age is everything
Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh. Anyway, a friend of mine was wankered out of his tree and had taken a real liking to Rosies dog Oscar.

He sat there with it for a very long time, chatting to it, feeding it salt and vinegar crisps (that dog was utterly addicted to crisps after that) and Fosters. Yep, that dog didn't half put it away that night, until Rosie noticed what was going on...

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? THE DOGS PISSED! LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN WALK PROPERLY!"

"Nor can I!" He replies with a grin

"You could kill him!! You can't get dogs pissed!!"

"Well, he seemed to like it..."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD HE IS???"

"err...?"

"ABOUT 75 IN DOG YEARS!!!"

And then he comes out with the best line I've ever heard. It's dead silent, everyone watching her going mental:

"Well, he's old enough to know better then, isnt he?"

I cried...
(jiggling_john Heres a fiver, you lads get yourself some chippies, Sat 15 Apr 2006, 0:57, Reply)

Drunkard Inventions
Some mates of mine had a house warming party when they started at Uni a few years ago. This soon changed to a street party since a few of the other houses had planned their parties for the same night, and the houses between them had decided to join in so as not to look like losers. It was the biggest party of the year, and to this date has never been superceded. It was summer, and a warm night so the majority of drinking was done outside. Anyway, fuelled on alcohol and a complete lack of a sense of danger, we got a little bit too inventive.

I'd just seen a program on how UFO's are meant to work and how if you coil a load of copper wire, and plug it into the mains it'll lift off and float in the air. While I thought that the majority of the program was bollocks, I found this to be quite cool and decided to share this little piece of knowledge with the street. Cue a street wide debate on whether it would actually work, and everyone who didnt think it would shouting "Go on then, prove it!"

This sounded like a good idea to me, since I hate it when people say I'm wrong. An extension cord, and half an hour later led to the experiment being ready. Sure enough, it worked. Mission accomplished. Id proven them wrong, and at the same time looked cool. And thats when, looking back, we should have stopped. However...

Three hours later and far too much money spent collectively at the local B+Q had led to every house door on the street wide open with a large extension lead coming out of every single one of them. The insulation had been stripped from the wire and the resultant bare copper had been wrapped around a car parked in the middle of the road until there was a large tightly coiled copper bumper around it. Thats right, we had drunkenly attempted to create a flying car.

So finally it was ready. It had got dark, so people in the houses nearest shone two 1000 watt torches from the bathroom windows lighting the car up for everyone to see in a spotlight. There were people ready to turn the power on in every house, and the entire local population gathered around the car to see it take off. The countdown started. 5...4...3...the anticipation was excruciating...2...1...CLICK!

The copper started to glow bright orange as it got hotter and hotter and then... a large fire took the place of where the car once stood, and the street, plus the entire surrounding area was put into a total black out which was to last for the following two weeks. Bugger!
( Furness, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 19:39, Reply)

"....and then his mum walked in"
More post party than an actual party itself...

It was the summer of 93. We were carefree teenagers, blissfully unaware of whatever drudgery the future held for us. For now, all that mattered to us was the sun on our faces and the cider in Dan's mum's kitchen.

As is the wont of horny teenagers who are desperate to see the flesh of the opposite sex but are too emotionally retarded to figure out how to get a peek, we started suggesting that we swap clothes; girls wear the boys stuff and vice versa.

And, due to the mixture of cider, vodka, and the end of exams, all concerned agreed. And there it should have ended, in a haze of cheap alcohol and cheaper thrills.

However, for Rich, the story goes on. Towards midnight, and somewhat the worse for wear. He headed home. He arrived to find an empty house; his parents had taken his two youngers sisters out to see some relatives. Just as well, being as he walked through the front door wearing a short, skintight dress that barely covered the little modesty he has.

Anyway, he decided to do what any teenaged boy would do when left alone in a house and drunk; stick on an art video and crack one out in relative peace and quiet. If only he'd factored in the male tendency for slumber after a satisfying expulsion of manfat...

So there he was; lying, passed out, in the middle of the living room floor. With a dress hitched up to his chest, and his pants round his ankles, deflated manhood still in hand and with a 3 inch long crusty mark on his thigh.

And then his family arrived home and...well, see the title. Personally, I would have committed hari-kari the very same night.
(Light, Tue 18 Apr 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Pirates!
Parents away, we decided to have a pirate themed party. Much pillaging, rum drinking and yo ho ho-ing ensued. Everyone got really into their costumes, there were Blackbeards, Captain Hooks and Jake The Pegs everywhere. And wenches. We played shanties and all sorts. Tremendous fun. Cleared away all piratical evidence the following morning- there was narry a gold earring, piece of eight or parrot feather to be seen.

