Ahoy.
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

It's perfectly legal.


What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

*Cough*
(iwantacone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:50, Reply)

The waiter
Guy is dining in a fancy restaurant when he drops his spoon. Immediately a waiter appears, swoops the spoon up from the floor and gives the man a clean one.

The diner says, "That's great service, you keep clean silverware in your pocket?"

"Oh yes!" says the waiter. "We pride ourselves on being the cleanest restaurant in town. For instance, did you notice all the waiters have a string coming out the fly of our pants?"

The man looks and sure enough all the waiters have a white string coming from the front of their tousers.

"That's for when we go to the bathroom. We don't even touch ourselves to pee. We just pull the string to get it out."

"Thats fascinating," said the man, "but how do you get it back in?"

The waiter leaned over and whispered in the man's ear, "I don't know about all the other guys... but I use a spoon."
( teknikl, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:47, Reply)

Not sick, but makes me snort drink through my nose
Q: Why do elephants have big ears?

A: Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom



C'mon, its funny, alright?
(fox_handybread, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:45, Reply)

A couple of things
Incest: A game the whole family can play!

Necrophaelia: Let's crack open a cold one!
(The_Reaper, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:44, Reply)

Damn straight
Probably has already been posted, so apols if so!

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice
(fox_handybread, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:40, Reply)

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
see you next month.
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:38, Reply)

Probably posted already...
How do you make a cat go woof?

Pour petrol on it and throw a match.
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:31, Reply)

Playground Favourite
Q. What do you call an Ethiopian wearing one Doctor Marten?
A. A Golf Club
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:25, Reply)

Good image
Q: Why did Mary fall off the swings?

A: Because she had no arms.
(man-ding-a-ling-drill, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:21, Reply)

right, apologies for this one. (not mine but a work mate told me this one)
How can you tell when your sister is on her period?

When your Dads dick tastes funny
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:19, Reply)

i'm not reading 40 pages worth
just to see if it's been done

name a famous jewish baker?
-hitler
( the.jokl @jonksson, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Apols. if already been done
2 Iraqi Women are sitting on a bench watching their kids play in a play park.

1 Iraki says to the other' you have to appreciate them now, they blow up fast'
(popcorndude81 witness of the http://b3ta.com/talk/5000000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:49, Reply)

How many black men does it take to rape an old lady?

None! They leave it to the three epileptics.
( giant_squid, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:40, Reply)

Q: What's grey, sits at the end of your bed, and takes the piss?
A: A kidney dialysis machine
(thisismyclone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:30, Reply)

Joke
Q: Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
A: Because he's a cunt.
(DustyD, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:30, Reply)

Apologies if these are elsewhere on this page
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic

I once told this hilarious joke to a close friend who took the opportunity to remind me he was epileptic and found it offensive- miserable twunt.

What do you call a Jewish Butcher?
Klaus Barbie

This one was told to a friend who I did not know up until that point was Jewish.

How does a Greek boy know when his sister's having her period?
His dad's cock tastes of blood

How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream and one of dead baby

What's blue and fucks pensioners?
Hypothermia

A kid goes into the bathromm while Granny is taking a bath. "What's that?" he says, pointing at her lady-parts. "That's my hedgehod" she replies. Next day he walks in while mum is bathing and asks "What's that?" "That's my hedgehog" mum says. "Granny has a hedgehog too but it's dead" says the kid "Dead! What do you mean?" "I saw it yesterday and all its guts were hanging out."
( Lord Gnome, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:26, Reply)

sick jokes
What's the definition of self-destruction?
An epileptic leper
(alboyalex, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:19, Reply)

Why did so many black men die in the Vietnam War?
Cos every time someone shouted 'Get Down!' they all got up and started dancing.
(The_Reaper, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:18, Reply)

Two muslims walk into a bar
boom boom
( KernKraft Gosh, there isn't much noise outside today, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:10, Reply)

What's a good cure for backache?
Paralysis.
( gone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:05, Reply)

NASA
Need
Another
Seven
Astronauts
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 20:05, Reply)

What have a gynaecologist and a pizza boy got in commmon?
They can both smell it, but not eat it.

What was the name of Gary Glitter's Vietnamese pimp?

Porkum Yung

What the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

Nothing, they both come on a 13 year old boy's face

What do you call a toddler with a runny nose?

Full

I'm
(Sorry, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:59, Reply)

Woof!
What's got four legs and goes Woof?

Piper Alpha.

(you have to be at least 40 to get this!)
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:55, Reply)

Can I just say...
I find all the jokes about Jews on here very unfunny. My grandad died in a concentration camp.

...Fell off one of the gun towers.
(dirty gypsy, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:55, Reply)

What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
( bowdie, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:54, Reply)

sick 80's joke
A small girl is walking down the street and she appears to be taking an eraser to some sheet music.
A police man witness this scene and walks up to her and asks "Please satisfy my curriosity but what are you doing?"

"Im Caroline Hogg* and I am decomposing"

[* subsitute with the name of any small missing but pressumed dead child]

One ticket to Hull.....
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:30, Reply)

sick
What does Michael Jackson and a good malt whisky have in common?

The both come in tots.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:27, Reply)

Sick
What is the difference between Saddam Hussain and Michael Jackon?

Saddam did not enter Jordan
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:25, Reply)

I likum baby jokes
Q: What do you get for killing a baby?
A: An Erection

Q: How do you stop a baby from crying?
A: Take your dick out it's ass

Q: Whats blue and orange and sits at the bottom of the pool?
A: A baby with burst armbands

Q: Whats red and sits in all 4 corners of the room?
A: A baby with a chainsaw
(Vin diesel touches my tra la la shove a bastard in it, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:06, Reply)

oh dear...
what do you call a double jointed quadroplegic in a wheelchair?

a transformer


1st post, go easy...
(iamjthearmeroar, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 19:05, Reply)