My dad has now emailed me a picture. Allow me to introduce...
Ewan Geoffrey Scott, born 12:45 on the 30th of December 2008.




A ray of sunshine on what otherwise was, for me, a rubbish day.

Edit: I've also figured out what this picture reminds me of. "A frickin' 'laser'".
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 22:55, 30 replies)

Magic TV
When I was about 7 and my older brother was 12 our TV was a huge wood panelled thing with wonderfully clunky buttons like pegs that you had to push in to change the channel.

We would want to watch different things so we would be constantly fighting until my brother had an idea. He said that he had seen a TV that could show more than one channel at a time. If pushing the buttons in changed the channel then if you had more than button pressed, logically, you should be able to see more than one channel. Surely that was the answer to our dilemma.

We tried it at once I held one button in and he tried to push another. It wouldn't work as the TV had some sort of "censor system" (his words) which meant that as soon as one button was pushed the other would automatically come out.

We were so close to magic TV bliss that we decided to carry on. Maybe, he said, it was an adult thing and kids weren't strong enough to do it. Thats when I hit on the idea of using a hammer.

Yes, I hammered all four buttons into the set, that way we would never have to change channels. The TV blinked and then died, never to lighten our living room again.

We both got the kind of beating that I would only be able to describe in a "whats the most painful beating your parents gave you?" qotw.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Tue 30 Dec 2008, 22:27, 2 replies)

He does terrible things with my winky in the night.
I can't tell mum. Help me.
(SSSSS, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 22:09, 1 reply)

I have a younger brother
We get on really well now, and he's a great uncle to my son. We've had our moments in the past - I locked him in a suitcase when we were younger, he kind-of swiped my coat in revenge. OK, he didn't, he borrowed it because his girlfriend had his, and left me a biscuit. Well, except for eating the biscuit.

But the night that I immediately thought of - he and I were out drinking. Now, he was a ski instructor at the time, and so had the alcohol tolerance of a small country. I... didn't. So, a small argument broke out as we rolled back into the house. We gently (and in my case almost incoherently) bickered backwards and forwards, until I delivered Teh Blow of Doomz. I said "Yeah? Yeah? Well, er, your mother's got a penis!"

This did not get the reaction I'd been hoping for. Well, except that he honestly thought for a moment that he had genuinely pissed himself laughing. When he could finally speak once more, he reminded me that, as brothers, we have the same mother. And so, if his mother had a penis, so did mine. Kind of sums up our relationship really.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 22:03, 4 replies)

Younger bro.
But did any 1 else use to absolutely despise their younger brother/sister to the point that if they even talked to you you'd have a huge go at them, yet when you went of to university you discovered that you actually quite loved the bastards?

I have a younger brother (3 years, he's 17) and since I left he has got tattoo's, piercings, dreadlocks and other funky hairstyles and become a death metal singer in a local band with a bit of a following at one time. A fact I love telling all my friends because quite frankly he's ace.

Anyway he also dabbles in drugs, a fact I'm not hugely impressed with but I guess he knows his bounds and the likes so I leave him to it.
At this years Leeds Music Festival I was camping with a bunch of my friends from my home town and a few days after we arrived my brother arrived with his girlfriend in tow to camp with us, we helped him pitch his shit and he had a few drinks then went wandering of on some mysterious errand.

After ages we are all rather drunk and my brother comes waltzing back to camp with a giant smile on his face proclaiming that he has made 150 quid! We ask him how he managed this to which he answers that he had been selling pills at double their normal price to people.

Now one of my friends here had just got a new job and he had brought one of his work mates along with him, my friend knew my brother well and got on with him. So he leaned forward slowly and rather menacingly and says to my brother "I got a new job recently (brother), want to know what I work for?". "Yeah, what?" replies my now slightly worried brothers. "I work for the police!" (true) my friend exclaims, "And so do I!" pipes in my friends work mate.

At this point my brother just plain froze and looks like he was about to follow through in fear but my friends just stared for a bit to scare him then laughed and said it was alright as it was a music festival and they knew him and, obviously, they weren't exactly on the job.
(Guilt wants to get in your moist confines, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 21:53, 2 replies)

How Ironic...
A girl 2 years younger than me said to me last night I am like the older brother she has always wanted...

That warmed my heart so much...

Not funny, but I just wanted to share it...
(GoldfishWrangler a.k.a Sinbad Agincourt, Turkish Pornstar, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 21:22, 12 replies)

Not my fault...
First post after lurking on and off for the best part of five years... be gentle with me!