Four whole months later I came down to breakfast to be asked "WHY IS OUR HOUSE FULL OF PIRATES?" by an irate mother clutching a lovely set of home delivered Truprint snaps. Apparently she couldn't remember using up an entire roll of film on her camera but had sent it off anyway to see what was on it. There was one particularly good shot of two pirates (actually trying to use her exercise bike at the same time) apparently bumming each other.

(Oh, and Long John Silver never apologizes- the clue's in the name.)
(oranguturn, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:22, Reply)

Strangly Fruity
About the age of around 16 a few of us were doing the usual house party that most of you seem to have encountered... one of our group ( John ) was known as a bit of a mothers boy so me and a mate ( Matt ) decided to do a " wizard jape " on him.

We got a condom, and with the help of the owner of the house's fridge we placed a dollop of fruit yogurt in to the condom and placed it in Johns coat pocket (which was with all the other coats on a bed in one of the upstairs rooms ).We hoped that this would be later found by his mother thus elavating the mummys boys to "man of the world" status.

The evening ended as most, with us walking along trying to find a 24 hour garage to satisfy our munchies. Whilst walking along with hands in his pockets John looks puzzled and pulled out the condom to shouts of " Errgg , which Dirty Fucker left his used nodder in my coat ?" . This left me with only one apropriate course of action , I grabbed the condom from Johns hand , opened up the suspect package and dipped my finger into the man custard filling " hmmm tastes like one of Matt's to me " says I.
Queue John chucking up , and a story which has been told many times since.

Although there is no truth in the version thats told where John then takes out another condom out of his other pocket and says " Erggh , this one smells like strawberry yogurt ! "
(phildperv, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 4:22, Reply)

Sniff my finger...
Went to a party at a flat in Milton Keynes in my yoof, and as luck would have it, pretty much everyone got paired off – except the fat ugly mate who never pulled.
However, after a while he did pull and was frolicking behind the sofa with said female and all that could be heard was incessant squeals and giggling from the girl.
After the party, us lads were making our way home and our fat ugly mate tells of his encounter. He proudly announces the girl’s delight was due to his "fingering explorations" within her knickers. We were all suitably impressed as none of us had got more than a kiss and a grope and just to prove his point, he offers his finger for everyone to sniff.

Which we did...

...and it smelled of poo.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 13:51, Reply)

Party Pranks
_disclaimer
I know all these stories start the same - teenagers getting very drunk and doing silly things, but this is no exception, so i apologise in advance

After a few too many drinks, we decided it would be a great idea to nick a load of roadsigns from the roadworks at the bottom of my mate's street.

Upon returning with our 'booty', we came to the realisation that there was scope for entertainment here... Basically, we positioned the signs at various locations to redirect traffic onto the one way system in such a way that it was impossible to get out of once inside.

I don't think I'll ever forget the headlines in the local rag :

"Local prank leaves nearly 200 cars stranded"
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 12:12, Reply)

French Student...
I was born and raised in Winnipeg, Canada, and went to a French Immersion school.

So in grade 11 (about 16 years old...) we got this new kid in our class, who's parents just moved from Quebec. The second weekend of term, his parents were out of town on buisness. We managed to convince him he should have a house-party, as it would be really good for him, and make him loads of new mates. Finally he agreed, as long as we kept it small...

So we put posters up all over the high-school, advertising a massive rave, with free booze and women. We told our mates at other schools to do the same.

Eight o'clock comes on the fateful evening, and already his house has about 200 people in it.

Eight-thirty, and there's about 600.

Nine o'clock and the television has been thrown out the bathroom window.

Nine-fifteen, and his dining-room table has been stuck, feet first, through his mother's bedroom wall.

Nine-thirty and most of the wallpaper in the lounge has been pulled down, and shoved down the toilet. Then the toilet has been pulled off the wall.

Various silverware has been put in the toaster, which has then been put in the microwave which has been turned on.

The CD collection vanished, although some of his parents CD's were thrown on the George Foreman grill.

Finally, the garage was lit on fire, someone took a rather unpleasant shit in the ceiling of the lounge, and a car was driven through the front door.

It was at this point, just as the police/fire/ambulance were showing up, that I thanked him for a lovely evening, nicked a bottle of scotch, and pissed off.

He never came back to that school. His parents took him back to Quebec, and the house was demolished and rebuilt.

Fucking awsome party.
( Demonic Omelette, Fri 14 Apr 2006, 11:49, Reply)

evidence
When i told my ashen faced parents that I hadn't had a party while they were away for a week when I was about 16 (they arrived home a day early), they found the following contradictory evidence:

All of the doors and windows open;
No food in the cupboards;
A giant cake in the kitchen made from melted chocolate, crisps and sliced bread, with "you twat" iced on the top with ketchup;
Their marital bed encrusted with filth;
Air rifle pellets peppering the internal walls;
The word "wank" written in huge letters on the front door, created with smeared banana;
The wooden floor boards of the living room warped, where beer had been spilled and left for three days;
A normally hyperactive cat so stoned that no amount of coaxing would pursuade it to move;
A tied pair of trainers on the roof;
Party balloons;
Party poppers;
My friend Scott asleep, wearing a party hat.

