More doggy doo doo doings
So, anyhow, I used to work in this 'healthfood warehouse' place as a picker/packer, you had to drive around all day on this sort of electric flatbed thing and collect orders of prune juice, halva and stuff. One of the perks of the job was that if an order got sent back, you could buy articles form it for like a quid apiece.

One time this order cam back, and it had loads of this 'Super weight gain 2000' type bodybuilder supplement and, as this guy I worked with was trying to beef up, he bought the lot, took it home, eat some and went out weightlifting.

Next day, no news.

Day after, he reveals that he'd left the stuff in the lounge the previous day (he rented a room in a family home), unaware - having not read the label - that the bottles essentially contained little more than POWDERED LIVER. The families dogs, unable to resist the delightful odour, had ragged the bottles (they're just like big plastic jars) open and scoffe the lot, which had gone straight through them and all over the house, as there was no-one there to let them out.

Strange but true (unless he was bullshitting me - you never know)
( Liquid Crystal, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:14, Reply)

Christ, I can't believe I'm repeating this
Now it will haunt my profile for even longer...
One evening I had a jolly nice meal at an italian restaurant in town to celebrate my mum's birthday. Needless to say, I ate far too much rich food and got a little too tipsy, so forsook the lift home in order to walk it off. Bad mistake. I suffered from diabolical stomach cramps the whole way home and eventually shat myself on the home stretch, just round the corner from my house. All down my legs. And I was wearing an obscenely short skirt. Tried to clean it up a bit with some leaves without avail, so legged it the rest of the way home to present aforementioned mother with soiled clothing. Got to be one of the sickest birthday presents she's ever had.
Also, on a month long holiday to New Zealand we stayed in a campervan, and everyone swore not to use the provided toilet, instead trekking over to the campsite ones (in pitch black, in your nightie... yeah right). So, needless to say, my overeating once again got the better of me and woke me up in the middle of the night. Jetlagged, I groggily made it into the little loo in the van and dumped my load. Fast forward to the next morning, my dad, retching at the vile stench went to investigate. Alas, no-one had told me there was a cover sealing the toilet UNDER the lid, so the evil turd was just lying there. Ugh.
Sorry for length and general vomit-inducingness.
( useful_idiot, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:11, Reply)

:|
Me and my brother and one of his mates all visited the toilets of McDonald's after yet another unsatisfactory meal.

As we entered, there was a guy in the cubicle 'struggling' somewhat. To cover the sound of his admirable attempts to shit, we had the strangest conversation ever - about football.

Me - "Did you like my goal today?"
Bro - "It was good."
Me - "Mum says I'm the next Roy of the Rovers, no doubt"
Bro - "I never said either of neither."

After a short silence - another sound came from the occupied cubicle. A mixture of befouling and sniggering - a scary assault on our delicate ears.
(Market Man, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:02, Reply)

my good friends dave and nick
had been interrailing around europe, living off terrible food.
Having made it to Nice on the Med coast, they relaxed with a cold beer in a cafe facing the beach.
Nick is proud of his ability to fart - he told dave to brace himself and let rip, only for a look of pure horror to spread over his face.

"What?" asks Dave. "I've shat myself" replies Nick. Nick waddles off across to the sea clutching the bottom of his shorts and goes for a quick swim to disperse the poo.

he got a rousing round of applause on his return to the bar.
(Anger...Pain...Fear...Aggression...Watercolours?, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:00, Reply)

I worked at a high street mobile phone shop
one saturday we had a promotion thing on with a guy with a loudspeaker, prizes, all that stuff. We had just opened up and I went upstairs for a piss. I farted but "struck mud", in a spectacular and stinking way. Thank god I was in the toilet at the time as there was loads of runny mucus poo in my pants and I had a suit on, which could have been disasterous. Pooey pants left the building via the window, I cleaned up and went commando for the day (I later had to secretly climb out the window and retrieve my pants from the roof to dispose of them properly).
(mr pete, Fri 7 May 2004, 14:00, Reply)