Anyway.

Roll back a decade and a half to when I was not yet a teenager. My dad and I are standing - actually in the very spot where I'm sitting typing this - watching my brother, two years younger than myself, out in the garden with a bamboo cane, causing wanton destruction to a bunch of innocent plants. Ten minutes pass, dear brother wanders in to find himself confronted by the father.

Dad: "What d'you do that for?"
Bro: "...wot?"
Dad: "Smashing up those plants."
Bro: "Wasn't me. [cap'n] did it."

...which was swiftly met with a clip 'round the ear and a comment of "he was standing here with me watching, y'cheeky little shite". Cue brother running off to wallow in embarrassment.

I'm off at university now and he's away living with friends, but "[cap'n] did it" has become a family in-joke by this point and they all say it when challenged on anything, regardless of whether or not I'm in the house/town/county.

Great lad, though. Hated each other when we were teenagers but we've been getting on famously for ages now.
( Dave McF wrote some words on, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 19:08, Reply)

Steve, and the true meaning of Christmas
Steve is a glass-half-empty kind of guy, and has always been like that. He was 5 or 6, and we were sitting in the front room on Christmas Day, feeling pretty good about the world, when he turns to me and says

"Christmas. That's it. Come and gone again"

With the kind of hangdog delivery that Tony Hancock would have been proud of.

My Dad nearly had an aneurysm he laughed so hard, whilst Steve scowled at him from the other side of the room.

What a gem.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 18:51, Reply)

Cot Death Failure
I am 8 years older than my sister. When I was 11 or 12, I thrashed her at a pillowfight. Obviously, it was a pretend fight and I didn't hurt her, but she didn't like losing, so started crying and told our mother I had indeed hurt her. I was sent to my room.

In my room, I grew angry. I left my room, and found my sister's large, heavy doll's house. I tied a piece of sewing thread to it, and looped the thread around an old hook above her bed, where a forlorn paper mobile once hung. I raised the doll's house to the ceiling, and tied the other end of the threads to her ladybird book, which I placed at an angle beneath her pillow.

My plan of her head resting on the pillow later that evening, causing the thread to break and the doll's house to crush her wretched lying skull failed (fortunately for me). She took one look at the device and called my mother; I was confined to my room yet again.

She still brings this up whenever she meets my friends for the first time. "My brother tried to kill me", she begins. I keep having to find new friends.
(timewaster treemagnet, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 17:21, Reply)

Miraclebrother the Bastard....
Would frequently wake me up by gently shaking me and whispering...

"Wake up! It's Christmas Day!"

And every time, for a few glorious moments, it was. And then it wasn't.

If anyone else has had Christmas stolen from them a hundred times, they'll know my pain.

I don't like Christmas these days. I wonder if these two points are in some way connected?

Bastard.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 16:41, 2 replies)

BigTrak
I chose that as the subject because of all the awful things my younger brother has done to me, making my beloved BigTrak go down the stairs and smashing the trailer to bits and breaking the wheel supports probably stands out as STILL the most gutting.

I have 2 brothers and a sister, and we've all done some pretty horrible things to each other...

My brother Dan is 4 years younger than me (I'm 31) and as kids that was enough of an age gap to make a MASSIVE difference. To compound the issue we also had to share a bedroom until I was 16, as my sister obviously had to have her privacy and we only had 3 bedrooms.

Other highlights include:

Him laying on his bed screaming and fake crying that I was punching him (I was 6 feet away on my own bed) so Mum/Dad came in and invariably gave me a thrashing - no questions asked.

Him laying on the floor after I punched him screaming that he couldn't move his legs, making me very nearly piss myself in fright, only to jump up five minutes later by which time I was ashen, to laugh in my face.

Me regularly holding him down and farting in his face/mouth.

Me holding pillows over his head until he cried that he couldn't breathe. "You must be able to" I'd reply, "You can still talk".

Sister regularly paralysing us with her amazing 'dead-arm' ability.

Sister busting my head open 'accidentally' with a brick hammer.

Me making my brother's legs literally collapse underneath him by jumping out of the cupboard under the stairs one day to frighten him. He got his revenge on that one though, as after that he would never go downstairs to pee in the middle of the night by himself anymore and I had to go with him or get no sleep (Unless I could persuade him to pee out of the window onto the kitchen roof).