I was told "you are too old for us to punish you, but you should know that we can never trust you on your own in the house again".
Alright!! Too old to punish!!
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 13:25, Reply)

3am.
The party is dying down. All the beds are taken, so I find a comfy-looking pile of dirty laundry. Covering myself with a beach towel I fall asleep.

Ten minutes later, I am rudely awakened by a couple having sex on top of me.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Sat 15 Apr 2006, 1:38, Reply)

T Party
My friend decided to host a "T Party" for her birthday one year, the premise of which being that you had to come dressed in something beginning with the letter T. Of course, there were the usuals, like "Taliban" and "Mr T" etc, but of course, being our friends - there were some a-grade weirdos there too..

The ones that stuck in mind were my sister turning up as the letter T (Having a meter rule sewn into the back of her shirt so she couldn't lower her arms), Stu coming as "Twatted" (He just turned up drunk), Joe coming as "Testicle" (Just a giant sleeping bag costume, spray painted pink, with comedy giant hairs).

But of course, the best was Pete. We opened the door, and he stood there dressed with eye patch, cutlass, long johns, and screaming "YARRR!".

He'd come as "A dyslexic pirate".
(Ant Marching And for my next trick... GWARGGHHGWWGGGH!, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 14:45, Reply)

Another party
Had a house party at uni, in order to ensure numbers we invited everyone. And then they (apparently) invited everyone else. We ended up with approximately 150 people in our house, most of whom we didn't know.

Did they wreck it? Did they have sex in our beds? No. In fact they protected our stuff.

So much so, that when my mate went to get some money from his room he was stopped by a bunch of guys who thought we was stealing.

Did they believe him when he said it was his room? No.

They beat him up for stealing.
(breakfastwithjam, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 10:31, Reply)

Not sure if this counts, but...
Harold Bishop once came to one of my house parties and fucked a packet of chocolate digestives
(yiddo, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 14:30, Reply)

Just A Quickie
Sadly I was away and missed this memorable event, but several of my mates were invited to Simon's first ever house party. His parents had deemed 14 an acceptable age to leave him alone and go away on holiday and he took full advantage of it. So the party was in full swing with half of our school year in attendance. Much alcohol was being sipped and many people were pretending to be drunk. Late on a group of Simon's mates noticed that their host had mysteriously disappeared. They got slightly worried and split up to look for him. Several moments later one of the search party came downstairs and whispered to the others that he must have gotten lucky because he could hear Simon going at it in his bedroom. Being slightly tipsy they decided it would be hilarious to sneak up to the door and then all barge in at the most inopportune moment.

So a few moments later five or six people were crowded outside his bedroom door trying to keep quiet and not giggle as they listened to Simon's grunts and moans. After a silent count of 1,2,3 they all burst through the door just in time to see Simon, totally naked, unloading all over..............his hand. Turns out that Simon had got slightly bored of their company and had inexplicably decided it would be acceptable to go up to his room for a quick wank.

He took a whole week off school due to sheer embarrassment. Can't blame him really, must be an odd feeling to shoot your load whilst looking into the slightly drunken and very surprised faces of all your mates.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Thu 13 Apr 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Poor Sod
Greg's parties were always eventful - someone crying, someone having sex with someone they shouldn't, and copious amounts of drink.

It was new year, I was about 16, and we'd started off on the Stella before gradually moving to the vodka and Bacardi (all provided my Greg's kind parents). My boyfriend of the time wasn't a much of a drinker, but decided to let rip and consume loads, seemingly unaware of how many people he groped, dribbled on and talked utter shit to. It came to countdown time,and we were all so carried away we forgot about the poor sod until 3, 2, 1, Bleeeeeerrrrrrggghhhhhhh!!!! With excellent timing, he threw up right on the bongs of big ben. Someone prodded me and said "Eerrr, I think you'd better see to your boyfriend, he's not well." I look over to see him leaning over a huge, steaming pile of extremely sour-smelling vom. Even in his drunken state, he had thoughtfully managed to aim the sick in an empty pizza box on the floor.

We folded it up, and ran over to the park at the end of Greg's estate in order to chuck it over the fence into the canal. I lobbed it too far, and out of the darkness came a manly shriek of horror, followed by an 'Oh my Goooodddd!!!"

We legged it, wondering if ever there could be a worse start to the year than being attacked by flying vomit.
(Funty, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 22:17, Reply)

Bowel obstruction
Well... as my first B3TA post, it may as well be an embarassing one.