Dave's Dog
Dave decided to take the family camping for the weekend. Top trip ensues, but Dave has trouble sleeping on the final night because Dog is very restless and keeps whimpering in the tent. Dave lets the Dog out of the tent for 5 minutes, but an hour later the Dog is whimpering and Dave still can't sleep. So, he locks the Dog in the car for the rest of the night. Job done... Dave wakes up the next morning to find that his car windows appear to be brown. It seems the cause of the Dog's whimpering was an impending bout of the squirts. Locking the Dog in the car merely upset the creature further, so it spent the wee hours of the morning running around the inside of the car in a wall of death style with liquid shite spraying out of its ring. It took Dave all of the following day to clean the car enough to allow them to travel home ( windows open ). Pressing any button on the dash for the first time, would tend to result in a little squirt of shite.. Insurance write off apparently.
(Anal Shitm, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:56, Reply)

You can try this at home!
A friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend had a party piece where he'd pull down his pants, point his arse at his wife, squeeze the very end of a poo out, exclaim "HOW'D YA LIKE THAT, THEN?", and then suck it back in again.

It went horribly wrong at a particular gathering when he squeezed a tiny bit too hard and defiled the carpet.
(gpoulton, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Excitement loosening the bowels..
One Easter my mate had commandeered his paretns house and proclaimed it a bachelor pad when they fooked off on holiday. ONe night, i took a rotter back there and foreplay commenced. Soon, her pants were round her ankles as she lay on the bed whilst I was administering hand relief. As I was feeling adventurous, i thought I'd see how many fingers I could get up there and lo and behold, 4 went in without any sort of squeeze. She was loving it...soon though, one of my mates burst in to take a photo. She wasn't impressed and dressed herself and left. About an hour later I returned to the room to find a foot long skidmark on the sheets. The point I ask myself everyday..was it that she literally crapped herself when the mate burst in, or was it because she was in the throws of ecstacy, that her bowels loosened...I like to think the latter...

Darkie
(Devilishlygoodlookingdarkie, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:54, Reply)

Le Turd
Rather stupidly agreed to host a French student for week. Who proceeded to, every morning, fail to flush. Every morning, there it was, staring up at me as if to say "BONJOUR, JE SUIS UN TURD". So when i went to France i got, drunk and got my own back by shitting in his shower....bwahaha
(Bebop4ever, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:48, Reply)

quite a shit shit story
My friend's dad is a biiig guy, so every time he needs to poop he does a 'courtesy flush' half-way through so he doesn't block the drain.

I scratched my head for hours trying to think of some kind of pun or something, but the best thing I could think of to call him was 'double-flushy'.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:45, Reply)

Dear dumb departed Rob
The guy who used to live in house immediately behind ours had 2 sons. The youngest one, Rob (stupider than turnips), pissed as a fart needs a shite. His bedroom door faces the bathroom door, this is too far for him too stagger apparently because his brother (tony) tells of the time he stood barefoot in a poo that was half jammed under Robs door. The next bit is heresay but the story apparently continues with Tony proving himself the spirit incarnate of Bruce Lee. Poo still lodged squidgilly between toes, he whoops, ki-ar's and hiyahs poor stupid rob until a final arm snapping wha-dah brings the events to messy painful conclusion.
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:29, Reply)

