.
Why do I always cry after sex?
Mace

Whats the difference between a bonus and a penis?
Your lass is always willing to blow your bonus.

How do you circumsize a Catholic priest?
Kick a choir-boy in the chin

Whats the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne only comes on your face when you 13.

And finally...

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids?

Ian Huntley giving them a bath.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:48, Reply)

Hitler
Two men're sitting in their local Pub, sipping their Guinness in 1933 when the topic turns to Germany.

"Begor Paddy, have ye heard? The new chap Hitler seems to have organised them all quickly!"

"Indeed, what with t'rallies and such.." murmers Seamus.

Paddy peers out of a window and yelps, tugging Seamus on the sleeve, "Faith and begor, that man over t'ere on t'hill looks loike Hitler!"

"Naw!" swears Seamus. "We'll go see. You'll owe me if it is him though." So the two walk out and walk to the hill. Atop stands Adolf Hitler and a weedy looking man.

"Begorrah Paddy!" blasts Seamus, "It is Hitler!" The weedy looking man beside Hitler steps forward. "Achtung! Mein namen is Josef Goebbels, and we are here to kill all your Jews, your postman, and your publican!"

Hitler smirks. Paddy and Seamus look aghast at this.

"Ye can't be killing our postman...who'd deliver the letters?! And ye can't be gassin' our publican, cus who'd be running the Pub then?!"

"Alright gentlemen," pipes up Goebbels, "We'll leave our second and third targets alone for you then. Are you happy now?"

Seamus and Paddy again glance at each other, nod and give Goebbels the thumbs up with smiles before walking off, relieved.

"See, mein Fuhrer.." Goebbels assured Hitler, "I told you nobody cared about the Jews."
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:47, Reply)

Are you a bummer tied to a tree?
No?

Aaaarrgh! Bummer on the loose!
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:46, Reply)

...
What animal has a cunt in the middle of its back?
A police horse.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:38, Reply)

another...
What's the worst thing about paedophilia?
Having to go to bed after Top of the Pops.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:36, Reply)

PLEASE!
No more jokes about the taste of menstrual blood, multicoloured dead babies or the quantity of jews in an ashtray. I don't think I can take any more reposts.
( Calqhoon, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:35, Reply)

zzzzzzzzz
What's the smartest thing to have come out of a womans mouth?
Einstein's cock.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:33, Reply)

Q: What do you call an ethiopian in a leather jacket?
A: A gear stick

Q What does the average Pakistani weigh?
A: Sweets

Q: What's the advantage of getting a blowjob off an ethiopian?
A: They always swallow.
(thisismyclone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:32, Reply)

Gay+currry=joke
Three homosexualists sitting in a crematorium each holding urns containing the ashes of their dearly departed boyfriends.
First one says "Me and my boyfriend used to love going sailing together so I'm going to spread his ashes on a lake."
Second one says "Me and my boyfriend used to love going hiking together so I'm going to spread his ashes on a hillside."
Third one says "I'm going to mix my boyfriends ashes up with some curry powder, make it into a vindaloo and eat it."
Other two look aghast and ask "What do you want to do that for??"
Third one replies "So he can make my arse bleed one last time"
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:30, Reply)

topical!
No Christmas decorations in Vietnam this year.
They are just hanging glitter instead.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:24, Reply)

How many jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 3 in the back, and a couple of thousand in the ashtray

Absolutely tasteless, but you asked for it.
(Slartibartfast.... designer of coastlines, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:24, Reply)

Done a quick scan of the answers, don't think this has been said
the sickest joke I know:

Did you hear about the thalidomyde porn star?


He had an arm like a baby's cock.
( Loz I'm still here., Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:23, Reply)

seemed funny at the time
what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?



a pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
(Bad Ronald, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:22, Reply)

all old but so am i...
ok lets see...

jesus walks into a hotel, throws 3 nails on the counter and says "can u put me up for the night?"

whats the difference between a nigger and a tyre? tyres dont sing when u put them in chains.

why did the asian guy trade his wife for a toilet? the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

why was freddie mercury buried face down? so his friends could recognise him.

what does AIDS stand for?
a1) arse injected death sentence
a2) after insertion don't suck

god these are old...i would tell the "i can see your house from here" joke but can't be bothered to type it all out and has prob. bindun.

not sick but i luv it:

whats pink and hard? a pig with a flick-knife.

whats white and cant climb trees? a fridge

wow, this has been a very liberating experience. god bless the internet!
( Avast is still alive!!!!, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:20, Reply)

Variation on a done to death theme
What's the benefit of having sex with 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.

What's the benefit of having sex with 91 year olds?
Experience.
( jme, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 23:13, Reply)

What...
...did the blind, deaf, quadruplegic Downs' syndrome girl get for Christmas?



Cancer.
(zeppelin boy, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:56, Reply)

hellen keller again
what did hellen keller name her dog?


Mwahhhmuurhhhaeeemuuuuu
(meltthefork, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:47, Reply)

What's blue, stiff, and makes women scream?
Cot death.

And in the immediate aftermath of the July London bombings:

Q. How much does a One Day Travelcard cost?

A. An arm and a leg.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:45, Reply)

how do you make a cat go woof?
add petrol and a match


how do you make a dog drink?
stick him in a blender
( the wub - guide onion for the blind, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:30, Reply)

How do you know when your cabbage is boiled?
It's wheelchair rises to the top.


I hate myself.
(MissKittyKate1, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:26, Reply)

Sick?
Did you hear the one about the Catholic priest who liked to molest young boys?



NO - it never happened

(not really my own, so I wont take any of the credit coming (no pun intended))
(thelegendthatis, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:24, Reply)

okay okay okay okay...
what does a fag do when he can't get a root?

does a shit in his hand and has a wank.
(kalimah, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Not that bad..
Why is going down on a woman like being in the KGB?

One slip of the tongue & you're in the shit.
( ImNotRightBotheredMe fool, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:24, Reply)

Cutely bad
A baby seal walks into a club...







*optional sound effect* boom boom.
(schnuff, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:23, Reply)

Sorry
What do you do if someone has a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing in quickly.
( ImNotRightBotheredMe fool, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:23, Reply)

ooh
What's blue and fucks pensioners?
Me and my lucky blue coat.
(Bad Badger, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:21, Reply)

hi there.
what's the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

you can't gargle sand.

thanks you've been great, be sure to try the veal...
(kalimah, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 22:09, Reply)

A Personal Favourite
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing many dirty nappies!" the doc says.

"You mean I'm pregnant???" the woman replies?

"No, it's bowel cancer."

Boom.
(iwantacone, Tue 6 Dec 2005, 21:53, Reply)