So I went to a party, some people I didnt know there, some people who annoyed me and really not enough to drink. You know how it is, you start on the cider, that goes, so you move on to beer, and by then you're so smashed that it doesn't matter what you drink.

I'd got bored, so decided to to see just what my system could take. Combine this with drunkenness, and you'll start to see where we're headed.

I started off eating an orange- not too rad, really, but it had the entire skin on, so it wasn't that nice. Then I wanted to try some garlic, so I ate three of four cloves of that. My alchohol inpregnated brain told me it was fun, so then I fell over. Possibly, I can't remeber. After that I got up again.

After a bit of fun involing water on sleeping people, we started playing drinking games. Now, since no one could rember any, we decided to play "Fill mugs with vodka and drink them quickyl game". Since I already had a pretty good start on every else, having by this time consumed 3 beers, four ciders, most of a bottle of cheap wine, half a bottle of whisky and some vodka, I started falling over fairly regualry.

I did it very stylishly though, saying "Excuse me for a bit, lads", collpasin with and almighty crash then getting back up a bit later. I also played the piano at this time, and someone humped me.

Then we started playing monopoly. Someone was beating me, or sometihng, so I ate his piece (the car) and washed it down with some coke, followed by vodka. I was then bet "You can't eat the entire set, if you can I'll give you £30". Now that was hard to turn down, I have good faith in my digestive system. And it fit in with my ealier actions, so I though, what the hell.

So there I am, eating monopoly, passing out for around a minute every now and again and drinking vodka. I get all the metal pieces, all of the house and half of the chance card before sometihng feels strange. I have a go at the main board, but that is bloody thick and I can't chew it. After that I dirnk some more drink, and try to find a nice pair of boobies to sleep on. I can't rember if I did, though I imagine I filed because I woke up at around four to find myself on a concrete floor in a room somewhere. I also felt *really* sick. So, I went to find the toilet.

After standing on somepeople as I blundered around, I found the pisser. Then I was sick init. This I repeated about 6 times before morning.

Then I woke up, and while managing to keep both the tea I had and some toast down, I didnt feel too good. I think I was still durnk, to be honest.

So I get home and collaps on the couch. I'm there for 12 hours. I'm sweating like a pig, have a bitch of a headache and I can't move. Literally, I'm paralysed. I stay in this kind of state for around three days, not shitting, eating or moving. My parents decided that I've come down with flu.

Then they discover the metal bus in the toilet. That took some explaining.
(snafle my bijingo please, Sun 16 Apr 2006, 15:15, Reply)

Legendary.
We were in the first year of 6th form. This guy, lets call him Andy, was having a quiet get together at his house for a few mates as his rents were away for the weekend and had said it was allowed. No one really even knew who he was, so there was no danger of it getting out of control.

Well, until his so called "mates" decided to photo copy a few hundred maps to his house (with directions helpfully highlighted underneath)and hand them out to everyone in 6th form, as well as posting them up around school and using word of mouth. Everyone was talking about it as his house was on the massive estate in town so there was easy acess for all. We turned up at about 9 and the party was already in full swing. All the chavs who'd left after their GCSEs had turned up, literally everyone in 6th form was there, it was a lovely reunion and the atmosphere was pretty mellow. Then the drink kicked in, resulting in the following:

-Several chavs falling in his pond, some even continuing a fight in it which was quite impressive.

-Somehow some people managing to break into his garage where Andy had hidden all the breakable and/or expensive things in his house, which resulted in a very extensve collection of expenisve minature brandys, whiskys etc being completely obliterated.

-Most of the chairs etc in his house getting broken up to be used in fights or just for general entertainment.
-Some guy drinking so much that he went unconscious, so we had to call an ambulance, he nearly died, that was also quite exciting.

- A few police cars that had been called by neighbours complaining about the noise turning up with the ambulances- the house was stormed (yeh, actually stormed, it was very exciting) by said police, who then searched everyone for drugs (bad luck chavs) and took away several people, they also then kicked anyone under the influence - that would be everyone then - out of the house. Leaving a hundred or so drunken teenagers standing outside in an estate. where the party just continued until the police got called again. They just kept coming back all night, top marks for endurance. At about 3am they had actually got rid of most people, and the rest of us stayed to help tidy up. We'd just cleared all the bottles out of the garden etc when... his parents turned up. They'd been woken up by a neighbour calling them about the party and had driven home from their weekend away to sort the mess out. I don't think they gave him too hard a time tho, but you could hear the shouting from the other side of the estate.

The best bit? Monday morning, all of yr 12 sitting in the common room for assembly, Andy walks in late - and he gets a standing ovation from the whole year that lasts several minutes. I think even some of the teachers joined in. Best. Party. Ever.