Fruit and Fibre
Ah, the joys of parenthood...One particular story concerning my young son that I know will destroy any cockiness in his teenage years, was as follows...Just me and the 2 year old staying at home one day, when I notice the tell-tale niff of nappy filling activity, and look round to see the boy curling off a 'right head-shaker'. Disgruntled that his Mum had gone out before this event, I steeled myself for the necessary nappy change, and put my son in position on his bed.
Popping open the Pampers, I notice that the Tom Tit is as dry as a bone, and looks like a bag of dark brown marbles. Nice. I pick up said soiled nappy, lob it in the bin, turn around and see my boy sitting up straight, looking relieved, naturally. Then, in a horrifying slo-mo moment, I see him look down, and reach for a small poo pebble that had rolled of the nappy, mid-change. Before I could stop him or scream 'Nooooo', he cheerfully said 'RAISIN!' and promptly bit into his own excrement.
Funnily enough, he wasn't impressed with the taste and instantly gobbed it out onto the duvet.
I've now got the perfect retort if ever he ever 'talks shit'...
(skinlesscod, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:24, Reply)

....but he still got a shag
Mate of mine was an usher at a wedding in Scotland, it was the whole caboodle, kilts and no underwear etc.
He got pretty pissed after the reception and chatted up a very attractive (or so he tells me) blonde girl whom he took back to his room for some nooky.
They were on the bed, still dressed when he suggested that he order a bottle of champagne to make it 'a bit special' so he rang room service who arrived a couple of minutes later.
He got off the bed, answered the door and went back into the room with the champagne.
The blonde had got off the bed and was straightening her skirt, saying that this was not a good idea and she didn't normally do things on the first date. She left.
He was completely bemused as to what had made her change her mind so quickly until he went back to the bed and saw an 18 inch skid mark on his side of the bed. He had not wiped his arse properly (as you do when pissed) and did not have the protection of boxer shorts / kaks.

He did however manage to get the blonde pissed later, and get a shag...in her room.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:23, Reply)

Not quite a shit story...

(iosef, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:19, Reply)

wet fart
When we were about 12 or so myself and my friends were hanging around "our" corner of the playground one breaktime. Being lads of a certain age (well obviously any age judging by this thread) we found farts in all their variations very amusing. Up saunters Rob -, assumes the one leg higher than the other farting position and loudly announces "hey lads... listen to this".
Of course, instead of the comedy, larger than life parping sound he was clearly expecting, what we heard was more of a slurping, squelching, slurry sound.
This was closely followed by rob turning white and waddling off, in that special legs wide walk that only comes from having shat yourself, in the direction of the school gates without muttering a single word.
(gentleben, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:16, Reply)

Phantom Dumper
I had a very boozy night out with some mates, and met up with a couple of girls who stayed over at mine with us. I did the gentlemanly thing by letting them stay in my bed, whilst I wasn't in it, without even vaguely pestering them to play hide the sausage with me.

Next morning we get up. Hungover to the point of being the critical list. All of us. I go to the bathroom and see shitty fingerprints on the wall by the bog. Evidence of someone in distress gripping for purchase. I found these smears rather disturbing. No one admits to them.

The girls leave, commenting that the flat smells of shit. Not the best impression. I have no sense of smell having imbibed all of the world's evils on the previous night. I set my friends on the task of locating the offending area.

Eventually we found it. A large black liquid dump on top of a bin bag by the front door of my flat.

Drunk and incoherent one of my mates had got up in the night, not found the bog, squatted and shat on a bin bag full of rubbish in my hall *then* realised what a mess he was in, staggered to and located the toilet, smeared shit up the walls, attempted to sort himself out and eventually returned to bed.

Neither of my mates admitted to it, but we had our suspicions. It was black and practically had a head on it, and one guy had been drinking guinness all night immediately after flying home from LA. The last thing I saw of him that night was him sat on the bed, vomiting into my favourite mug.

Instead of dragging admissions out of people, we did the honourable thing and we all dealt with it, in the manner a Hollywood moview where college kids commit some terrible murder and swear to never speak of it again.