Apologies for length, etc, etc. But YOU asked.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 16:39, 1 reply)

My brother from another mother
I will start by saying I am an only child. Well I may as well be an only child as my biological father, whom I have never met and never wish to as he beat my mother whilst pregnant with me, has 3 other children that I also haven't met.

I digress...

From a very young age, say three or four, I was absolute best buds with a lad that lived around the corner from me. We were as thick as thieves, some said we even looked similar and we did everything together. I remember countless times playing transformers or lego together, playing board games and hide and seek - all the usual kiddie stuff. I also remember the sleepovers we had where we would completely destroy the room and make a pretend fort and just play games in until we were caught and told off for not going to sleep or just fell asleep as it was so late. Growing, up we both were into the same things, computer games, racing cars, sports and more importantly at the time stealing booze from his dad and get wasted and play 3am knock down ginger with our neighbours. We were practically brothers and even our own parents called each of us their 'surrogate sons'.

So life is as usual until we reach the age of wanting to explore the realms of the opposite sex. I was abnormally shy, though I could speak to girls no problem - sealing the deal was seemingly always unobtainable but my mate apparently was the Don Juan of the teenage world. Girls loved him and he loved them. Yeah I was jealous that he had got to 4th base before I had, a kind of sibling rivalry I guess, but really to me it made no difference.

So fast forward a little bit and one day we are having our usual tipple of his dads pinched gin (I now HATE gin incidentally) and he divulges some information that took me by suprise....

"Spangulum... I have something to tell you..."

"oh yeah...?"

"I haven't really had sex with a bird yet... I was just lying so nobody would know my true feelings..."

"fair enough" was all I managed to get out before he continued.

"...I actually really fancy you...love you... and want you to be my first."

...


...


...

I ran... ashamed to say it but I got up, left his house and bloody ran all the way home: shocked, stunned and just really confused at what he said. I was categorically not that way inclined, and am still not for the record, and never really considered myself homophobic at all - but this just really freaked me out. The whole night I couldn't sleep, just thinking about what was just said and the situation I was put in. Sobered me up damn fast I can tell you!

The next day he saw me again and pretended to not know what happened so naturally I did the same... I guess just hoping each other would have forgotten as we were both pretty drunk but it was pretty obvious due to the tension in the air that we both were very well aware.

We didn't really speak anymore after that... it has now been about 12 years that I haven't seen him and miss him as a mate - and kind of miss that feeling that I had a brother of sorts. God knows what I must have put him through by running like I did epsecially when he put his heart on the line like that. I still feel bad to this day and wish I had handled things differently.

Sorry for the lack of laughs or puns - this is just something that has been locked away inside my head for a long time and I suppose needed to get out.
(Spangulum nailing your mother since 1824, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 16:37, 10 replies)

I have a new baby brother
Born today at 12:45, 8lb 12oz!

Sadly, I don't think I'll get home to take pictures before this QoTW ends, so no first page for me :P
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 16:36, 4 replies)

My Sister
Was never what you'd call an academic.

She was usually far too busy prancing round her room to Duran Duran whilst applying enough hairspray to her Flock of Seagulls barnet to asphyxiate a small army.

My sis would ask me, her little brother, for help with her assignments.

I think my personal highlight was when she had to make a presentation in front of her whole year at school for history class. My sis always loved being the centre of attention so jumped at the opportunity to be admired and adored by her peers.

Turns out the info I gave her was wrong. And she nearly killed me when she came home from school that day.

The queen of the Iceni tribe who led an uprising against the occupying forces of the Roman Empire was not, in point of fact and as I advised, named Cheetara.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 15:10, 3 replies)

Siblings
Wow! I can post now :D

I've got a little brother, I'm 17, he's 15, about 18 months between us. I'm doing A Levels and working, and keeping myself fit, where my little brother isn't doing GCSE's, doesn't plan on getting a job (he said he'd turn up to a job interview in a tracksuit!) and is a smoker.
One of his favourite stories to tell is that when I was 9, we were all messing about up at a building site, and he smashed a concrete block over my head, requiring stitches. To this day, he calls that a 'fight' and one that he won.
Me & my little brother argue a lot, get into scuffles, hate each others friends and hate each others dress sense, and each others attitudes. However, I love him & I know he feels the same. Honest. He told me.

EDIT: Wow! A learner sign :)
(ColinS needs to eat, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 15:01, Reply)

My older brother
could be a right shit to me at times ... but mostly he was fab.

When we were little, he repaired so many things that I broke so I wouldn't get into trouble with mum. He was a dab hand with that Airfix glue, I tell you.

