the filthy path of more enjoyable loose girlfriends in my life
this year i find myself yet again sat at my festive xmas table
with a fat bird that doesnt gobble anymore....

*gets coat*
(Cov Boy, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 9:39, 11 replies)

Ok, first go at this. *awaits random flaming*
Long time lurker, but signed up in the end. Lurked since so apologies to the profile hunters.

One new years eve we were all out at the local and had our fill of ale. I was 18, had a crush on a girl a couple of years younger than me (enter Shambolic) but nothing ever happened there, other than I got to know her brother who was the same age as me. Ended up working as slaves at the same supermarket and became the best of friends. That night, Steve (as was his name) became increasingly interested with an "older lady" with a face like a bag of spanners who was with the group of girls we met there. She was ancient - a whole 7 years older than us. She had a young daughter and was known as a bit of a bike locally so I wasn't impressed, even less so with her interest in my best mate.

Anyhoo, drinks were had, midnight rolled past and the pub kicked us out. By this stage I had decided that this harriden was not fit for my mate and he should abandon his attempts to get laid. Being a mate, and drunk, this translated into "are you sure about this?" which was met with "yep I`m in, see you tomorrow".

I left and the deed was done. Thus followed the next 4 weeks of him telling me all the things they got up to, how well she gave head, the positions they tried and how often he made her cum (which to me at the time as a fully paid up member of the virgin club was wankbank gold, and worth taking notes for). Finally things got the better of him and he gave her the old "it's not you, it's me" speech. "You deserve better, you shouldn't be with me". Cue a distraught phone call to yours truely from said lass, who I had oddly formed a friendship with despite my initial misgivings. She was my best friends girlfriend after all, so I thought I should at least try to get along.

Long story short, after Steve dumped her in the best way he knew how, she called me. A few months later and the woman I had grave misgivings about and made some half arsed attempt to warn my mate about, became my girlfriend. There began the next 10 years of my life being manipulated and physically abused by this cow. *edit* should point out that I finally ended the relationship by giving her a grand so she could fuck off from my house which she refused to leave and set up elsewhere. The good old "you're dumped" simply failed to work - in her mind she had rights to live in the house I rented in my name whilst she was not paying a damn thing. Shortly before she finally fucked off she moved into one of her friend's house and whilst I thought salvation had come that only lasted two weeks before she moved back. I still wish I knew how her friend managed to banish her in one night when it took me months and a large amount of cash to shift her arse from my house.

Eventually I met a lovely girl where I worked at the time who had had a strikingly similar 10 year relationship with a guy who was equally adept at the mental and physical manipulation techniques. We got talking and eventually went on a date. She's upstairs in bed now as I type this and I couldn't be happier (not that I`m on b3ta and she's nicely out the way - I mean in a good way). More importantly she's happy too.

The regret? I`ve only had two sexual partners? Nah not really. We wasted 10 perfectly good years of our lives under the thumb of someone else who manipulated their way into our minds so much so that even the thought of breaking up was taboo. My girl and I could have met earlier maybe, had things been different, but I`m a firm believer in that your experiences to date make you the person you are. Had I met her first, all those years ago, I`d still have been an immature 18 year old and who knows where it would have gone. The life we have now? Unlikely, as much as I wish it were otherwise.

So for the tldr crew, with the exception of Chart Cat's post, dont regret what you`ve done or missed. It makes you who you are now. Shit happens (no pun intended) but things generally work out for the best.
(sumi, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 1:00, 48 replies)

Turkey!
I was 18 and just hanging around the street with my friend and his girlfriend.They suggested we walk to the local park to see if anything interesting was happening.They bumped into a girl they knew well. I had seen her about and had heard she was a bit of a wrong un.

Anyhoo, 15 minutes later i was told she wanted to 'get off' with me.
To my mind, that meant a bit of kissing.It soon became apparent that my expectations were about to be surpassed.

After a heavy kissing session underneath a street light at the park, she unzipped my jeans and started to fumble inside......