Oops.
( SpunkyBackpack, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:15, Reply)

tough shit
One time when I was about 7 or 8, I had really hard poos, and one got stuck half way out my arse and my mum had to pull it out.
(leopold, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:10, Reply)

My dad's favourite poo story...
My dad loves to tell this story, given half an excuse:

He works on a large country park, and years ago when it was first being developed he was in charge of a couple of YTS trainees that had been placed there. In the afternoon of their first day, one of the YTS lads announced that he needed to use the toilet - but as the park was in its infancy, there were no 'facilities' for (literally) miles around. So, armed with the bogroll carried in the Land Rover for just such emergencies, he disappeared into the bushes to answer the call of nature.

Time passed, and eventually the lad re-emerged looking very sheepish and asked to be driven back to the main depot (where there is a shower block). He was wearing dungaree-style overalls which, once unbuttoned, had obviously spread out on the ground behind him. So not only had he managed to crap in his overalls, but the first thing he knew about it was when he tried to hitch them back up again and a fresh turd hit him at the back of the head.

To add insult to injury he wasn't qualified to drive and everyone who was refused to drive him because he smelled so bad. The poor guy had to walk several miles back to the depot with that morning's breakfast stuck on the back of his head.
(dangleberry, Fri 7 May 2004, 13:10, Reply)

Holiday Horror
I remember this as if it were yesterday.

Our family was sitting in pub/restaurant ordering and my dad had popped off top the loo.

We continued chatting & ordered our drinks after a little while we noticed the most awful stench, a kind of feces/vomit combo fresh from the oven. We were not the only ones as we looked around we noticed everyone had stopped eating and drinking and was curious as to the souce of the smell.

Cue dad attempting to stealthly leave the toilets as a wall of putrid shit stench struck the the room from the open toilet door. He took one look around the pui and left. We quietly paid for our drinks and left shortly after not wishing people to realise we are related. Days later in the hotel people were still commenting this pub had a smell not unlike the feces of the damned.
(burning sensation, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:58, Reply)

Bucketing out of both ends
There was one occasion I was staying round at my girlfriends and I ordered a chinese takeway. I remember eating it thinking: "hmmmmmmmm this Chinese smells like cat food". I ate about third of it and then binned the rest.

Needless to say, about an hour later there were rumblings of discontent from my bowels. The evacuations were explosive, liquid and violent. I think I must have spent the whole night either running too or squatting on the lav. In fact I did so much shitting that by the following day my shits had a clear, glutinous, jelly like quality.

You won't be suprised to here I didn't order from that Chinese again.
(Sadows98, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:50, Reply)

I once had a pretty bad day.
I have no idea what I ate, lots of salads, green peppers and stuff like that.

When I went to take a dump the next day, my poo came out green. Not greenish, but seriously INTENSE green. ^_^
(GiveMeMyLiverBack, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:50, Reply)

One of our teachers....
Used to bring her whippet to school with her.
The cruel cow used to keep it in her car all day. with a window open a little bit to let the air in.
One swelteringly summers day we decided that the time had come to be cruel to be kind and so pushed a full bar of laxative chocolate through the car window.
I can only ask that you use your imagination to the fullest when picturing the scene resulting from a dog that has completely loosed its bowels in the back of a car that was doubling as a greenhouse on that summers day.
The contorted expressions that the teachers face went through as she attempted to get the car into a drivable state whilst hundreds of pupils gathered round to watch was fantastic.

She never did bring the dog to school again.
(Troncmaster, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:47, Reply)

My Mate's Accident


I woke up after a big night to go to the toilet to just find a pair of soiled pants lying on top of the toilet of the big student house...placed like a Van Gogh painting, it looked like the sunflower one.

Being a bit worse for wear, me and Ray got a hockey stick and were dangling them over his face when he was sleeping, plopping them on his head and then cracking up...we then hooked them around the back of his bed by his face and went out the room.

When he woke he looked sooo sheepish, we then told him that we heard screams from a girl in his bedroom in the night and she left...we didn't know who she was, he pulled her on the way home, saying something about you getting all shit freaky on her or something...