He scrubbed pen marks off the carpet many a time, again, so I wouldn't get into trouble.

I would never have passed my Maths exams without his help.

He used to drive 15 miles into town at stupid o'clock in the morning when I'd spent my taxi money on more booze than was good for me. Then he'd lie to mum in the morning about what time I had got home.

He once drove right across the country to pick me up at the airport at 6 o'clock on a Sunday morning, after mum forgot. Yes, forgot. Her only daughter, first holiday without the parents, but she forgot I was due home. Thanks mum.

He was the only one in the family who made my first real boyfriend welcome in the family home. My parents barely even spoke to him. His sin? He was unemployed, at a time when 10% of the population were on the dole.

When I was a skint new parent, he bought a new tumble drier for me, when I couldn't afford to.

These are just a few, I could go on and on and on. Which brings me to why I've hardly been here for the last month or so. In between organising for Christmas, I've been helping him move house, and "sort out" the new place.

Soppy, I know. I'll dredge up a few of his pranks later.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 30 Dec 2008, 14:00, 1 reply)

Father's Occupation
'What's your father's occupation?' asked my school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
'He's a magician, Miss.' I said.
'How interesting. What's his favourite trick?'
'He saws people in half.'
'Gosh! now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?'
'One half brother and two half sisters.'


/coat
(jackhiggs no longer a v!rgin as of..., Tue 30 Dec 2008, 13:57, Reply)

Not funny
I was born in Liverpool. My mum had four kids, i'm the oldest. I had one half-brother Darryl and 2 half sisters Shirley and Leanne. We all had different dads i think. Mum was a junkie and probably a prossie. When i was 10 we all went inot care cos my gran died. I never got a home cos i was a pain just childrens homes. I used to run away alot cos i got bullied at the homes and at school. When i was 17 i ran away to London and ive not been back.

I lived pretty rough for ages. Did some stealing and eded up in a skwat. Then i started selling Big Issue and got myself together a bit. You might of seen me outside Kings Cross in the late 1990's. I did plenty of bad stuff but i got through it. If you seen a big scotsman with a eye patch, that was me what done it to him. I was pretty hard by thne and i tried to look out for the kids i seed what were like i was when i got here.

One time, i was just selling and i seen a girl with a bag what looked lost so i says to her "You all right love?" but she ran off. I kep seen her around and she was with a guy that was a right barstard so i says to her "Look, do you need somewere to kip cos i got a skwat and its ok."

Anyway, she come back to my place and i lets her sleep on the floor. She all skinny and i seen her rists was all cut and stuff. So i tryed to find out wot she was up to. Her name was Sky and she was just 16 and we had some drinks and a smoke and she venturly got warm and et some food too. Anyway, when i went to bed she climed in to and then we had sex. I told her i would look after her for a bit cos she was relly nice an that. When we got up we talked abit about wot we done an that. Turns out she was from Liverpool to and was in care to. I sed "Skys a funny name, sounds a bit hippy. I didnt see any hippy kids wen i was in care." so she says "Well my real name was horrid so i calld myself Sky cos its like a nice name." so i says "Wots your real name then" and she says "Leanne". turnd out she was my little sister.

I got drunk for about four or five days and she disapered. I never seen her again aftre that but somwun told me she was a junky so god nos whot happend to her then. I got sober and now i work in a kitchen but some times i wish i was ded.
(HRH Prince Harold Bow down to me you bastards, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 13:47, 6 replies)

"Rubby"
“Rubby”

I could write a book on my brothers. I have three of them. The first three of us were born within 2-3 years so we were close growing up together in the I’ll-kill-you-if-you-annoy-me-but-if-anyone-else-touches-you-they’re-dead kind of way.

The fourth came along 12 or so years later and grew up completely differently as an effective only child with three uncles who came and went at different intervals more or less.

We are all close but his experience has been vastly different.

Before he was born, the brothers and I had invented a game called “Rubby”. It wasn’t rugby. It was much more violent. The youngest one has never played “Rubby” – he would be killed if he did.

The basic premise is, “I’ve got it, come get it”.

The ball, that is - tightly wrapped in one arm as the other fends off all attackers.

“Rubby” is best played by three people, ideally brothers with a no-holds-barred rule.

Thus, when one possesses the ball, the others must conspire to obtain it from him then betray one another shamelessly upon gaining possession of said ball.