I was struck by a moment of sheer terror, and the now 38 year old even added me on Facebook to post on my wall about it -

24 hours earlier a friend had arrived back from holiday.He thought it would be a funny holiday present to buy me the biggest pair of blue saggy Y-fronts you have ever seen. Now, as a typical 18 year old in 1988, underwear was not being put in the wash basket as often as it should.So, with the underwear as scarce as it was, i thought who the hell is gonna see them?

'But it's only massively saggy blue Y-fronts,' i hear you not shouting.
Did i mention there was a massive turkey on the front with the motif 'Gobble gobble?'

The first time a girl puts her hand inside my trousers,and i'm hanging on to chastity for the sake of a fuckin' turkey!

She saw it and pissed herself laughing.It killed the moment and we never spoke again until 2 years ago on FB.

She asked me if i had ever told anyone about it.I told her i had posted about it on an anonymous forum a couple of years ago....

She asked me if there were any replies.

I said; 'yes, one bloke replied - Well, i hope she followed the instructions on the packet!'

She replied back; 'Well, i certainly didn't!'

And we speak even less now.
(Tivert, Thu 15 Dec 2011, 0:30, 7 replies)

Video GaGa
Not me but my best friend at the time... 100% true as I saw the whole thing on videotape...anyways

It was his 18th birthday and he decided to throw a shindig at his place. The place was packed and everyone was drinking merrily. About 15 of us were stuffed into his bedroom and listening to tunes on his computer when these two ladies of the "hawt" variety come in all a-giggly and start trying to find his porn folder on his computer. My mate sees this, promptly deletes the folder, quick as a flash hands them his video camera he got for his birthday and says "if ya want porno, you can make your own". The girls dont miss a beat and say that if he gets a fiver from everyone in the party they will do it.

Quick survey of the room reveals that while people would certainly like to see this played out, people were unwilling to part with their cash. My mate offers them 600 mushrooms (twas just after a bumper harvest) and they agree. He leads them into his mums bedroom and locks the door behind them.

We were gobsmacked. They were in there for two or three hours and only came out after they were interrupted by people needing their coats from the bedroom. The girls quickly make an exit and my friend comes right into us in the bedroom with a big smile on his face, plugs in the camera and laughs manically.

The girls had had a full on lesbionic fetish session. They were HOT. But they had firced him to turn off the lights, thinking it would be their dirty little secret. Nope. Fecking camera had night vision mode or whatever and got EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. Full on close ups, wide angle shots. You could almost see their cervices. And it went on. and on. and on.

Skip to the end of the tape and the girls giggle and invite him to join in and recieve the most coveted title a man can get - consentual threesome with two hot girls. He whips off his trousers and BANG BANG BANG BANG on the door. Two girls outside who aren't impressed with this going on want their coats so they can leave. He tells em to fuck off nicely. BANG BANG BANG BANG. WE WANT OUR COATS. Mate tries to salvage the situation and get coats out quickly but the lovely ladies were now skittish and promptly got dressed and scarpered. He was gutted.

We were still in school at the time and so were the ladies (different school). For months people that he didn't know were calling to his house asking to see the tape. Damn near every boy in their year saw it. The girls found out and made him burn the tape. A sad day.

Funny thing for me was that I went ot primary school with one of the lasses and always remembered her drawing pictures of bowser and stuff, next time i see her she is knee deep in her friends clunge.

TL;DR: Videotaped super girl on girl action, got invited to join in then got shut down just on the precipice of joy.
(a Granny My goal in life is to make Fritzl a verb, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 20:22, 8 replies)

I really want to click the replies tab below....
But I'm eating, so I assume it's best to wait....
( user_names_suck, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 19:30, 4 replies)

So you'll never have to answer this question.
Picture in replies.
( girlinthehole, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 19:00, 16 replies)

Loss of virginity (pearoast)...
...I was about 15 and had just been approached by a girl at the Youth Club who said she fancied me and that she was also "on the pill."
It took me about 5 minutes to realize she wasn't referring to a cold and flu tablet and we proceeded to the local park (always deserted at night except for teenagers doing unspeakables).
So we disrobed a little and with me on top I proceeded to lose my virginity. Problem was that I thought you just inserted and waited...so I laid there *totally* motionless and after a couple of minutes she gave some encouraging movements which quite startled me as I feared she must be an epileptic or something.
It was very disappointing, but she was very nice about it and didn't dob me in to my mates.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 16:13, 24 replies)

Having drunken sex with a dwarf
Silly mistake really, why would there have been a dwarf in my daughter's bedroom?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 14:32, 39 replies)

Not getting arse fucked,
by a Second Life unicorn.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 14 Dec 2011, 14:12, Reply)

1 tequila 2 tequila
While at Uni my mate won £100 on the fruit machine. We did the only sensible thing with an unexpected lump sum. Blow the lot on drink & drugs.

