Well once...
I was asked the directions to Loogabarooga.

I stabbed them repeatedly and raped their horribly bloodied corpse.

Fortunately I pleaded temporary insanity at court caused by excessive amounts of stupid tourists, and my sentence was reduced.

[/may not be true]
( Lightguy hail satan, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:37, Reply)

Houston, Texas
Asked by concierge, "Hey man, I really dig your accent, where are you from?"

I'm from England.

I explained to him I was from Japan..

"Man, you speak really good american!"

(note the lowercase 'a' - I don't recognise 'american' as a language)

"No I don't,", I explained, "I am speaking Japanese, my mobile phone translates it to whatever language I choose, In real-time"

I left him in awe.
( zacherynuk @echo off, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Midlanders
Me and my lovely ex-wife were having lunch in a restaurant in Dinan, Brittany, a few years back. On the table next to us were a group of Midlanders who were complaining that the restaurant they had been to the previous night only provided the menu in French.

And living in Cornwall there's plenty of stupid tourists around. The signs that say "Don't not feed the seagulls" are actually there for a reason. Fuckwits!
(markymoo, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Rainforest in the sky...
The local casino has a 'rainforest dome' on top - an artificially created environment (obviously!) with local flora and fauna such as a crocodile, parrots, koalas, etc.

Whilst there with my daughter a Japanese guy got chatting to me and his wife asked in faltering English "Has this rainforest always been here?"
I was tempted to say "Yeah, it's used to be suspended in mid-air so they built a casino underneath it" but figured something may have got lost in translation so I just replied that I wasn't sure.

And the Japanese tourists are always so nice and polite too.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Why no "englishman in US" stories?
Simply because very few English people have a desire to go to the US.

Yes... there are probably Brits toddling around Manhattan and Chicago asking insanely stupid questions.... but you wont hear them becuase they're not offensively loud...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:27, Reply)

Batting for the other side.
My brother in his infinite wisdom while visiting his american Fiancé asked one of her friends if he could "Bum a Fag" off them...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:23, Reply)

Ozzie fun
First post ever. Hope this is worth it.

Moved to Leicester 5 years ago and had the pleasure of meeting some ozzie tourists who were looking for directions to a local tourist spot. The very polite man was asking me and a companion for ten minutes for directions to LoogaBarooga until we realised he was actually asking for directions to ......Loughborough.

Ahh...bless.
(Bearos, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, Reply)

An American tourist once asked me the way
to Loogaburooga. After a while I realised she meant Loughborough.
( pxyzyzygy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:20, Reply)

Great Barrier Grief.
And my stupid fat sister insisted that it was a rip off that you have to go the city wharf and get on a boat (and pay) to reach the Great Barrier Reef.
She wanted to walk there.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:19, Reply)

Parents. Love 'em
One of Mr Clapper's friends is marrying a Maltese lady. Her first language is English, as is that of many Maltese.

He took his parents to Malta to meet her parents, and they really couldn't get to grips with the fact that communication would be very easy.

HIs mum at one point asked the hotel staff to 'fix-o the telly-o'. When he replied 'certainly madam, I should be able to do that now' or words to that effect, she turned to her husband and said 'ee, isn't 'is English good [turns to hotel chap and shouts] I SAID YOUR EN-GLISH IS VE-RY GOOD, LOVE'

Whole holiday went on like this apparently.
(clapper, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:18, Reply)

Local tour bus drivers...
...love telling visiting Japanese tourists that Vegemite (read "foul cousin of Marmite") is made from the ground up noses of dead koalas.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:15, Reply)

Unsuitable shoes
I will never forget the party of Americans that I encountered at Avebury (very large stone circle in south west UK). They were horrified that it wasn't paved, as they had all turned up in 3" heels (With Tracksuits)

They didn't like the state of the public toilets much either, but I thought that was fair comment really.
(clapper, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:11, Reply)

My, how I laugh
At Americans mispronouncing "Reading" as the train to London stops there...
( drunkenoaf, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:11, Reply)

Since everyone's bashing the Americans...
As a patriotic Brit, I just thought I'd point out that we can hold our own in the stupid tourists field. For example, I was unfortunate enough to share a train journey with one particularly dense cockney bird. Not so bad, except the journey in question was the Trans-Siberian express.

I spent 6 days trying to avoid this lass, partly because her conversations mostly consisted of the words "wicked", "cool", "innit" and, for some bizarre reason, "boomin". When she broke into full sentences it wasn't much better. A few examples:

"I'm really looking forward to seein Moscow. I want to see Einstein's grave. Bit weird him being buried there, though, since he worked for the Americans, innit?"
(I pointed out that she was probably thinking of Eisentstein. Her response? "Cool")

"I can understand why the Chinese don't like the Japs, what with the nuclear weapons they used on 'em"
(I left this one alone. What could I say?)