He looked so bad and didn't go out for 4 months afterwards! We didn't feel bad because he was a bit boring when out anyway :D

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:20, Reply)

2 more
When my brotherin law came on his first camping holiday to France with us, he wasn't use to squatter toilets, and I kid you not sat on them.
And I was once working in a call centre, we had a nasty smell in the knitchen for a few days, when finally we managed to find the cause, someone had put a turd in the potted plants.
(albator, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Thermals....
On a ski-ing holiday several years ago, an old classmate had a nasty accident. When receiving one-one tuition (this bloke really could not ski) he snow ploughed into a ditch.

Prone to pining on school trips for his mother (despite we were 16 or so) he was pretty depressed and had been feeling unwell. Anyway he hit this snow bank & "superman'ed it" into a ditch about 4 feet deep full of snow. Where he puked in panic, then shat himself. Liquid shit. Lots of it.

We were on this trip in Canada, a very cold country which was averaging about -30 when we were out there. He was wearing thermal long johns, two pairs of trousers, all tucked into his ski boots.

THe PE teacher who headed up this trip after somehow getting him cleaned up, then took a very large bin liner of stained clothing to the hotel reception desk and asked for it to be dry cleaned. So he told us afterward the receptionist opened it to have a look inside and nearly passed out.

Sorry for length, but had to tell the world.
(diessel, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:19, Reply)

my old boxer dog used to eat pretty much anything
2kg tubs of margarine resulting in the slimiest shit ever, and the best one was a load of lluminous silly putty. The turds glowed at dusk.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:07, Reply)

A few years ago
I was on a kibbutz in Israel, this really good looking english girl there shat on a plate and ate a bit of it with some bread. It was minging. Someone took pictures. Then later for the amusement of everyone else she attempted to ram an enormous vegetable up her fanny. That wasn't at all minging, quite pleasant to watch in fact.
(mr pete, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:05, Reply)

Number 2 *snigger*
Mum's current husband went on holiday with his nephew to Tenerife. After sampling some of the possibly out of date shell fish, they both developed the urge to evacuate at irregular intervals. They were caught by surprise at one point and made a dash for McDonalds, they burst into the stalls at which point a lot of noise was heard by my step dad followed by the nephew saying.

"Hey Vern, some dirty bastards shit up the wall."

Last one from my Aunt:

She was in some foriegn country either in Asia or Africa, I forget which, and she developed banji belly (apologies for spelling). In her hotel room she suddenly got the urge to splurge, so went to the toilet. As she bent down to remove her knickers she suddenly let rip and, as she described it, pebble dashed the wall and toilet. The worst part is instead of trying to clean it up herself, she phoned down to reception for them to send a cleaner up.
(Former Woolies worker (pity me), Fri 7 May 2004, 12:05, Reply)

Pink Flamingoes
I've not seen a mention of the above film yet.

It came out in late 70s/early 80s and starred Divine, the monstrous american tranny. The film was so disgusting it was only shown at private viewings. We used to go to the Phoenix in East Finchley - late night double-bills - and they had it on one night.

The finale of the film shows Divine walking his dog down the street, the dog stops, poohs on the road, Divine bends down, scoops it up and puts it in his mouth, chews with mouth open.

At this point the WHOLE AUDIENCE says in unison:

"OH MY GOD!!!"

I've no idea if it is real or not, but it certainly looks real.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:04, Reply)

Dogs and Clothes
I have a border collie called Amos. When he was 12 months old, clothes used to go missing i.e. underpants, balled up socks and tights.

We often wondered where they went.

Looking out of the window one day we found out!

There was Amos - squatting have a poo - first came out the perfectly balled up socks, followed by the underpants. This was quite funny, but not as funny was we howled as the tights soon followed. But they did not completely come out of his backside, but just hung there. He then spun round at took hold of the tight with his teeth and then procceded to pull them from his arse!

It should have killed him - but me and the wife nearly died laughing!
(Dirtyleeds, Fri 7 May 2004, 12:00, Reply)