We bought some pot smoked a few doobs then went to the uni bar to get shitfaced. After several pints we decided to do a stupid amount of tequila slammers. After about 6 I decided that I really didn't want to throw up so I took a breather. Holding on to the bar I turned around to blearily look around. I caught the eye of a very cute girl standing near by. To my amazment she smiled and wandered over to where me & my mate were standing (ok wobbling) "Hi I'm feeling dirty, fancy a blow job?" she said

I boggled at her my drunk brain processed what she said but kept rejecting it as unlikely. After a long pause "Shorry Im bit pished what did shu shay?"
"never mind" she said, winked and wandered off to no doubt felate someone who wasn't a pissed up idiot
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:41, 4 replies)

getting a invite to pot the brown with the (now) ex mrs
only to end up trying to ram it home up her dirtbox
and her saying "it hurts" whilst lying in the fetal position crying on the bed

kind of made me feel villanous and also cured me of that fantasy all in one go......
(Cov Boy, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 13:28, 7 replies)

A few years ago, I was just coming out of a relationship
I'd been with the girl for just shy of two years, and I adored her, but she drove me mental. Add a few other details to it, and it's clear that the relationship was on it's last legs. About a week before we split up, I'd been out with a few friends, and had started chatting to another girl who was in our group, called Steph. Quite a pretty lass, but I knew she had a history of being an absolute tease, so when she was flirting with me, I openly flirted back, knowing that nothing would come of it.

A few days later, I split with my girlfriend, moped about for a few days, then decided that I had to MTFU and get over it, so I set out to do so. One part of this was to get back into an old routine where my friends and I would meet every Monday night for a few drinks, and anyone could join. The first night back, Steph joined us, and once again, we were flirting hugely, only this time it felt a little different. I tried not to dwell on it, but it looked like something may actually happen that night.

A few hours go by, the end of the night is approaching, and we're all rather drunk. I offer to walk Steph home (this wasn't uncommon), and she accepted. We're about 5 minutes out of the pub when she grabs my hand, pulls me into a side road, presses me up against a wall, and starts kissing me. 'Result', I think, but unfortunately I knew she was in the same position I'd been in a few weeks previously, and so I (very reluctantly) pulled away, saying she shouldn't really do this when she's had a couple of drinks. She agrees, thinks for a second, shrugs, and we start kissing again.

On the way to her house, we walk past a field, just off a main road. At this point, we've been stopping for kissing and fondles all the way, so we're both horny as hell, and just want to find somewhere/anywhere to go and have a little more fun. We smile at one another, and disappear into the field (the main road isn't lit very brightly, so as soon as you're about 15 feet from the road, no-one can see you). We start to kiss, start to strip each other a little, and things progress further. I won't go into the technical details, as I lack the writing skills to make it sound like anything more than it was, drunken fun. Eventually, she asks me whether I have any protection. I reach into my wallet, into the pocket (the zip pocket that runs along the back) where I always keep one, and can't find one, what a disaster!

I admit this to her, she admits she doesn't mind, and that I could 'maybe put it somewhere else instead?'. I've since found out from her friend that she's very much into anal, so something like this wasn't exactly unknown for her. Unfortunately, there's only so much of that you can do in a field when you've no lube, no huge amount of time to help her relax, or anything like that, as the temperature is dropping quite quickly. After a few tries, she admits it's probably not going to happen, as it's a bit tight. I grudgingly agree, and we get dressed again.

I walk her home, and head back to my house. As I get in, my housemate at that time asks me where I've been. I tell him the story, including the lack of condom, demonstrating by putting my hand into the pocket I always kept it, before letting it swing from my hand, at which point I feel something that feels awfully familiar. FUCK!