Best, though, was when we finally got to Moscow, where we were (horror of horrors) staying in the same hostel as her and her friend. Even though I'd figured out where we needed to go she decided to ask directions. From the scabbiest, clearly pissed, Russian man in the vicinity. He proceeded to follow us all the way to the metro station next to the hostel. My Swedish friend and I had to position ourselves between him and the two girls after his 5th attemt at buttock cuppage made his intentions clear.

Then, after we lose him at the metro station we need to find the hostel. Again, even though it's clearly the large red building opposite, our friend, having failing to learn her lesson in a quite spectacular manner, decides to ask for directions. From a large group of decidely seedy looking lads. My friend summed it up best when he said "you know, there's a fine line between stupidity and gang rape".
(Captcheese, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:11, Reply)

my dad once told me
he and my mum were in a Pub where they overheard a couple of americans talking about the bike ride they were going to take Down from Cambridge to cardiff in the morning up to edinborough in the afternoon! not bad for a couple of ten speed bikes!
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:10, Reply)

Not so much a story as such, more an observation:
LOTS of 'stupid American in England' stories by the English on here, some just, many not, however, apart from a few 'I'm American and I think you are all anti-american jerks' posts, NO 'Stupid Englishman in America' stories.

Why!? C'mon guys, get yer oar in!

Anyhoo, I do remember a tale of an English chap being lost in some back-of-nowhere hick town in America and having knocked on a door in the middle of the night to ask for directions, was immediately shot dead through the fly screen. Apparently a legal practise there, something to do with constitutional rights to protect your property or something. So Brits considering a visit, be warned!

Oh, and I don't know how Loughborough is pronounced either, but I'm guessing 'Loo borro', and can we please stop with this now as I just don't believe so many people personally experienced that! Also you can't really blame Americans for getting it wrong when their version of English is being constantly changed to be phonetic! As a written language, English is knackered anyway, I was once asked by a Belgian why if 'Laugh' is pronounced 'Laff' then 'Through' isn't pronounced 'Thruff'. You try and explain it!
( ..wil, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:09, Reply)

First time in Singapore...
I was in Singapore (which I love heaps) and selected several meats and veggies to be cooked by a roadside vendor. The source of her amusement was that I had chosen both red and white meats to be cooked and served together...a local faux pas extraordinaire.

Pathetic story but the locals thought I was King Twat and I soon had a small crowd gathered around me laughing at me while I tried to remain aloof and stuffed my face.

Cnuts.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:08, Reply)

Inter-regional tourism
I was briefly at university in Brighton. one of my friends on the course was from Yorkshire, and had invited her elderly parents down to visit.

They didn't travel about much, and my friend was quite concerned about how they would react to Being Somewhere Different as well as how they would find 'flamboyant' Brighton. She arranged to meet them at the entrance to the pier, thinking that not much could happen to them there.

She arrived to pick them up, to find them standing on the pier on a gorgeous sunny day. Wearing macs and hats. Using their camcorder.

They were using it to film the two 6' 7" tranvestites that were stood 4 feet away, whilst elbowing each other delightedly and saying 'you don't get that in Halifax, dear'

Bless
(clapper, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:07, Reply)

short.
2 american tourists in Plymouth back in 1999
"why did they build that church in the middle of a roundabout" ?

Fin
( WOLF .™, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:05, Reply)

A friend of mine has the best story for this (but as he's not a b3tan, I'll share it on his behalf).
He was meeting up with American family friends and they introduced their daughter "Lan-e-lye" to them. Apparently she had been named after this quaint little town they had visited last time they had been to Britain some years before.
Yup, they had named their daughter Llanelli.
He didn't have the heart to tell them how it was really pronounced.
( Hagbard ... it's been a long time., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:05, Reply)

not my story, but my dad's...
i remember posting this before but i'm gonna post it again because it's so damn comic.

so way back when (early 80's, prior to my birth) he was working in town one day. in those days, he worked for standard chartered bank, who's offices were just north of river. so he hops off the train, strolls through covent garden, crosses tower bridge (keep up, londoners) and is strolling past the tower of london when he hears a rather large, loudly dressed fellow of the tea-dumping variety say to his wife:

"i wonder where the tower is... i guess it's behind this big old castle."

he actually died laughing, and was promptly resucitated.

hilarious.
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:03, Reply)

Vietnam again... Mrs Humpty's experiences.
Picture this: it REALLY happened. Its not Funny, Its just a couple of increadably stupid tourists.

Mrs Humpty was on holiday back-packing in Vietnam, and at one point stopped to visit the War Remnant Museum in Saigon/Ho Chi Minh City It documents the horror of the war: Napalm, Mutilation, abuse, torture, and the rows and rows of innocent civilians layed out and rotting.

The main reason for this museum seems to be to serve as a reminder of the nastyness that occurs when one country feels it is better than another, and goes galavanting in with guns blazing. Ahem.