Its my first time, be gentle with me.
(ma moto, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 19:55, Reply)

Sprung by the olds
Back when I was at university I heard a host of Bazza stories. Bazza was a bit of a legend in his time, and in this particular social group - which happened to be a university choir group.

My favorite Bazza story tells about a particular post-concert party which was being held at the home of one of the seemingly young, innocent first year girls. Late in the evening, people have had a few drinks and Bazza finds himself having it off with the nubile, young hostess - under the kitchen table. In walk her parents who have been out for the evening and are extremely shocked to see their daughter, pants around the ankles, mid-shag on the kitchen floor. Rather than recoil in horror and make a mad dash, Bazza simply turns his head, looks up at the parents and says "Don;t mind me, I'll be done in a minute." and returns to the task at hand.. Yay Bazza.

Apologies for the crap retelling of a great story.
(pit, Tue 18 Apr 2006, 22:33, Reply)

How rare..
So the party was fancy dress, in a nice big hall, it was a friends birthday party, but with all her relations friends of family ect.-her parents had let her do the teeny house party the year before,and it was never going to happen again- it was also halloween.

Now I had been working all day so a couple of mates had gone to the fancy dress shop to get the costumes, what did they get me, a fucking pink fairy, replete with wings, cunts.

Anyway I've always been game for a laugh, so we show at the party, an evil monk, some weird thing that looked like the creature that radios the storm troopers at Los Isly when they're about to get on the milennium falcon for the first time and a fairy.

The party went quite well for a bunch of drunken teenagers with a load of older relatives and such.

Highlights were me getting my cock out to the host's mum, and groping her tits infront of her gran, but at the end of the day fun was had by all.

So, a couple of mates and I are walking back to my house in or costumes at about 3 in the morning on halloween, and are very drunk indeed.

We walked past the local convent when I had my great idea. Lets break into the convent and find the dormitorys, you know what they say about catholic girls, it'll be an orgy.

So we climbed over the gates, checked all the doors and windows, and found one unlocked, hurrah. We were then confonted by a hound from hell, barking, snarling and generally looking like it was going to rip our throats out. Two of turned to run while one of uor number-not me-calmly walked up to it, and started to stroke it's head, it promptly rolled over to have it's belly tickled. Bonza let's find the girls says I.

So i'm wondering round these classrooms looking for the dorms, I walk into a dark room and a voice shouts freeze, so of course I run. I running down these corridoors, look behind me and there's a very short, very bold naked man chasing me. I got away and hid under some stairs.

A few minutes later, my mates walk by with said naked man chatting away. I come out of hiding, and all comes clear. He was the caretaker, when he saw us in fancy dress, he realised a halloween prank was afoot, and no police were called, he just wanted to know how we got in, and how we got passed the dog. I was finding all of this very funny, as he was still starkers, and us in costume.

When I left work that day, if anyone had said "Your night will end dressed as a fairy, being chased around a convent by a short, bald naked man" I wouldn't have belived tem one bit.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 16 Apr 2006, 23:46, Reply)

Roman shower
I was about 18 or 19, and I went to a party at this girl's house. Her mum and dad were there, but they were quite cool about people getting pissed and stoned in their house.

I overdid it on the weed and vodka (again), and then realised I was going to be sick so I headed for the bathroom. Whoever was in there was taking forever, but I knew that the lock on the door wasn't very good so rather than puke on the carpet I forced the bathroom door open and went in.

The hostess's gorgeous younger sister, whose eye I'd shyly been trying to catch all night was sitting on the toilet doing a noisy poo, and my mouth was full of vomit so my cheeks were puffed out like a hamster because I was still trying not to get it on the carpet. I couldn't give any explanation because I couldn't open my mouth to speak, but I felt another surge coming so I stumbled forward and tried to puke between her thighs, but she shoved me away and it kind of arced in the air showering both of us. I asked my mate to call me a cab.

Never did get invited back.
(trashbat, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 18:33, Reply)

nooo
Teenage Parties eh... one time springs to mind, it probably would've fitted well in the Shame QOTW...

Around the tender age of 16, my mates parents had gone away. We'd been told not to have a house party. So of course, that night, the house was rammed with fuck-knows-who.

Friend and I decide it would be entertaining to see if we could drink 10 pints each. We got the supplies (pint cans of Carling) and embarked on our mission.

After a few hours, we were both leathered. We only just finished the last one, before both chucking up probably the last four down the shithouse, and retiring for some much needed slumber. I crash in his sisters room. Dont worry, she wasn't there... good job, she's a big lad.

Woke up in the morning feeling like death. Peels back the duvet, to reveal the biggest cum stain in the fucking world. Id had a pissed up fwap in my best mates sisters bed. SHIT!

i decided if i ignored it, it would go away. so i went home without saying a word.