Once in possession of the ball, the goal was to run away, keep possession of it for as long as possible and in a final, profligate act of sheer, victorious joy and adrenaline, once utterly shagged out, to punt it in the air as high as you can and embark in a fabulous melee of rucking, violence and underhandedness to gain control of the plummeting torpedo.

No tactic was against the rules.

There were no rules.

Cuts, bruises, cracked ribs, broken teeth, concussions and bloody lips and noses were all obtained in the glorious pursuit of this wonderful game.

No one ever became champion.

No one even got better at it.

It was, is and always will be, simply,

“RUBBY!”

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 13:18, 1 reply)

Lies
Some things my parents probably still believe

Brother 1 found his dog wandering around as a stray. He didn't buy it from someone who was going to jail.

Brother 3 jumped out of a window because brother 1 told him to, not because he wanted a secret cigarette.

I have never, whilst babysitting, lost any siblings.

I think we all the siblings probably know secrets about each other that we haven't let on about - I have some details about the troubles my brother's virginity got him in to for example. The information is being held back in what is essentially a familial cold war.
(teebie jeebie, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 13:00, 1 reply)

Naff Presents
I'm 53, and my brother is 49. Other than him opening my head with a lump hammer when he was 18 months old, for reasons unknown, we've got on pretty well. He doesn't interfere with my life, I don't with his. We see each other occasionally, and have a good time. For my 50th birthday he even bought me a helicopter ride over Trent Bridge whilst a Test Match was on, which was a pretty ace present. Usually presents are ok without setting the world on fire. A dozen golf balls for a golfer of my (lack of) calibre is a pretty decent gift, I'd say.

So imagine my surprise when I opened my pressie this Christmas to find a fibre glass birdfeeder, adorned with fibreglass robins, with holes so tiny that a goldcrest would struggle to get through, neatly labelled "Not For Use Outdoors"!!!!!!!!!!!

Big dilemma! Do I say something or not? However, my mum's present was even worse taste, although similarly themed with the aforementioned fibreglass robins, and I think she'll be having a word......................

This would make a good question of the Week, methinks!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Tue 30 Dec 2008, 12:49, 2 replies)

Oh to be young and foolish again!
I'm the youngest of three brothers, therefore the one to suffer in every situation. Due to our play fights (resulting in me taking a smack to the head or a kick in the stomach) 'the A team' and WWF wrestling was actually banned in our household until we could watch it without meeting in the middle of the lounge afterwards for a battle royale.... A battle i never won.

Aside from the ritualistic torture and verbal abuse i got from my brothers, i remember one occasion that i STILL haven`t forgiven them for..... (I refuse to do the 'wavy line' thing for it is the Noughties and it just makes me plain sad when people do)....

I was about 5 or 6, It was mid july, not long after my birthday which i celebrated in style, Jelly, cake, ice-cream, bitches and Speed. I sat in the front garden watching the blazing sun dip below the horizon, playing with my Lion-o (make of that what you will but it DID have a red end) listening to the themes from rainbow and button moon and other 80's things you'll find on 'best of' shows...and all was well with the world.

After tea and a bath, i was all tucked up in under my star wars blanket in my spiderman pygama's and ready to drift off when my Brother came in to the room. With a large smile and an evil glint in his eye, he prodded me awake promising great news.

"It's Christmas tomorrow" he told me. "Make sure you get to sleep as fast as you can so it'll come round quicker"

I nodded excitedly, closed my eyes and tried desperately to get to sleep, attempting to guess what i was going to get and quite how it had slipped my mind!? Christmas! Yaaaaaaayyy....SNooorrrrrre (Nb, This is a dramatic device. I didn`t snore as a child, neither do i snore now. I sleep like an angel and anyone who tells you different is a twat and should be burned for heresy)

I awoke at 3:30...Too excited to sleep anymore, knowing that HE had been as everyone knows he comes at midnight...right? I quietly got out of bed, crept out of my room and down the stairs. The suspense was killing me. Down the hall, through the door in to the lounge...but wait.... No christmas tree.... No decorations.......No presents!?!

A part of me died that warm summer night.

When my dad got up to tell me off for getting up in the night and wandering around the house (A double wammy of hurt), he found me sitting in the middle of the floor, Quietly weeping in to my Spidey Jim jams, vowing to never believe my brother again...ever!

I got the last laugh though, Come Christmas for real, i sawed of his face,rubbed thermite in to his open nostils and set fire to him.*

*may not be true, I just realised how long and serious this is. Thanks for your time, it's been very cathartic.
(Billyfindus Shy and retarded since, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 12:48, 1 reply)

Bets
My little brother bet me and my little sister that we couldn't push him out of the (first floor) bedroom window.