The famous picture of the napalmed lass running naked and screaming along the road towards a bunch of photographers was there, and that was one of the more cheery images when compared to the well-documented horror.

Everyone was moving from picture to picture in shocked silence, with many grown adults: men and women, from many nations crying as thier brains faught to comprehend the tragic scenes they surveyed.

The last thing she expected to hear in such a sobering place was the two Male US Citizens laughing at a picture a US soldier holding the head of a Vietnamese who's head he'd just taken as a trophy...

***********************************

Pre-Emptive-Shh!!..... If you instantly assume that this account of an actual happening is a deliberate slur on ALL americans, you are a fool and a dullard of pitifully low intellegence: Go directly to the sterilisation Clinic: Do not pass go, Do not collect £200
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:01, Reply)

Lucky not to get the bone pointed at him...
I was taking my very English in-laws to Kuranda - a nice local touristy market village (Australia) with quite a large Aboriginal population.

I couldn't convince my father-in-law that the abbreviated term "abo" is considered derogatory as he had "heard a nice man in a bar saying it".

I didn't bank on him repeating it...which he did...when asking some Aboriginal kids who were busking (traditional dance, costume and music): "That was great! Are you all real abos?"

The reply from a young lad of about 10 was priceless: "Yeah. And you look one of them Captain Cook cunts but you talk funny."

Captain Cook cunt = white Australian
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:00, Reply)

I'm sure I've mentioned it before,
but while working in a tourist area in a gift shop I asked a woman for her ID when she presented an unsigned credit card as payment. She searched her person for a few minutes before saying "I've left my ID at the hotel." When I explain that I cannot take a credit card that's not signed without seeing an ID (as I wouldn't have anything to check the signature against) she gets agitated and says "I DON'T NEED MY ID, I'M ON HOLIDAY!"
(ShigTheNewt isn't funny. -_-, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:54, Reply)

Americans you've gotta laugh
When waiting for our plane in Birmingham airport me and my step-dad are staring out the window watching planes. One plane inparticular is in the sky having clearly just taken off. At this point an American couple walk up the window and the guy says "I wonder if that planes landing?" with out a second of delay my step-dad shouts out "Yeah it's reversing in!", i can barely contain my laughter as the women turns to us and says "Thats weird American planes nearly always land head first". Nearly always!? I nearly wet myself!
( cooler_king That's no moon!, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:53, Reply)

When I was ickle
my parents took me and my brother and sister to visit the tower of London. I will never forget our Mum shouting at us because we laughed at an American woman who, seeing a vase in a glass case, told her child :

"This is the vaize that was given to the Queen when she was coronated."

Also, an American tourist in Plymouth once asked me where he could get "a yellowcab". I hailed a conveniently passing black Hackney carriage and he gave me a tenner for my trouble!

edit : Almost forgot, my mate Frank went to Florida for three weeks.
A barmaid told him "you speak real good American - what part of France are you from?"

He's from Leeds.
( finnbar has officially retired, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:51, Reply)

Not technically a tourist...
I spent 6 months working in San Francisco, and before you ask - no I hated it and it actally made me lose the will to live.

I was at the zoo one day and a Californian mother turned to the bloke feeding the tigers (who was carrying a whole set of horse's ribs) and asked 'Hey, why don't they eat hamburgers like the rest of us?'

cunts.
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:50, Reply)

Not said but they should have known better
So there i am in Sorrento in Italy- surprisingly full of Italians.

We are at a coach stop on some excursion when a bright shiny white coach pulls up alongside us full of, quelle surprise, Americans who have hired this coach and stuck their tour company name on the side. To be fair they were actually nice and friedly and surprisingly unstupid. However, they were driving round in a coach with a name on (that i now cant remember- had Italy/Italian and Tours in it) but the initials of the company were ITI. This was made all the better by the fact that the I and T and I were huge and the rest of the name was quite small. Well done boys, well done

In case you're lost, iti is derogatory term for Italian like Kruat, Frog etc
(Keyser Soze, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:50, Reply)

Having lived in Paris
for about 9 months, I have heard a lot of stupid things from tourists. However, the worst conversation was overheard by a friend of mine.

He was standing in line for the Musee d'Orsay and nearby were standing some American women, waiting for some friends. These friends arrived and promptly started talking about what they had seen earlier. They had been to the Louvre. They mentioned they had seen the painting of "the smiling lady" and that it was so beautiful.

They were of course talking of the Mona Lisa, however, they kept calling it the "smiling lady". And even mentioned they couldn't remember the name of the painting.
(Pelle ghola, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:46, Reply)

Not said - did.
I once watched an American tourist videoing the wallpaper in a Hammersmith pub, from a distance of about nine inches away, for five minutes. I never did work out why.
(BeerPoweredNoiseFrenzy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 12:39, Reply)