Later that day, i told a different mate about my ordeal. He seemed to find it hilarious, and was too busy laughing to offer any advice. Should i come clean? (excuse the pun).

That evening, we returned to the house of fun. My friends decide a bit of interweb trawling was in order. Shame his PC was in his sisters room...

The friend to whom I had confessed earlier that day just couldnt contain it any longer. Did he take my mate aside for a quiet word? Nah. Did he tell him through the medium of dance? Nope. He waited until we were all his sisters bedroom, and ripped off the duvet, to reveal a jizz-stain the size of a small third world country.

I dont know who was the most mortified; me, my mate, or his sister for missing out...

Apologies for length, girth, and surface area
(Carling, pint of, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 14:56, Reply)

That's not catfood...
My 16th birthday, parents allow me to have a bash at our house. They say - 'We'll go out for dinner, and get back around 12.30/1ish. As long as everyone's outside (tents in the garden) by the time we come back, that's all fine'. No probs, thinks I, we're on for a winner here. Switch to 11 o clock, and I'm having a sweet old time. Although I'm trying to keep an eye on the manor, I've made the crucial mistake of getting turbo-pissed, so destruction reigns left right and centre. At one point, I wobble through to the kitchen to find my mate James, standing like a lone gunman after his first kill, a bright-lipped, watery smile pasted across his pale face. He's windmilled red, angry sick around the entire kitchen. Floors, walls, sink half filled, up doors, over the microwave and over the cat's bowl. 'Err..I'm sorry mate, I've just kicked over the cat food. Sorry, I was just about to clean it up'. Bless him. He did as well. Fast forward to later on in the night, it's been a classic party, this night will turn out to be probably one of my happiest teenage memories. All survivors are now perched half in/half out of tents, all pitched in a tiny circle. Everyone's got perfectly drunk and now stoned and bantering away. My mate Spud (was and is a top chap, slightly the proud side of portly) lets rip with an almighty fart, the volume and length of which sets everyone into hysterical laughter for perhaps 20, 30 seconds. The laughs die down, only to begin again when we all realise that he's still going. He starts laughing as well, which is where the real genius sets in. His farts sync-in with his laughter, and he's suddenly chugging away like the rear gunner of a lancaster bomber for over a minute. Superb.
( Coy Rastle, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:05, Reply)

I went to a party once.
It was ace. Nobody knew I was there, but I got a picture of Mykeyboy in the nip, and I also got one of Benny Tied To A Tree doing a toilet.
( Druid, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 21:24, Reply)

At a friend's party at school
Someone climbed into the attic and dun a wee-wee in the water tank.

The poor family were washing in wee for weeks.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Wed 19 Apr 2006, 11:36, Reply)

I went to high school in the States
I know, I know, get over it.

Anyroad, the legal drinking age there is 21, and I believe that as a result it makes teenagers even more stupid when they get an underage drink. The school I went to was the equivalent of a large comprehensive (2000 students), but a very good one...and some of the kids were ridiculously rich with morons for parents.

One May, two mothers decided to hold a party for a bunch of girls - some in year 12 (the last year for everyone) and some in 11. The mothers bought kegs upon kegs of cheap beer and hosted the parties in one of their houses. After getting plastered, the girls went to the local forest preserve to have a wee game of American football.

Except, instead of playing football, they beat the living shit out of each other.

The year 12 girls made the year 11s kneel in the mud and tossed fish guts, swine innards, and even human feces all over them. One girl had a bin put over her while a huge meathead of a boy hit her/the bin with a baseball bat. Her skull got cracked open. Another had her earrings torn out through the cartilage. There were at least 100 students watching, yet none of them ran for the police or rang for an ambulance. But they did videotape the fighting and sell it to TV news.

Now you see, it was a very slow week in the news. This was EVERYWHERE in America. The hidden violent side of girls! The not-so-hidden stupid side of rich housewives who buy beer for 16-year-olds so that their kids can be popular! Students were all over the airwaves whining, "What's the big deal? She just got her head split open, it's not like anybody died!" But it didn't stop there...it also appeared on Moscow Radio and on Al-Jazeera (see, this is what happens when you give Western women equality).

...If they had been black boys in the inner-city who beat a girl until she was permanently half-deaf, they would have been chucked in jail. But because they were rich white girls with sleazy lawyers, they got a year of probation and a few hours "community service."

Stupid mothers. Don't throw parties for your rich teenage girls. Two good things came of it - one, graduation ceremonies went really quick as 35 people were expelled. Two, we figured out who had collected the bucket of human shit, because her community service was emptying out the bedpans of old folks.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 14 Apr 2006, 21:17, Reply)

My 16th Birthday
My 16th birthday remains the greatest night out I've ever had in my entire life. I've told this story to several people, a few of whom straight out don't believe me, but I swear on my life that every word you are about to read is 100% true.