We got him halfway out, but at that point he became more determined about staying in, while me and her got less serious about pushing him out as we considered the possibility we might get into some sort of trouble if he dashed his head open on the concrete slabs below, or impaled himself on the spikeyfence.
(teebie jeebie, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 12:26, 1 reply)

Fresh off the printing press
My younger brother, who is 17, is now apparently going senile.

I was hanging my towel up on the bannister for it to dry out, when I heard him shouting out "You twat! You twat!" over and over.

He's in the shower. He isn't on the phone or any such communication device.

He's also shouting loud enough to be heard across the entire house, and no-one has a clue why he's shouting.

Then again, I suppose that madness does run in our family, as my eldest brother has tried to drown me repeatedly whilst we were both in a swimming pool, with him jumping on me (I was 8 stone at the time, he was... ooh, 15 stone and 13 years older than me) and shouting "HOMOSEXUAL!", which again is a bit of a mystery as I'm not gay and neither is he.

In short, never let any of my family near water. It provokes odd responses.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 11:52, Reply)

Birthday/Christmas crap
Mayhaps this would've been better placed in family traditions, but I missed that QOTW by a metric fuckton.

A few years ago my brother and I got into the tradition of giving each other two gifts, usually video games, at birthdays and Christmases; one genuine, the other a really bad gag gift.

So far, the tables look like this:

Me
Shaq Fu - a fighting game based around Shaquille 'o Neal
Road Avenger - technically doesn't count, I already had it
Overblood - a sci-fi Resident Evil clone that the Consolevania boys have a particular distaste for

Him
Big Rigs - the most epically broken trucking game ever
Revolution X - a shooting game based on Aerosmith with one music track and one enemy
Red Faction 2 - a game bad enough to cause leprosy

I think some of these actually break the Geneva convention or something.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Tue 30 Dec 2008, 11:39, 3 replies)

Indigestion
Back when I was a kid my sister apparently lost the use of her legs.

Well, she would always get me to fetch and carry stuff for her (the lazy sod).

Anyway, when I was thirteen(ish) and my sis was (and always will be) a couple of years older, sat round the dinner table one Sunday afternoon having endured the usual Catholic-bashing at church in the morning, my sister turns to me and says:

'Spanky, be a love and run up to my room and get my indigestion tablets.'

Normal procedure after my mum's infamous Sunday lunch.

So, being the good lapdog that I was, I bolted upstairs, found the tablets, and returned in a flash, tossing the little packet onto the table like a hunter-gatherer returning with a great hunk of dead mammoth.

Silence.

My sister looked horrified.

My mum turned a strange colour purple.

Still, not really my fault - how the hell was I supposed to know at that tender age the difference between Rennie and birth control pills???
( SpankyHanky, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 10:24, Reply)

fun with anaesthetic
My Little Brother punched this guy out, from behind as he was trying to run away.

The guy deserved it, he was 3 years older than Dessie (who was 15), and trying to bully him.

Anyhow, Dessie broke his fist on this bloke, so has to go to hospital. Apparently the anaethatist was very pretty, awesomely beautiful with a kicking bod.

As dessie is coming round from "the gas and air" he looks up at her lovely face, said I like you, and pulls his knob out and has a wank. In front of my Catholic Mam, and 3 Nurses.

Apparently Mam was ineffectually swatting at his hand as, stoned of his skull, he tugged himself off.

What a star!!
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 10:06, 6 replies)

My brother wouldn't let me watch the TV show I wanted...
So I stole the remote control and changed the channel through the window outside after he locked me out. The neighbours thought it was funny.
(TimChuma, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 9:51, 2 replies)

Round at my brother's this weekend
he suddenly pipes up with, 'You know Bert, I now watch so much Babestation that I can't get it on with the Mrs unless she's being totally silent, and there's some god awful techno music thumping in the background.'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 9:42, 9 replies)

adding insult to injury
Almost totally off topic..... but my brother was present at the time

On our christmas dinner I confessed to once having eaten a piece of soap (don't ask.....)
To which my mom replied:

"If I remember correctly you've tasted some other weird things in the past......

Don't you remember.....?

With your uncle......

In the bushes.......

Something he sprayed into your mouth......"

My dear old mom didn't understand why the rest of the table couldn't stop laughing.

She was talking about shaving foam, by the way.
(rcn, Tue 30 Dec 2008, 9:27, 2 replies)