About 10 years old, and would have worked a lot better then
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman sat in a bar. The Englishman goes to the bar and orders the drinks and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Englishman replies, "Yeah, fair enough mate", takes his drinks and goes and sits back down. Half an hour later the Scotsman goes to the bar, and as he's stood there he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns round and there's Mike Tyson who starts "I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." THe Scotsman replies, "Good on you mate, whatever takes your fancy." He takes the drinks and goes and sits back down. Another half an hour passes and the Irishman goes to the bar, and the Englishman and Scotsman watch as Mike Tyson goes up to him, they see them speak, and then the next thing they know, Mike Tyson punches the Irishman, who flies across the room and lands in a heap on the floor. A couple of minutes later the Irishman has picked himself up and makes it back to the table with drinks and the other ask him what happened? "Well, I was stood at the bar when i felt a tap on my shoulder, so I turned round and there's this bloke there, and he starts saying I'm Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxing champion of the world, Baddest man on the planet, multi millionaire, and I fuck white women." The other two say, "Yeah he said the same to us, but why did he punch you?" "Well, I said, I'm not surprised mate, if I had all that money, I wouldn't fuck niggers either!"
(Mischeivious_Delinquent_Squirrel, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 9:27, Reply)

One from Jimmy Carr...
...stuck in my head when I saw him at the Edinburgh Fringe recently:

Q. What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?



A. Being raped.

Does anyone remember the playground joke from the 80s that had the punchline 'only for a chocolate biccie!'? That's the only bit I can remember, but I'm sure it was offensive in some way.
(Bimdian, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 9:23, Reply)

Space shuttle explosion special
What does NASA stand for? Need another seven astronauts (Got escorted from the premises when I told this at Kennedy Space Centre)

What were the last words on the Columbia? Who let that bloody woman drive?

Did you know that the pilot's eyes were blue? Yep, one blew this way, and one blew that way

What was the last thing to go through the pilot's mind? The dashboard

What is the favourite drink of Space Shuttle astronauts? 7 Up

Texas police have found a badly burnt penis up a tree... Experts reckon it's a shuttle cock
(Mischeivious_Delinquent_Squirrel, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 9:10, Reply)

Ho hum
Little Johnny finds a welder's mask, and spends the whole day wearing it, seeing the world through green glass. Eventually, he runs into a man in a dirty old mac.

"Hello little boy, do you know what blowjobs are?"

"No."

"Do you know what a paedophile is?"

"No."

"Have you ever been spit-roasted?"

"Look mister," says Johnny removing the mask, "I'm not really a welder you know."
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 9:08, Reply)

A Few
What's Red and can't turn round in a corridor? A baby with a javelin through it's head.

Did you hear..... a woman with no legs won the UK strawberry picking contest............. What a Jammy cunt.......

Why did the pervert cross the road? Cos he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken.

What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the titanic? Halfway.

Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after using them.

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it (unusual I know), goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the jappy chappy. "Alright mate. Where's your bin?" asks the dustman. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realizing the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin-man smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?". "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man. "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?" "OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheelie bin having wank"
(Mischeivious_Delinquent_Squirrel, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 9:08, Reply)

Ho Ho Ho
Q. What do you give a deaf, dumb, blind, paralysed, thalidomide victim for Christmas?

A. Cancer.
(FieldingMellish, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:58, Reply)

Bindun, Shirley?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Micheal Jackson.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:58, Reply)

Was asked to critique someone's shitty artwork. I ended up saying:
"If there were a building that stood for aesthetic beauty, this would be the plane that crashed into it."
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:57, Reply)

May as well join in
- What's red and wrapped in newspaper?
- Abortion of chips.

Did you hear Lisa Riley (Roseanne Barr for US readers) has been picked up by the vice squad and charged with drug possession? Police found five pounds of crack in her knickers.
( Flapjack I spay a little mare for you, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:55, Reply)

yet another baby one
What sits in the corner with its smile getting bigger and bigger?

A baby eating razor blades.


Eye thang yew
(grangeb77 bored of sigs. boom zig, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:55, Reply)

What's black and white and red all over?
Michael Jackson.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:48, Reply)

Perhaps more offensive than sick
I think that this might be the last ejactulation of foulness but I can't be sure

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.
(_earwaxuk_, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:47, Reply)

Yet more
It keeps flowing forth from my mind. Have you ever been scared of yourself?

What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old

What do you get when you cross two black people?
Your ass kicked.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
(_earwaxuk_, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:46, Reply)

This is worrying
I keep thinking of more of these. It's like being back at school all over again


How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons
(_earwaxuk_, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:45, Reply)

Off Sick
A guy phones up his boss on a Monday morning...

"Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick"
"Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're hadoff. Just how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my little sister at the moment if that's any help"
(Gomi No Sensei, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:44, Reply)

Apologies if these have been done


Whats blue & fucks old people
Hypothermia

Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her
(_earwaxuk_, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:44, Reply)

Here's a long one, not very sick, but time consuming to say the least.
Bob the bus driver loved Sesame Street so much that one day he decided to paint all the characters, Elmo, Big Bird, Oscar, Cookie Monster, etc. on the side of his bus. He drove around proudly on his route, as people admired the bus from afar.

At his first stop, two enormously fat women stepped onto the bus and introduced themselves as the twin sisters, Pattie and Patty. They began to chat among themselves in annoyingly high-pitched voices, but Bob simply ignored them and continued on his way.

The next stop was outside a school, where a lone boy wearing a helmet and a bowtie entered the bus. He introduced himself as Paul, but added that everyone called him Special Paul because he was a "special" person. Paul sat across from the fat sisters and kept to himself.

As the bus rolled into the slum area of the city, it stopped outside a broken down apartment building, where a crude-looking young man wearing a leather jacket and sporting a mohawk stepped on. He suddenly let out an enormous sneeze, patted Bob on the back, and introduced himself as Lester Sneeze. A nickname he recieved due to his frequent colds.

About half an hour into the ride, Bob heard whines coming from the back of the bus. It turns out Lester had whipped out his pocket knife and begun to cut bunions from his feet and flick them at poor Paul's head. Pattie and Patty were both screaming at him to stop bothering the poor child, and the entire bus was in an uproar.

Finally, Bob couldn't take it anymore. He stopped the bus, picked up the nearest payphone and made a call.

"Hello, Department of Transportation? I need help! I've got two all beef Patties, Special Paul, and Lester Sneeze flickin' bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:44, Reply)

X
What's the best moment when you make love to 12 years old ?

When the pelvis cracks.
(Bertie, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:42, Reply)

Hedgehog
A lttle girl is at home and she hears the shower running. She runs to the bathroom and her mother is inside.
Observing her mums muff for the first time she asks,
"Mummy what is that?"
"Why it's my hedgehog dear!" the mum replies.
The little girl giggles and scampers away.
Later on that day the little girl hears the shower again. She runs to the bathroom and now it is her Grandmother taking a shower.
The girl approaches her, the Grandmother has been told of the amusing incident involving the mother in the shower earlier that day.
The little girl asks pointing to the Granny's muff,
"Granny granny, what's that?"
Granny replies,
"Why dear it's my little hedgehog!"
The little girl asks,
"Why are it's guts hanging out?"
(booionic, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:23, Reply)

What is teh definition of suspicious?
A nun doing sit-ups in a cucumber patch



/forgive me father, for I have sinned
( Togoman-"By Odin's mighty spear, I carve into flesh until there is no more hope!!", Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:20, Reply)

What's got 4 legs and goes "Woooof"
Piper Alpha
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:17, Reply)

Well, I like this...
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit

knock knock
Who's there
Zis is the Nazi's, vere are your papers??
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:09, Reply)

Did I mention I used to live in Texas?
A racist man told me this one while I was at work...

An old Chinese man walks into a bar, up to the black bartender and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is a bit offended but pours the man his drink anyway. A few minutes later, the Chinese man finishes his drink, walks up to the bar, and again says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is getting a little mad, but lets it slide. The Chinese man finishes off his third drink, and walks up to the bar, but before he can order, the black man says, "Please don't call me a nigger again, it's offensive." The Chinese man just laughs and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" which infuriates the bartender. "Okay," he says, "that's it, let's trade places and see how you like it!" The Chinese man agrees, and the black man walks out of the bar, and back in, to where the Chinese man is standing behind the bar. He says to the Chinese man, "Give me a drink, chink" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry - we don't serve niggers here."


Also, my favourite "classic", which I told to a friend who, unbeknownst to me had a younger sister with Downs:
What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.


Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?

So they didn't fill up with dirt.
(Ecclesia, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 8:03, Reply)

Q. How can you tell it's your sisters period?
A. Your Dad's cock tastes funny.
(Begbie, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 7:53, Reply)

Q. Why do German Shower heads have eleven holes?
A. Because Jew's have only got ten fingers


Room for one more down there?
Going down.
(Begbie, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 7:49, Reply)

another baby joke....
... that has probably featured already...

Q. What could possibly be more fun than swinging a baby around your head on a bit if washing line?

A. stopping it with a cricket bat.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 7:46, Reply)

Not quite a joke....
There was an old woman
Who lived in a shoe
She had so many children,
Her cunt fell out
(CdrVimes, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 7:34, Reply)