I was on holiday in Corfu at the time with my parents, and my best mate AJ and his family. It started out nice enough, meal with the parents, had a couple of pint with my shish kebab, after that went to meet AJ at his hotel. Found him in the bar, had a couple there and there. After that we decided to go to the hotel supermarket to buy some stuffto drink by the pool whilst we waited for the group of friends we'd made to arrive. They had an offer on at the supermarket, 10 alcopops for about £5. So we bought 10 different ones. As we left the supermarket, AJ hit on the marvellous idea of going up to his room, emptying a big bottle of water, and pouring all the alcopops into and then drinking the concoction. Being young and full of bravado, I agree that this is a much better idea than sitting by the pool. So up we went. Emptied the biggest bottle there, and poured all the alcopops in. It went a sort of odd muddy brown colour. It looked like the contents of a colostomy bag, and tasted slightly worse, but we necked it between us in no time. By this time we thought that our friends would probably be at the bar waiting for us so we returned.

Upon our arrival, two lads from Huddersfield, one called Lloyd and the other called Jim decided to buy me a drink each. Bottles of amstel. At this point I was feeling decidedly tipsy, but was just getting warmed up. After another amstel which I bought myself we headed out into town, and to the bar we had been frequenting, "seduces", purely because the doorman looked like Frank LeBoeuf.

So we grabbed a table, and I announce that its time for drinking games. Myself, AJ and a couple of other lads in the group played "4 shot gargle". The idea being you get 4 straight shots of vodka, put em in your mouth, and gargle. After a while your throat starts to hurt like fuck. Whoever swallows last, wins. We played 3 rounds of this. After that, I was pretty fuckin drunk, but still well capable of consuming more alcohol.

I went across the street to a bar called "Pinnochio's" to meet another member of our party who hadn't been able to join us from the start. He bought me 2 sex on the beach cocktails whilst I was there, which I promptedly downed and returned to Seduce's.

Now, it's at this point in time where my memory starts to get a little hazy. From here on in this story is pieced together from my own memories, and the stories people told me the day after.

Upon my return to Seduce's, I bought a couple of bottles of cider (2 I think) and drank them whilst I wandered up to the back of the bar where they had a guitar, and me and one of the lads there started playing and singing songs (we'd been doing that all week, thats why I liked going to seduce's, the barman always gave us free drinks for playing songs). So we started playing some stuff. After a while a woman at the bar goes "my son plays guitar, he's much better than you. Do you know 'Norweigan Wood'?", which prompted my reply: "FUCK OFF YOU SAD OLD TROUT". It transpired later that that was the mother of one of our party.

After a while, and once I'd explained it was my 16th birthday, the barman decided it was free drinks time, but for everyone in our group! He made up some shots of something and put them on the bar. About 20 of them (there was a lot of us). These things were bright green, and I have no idea to this day what they were. Me and AJ necked ours, then shouted everyone over for their free drinks. Most people decided they didn't trust this potent looking green stuff, and said we could have them, so we split them down the middle. which woked out about 7 shots each. Which we downed.

By this time I was fucking wrecked, and decided I needed to sober up. I went over to AJ and told him to punch me really hard in the face. He obliged. I asked him again. And again. By this time my nose was streaming blood, and everyone was looking at me with a slightly concerned expression on their faces. I don't remember what happened next, but I remember Frank LeBouef cleaning me up in the toilets.

Once the bleeding stopped I went back to the bar, to be greeted by Lloyd holding a PINT of whisky which he had bought for me. I declined ity, saying that I've had way too much. That's when people started calling me a pussy. Again, my 16 year old bravado got the better of me. I started to drink it, got about halfway down, and lost the feeling in my mouth and throat, pouring the rest of it down my T-Shirt. "That was shit. Let me get you another" said Lloyd. This time, my arms were held and my nose was pinched as they poured the whole fucking pint down my neck. I then ran over to the wall, and threw up violently. After this I decided I needed to go home, so I wandered out of the bar and into a the road. And got hit by a fucking bus. I remember looking to my left, and seeing a pair of headlights, then looking up at a crowd of my friends. It seems the wing mirror and smashed into my shoulder at quite a high speed, spun me round and left me unconcious on the floor, upon which AJ had run into the road and dragged me onto the pavement. I woke and pissed myself laughing, and I still don't know why. Then I lost conciousness again. I was left to sleep on the pavement outside for a little while. Dunno how long it was but once I woke up, I'd actually started to feel a little sober, so I walked home, but not before falling in a ditch on the way back, and lying in some thorn bushes unable to move. An older couple were at the top of the road where they had seen me stagger, and fall about 30 feet into this ditch. The bloke shouted "do you need a hand mate?" to which I shouted "FUCK OFF!". I tried to climb up the embankment, but it was too steep to climb pissed. I slipped and smashed my face into the dirt, and slid back down to the bottom There was a pause, and in a muffled, wounded voice I whimpered "help!". The guy came to my rescue and managed to pull me out and push me up the embankment. That man was a fucking saint.