It turned out that for whatever reason, I'd put the condom on the other side of the fold, meaning that we could certainly have had more fun. Sadly, that never came to pass, as after she split with her fella (a few days later), she went off the radar for a while, started hanging round with other people. She reappeared months later, but it was clear any attraction that was between us up to that point was gone.

So there you go, I did have some fun, but my regret is simply not being diligent enough in checking my wallet.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 10:09, 25 replies)

rough sex..
My biggest sexual regret is happening right now, through one thing and another, sexual experimentation and such, I have discovered that my current squeeze is into a bit of bondage and rough sex. Which is really disconcerting, as she left a violent husband a couple of years ago.
I hated it, she got off with it... I'm in a huge quandry as she is wonderful in all other respects.
(lordy lordy, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 8:07, 20 replies)

How come you never hear of gay men
who had sex with a drag queen, only to find out it was actually a woman?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 0:13, 6 replies)

i once got straight up offered a blow job from a real cutie that used to hang about down the beach with us, and in a fit of bros before hos consideration said no because i knew a mate had the hots for her and would be gutted.

or so i thought, when he heard about said sacrifice via a mutual friend some time later he came to see me, pissed himself laughing and called me "a fucking poof" for not having gone for it.

Cunt. Still, lesson learned and all that.
(Matty73, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 20:11, 8 replies)

a friends bad idea ewww
When i was a panel beater a friend who liked getting very drunk and taking the illcit chemical, he got inthe situation where he got lucky with a girl this was before viagra so we sugested a trick had heard with deep heat the next day he said it work to a point but it was a long wait in A and E with his blisters
(tangles1968, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 19:59, 9 replies)

Car sex.
Utterly overrated.

Got an aerial stuck up my bum and petrol all over my willy. Never again.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:43, 8 replies)

I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:12, 8 replies)

This deserves another run out.
www.b3ta.com/questions/sexualmisconceptions/post258292
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 16:26, 8 replies)

A previous story just reminded me of another near-miss at a shot at losing my cherry.
As stated in previous posts I was into computers more than girls but around the age of 17 or 18 I started playing AD&D with a work colleague, who I eventually became good friends with.

This was probably the most social thing my normally reclusive self had engaged in at the time and I actually got to meet some girls. One was the wife of the DM, the other his married sister in law. But they were female, not much older than me and liked me.

We'd usually meet each Thursday but on this occasion he'd set up a Friday night session with some booze laid on. There was also a newcomer to our group, One of my mates neighbours, short, cute, around 25 and single - and she also had her own place. We got on like a house on fire and she seemed genuinely interested in all the semi-drunken bollocks that poured out of my mouth.

Our group met several more times at the weekend and it was always the same. She'd be really into everything I had to say.. But I never really thought much more about it, what with her being 7 or so years older than me and the fact I was a social retard when it came to girls.

It was quite some months (maybe years, I forget) later when I was out boozing with my mate and I mentioned this girl.

Oh yea, her. She was really into you. She told us that if the age gap wasn't so much she'd have been all over you like a rash. I told her to stay away as I knew what a she was like and she'd have probably fucked with your mind as much as she'd have fucked your brains out.

He patted me on the back like he'd done me a favour.

I'd really forgotten about this until a recent previous posting jogged my memory. I remember after this revelation thinking that if only I'd had the heads-up from him earlier my spotty little arse may have been bobbing up and down between her legs shortly before she left me an emotional wreck.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:30, Reply)

I once purchased some steel shoe protectors.
I wanted the XXXL size but they weigh about 10lbs each making it difficult to walk.
As the salesman said, "the biggest segs you'll regret"

RIS? Look here www.blakeys-segs.co.uk/
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:27, 18 replies)

Not me
A colleague of mine regales a story of how he met a slightly older lady in a bar, and following a few drinks proceeded to lead her outside into the car park to give her one over the bonnet of Ford Fiesta in typical classy fashion. Shortly after he began thrusting, he felt something soft and squidgy while holding on to her sides.



Her colostomy bag.

Of course I can't verify this as it's a second hand story, but I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would make such a thing up. And in case you're wondering, he claims that despite his discovery he did indeed finish what he started.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:39, 8 replies)