I continued on uneventfully, till I got back to the apartment, which was on the second floor. Before I ventured up the steps I decided I couldn't let my mother see me like this, so I tried to neaten myself up a bit (a vain effort, as I was covered in blood, vomit and gravel), and practising walking in a straight line, all the while saying "I'm not drunk, I'm not drunk, I haven't even been drinking". After about 15 minutes or so, I thought myself ready to tackle the stairs. I managed to go up two, before tripping and smashing my forehead into a higher step. "FUCK!" I shouted. I then crawled up the stairs one by one, till I got to the top, all the way saying "I'm not drunk, I haven't even been drinking", only to be greeted by a pair of slippers which I recognised as my mum's, and she was in them. I looked up at her, and she said "are you drunk?". "Yesh" came the reply, as I passed out on the stairs.



It was the greatest night of my life.
( PMGT -Bacon., Fri 14 Apr 2006, 14:57, Reply)

Oh God, no
I went to my mate Steve's 17th party with the intention of getting to know the lovely Julia rather better, as there were hints that I might, in fact, get to see the contents of her incredibly tight, white t-shirt.

Problem: as nervous as hell. So, just a swig on this vodka to steady my nerves, mate.

And just a swig on this scrumpy to steady my nerves.

And jussssht a shwig on thish vodka to shteady me nervess, matey-mate-mate. And so on. For two hours.

When I had finally plucked up enough courage to speak to the object of my lust, the conversation went something like this:

"Awight Jules YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARCHHHHH!"

Right down her front. I was hounded out of the party, still leaking booze, while the gallant Steve took a sobbing Julia upstairs, cleaned her up, and joined her in the shower. The bastard.

I eventually made it home, and puked all over my parents' incredibly posh dinner party which they had laid on for neighbours and work colleagues.

"Oh, Scary - you're home early!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARCHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Two for the price of one. Woe.

The full 12-inch version here
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Rubbish Party and Rubbish Question
So I was in Australia for a party, and it was chuffing awful. Then blow me down income Harold Bishop (fat guy from Neighbours).
Being slightly intoxicated I shouted out "Harold why are you so fat?"
Bastard retorted "Cos every time I fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit. Now get out of my house party for my teenage daughter."
"No worries it's shit anyway" I showed him :)

Anyway went to get an ice cream, from the Mr. Whippy. But his fucking bells were chiming and he said "don't know why you're scared, I've got to drive back on my own." Then he threw a bag of cocks at me.

I also find it accidently erotic when i reply late to questions
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Mis-spent youth
I have several teenage party stories

One half term, my parents went away for a week, leaving me in the house alone with only three rules:- No Steve, no Kay and no parties.

Several weeks later i was left waiting for my lift home from school for several hours in the rain, until I realised that Mum wasn't coming and I would have to walk home.

The reason? I had forgotten to remove the cassete from the family camcorder we had been playing with, which quite clearly captured me with Steve under one arm and Kay under the other while shouting "We're having a paaarrtyyyy!".




Another time I was quite convinced that there was no trace of the weekend's illicit party, so played innocent when questioned by a thunder faced parent the next week. It appears however that somebody had stuck a microwave lasagne onto the kitchen ceiling. (At the same party, someone urinated in the fridge and I caught somebody else emptying the freezer into a bag, to which the reply when confronted was "It's ok, (my name) said I could." )
(last caress, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Such disturbing memories
A lad I knew in college called keiron decided at a friends party to inbibe enough alcohol so that the term "beer goggles" became an understatement.

The host of the party had an apparently attractive alsatian who he decided to french kiss after the aforementioned mutt had been licking its testicular regions.

We all thought "ok, thats a bit much" and put the dog outside.

Cue keiron chasing the poor animal around the garden for a good twenty minutes before falling over his own flailing feet.

However, even with his obviously incredibly low standards, he managed to pull another "stunner" that evening. Facially she was ok(ish) but her physique was rather nasty.

Somehow she hadn't seen all of the "dogging" incidents, and proceeded to get off with him.

The most disturbing thing we heard coming from the spare room later on was "faster, faster, oooh oooh!!"

We were trying to work out if the alsatian had got back in for a good 30 seconds before he reached the vinegar strokes and paraded himself downstairs with a rapidly wilting turgid dick proclaiming "I just got wanked off"

The dog by this point was at the window. We all reckon he looked cheated.
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Thu 13 Apr 2006, 11:23, Reply)